It is a few days before I get to claim eight full years of recovery. This last year has been proof that I can get through things I did not know I could get through .. and no .. I did not drink. Instead I was present and available for those around me. And in large part because of that ... well I have been wandering this labyrinth of life .. not putting focus on me and my recovery ... dangerous very very dangerous.
This picture is from Mirmar. A retreat center. I "allowed" myself to be convinced I should go to the most recent retreat. I have not gone for YEARS ... because that is what resentment does, keeps you out of homes you love.
I went, still harboring some resentment. Still am a bit. However, I got a piece of what I needed. So many things have in fact happened the past year. So much .. and to be honest at this moment in time my heart is still to heavy, to sad and angry to share at length. Many losses ... death of friends and family. Dreams dashed. Relationships changed or lost. Lots.
With each even or situation I did what I have been taught. I went to meetings. At the meetings I was told to suit up, show up, shut up. I did that. This stuff was not about me. And it was the right thing to do.
What I did not do? Talk about me, how I was feeling or dealing. Everything is ok .. doing good .. nod head .. yup yup .. all good Thanks for offering .. no no .. all set.... No problems.
After all .. I am a counselor so I know how to process all this stuff right? Plus I have to be strong and available for others right?
Very dangerous place to be, believing in your own press.
I needed this weekend to remind me of that. I still have a long way to go before I hear the "POP" of my head coming out of my ass again ... but I think I have at the very least .. found a more productive path through the labyrinth!
