Awakening of Spirit

The last couple of meetings for the AWOL we discussed having a “spiritual awakening”. It does say in Step 12 “Having had a spiritual awaking …” Most of the woman had some sort of significant experience. Like Bill W. they had a “hot flash”. A major how else to you explain this other than spiritual!!! Direct contact with the God of their understanding. It was pretty amazing, and humbling.

When it was my turn to speak, I did not have a knock your socks off spiritual awakening to share. No trumpets, bright lights, or ethereal hugs. What I have, what I am able to share is just as big though. At least for me.

I have awareness and acceptance. Things I did not have before joining AA, at least not to the extent I do now. Awareness of all the little God things in my life, as I have shared here in this blog a number of times. God doing his God thing. I love it when I catch onto one of those moments. It truly lifts me up. Awareness of how rich and wonderful my life is, even on the bad days, for the wonderful people God has put into my life. The awareness that the things I learn from these people are also gifts from God. The fact that I am learning, gift from God. And much much more.

Acceptance too has many different facets that create my spiritual awakening. Right off the bat, the fact that I believe the stories people share of their own “hot flash”. I don’t doubt it. Acceptance of the things I have become aware of, and that they are gifts from God. Hand in hand for me, acceptance and awareness. My own gifts from God on a daily basis.

One of the things said at the AWOL that has also altered how I viewed this entire spiritual awakening, something that absolutely FLUNG OPEN the door to a new way of thinking. Reverse it … instead of having a spiritual awakening, which does bring to mind the trumpets and bright lights … same words, different order … I have had an Awakening of Spirit. Wow.

When that was said, I have to admit it rocked my world. It really showed me what was at the very core of MY recovery. For as long as I can remember, I “just wanted to be happy”. I just had no clue as to how to go about it. I thought the fun I was having at the bar was as good as it was ever going to get. Now I take those words, and apply them to my life today, and you better believe I have had an awakening of spirit!! Back to the awareness, and acceptance being the core of it. AA is about change, and I have changed. Each change brings about additional “awakening”. Growth.

This is a subject that I really could go on and on and on and on and on…… It truly is wonderful to know that I have had a spiritual awakening, in the form of an awakening spirit. And I still have not rubbed the sleep out of my eyes ……..

Bitter Sweet ....

Tomorow is my last AWOL. We will finish up Step 12 and have some dinner and snacks. Part of me is very excited. Yay, done!! I DID IT!! And I feel like I "did it" too. All good good good. I learned so much, and I know I grew too. I can't help feel good about that. Hopefully I don't get to smart for my own good, and keep in mind that these steps are ARE a daily project. I do plan to get back to my regular 12 step meeting.

Of course, I am sad too. This group of women has been so amazing. I will miss the gabbing, the meeting, the love, the friendship. A man said at the meeting last night that he was "wrapped up in love" by the people who 12 stepped him. Thats how I feel about this group. I thank God that got to be a part of it. I got to really know a group of women in a way that I can't even begin to explain.

Even though the group is ending, I will always have that.

There is a chance we will meet up again to discuss another book, but I am afraid that the way the world works it won't happen. So I put that in God's hands, and if it happens, I will be back.

With bells on!!

Step 11

I am still loving my AWOL.

It continues to amaze me how going through a step, that I have read over and over and over and over the past three years, all of the sudden becomes clear with these women. "Things that used to baffle us ...." Thank You God.

For the most part, with all of the steps, my good friend gratitude plays the biggest part. As long as my heart is grateful, that is the first action for me completing the step. Well, not completing, if I am doing it right I will be doing it for a long time to come.

Tonight, step 11, I learned two things. One being the importance for ME to take a few minutes each day and .... breath... relax....enjoy...be grateful. At LEAST a few minutes. And the other thing, is that those few minutes count. I don't have to pray and meditate for hours at a time for it to work. The point again, comes down to ~ am I at least trying? ~ is it to the best of my ability..THAT DAY? Because again, all I have is TODAY. This day is the one I have to do my best. Not yesterday, done deal. Not tomorrow, not here yet. Just today. Simple.

Again, amazing how when explained just right, it makes sense, makes it doable. Even makes it something I have been doing. Cool

The Promises

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

(Alcoholics Anonymous, the Big Book)

Last night my AWOL group went over steps 8 & 9. Complete with reading from the Big Book, and reading the promises. I actually got a glimmer of WHY the promises are not until this step. A few weeks ago someone from the podium mentioned that the promises do not happen until after step 9. Being me, I got a resentment. That person was wrong, the promises are coming true in my life right now. Big Book thumper ...

The fact of the matter is, they ARE and HAVE been coming true in my life since the first day I really put myself in AA. But last night, after going over 8 & 9, reading from the Big Book, and talking about the steps, I understood more about the how's and whys of those promises and there fulfilment in my life. And why it is not until the completion of step 9 that they really come true.

One line that sticks out, was my light bulb turning on, is "Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us". I could never really figure that line out before. How could the fear of not having enough money leave me? I am always going to worry about money. And there were always be people that scare me a little..... there will always be something!!! After reading, and talking last night, I get it. Or at least I get it for me. If I am painstaking in the working of these steps, 8 & 9 in particular, I will have really cleared my side of the street. I will have made my amends to the people that I have "wronged", I will be doing the best I can to make restitution for owed money. I won't have to fear the phone, the mail, or running into people from my past.

Then, as I continue on my journey in sobriety, and continue to work the steps, I should not be putting myself in situations that piss people off. Thinking about that today, the past three years, I have not really done stuff to piss people off. Can't count my ex, he was pissed to begin with!!

The past three years has been about showing up to a step meeting, getting what I could out of it, trying to apply as much as I could in my life. Because it is a program of progress and not perfection, I have made progress. Doing this AWOL, I have made bigger progress. And when the AWOL is done, I will go back to my step meeting with a much better understanding of what I need to be doing on a daily basis to continue making progress. Pretty nice.

AWOL

Have I mentioned how much I am enjoying my AWOL? I really do enjoy it, for several reasons. The most important, it is helping me to stay sober. A pretty good reason to keep doing it I think.

I have to be honest about this. The snippets of contriversy over if a AWOL counts, bugs me!!

I had been going to a step meeting for 2 1/2 years faithfully. A 12 & 12, but really just a 12, we never did the traditions. So I heard that "my" step meeting did not really count. But it was helping me stay sober. So I kept going. And each week I got something out of the meeting. Each week I grew a little bit more as a person. A sober person. So because it was not an AA sanctioned meeting, does that make me any less sober?

The same thing goes for the AWOL. My understanding of those against it, the reason is we are not "really" "working" the steps. Well I just don't get that at all. I know for a fact that I AM working the steps to the best of my ability and knowledge at this stage of my sobriety. I am gaining insight into myself and my relationship with God. And ... I am staying sober. Am I less sober if I don't do the steps "just so"??

And people wonder why earth people think AA is a cult!! lol

Thank God the people who are a part of my daily AA don't hold these views. I am not sure I would have stayed with AA if my only option was to get sober just one way. I have instead been given the gift of a amazing fellowship in the form of the meetings I go to and all their various flavors. Because of, and in spite of, the old school/new school/tough love/soft love etc differences I am able to go to meetings that suit me best. And as I grow as a sober person, so do my needs and expectations of and for myself. And because I have such a great fellowship to teach me, learn from ..more growth.

Everybody learns differently. I am very grateful that the halls of AA were able to spawn some options that may not have made the approved list, but were able to get through to me. I am not talking about a easier softer way, those cards are not ones I try to play. I am talking about using different words or methods that make more sense to me. Down the line would I like to do a Big Book Step Study? Yes, and I am sure I will. When I am ready. When I am able to sort out the words without being overwhelmed. When God says I am ready for that step in my life. Right now, going the the 12 step meeting, and now the AWOL, I am getting a good foundation in AA. I am learning the ABC's of the Big Book. And I feel good. I feel good. Wow. Very cool :)

Oh yah, I think I read somewere too that the ONLY requirment for AA is a desire to stop drinking.............

Dirty Laundry

Step four ~ made a searching and fearless inventory

Does not sound that hard right? Until you actually sit down and try and do it!!

It has been interesting in the awol to see how others perceive Step 4. There is a mix of sobriety in the group, for some of us this will be our first attempt at Step 4, others have done several. Last night we talked about some of the "stuff" that has been plaguing us in our sobriety. As we went over different character defects people would share an experience of their own that related. I can't say that is the "norm" for Step 4 work or for an awol, but it is how this little group is working through it.

We all seem to have different yet similar ideas on what this Step will do for us. My own conclusion ....... Well you would have to know the t.v. commercial I am talking about to really get it ... The commercial has a huge GINORMOUS ball of dirty laundry rolling through yards, fences, playgrounds destroying everything in its path. It stops in the back yard of a family that had been peacefully relaxing, playing with the dog, enjoying life. Months of dirty laundry can be pretty scary says the commercial voice. The scenes flashes to the mother folding laundry with stacks and stacks and stacks of clean folded clothes in the background. The little boy goes over to the laundry basket and gives it a kick " not so scary now are you!"

That my friends, for ME, is Step 4. The entire laundry analogy fits. I came into this program with a great big ole freaking ball of dirty laundry. Tons and TONS of it!! It destroyed everything in its path and allowed no peace in my life. Very intimidating to look at. Over the course of the past three years I have been able to do some small loads here and there. But there is still a lot left to do!!! So now I approach Step Four the way I would doing laundry. I am going to have to start by sorting, the colors of my character defects ( fearful, anger, insecure, resentful, lazy, false pride, etc...) Then I have the heavy stuff ~ the jeans and sweatshirts that weigh more, take longer to dry ~ family, the people I really screwed over. Then the delicate, fragile things that might have to be hand washed. ~ family again, and my own heart. Step Four gives me the fancy shmancy washer and dryer on that commercial to work with. I can do some really big loads, along with those delicate. I can get it all done, just not in one day.

And see, the thing about laundry is, no matter how much you do, there is more. Step 10!!! I can do it on a daily basis after I get this monstrosity behind me. And because this is a life long program, when the time comes for me to do Step Four again, I am sure I will have another basket ready. It might just be washing the summer clothes, or the start of another scary ball!! Depends on how well I do step 10!!

So .... Off to the laundromat!!!!

Willful Ways ......

So, if I am doing step 3 correct .............. then my day is in fact none of my business. By turning my will over to my Higher Power, I am giving Him the ok to call the shots for the day. I am willing to go along with what He says.
Its a good thing it says "to practice" these steps to the best of our ability!!!
When I was drinking, I was a victim of myself, and "self will run riot". If God had any ideas of how He thought my day should go, I was very quick to shut Him out. I knew best. HA!!
But how do I know that I AM doing Gods will instead of mine? It is not like He sends me a daily itinerary or fax of "things to do".
I don't think there is a clear cut way to determine it. I just don't. But I did hear last night a good yardarm to go by. If I am about to do something, and it is making me edgy or uncomfortable in ANY way .... stop. Be still. Just wait. If I am feeling serene about what I am doing, then it is ok. I am good to go!! The other thing that I have heard and read I believe in the 12 & 12 is that it really is not a smart idea on my part to think I do in fact KNOW what God's will is for me. I need to talk to people about what is going on in life, to get their take on what should or should not be done. God's will may then become clear. Maybe. Until then, I should just be still. Wait.
As usual, I heard, learned many many good things last night at the awol. I am so glad I that am able to take part in it. I feel good about it. I am constantly surprised at how much of it already feels right in my life. I know that is in large part from going to the step meeting for two years. I learned much more than I thought. I absorbed WAY more that I thought. The path that stretches out before me is a lifetime long and again, if I am doing this right it is none of my business were it leads me, I just have to be willing to follow and keep my mind and heart open to new lessons.