Getting it & Giving it away!!

There is a part in either the 12 & 12 or big book about the newly sober person working the program of AA and wanting to share it with everyone they know! From the first time I read that and right up until today I identify with that. I want to share what I have with EVERYONE I know ... AA or not.

Doing the AWOL tonight I really just wanted to wrap a few of the newer people up in "what I know today". As we start the writing for the fourth step and they are scared and not seeing past all the bad stuff in their life, I want to show them how good they are!! How absolutely wonderful they have always been deep down inside. I want to show them how much better they are going to continue to get as they continue their journey in recovery.

The things I "get" now that I did not get the start of my last awol ~ sigh ~ and as much as I want to "give" I know they have to "get" in their own time. But I can help if no other way that by being there and saying "hey, I walked through my fear and I am so happy with the results here I am doing it again!!"

There is just so much good in my life as the result of AA it is hard sometimes to not get carried away with "giving". I try all the time to remind myself that the absolute best way to "share" is to live according the the principles laid out in the program. To the best of my ability!! Progress, not perfection!!

I think the biggest thing I would just hand over as the best gift I could possibly give anyone, AA or Earthling, is the faith, belief and trust I have today in my Higher Power. It just feels so good. Better than good, GREAT! Having that Power Greater than me, turning my will and my life over to Her on a daily basis, never ever being alone again. Knowing that He loves me just the way I am. Amazing. Seeing those little day to day miracles and naming them as such. God doing His God thing. Blessed. Sooooo many gifts. I can't count them all and it would take me two lifetimes to give away all that I have been given in such a short time.

Can I get a Amen????

Joy Of Living

Step 12, 12 and 12. Not sure if that is the very first line in that step, but it is right there. And tonight, as it has been for the past couple of weeks, right in my face. The Joy Of Living. I did not get sober to be miserable. I might have thought thats how it was going to be, but it is in fact the furthest thing from my life. Even when it is bad, it is still good.

For the past couple of weeks it seems everytime I turn around the theme has been some how or another the joy of living. Either a speaker talks on it, I read it in a book, the topic at a discussion meeting ... Follwed by the secret to living joyfully. Live in God. If you live in a power greater than yourself, for me God, then there is nothing that I can't handle. It is just that simple. It is keeping that thought in the top spot though ..... grabbing back my own will, not trusting God. Those are the things that dampen the joy of living.

So God has been pretty in my face about the joy of living, so today was yet another joyful day!

Step 9

This is the step I have struggled with the most. MY thinking is let sleeping dogs ...........

I understand the need for it. I want the relief that will come with doing this step. But I have struggled a lot with it. How to do it, when to do it, what do I say when I do it. I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think of all the people I SHOULD make amends too!!! I think of the things I have done .... Fear and shame fill me.

I have had some little tiny baby step progress though. I have been talking with both AA people and my "house" family. I have been sincere in my heart about wanting to do this step, it has been the HOW. Honesty, Open mind, and Willing. That's what I had to start with. Again, baby steps, made a few.

Now, God doing His God thing again :

Step nine has not been to far from my mind. When ever I would drive by a former job place, I would think about how I should make amends. I just KNEW the guy I worked for would laugh his head off if I ever walked in and said " Hi, I am in AA now and want to tell you how sorry I am for drinking all your beer". No way would he get it.

Tonight, before going on a commitment with my new group that I joined last Friday, I was working on my amends to the rest of my family. Again, baby steps.

Get to the meeting and for what ever reason tonight I was really really nervous about talking. Heart pounding, shaking .. I had to keep my hands behind my back because the podium was shaking too!! Once I got going I was ok. Included in my story the part about drinking off the keg at work.

Here comes the God part ...

After the meeting, doing a little chit chatting .... and who jumps in front of me " HI KRIS". If you guessed my former employer you win!! Talk about a "oh shit" moment. Well, damn. No coincidences in AA. So I told him about my struggle as to making amends to him. And I apologized for all the beer I drank. And he gave me a hug and said it was ok, he was doing the same thing. And just like that, that one is off my list.

But it was a set up. I join a group Friday, work on my amends today, go with the new group ...'come on!!

Thank You God. Thank You.

Awakening of Spirit

The last couple of meetings for the AWOL we discussed having a “spiritual awakening”. It does say in Step 12 “Having had a spiritual awaking …” Most of the woman had some sort of significant experience. Like Bill W. they had a “hot flash”. A major how else to you explain this other than spiritual!!! Direct contact with the God of their understanding. It was pretty amazing, and humbling.

When it was my turn to speak, I did not have a knock your socks off spiritual awakening to share. No trumpets, bright lights, or ethereal hugs. What I have, what I am able to share is just as big though. At least for me.

I have awareness and acceptance. Things I did not have before joining AA, at least not to the extent I do now. Awareness of all the little God things in my life, as I have shared here in this blog a number of times. God doing his God thing. I love it when I catch onto one of those moments. It truly lifts me up. Awareness of how rich and wonderful my life is, even on the bad days, for the wonderful people God has put into my life. The awareness that the things I learn from these people are also gifts from God. The fact that I am learning, gift from God. And much much more.

Acceptance too has many different facets that create my spiritual awakening. Right off the bat, the fact that I believe the stories people share of their own “hot flash”. I don’t doubt it. Acceptance of the things I have become aware of, and that they are gifts from God. Hand in hand for me, acceptance and awareness. My own gifts from God on a daily basis.

One of the things said at the AWOL that has also altered how I viewed this entire spiritual awakening, something that absolutely FLUNG OPEN the door to a new way of thinking. Reverse it … instead of having a spiritual awakening, which does bring to mind the trumpets and bright lights … same words, different order … I have had an Awakening of Spirit. Wow.

When that was said, I have to admit it rocked my world. It really showed me what was at the very core of MY recovery. For as long as I can remember, I “just wanted to be happy”. I just had no clue as to how to go about it. I thought the fun I was having at the bar was as good as it was ever going to get. Now I take those words, and apply them to my life today, and you better believe I have had an awakening of spirit!! Back to the awareness, and acceptance being the core of it. AA is about change, and I have changed. Each change brings about additional “awakening”. Growth.

This is a subject that I really could go on and on and on and on and on…… It truly is wonderful to know that I have had a spiritual awakening, in the form of an awakening spirit. And I still have not rubbed the sleep out of my eyes ……..

Step 11

I am still loving my AWOL.

It continues to amaze me how going through a step, that I have read over and over and over and over the past three years, all of the sudden becomes clear with these women. "Things that used to baffle us ...." Thank You God.

For the most part, with all of the steps, my good friend gratitude plays the biggest part. As long as my heart is grateful, that is the first action for me completing the step. Well, not completing, if I am doing it right I will be doing it for a long time to come.

Tonight, step 11, I learned two things. One being the importance for ME to take a few minutes each day and .... breath... relax....enjoy...be grateful. At LEAST a few minutes. And the other thing, is that those few minutes count. I don't have to pray and meditate for hours at a time for it to work. The point again, comes down to ~ am I at least trying? ~ is it to the best of my ability..THAT DAY? Because again, all I have is TODAY. This day is the one I have to do my best. Not yesterday, done deal. Not tomorrow, not here yet. Just today. Simple.

Again, amazing how when explained just right, it makes sense, makes it doable. Even makes it something I have been doing. Cool

The Promises

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

(Alcoholics Anonymous, the Big Book)

Last night my AWOL group went over steps 8 & 9. Complete with reading from the Big Book, and reading the promises. I actually got a glimmer of WHY the promises are not until this step. A few weeks ago someone from the podium mentioned that the promises do not happen until after step 9. Being me, I got a resentment. That person was wrong, the promises are coming true in my life right now. Big Book thumper ...

The fact of the matter is, they ARE and HAVE been coming true in my life since the first day I really put myself in AA. But last night, after going over 8 & 9, reading from the Big Book, and talking about the steps, I understood more about the how's and whys of those promises and there fulfilment in my life. And why it is not until the completion of step 9 that they really come true.

One line that sticks out, was my light bulb turning on, is "Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us". I could never really figure that line out before. How could the fear of not having enough money leave me? I am always going to worry about money. And there were always be people that scare me a little..... there will always be something!!! After reading, and talking last night, I get it. Or at least I get it for me. If I am painstaking in the working of these steps, 8 & 9 in particular, I will have really cleared my side of the street. I will have made my amends to the people that I have "wronged", I will be doing the best I can to make restitution for owed money. I won't have to fear the phone, the mail, or running into people from my past.

Then, as I continue on my journey in sobriety, and continue to work the steps, I should not be putting myself in situations that piss people off. Thinking about that today, the past three years, I have not really done stuff to piss people off. Can't count my ex, he was pissed to begin with!!

The past three years has been about showing up to a step meeting, getting what I could out of it, trying to apply as much as I could in my life. Because it is a program of progress and not perfection, I have made progress. Doing this AWOL, I have made bigger progress. And when the AWOL is done, I will go back to my step meeting with a much better understanding of what I need to be doing on a daily basis to continue making progress. Pretty nice.

AWOL

Have I mentioned how much I am enjoying my AWOL? I really do enjoy it, for several reasons. The most important, it is helping me to stay sober. A pretty good reason to keep doing it I think.

I have to be honest about this. The snippets of contriversy over if a AWOL counts, bugs me!!

I had been going to a step meeting for 2 1/2 years faithfully. A 12 & 12, but really just a 12, we never did the traditions. So I heard that "my" step meeting did not really count. But it was helping me stay sober. So I kept going. And each week I got something out of the meeting. Each week I grew a little bit more as a person. A sober person. So because it was not an AA sanctioned meeting, does that make me any less sober?

The same thing goes for the AWOL. My understanding of those against it, the reason is we are not "really" "working" the steps. Well I just don't get that at all. I know for a fact that I AM working the steps to the best of my ability and knowledge at this stage of my sobriety. I am gaining insight into myself and my relationship with God. And ... I am staying sober. Am I less sober if I don't do the steps "just so"??

And people wonder why earth people think AA is a cult!! lol

Thank God the people who are a part of my daily AA don't hold these views. I am not sure I would have stayed with AA if my only option was to get sober just one way. I have instead been given the gift of a amazing fellowship in the form of the meetings I go to and all their various flavors. Because of, and in spite of, the old school/new school/tough love/soft love etc differences I am able to go to meetings that suit me best. And as I grow as a sober person, so do my needs and expectations of and for myself. And because I have such a great fellowship to teach me, learn from ..more growth.

Everybody learns differently. I am very grateful that the halls of AA were able to spawn some options that may not have made the approved list, but were able to get through to me. I am not talking about a easier softer way, those cards are not ones I try to play. I am talking about using different words or methods that make more sense to me. Down the line would I like to do a Big Book Step Study? Yes, and I am sure I will. When I am ready. When I am able to sort out the words without being overwhelmed. When God says I am ready for that step in my life. Right now, going the the 12 step meeting, and now the AWOL, I am getting a good foundation in AA. I am learning the ABC's of the Big Book. And I feel good. I feel good. Wow. Very cool :)

Oh yah, I think I read somewere too that the ONLY requirment for AA is a desire to stop drinking.............