And .... DONE!!

Even in weakness there is strength. 

As much of a struggle it was at times this year to stay positive throughout the holidays I did.  Perhaps not in a grand manner like the tree that pulled up the boulder ~ yet the picture for me symbolizes so well how even when you are down you can be strong. 

I am feeling as though I have crossed the line back into the "safe" zone now that the holidays are a done deal.  The stress is ebbing from my body and my head is not in a million and one places trying to keep track of all I have left to do. 

For the most part anyways!  I have a major decision I have to make in the next day or so and like a typical alkie I have twisted and turned, flattened and stretched out all the possible scenarios trying to make it fit into what I WANT vs. what I NEED.  ~ sigh~   More will be reveled ... I hope!!

I am grateful I have made it through "the deadly triangle" once again, managed to have some good fun despite the self induced stress and best of all have an entire year before I have to start it up again!!

HAPPY SOBER 2012!!

One to go....

At last nights meeting the speaker called it "the deadly triangle"  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years"  So true so true so true. 

I have another one under my belt, and Saturday night will be spent in celebration of friends from my home group getting married.  I know I really won't breath all the way easy though until it is all a done deal.  Down the road in my sobriety I hope the holidays get a bit easier.  Right now they are so filled with self induced stress that makes me more than a little scared.  Then I get cranky.  Character defects surface. 

The good news, I do have a defence.  I am no longer powerless against that first drink.  Instead I can call people, go to a meeting and identify what is going on and why I could even consider a drink.  God forbid that first drink reaches my lips though.  All the gains I have made in the past six years would be gone with that first sip.  I would once again be powerless over alcohol.

I have been debating going to a meeting tonight.  I went to one this afternoon, I went last night..  And it is apparent that I need to go to one tonight regardless of the fact that I still have laundry to put away and cleaning to do. 

Pick up the tools, use them.  THAT is what needs to be done on a daily basis.

Not at a Bar

Thanksgiving Eve.  Home.  Not at a bar.  The house is scented with nutmeg, squash, chocolate and onions.  Yep, onions.  The table is set, what can be cooked it cooked or cooking.  No chaos.  Calm.  Not at a bar.  Tomorrow will bring a little chaos, family.  Those last minute details.  Baby smiles.  Hugs.  Meetings.  More hugs.  A celebration of the joy of sobriety.  Honest emotions missing those that are no longer here.  Real emotions.  Not at a bar.  The day will end with over full belly.  Sleep.  Peace.  Not at a bar

Welcome 2011!!

If you are half as fun and interesting as 2010 then I am in for the ride of my life!!





I could never ever in a million years have predicted the drastic changes in my life from one year ago. One year ago the future I envisioned was pretty much what I had already done. Not that I thought it was as good as it was going to get but I figured I would just stay on the same plodding path. As long as I was keeping my sobriety in the number one spot then life was good.





Keeping sobriety number one remains the most important. I pray God that never changes. But so many other things changed. Relationships and jobs ended. What I thought was the end of the road turned out to just be the crest leading to a whole new vista. It has not been without it's storm clouds, life on life's terms after all, but it has also been filled with so much bright and shiny. Some of it is sparkly new right out of the box. Things I dreamed about from a slouched and slobbery stool at the bar, things I never even thought to dream about. Mixed in with that are some older dreams that had been tarnished and dulled through abuse and neglect. They too are starting to shine. Some of the tarnish may never come off ~ life on life's terms ~ but I am not giving up. The shine that is coming through has a depth and warmth that comes only from age and love.





I do not know why God has blessed me the way He has. I do know that I am grateful from the tippty top of my head to the bottom of my toes. I don't have all the details of His plans for me and that is ok. As long as I am willing to let Him call the shots and do the footwork I have not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that everything will work out the way it is suppose to.

One Day At A Time.

Tri-Fecta

One down, two to go!!

Five years later and I have to admit I do still find the holiday season a bit of a struggle. Not a huge one, thank You God, but thoughts of drinking and a longing for the bar still flavors my thoughts.

I did this year for T-day what I have been doing ... went to meetings. I went to an alkathon in the morning with my dad. It was a great way to start my day. Surrounded by people who know just how I feel. Surrounded by people who just like me felt a tad bit off because it was a holiday.

It did not matter how many years of sobriety we had, it mattered not if we had family back in our lives or are still on the outs. Something about the holiday and the monster inside starts the jabbering that "it was not all that bad!! Remember that time ..." and some of the "fun" of drinking starts floating through.

But I did not have to drink.

Instead I met my family obligation and did in fact have an enjoyable time with them. I am blessed in that I do in fact like my family and they like me back. I played with my brothers girlfriends grand kids and did not have to worry about balancing a baby and a beer. I did have to balance a baby and a plate of food! (Only got a little bit in her hair) And in return this one year old would look up at me with big eyes full of trust, offer me a handful of smooshed stuffing and smile a big ole drooley baby smile when I gave her a kiss. Awesome.

I went to two more meetings after that. When I finally made it to bed I was tired and content with my life. I did not drink.

Happy 2009!!!

(image from NASA website)

May this year bring joy, peace, and much love to all!!!!

My fifth sober New Years. Wicked Freaking Awesome :)

I was trying to think, and yes it hurt my head, if I had had a sober NY's before coming to AA. Not counting the ones when I was a little kid. I may have up until my 21'st birthday. I really can't remember. I kind of remember a party when I was 17, but I can't remember if I got high before I went. One of the things I do remember was that I was disappointed that there was NO booze or drugs. I felt I got ripped off. So, if that is how I felt at 17, and I was not drinking then on a regular basis at all, does it mean that my alcoholism HAD already started? Honestly it does not matter for me now. I am a alcoholic and that's that. But it does make me wonder, and worry more about the kids in my family and extended family. Not that it does any good to worry ... but I still do.

Anyways, my thoughts are pretty scattered today, that was then and this is now. I have today, and today is the first day of sobriety I have in 2009. Well, it will be once I lay my head down tonight. I feel pretty good about making it through the day.

I have no idea what 2009 will have in store for me. Some good, some not so good I am sure. I think I would like to make it a fun year. That does not mean I am heading to Disney Word (although I wouldn't MIND that). This past year, though filled with some great and awesome things, was a wee bit depressing too. I don't think you can live in the US right now and not be bummed out about money matters. This year, I want to take as much enjoyment as I can. Maybe plan less things and spend more time on the things I do plan. Ease up on life a bit. Relax, enjoy, and see the fun it what I am doing. Simple stuff, silly stuff. Laugh more.

My sister and I were home alone the other night. We were giggling like little kids because we got pizza for dinner instead of making what had been pulled out of the freezer, we also .. no telling on us ... ate in the living room!! Mind you, whenever there is a family gathering we eat there so it really was not a big deal, just not something we "do". So silly as that was, it was fun. Then ... we are easily amused too ... we took the picture my niece had sent, stuck a teeny little Santa hat on it, and took pictures of the picture with all the Christmas decorations (singing Hallmark penguins, things like that) Again, it was silly, but it was fun. I made a smile box creation out of it and sent it to everyone .... so then they had fun too. Little itty bitty fun ... but still, fun.

I was suppose to take another niece sledding today .... tooooooo cold. Not fun. So rather than both of us be cold and crabby I re-scheduled for tomorrow when it will be a balmy 32 out. THEN it will be fun. It is making those type of little adjustments, that's what I need to do to have more FUN this year.

So here's to a FUN, SOBER year for all!!!

Two Down ~

Two down and one to go!! Much easier this year than last, and easier still than the first. New Years will actually be my fifth New Years spent sober. I spent New Years 04/05 in detox. I don't know if that can REALLY count as sober though. I was not drinking, but I was on whatever they gave me to detox on.

It was the start of my journey into recovery though. New Years was on a Friday, and I went into detox on a Thursday after getting completely hammered on Wednesday. Hit every bar in town, some of them twice. I had no idea that I would end up in a detox that night. I had even less of a clue that the road I am on now would be filled with both so many joys and pains. To be honest, had I known I don't think I would have had the courage to step foot onto it. The more I think about it, there is no way I would have done it. I had spent far to many years using the booze as my way to deal with things. I would have looked at all that I have had to do to get were I am and gone running to the bar. You would have needed a crow bar to pry me off my bar stool.

All that being said, I am SO glad that I am here and not there. Despite all the growing pains to get here, my life is filled with MUCH joy!! Just the fact that I got up this morning and had no hang over or regrets from the day before. What a gift, what a joy. Even the ability to appreciate that it is a gift, is a gift!! lol To many gifts to count on a daily basis, that is the core of my sobriety now.

The growth I have gone through as a person is pretty neat too. And again, the ability to SEE it now. So even though I would have gone running if I knew what I was in for, I am so glad that is not how it worked out. I like being this new person who is working on a daily basis to be better. There will always be room for improvement. Always room to grow just a little bit more. And always room in my heart for more more more of the love I am finding in the world I live in. How great is that? It is freaking awesome!!! That's how great!!

Happy New Year!!