One Week ~

A week from today, if I keep doing what I am suppose to be doing, I will have six years of sobriety.  Wow. 
I have a bit of the PMS (pre-medallion-syndrome) going on.  Reflecting on the past, goods and bads, recent and long ago. 
Time to take a look at my feet, where am I today?  Today is the day that matters.
Today I woke up and said "Hi God".  I woke up sober.  Because I woke up sober I feel pretty good about the day.  I have some "stuff" floating around in my life right now that is not so great but because I am sober I know that however it works out it will be ok.  Perhaps not the way I would like it but it will be ok.  I have things to look forward to today.  The babies are coming over this afternoon.  That will fill my heart with pure joy.  Because I am sober I will be with them all the way while they are here.  Such a huge gift.  I have my meeting tonight and will see people I care about and care about me.  I will learn something today.  Right now I don't know what it is, it may have already been presented to me and I don't see it yet.  But I KNOW I will learn something, I do everyday.  How wonderful.
I am wearing clean comfortable clothes.  I have a little (very little) money in my pocket but it is enough to cover all the needs I have.  Gas in the car, food in my belly. 
A God that loves me.
A life.
Yup, I have to keep myself in today.  Today is good.  Not perfect but it is good.  I am sober.  Today.

Short and sweet

Not a day goes by that I do not find something to be grateful for in my life.  It does not matter how bad things "feel" I know they can get worse, so rather than dwell on that I look for things to smile about.  I may not always smile smile on the outside but I feel a little lighter on the inside.

Today has been one of those days and that being said I will share a short but sweet gratitude list:

1. Belief in a power great than me that is taking care of me even as I type.

2. SOBRIETY

3. A family that loves me and I love back

4. BABIES ~ just looking at the pictures of the little ones we have running around fills my heart with joy.

5. Plants that hug bird feeders.  Just because.

See, simple.  I could and perhaps should go all out with a big list as a reminder to myself just how many things I have going on in my life that are positive.  It is important sometimes for me to take an inventory of all the good stuff.  One of the things I fear is that I will allow my negative thinking creep in for the take over again. 

Life is good.  Today

Impact

It has been a minute or two since I have posted last. So many things have happened in the past six months it is amazing, for me at least. I am "done" with school, have a new job and continue to be blessed with amazing people in my life. All of the things that have happened in my life are gifts of sobriety and the God of my understanding!!

As always I have numerous thoughts twirling through my head. Right now what keeps popping up is how so much of my life revolves around my addiction. Thank you God today it is in a positive way but I would not be were I am today, doing the things I am doing, loving life on a daily basis if I was not an alcoholic.

Just as my active addiction touched and impacted those around me so does my recovery. The circle of recovery is bigger than that of active addiction and I consider that a twofold blessing. One that the damage I caused out right in active addiction was of far less impact than recovery. Second that my circle of living has grown so much.

Unlike when I was active, living in the denial that I was hurting anyone, I can see how being in recovery blankets those around me. A recent family trip that would have caused any sane person to drink ~ I did not. I rolled with what was going on for the majority of the trip and did not have to add to the drama. I could also see how AA's impact in my fathers life kept him from what could have been major explosions. Two days ago I was able to just sit with my daughter eating doughnuts and cider, relaxed, enjoying a fall day. My daughter informed me she was content. Peace that was shared. Two VIP's in my life that joined the fellowship and have remained. One celebrated a year last month and the other (God willing) will do the same in early November.

A few glimpses of how recovery is working in my life. From not believing I was hurting anyone, to seeing how my own sobriety impacts those around me, yet another gift from God.

Is there a bit of irony in the fact that it was denial that what I was doing impacted those around me (so I could keep doing it) and acceptance that what I do today impacts others and inspires me to keep doing what I do? Yah, a bit. I wish I could say that if I knew the pain I was causing that I would have stopped but I don't think it would have happened. I would have isolated more to try and lessen the damage or something along those lines and no doubt drank more to deal with the feelings of guilt and shame. It is crazy how the disease works.

Not today though. I am a far cry from perfect but I am a hell of a lot better. That is not ego talking either. If all that I did was stay sober that would be a huge improvement in my world and the impact I have on it but I also continue to make improvements to self so that I can be a better person. If I am a better person then I have a better impact.

My reward is moments in the sun with my daughter just being content.

Hanging in ~

Since my last post, I have not been in the mood to write. Part of it was being wrapped up in recovery from my surgery. That was really tough for me to try and take it easy and just get better. Any time I thought about writing, the words were all whiny. "Wine" of any kind, I don't want on my blog ... ;)

About a week or so after that post, yet another friend admitted to using. If I thought I was bothered before, yow ch. This time it was someone very close to me, that I truly love and consider family. I am still dealing with it to be honest. Concern for the person, and the other people involved. I am joyful over the fact that they are "back", and working on doing the next right thing in recovery. I really really mean it when I think or say NO SHAME for coming back. But I think for the first time too, I have really seen the havoc of a active user. Like I said, I am still dealing with it.

I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life because of AA, and over all it just seems like the past few months have not been very kind to them. Loss of jobs, family, health .... the list is actually rather lengthy. I think I have just felt kind of useless knowing that I can't do anything to fix these things for them, and I feel bad trying to cheer them up all the time if that makes any sence at all!! Like I am not "hearing" the pain they are in. Look for God in it ~ be glad you have clean socks!! Just because that works for me, gets me through my rough days, does not mean that is what they need to hear. So again, I did not feel like writing and have it all be downer stuff.

All that being said, I am looking for God in in the troubles that seem to be passing by my door. I really and honestly do not believe that God is punishing these people, life on life's terms. That saying "Why me? Why not?" a little harsh, but that is the reality. We all get crap, what are you going to do about it? God is always with me, that I know. It is my belief that He is with everyone, and is just waiting for you to say "ok God, You call the shots, and I will accept it". I still don't think you have to LIKE everything all the time. But I also believe that if you look, you can see Gods grace in everything. But you have to look.

This past weekend was hell at work. I am so lucky right now to complain that work was "too" busy!!! I gave thanks, even though my head was spinning. I had over scheduled a rental item, and could not get the back up as planned. So on Sunday I had to get the back up, then deliver it to the customer. I was not in a happy place. I continued in the crabby place until I got home ... pissed of that the boy who works for me did not follow MY plan ... arrrhhh raaahhh ..eh..whine.. So when I got home I was bitching out loud to my mother and sister. While I was doing that I told them about the little girl who I brought the rental item too. It was HER birthday. Oh she was SO excited to see me!! Was I going to stay for her party? She had blond bouncy hair, a bright colorful sundress on, and was literally DANCING with excitement!!!!

For just a few minutes I got to be a part of that. How cool. God showed me front and center how the job I do makes for happy kids, and it is fun when you see happy kids. God also gave me the grace to see that. Did it make the rest of the terrible day go away? No, it is what it is. But I did not care so much. I survived, and I knew I would. I did not get any phone calls people mad at me, though I am sure there were a couple who were less than happy. Hopefully when the day was done they were thinking of there own bits of dancing sun, and the success of the day.

I can't help it, there are days when the best thing is I have clean socks. But, I HAVE CLEAN SOCKS!!! They are mine, and I washed them and put them away. Because I am sober and I can. Thankfully though, I am able to raise the bar a bit, and also see beautiful 3 year old princess girls. Dancing 'cause it's their birthday!!!!

So as sad as I am, as frustrated, looks like I needed to post to keep my head in the game.
GRAD-AH-TUDE Amen

Self Esteem

Tonight one of the speakers said a number of things I could identify with.

The one that really hit me was the many many times he would go to bed/ pass out, asking God to take his life. I was there. For many reasons, my nephew committing suicide, and my daughter being two big ones, I knew I would not attempt to take my own life. But I would pray that God would just "take me". I don't know how many times I prayed that.

The guy tonight said about 6 months into sobriety he was thinking of those days, and it came to him that God DID in fact take his life. Took it and gave him a new one. Completely blew my mind. Wow. Yup. Thank You God!!!!

It was just what I needed to hear tonight. I had been gazing at the pity pot most of the day. One of the houses I had to clean today was a former classmate. Just not a good feeling. Felt like I had a big L stamped on my head. Happy for her that things are going well, she was always a good person way back when. But still felt crummy that "my life today" is living with my parents and cleaning houses.

Once we left that house and went on to the next, I was able to put most of it in perspective. Honest days pay, honest days work, and I am really grateful to HAVE a job right now, and the blessing of living at home are many.

Hearing this guy talk though, really put the brakes on the self pity. God has given me a new life. He was that good to me. He gave me a second chance. It may never be in the cards for me to have a big house w/ a cleaning service. Thats ok. I HAVE so much. And I continue to receive so many gifts in sobriety. Like that guy tonight. And all the people I have in my life today because of AA.

Thank You God!!

Some Are Sicker Than Others

~~ And I am pretty sick!!!



Those of you that know me, know that is a fact. But you love me anyways ;) God bless you for that.



Today though, the sick is a cold of the New England Winter variety. The sick part of it is that while being slightly whiny about being sick, I am also ... grateful. What? Yes, grateful.



My head is stuffed up, my eyes feel like they want to pop out, my stomach is queasy, and I have no motivation to do anything. What does that sound like? Like my old life on a daily basis with the self inflicted misery of alcohol abuse. And I called that fun. I would wake up like that every morning. Swear it would be the last time. Then that afternoon .... well hell, it was not THAT bad. And off I would go, to do it all over again.

Today I have freedom from that old life.

~ I started writing this post on Sunday, today is Tuesday, and already I feel SOOOO much better. By the end of the week I should be at least 95% better. Having this cold did serve as a reminder of all those little day to day gifts I have in my life now that I am sober. Didn't stop me from being a little bit whiny, I don't do sick well. Baby.

Yet same as with sobriety, if I don't want to get sick again there are things I have to do. And just as important, things I should not do if I want to continue to be better. Sobriety, AA, the 12 steps has given me back a few brain cells to keep me on track with my health over all. To the best of my ability at any rate. So today will be another day of trying to relax and take it easy. Drink lots of water and stay warm. The world will continue to spin if I take a nap this afternoon.

Dance With God

(click on image to enlarge)

Thank you my lovely friend for sharing this poem with me (us). I did do a google search in hopes of being able to give the author credit, I could find the poem, but not the author. So who ever you are, Thank YOU too for these inspiring words.

Gifts

Let them eat cake!!! Cookies and brownies too!!!

Tonight one of the guys brought in amazing fantastic awesome brownies. I was lucky enough to be one of the people he shared with. ( Yes, I whined a bit..) So there we were, stuffing our faces and rolling our eyes enjoying our brownies when Bill W. pipes up with, " Do you think to be grateful for something like this? Think about it, if you were drinking, would you have even tried this brownie?" Nope. I use to think I did not like sweets, once I got sober I discovered that it was beer and cake that did not mix, not me and cake. Cake and I get along a little to well in sobriety ... lol

But Bill was so right, what a gift, on so many levels. The fact that I DO like these things, and WILL try them, and enjoy them ever so much (Dave, thanks again for the brownies you are my hero) That this is my life now, being able to sit with some awesome people and enjoy brownies for no reason. That I have these awesome people in my life.

There are times throughout my day that the gifts of sobriety are obvious to me, eating a brownie was not really on the list, until today. A very good reminder for me too how important ALL these gifts are. How good, how much better these gifts are, when I take the time to see them. I get to enjoy them twice as much :)

So, Thank You God, for clean socks, awesome brownies, and the most wonderful people on earth.