Like Learning To Drive A Car

Ok, so it may be kind of random however I believe the analogy fits. Getting sober is like learning to drive. Think about it. You go to an AA meeting and see all these sober people. Happy and satisfied with their sober lives. You want that and you know you can do it. How many times before you actually got behind the wheel did you know you could drive the car?? Want to drive the car??

Then came the first driving lesson. Turns out there is a bit more to driving the car than just moving the wheel around. You have to be aware of what is around you, speed limits, other cars, children, weather. Many many factors in order to drive the car safely. Adjusting the seat, the mirrors, ok even the radio!! How much gas to give the car, how hard to press on the brake? Were are the damn windshield wipers???? Wow, it is not as easy as it looks.

Hands sweat, stomach clenches, walking is not so bad right? You are encouraged by friends and family to do it anyways. Parents are praying that you understand the importance of being a safe driver and that they never get "that call".

You listen to the instructions of the person brave enough to take you out driving. You make some mistakes, forget to look in the mirror before starting the car, hands are not at 10 and 2..... That's ok, you are learning. You hit the open road, the stakes are pretty high. If you make a mistake now the potential is death for you, your passenger and other people in your path. Complete destruction. Scary.

You practice, you start paying more attention to what others do behind the wheel. You learn, you get better, you pass the test. With each repletion of driving you get better ( well hopefully you do .... ) You never stop learning though. Each road has its challenges to be over come. Each day with traffic and weather conditions require thought and skill to drive. But you do it.

So how is this like AA? What made me think of it in the first place was watching a student driver the other day. For whatever reason I was zapped back in time to the first time I officially drove. (we won't talk about the time I drove my sisters jeep in the driveway .... and got caught!!)

What first came to me was that sick sensation in my stomach. Today I know it as fear and anxiety. The sweaty hands. The "oh God help me" prayer because there was just to much to remember and I would NOT be able to do it!! Just like the first time I walked through the doors of AA.

When I walked in the doors I thought getting sober was going to be as easy as ... well, driving a car!! Just stop drinking. I quickly discovered that there was a lot MORE than just stop drinking. I did not understand half of half of half of it. And that was on a GOOD day!

I met some people that were willing and brave enough to give me instructions. They told me some mistakes were ok to make, others would be deadly. They told me some of the roads I would take would be challenging beyond belief but I would be able to navigate them if I was following the rules of the road. They told me some of the roads would be pretty and enjoyable, yet I should drive them with the same vigilance as the hard ones. You will be just as dead at 20mph as 100mph. Don't take stupid chances.

They told me if I listened to them and kept practicing it would get easier and less scary. That I would get better.

And they were right.

Isolation ..... Updating

So here I am, just shy of a year later writing again. Still sober ... Thank You God......

I am not sure if it counts as isolation if you stop doing something that nobody ever read anyways. I am not honestly sure if that is why I stopped or if life just got too busy. A little of both for sure. Bottom line is that I am going to start writing again. I go back and re-read what I have read and discover all over again some joyful reasons to stay sober. So even if I am the only person to ever read this blog, it is worth writing.

The quick year in review...........

In September I WENT TO SCHOOL!!!!! Me, a forty something year old high school dropout who has not been near a classroom (daughters not included) in over twenty years. Baby steps baby steps baby steps..... I can do ANYTHING I want today .... except drink. So off to school I went. I just took one class to see how I would do. Scared to freaking death. English. Writing. Start of easy right? WRONG ... For me it was tough stuff. After the first month though I discovered something very important. If I follow directions then I did good. Just like AA. Do the suggestions, stay sober. Imagine that?? I got a A.

January brought some good and bad. But the bad kind of forced the good. The party rental place I ran closed down. In a kind of nasty way with hurt feelings. That is the soft version of the bad. However, now we get to the good, in talking with my sponsor I followed her suggestion and signed up for a certification program to become a Drug and Alcohol Counselor. How AMAZING is THAT!! I never ever would have done that if I was doing the rental company. I could not have done it. That was a real obvious God shuts a door and opens a window!

February brought the start of classes. I was still pretty scared but not as much as in the fall. I walked into the class with a open mindedness and willingness I have never possessed for school. I love it. Love the class, the teachers, most of the other students .... Love the work. LOVE IT!!

School ended in May and does not start up again until September. I will, hopefully, be a very busy girl at that time. Work, school, internship. I am very much looking forward to it all.

Today, I can do ANYTHING I WANT ~ but drink.

Meetings

So much is fizzing in my head right now. Tonight's meeting was another one were I wanted to rip the hair out of my head. I am trying so hard to find "purpose", to remind myself that someone needs to hear what the person is saying. That maybe I need to hear what they are saying. But ohhhhh..... it is so hard at times!!!!

Suggestion for anyone who is sharing, please spare us every single drink you have ever had, all those black outs you don't remember .... they are not any funnier because you don't remember!! And don't make stuff up. Please, please please. We can tell.

I think that part of it for me is that I want to hear about recovery more than war stories. We all have our war stories, and a couple of them to qualify, ok ... but what is life like for you now? What have you learned? How have you learned it? What is going on in your life right now? Today? Good bad, happy sad, how are you doing??? When the shit hit the fan and you wanted to drink, what made you realize you didn't HAVE TO!!!!

Experience, STRENGTH and HOPE!!!!!!!

When I speak, I hate trying to figure out the pre-qualifying. I don't know when I crossed the line, I don't think it matters. I do know from my first drink to my last, it was about getting drunk. I would like to stop it right there. But I know it is important to share the how you got there, so I do talk a little bit about the progression, and the fact that I did not have any "jackpots". As fast as I can I try to jump to the now, what I have learned, why I love the fellowship, how the God of MY understanding is working in my life. Why AA is working in my life.

God Bless the person up there tonight. I hope that they got what they needed, that someone heard what they were suppose too. And I pray that God gives me the patience I need, and teaches me to stop being so damn judgemental!!! Progress .....