Amazing Amends

I have mentioned before my struggle with step 9. The who, the how, the when. I have surgery coming up on Wednesday. Pretty basic nothing to worry about I should be fine .... but there is always the "risk"........ So, if, God forbid, something does happen ...... I want my side of the street clean. Not so much thinking that if I stand before the God of my understanding I can say "see what a good doobie I am" ... but more because of that line in the promises.. " I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".
I will always regret the past if I don't try and do something about it. No, can't go back and change it, or fix up the screw ups. Done is done. But I can own it, and apologize for my bad behavior and judgement. Having done that, I no longer have to regret it.
Today I did, what for me, my most important amends. I talked with my 19yr old daughter. And she amazed me. She gave me the unmerited gift of forgiveness and understanding in a way beyond her years. She opened the door a bit to let me see into her life. It is still going to take a while before I am allowed all the way in, but I can't begin to tell you how full I feel right now with just the bit. I was not sure I would ever get that. The person I was did not deserve it, and how could I expect her to trust that I was worth having in her real life now.
We talked and talked, and listened and listened. She is such a smart person. Something she understood way more that I would have ever expected. People go to school for years and don't have the insight into this disease that this young women does. She is learning to accept that it is a disease, that it controlled my actions to the point that I would choose the booze over her and her father. She is trying to understand that although the disease controlled me, I am still responsible for what I did. This is all pretty weighty stuff for me at age 40, she is getting it a lot better and with more wisdom at age 19!!
So today, some burdens were lifted, for both of us. In place of those burdens that have been weighing down our relationship I really do believe that the seeds of something wonderful were planted. I received so many gifts today. All of them so undeserved, and cherished from the tips of my toes to the top of my head!!

Today, my daughter said " I am proud you are my mother"

Thank you God, thank you AA.

Step 9

This is the step I have struggled with the most. MY thinking is let sleeping dogs ...........

I understand the need for it. I want the relief that will come with doing this step. But I have struggled a lot with it. How to do it, when to do it, what do I say when I do it. I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think of all the people I SHOULD make amends too!!! I think of the things I have done .... Fear and shame fill me.

I have had some little tiny baby step progress though. I have been talking with both AA people and my "house" family. I have been sincere in my heart about wanting to do this step, it has been the HOW. Honesty, Open mind, and Willing. That's what I had to start with. Again, baby steps, made a few.

Now, God doing His God thing again :

Step nine has not been to far from my mind. When ever I would drive by a former job place, I would think about how I should make amends. I just KNEW the guy I worked for would laugh his head off if I ever walked in and said " Hi, I am in AA now and want to tell you how sorry I am for drinking all your beer". No way would he get it.

Tonight, before going on a commitment with my new group that I joined last Friday, I was working on my amends to the rest of my family. Again, baby steps.

Get to the meeting and for what ever reason tonight I was really really nervous about talking. Heart pounding, shaking .. I had to keep my hands behind my back because the podium was shaking too!! Once I got going I was ok. Included in my story the part about drinking off the keg at work.

Here comes the God part ...

After the meeting, doing a little chit chatting .... and who jumps in front of me " HI KRIS". If you guessed my former employer you win!! Talk about a "oh shit" moment. Well, damn. No coincidences in AA. So I told him about my struggle as to making amends to him. And I apologized for all the beer I drank. And he gave me a hug and said it was ok, he was doing the same thing. And just like that, that one is off my list.

But it was a set up. I join a group Friday, work on my amends today, go with the new group ...'come on!!

Thank You God. Thank You.