2013 and ............

I came back to my blog to get the address and was surprised and a little disappointed  in myself that it had been a full year since I have posted.  Life has changed.

It is a few days before I get to claim eight full years of recovery.  This last year has been proof that I can get through things I did not know I could get through .. and no .. I did not drink.  Instead I was present and available for those around me.  And in large part because of that ... well I have been wandering this labyrinth of life .. not putting focus on me and my recovery  ... dangerous very very dangerous.

This picture is from Mirmar.  A retreat center.  I "allowed" myself to be convinced I should go to the most recent retreat.  I have not gone for YEARS ... because that is what resentment does, keeps you out of homes you love.

I went, still harboring some resentment.  Still am a bit.  However, I got a piece of what I needed.  So many things have in fact happened the past year.  So much .. and to be honest at this moment in time my heart is still to heavy, to sad and angry to share at length.  Many losses ... death of friends and family. Dreams dashed.  Relationships changed or lost.  Lots.

With each even or situation I did what I have been taught.  I went to meetings.  At the meetings I was told to suit up, show up, shut up.  I did that.  This stuff was not about me.  And it was the right thing to do.

What I did not do?  Talk about me, how I was feeling or dealing.  Everything is ok .. doing good .. nod head .. yup yup .. all good Thanks for offering .. no no .. all set....  No problems.

After all .. I am a counselor so I know how to process all this stuff right?  Plus I have to be strong and available for others right?

Very dangerous place to be, believing in your own press.

I needed this weekend to remind me of that.  I still have a long way to go before I hear the "POP" of my head coming out of my ass again ... but I think I have at the very least .. found a more productive path through the labyrinth!

Snow sober

So far this year this has been the landscape. Along with some bitter cold. People, including myself, are tired and cranky from all the shoveling, bundling up to stay warm, the slush, ice, bad driving and other safety issues. The list goes on and on.
The first year of sobriety I would have been crawling out of my skin by now. This type of weather was drinking weather!! Sit at the bar and moan and groan and groan and moan. Oh MY back! Lets have another shot of the blue ones to make the hurts go away. Not that I really needed a reason for drinking but snow storms gave me a good one in my mind.
Due to a couple of people near and dear to my heart joining the fellowship of AA I have had a greater opportunity to take a look at both my drinking and early sobriety. I drank for everything and anything. It was how I could avoid dealing with life. Early in sobriety that first year in particular but even today, when certain emotions or situations arise my first instinct can still be to drink. Make the hurts go away.
The first year I started picking up the tools to combat that reaction at most and defer it at the least. I still have days or rather moments when the knee jerk response is DRINK. Today I can think that through and usually within seconds the thought is gone, I just have for to much to lose. But it still happens.
I keep going to meetings. I talk to people. I dream of the future that awaits this sober person. I try not to look at the landscape as being cold and barren, instead I look and see the vividness of the colors and diamond like wink of the sun dancing in the snow. I look for the beauty and the grace of each day. It is there, it just needs to be sought in order to be found.

TODAY

Struggling a little to come up with a title tonight. Went to a meeting tonight and learned that one of their mainstays had passed away last Saturday. This man to them was like Steady Eddie to me. It comes as no surprise that Allan was also very much like Eddie. Always had his hand out to the new comer and always was working his program. Even when he (like Eddie) was on his way out the door he was still trying to reach his for the new person and show them how wonderful life is sober.
I am pondering a bit, are these people ~ THESE ~ people all along and they just get so very lost in the drinking they stop? Were they this kind hearted from the get go? Or is it learned in the halls? The gift of sobriety is so great and it literally just burst from me at times. I want to share from the rooftops this wonderful life I have. I would do anything to help a person "get" this. Has that always been in me and now I know how to do it? Or is it just this program?

Well, when it comes down to it ~ don't really matter. It is what it is TODAY. Today is the day I AM living. Today is the day that matters. Simple.

R.I.P Allen. You will be missed.

Just For Today

My day today ~

Woke up about 5 am. (as opposed to came too) Looked out the window and saw a brilliant sunrise. Thanked God for waking me up to see that, went back to sleep.

Hour later up and atom, walked down (as opposed to stumble) and made coffee. Ate a pastry. I could do that because I was did not feel like puking.

Off to work, a job that I have because I am sober and can handle it (most days anyways..lol), because I am sober. Did actual work instead of spending the day trying to remember the night before.

1:00 ~ went to the bank were I deposited MY money, into a account that has money, that so far (knock on wood) I have not ever taken out what was not there. That will have enough in it tomorrow for me to pay some bills.

2:00 ~ Picked up my great niece to spend the afternoon with. Same niece who's mother I "never hurt" with my drinking. How did it make her feel when she would find reasons to not have herself, or her daughter around me when I was drinking? Today she trust me with her children.

~ 7:00 Had a BLAST with the girl!!! Just plain fun that you can have when you are sober and not wrapped up in planning how fast you can lose the kid so you can get a drink!! Near the end of the day I offered to bring her home before I took my shower so she did not have so much driving to do ... she wanted nothing to do with that. " I want to stay with you!"

7:30 ~ 8:30 Meeting. Commitment with my group. When I spoke I pretty much said what I am writing here tonight. My day, my SOBER day, and all the gifts I received in my day TODAY: JUST FOR TODAY ... because I am sober.

How awesome.

Sober for Today

I hear it all the time, how people get sober, get a "life", and then do not need AA anymore, or how they were still going to meetings but had a medical issue that required pain pills, or they were going to meeting here and there and that was it. So many different variations of what they did or did not do with the end result the same. They picked up. So I hear it, and I do keep it in mind, but I have to admit it hit home the hardest when it was someone I know. Someone who heard the same stories and I did. Someone who I respect and consider a pretty smart person. Someone who picked up, and by the grace of God, came back. Prayers that they stay, and prayers that they keep in mind the stories of those that struggle and don't make it back at all.

It would be pretty easy to get all worked up and analytical as to why it happened. What was done right, what was done wrong. I honestly don't think the what is the important part though, it is the why. The WHY is the disease. I know for a fact that my WHY still resides in me, waiting waiting waiting for me to give it a WHAT. I can go to step meetings galore, counseling forever, and know as much as there is to know about me and my disease, yet it will never ever go away.

When I crossed that line, or activated the monster with my very first drink, I lost. No, I did not know I lost or how much I would lose, but I lost just the same. Today, just today, I know with out a doubt the road I would travel should I pick up. Before I hit that road I should just put everything out on the front lawn from my socks to my soul. FREE ~ Take it all I won't be needing it were I am going.

The WHY is still in me, I know many of the reasons that I drank, there are still many I don't too. Knowing WHY does not change the past, or even protect me against a future drink. It just is. Knowing WHY allows me to try and change in order to diminish the power of WHY. Today I am a stronger and better balanced person, sorta. Yet it would be so very easy to slip away from who I am today, and forget the WHY, so easy to fall into the false sense of security that I have conquered the WHY. Victory is mine, lets have a drink to celebrate!! Too easy as as I see through my friends actions.

As easy is the first drink.

So I am sober today, and grateful. I know WHY I am sober today as well. Because I have a God in my life who helps me on a daily basis, because I have people that that God has put in my life to talk to, learn from, and pray with, because I go to meetings and listen to the best of my ability and learn to the best of my ability, because I am willing to do the next right thing for myself and for others, because I do my best to stay honest about what is going on in myself.

Why? Because it works, for me, for today.......