Around the bend ..

When I wrote about my anniversary, I stated "I can't wait to see what year 7 has in store for me"  Well, I am at a bend in the road right now.  In a weeks time I will wrap up nine months of full time work at a detox and head back to the half way house I did my practicum at.  In my kinda sorta thoughts I had hoped to end up back in a half way house but kinda sorta thought it would be in another year or two.  Well, looks like it is now.  I am filled with all the fear, doubt and insecurity that I am afraid will plague every big move in my life.  I am also filled with hope, excitement and energy to start another new adventure in sobriety. 

 So far nothing has been exactly like what I thought it would be.  Which I suppose is just how it suppose to be!!  At two years sober I was terrified to leave the comfort of the locksmith and open a party rental store.  I was encouraged and supported to do it anyways.  I worked my ass off for it to prove that the faith put in me was justified.  I don't know that the people that put the money up feel I came through for them, but I know in my heart that worked it to the best of my ability and had some success.  I also learned straight up that it is far easier to sit at a bar and talk about being the boss than it is to be one!!  I learned so much in that period of living though.  Honestly, I learned how to live. Come out of my shell and try some things I had talked about.  I went to school.  Just one class, it was all I could afford both financially and emotionally if I am really honest about it.  I learned that I could go to school.  God doing His God thing, because next thing I knew the store was gone and I was off for more school to become a drug and alcohol counselor.  I was not ready to do that at year two of sobriety, I needed to go through the growth that the store gave me.

Now, living year six.  Nine months in a detox, the start of recovery for but a chosen few, even though I have met hundreds.  I needed to be there to learn more.  More about myself and what I am capable.  In school and in the fellowship I have met many people who worked detoxes and they all talked about how frustrating it is, the emotional tole it takes on you to see the same people in and out, in and out.  Perhaps it is because I was not there long enough but I don't feel that way.  As much as I would a thousand times rather see a client at a meeting, it made my heart happy to see them back.  If they come back then they still seek hope and help.  I can still try.

This next bend in the road ~ I don't know what is on that other side.  I know that I have learned a lot about recovery, relapse and addiction.  I have a new appreciation for people who keep trying and make it as far as a half way house.  It may be born in desperation but it still takes courage.  My hope is that I will be able to pass some of this on to them so they remain hopeful and grow in their own recovery.  I know that is what I will try.

A day at a time, so many many many gifts.

Made it!

Well I made it to my six year mark and a day at a time I can't wait to see what year seven is going to bring!!  I know it will be a mix of good and bad, that is life on life's terms after all.  Moments of pure joy and gratitude as well as moments were I questions everything I believe and work for. 

Today I have choices though about how I will deal with things.  Even how I anticipate them.  I can wake up each morning and let the negative thoughts call the shots "oh the weather is bad, I have so much work to do, I have such a long day at work,  ............"  I could give you a full list of all the negative thoughts and fears but choose not to stir the nest so to speak.  I try really hard to stay out of that neighborhood in my head.  To much like Hotel California!! 

Instead I try each day to reach for the good stuff.  Through work and persistence the past few years doing that has paid off.  I really do find a simple joy in each day.  Bright red berry's that stand out in a gloomy day.  It is not a million dollars but it is still pretty nifty.  An unexpected text or phone call from someone I love.  My mom laughing when I come home at night "Hi  home I'm Honey" (I don't know why that tickles her but it does!! ) My dad talking about the meeting he went to or golf game he played.  Pictures of the wonderful amazing babies. 

As my friend Peter says, "Today is a Good Day"

One Week ~

A week from today, if I keep doing what I am suppose to be doing, I will have six years of sobriety.  Wow. 
I have a bit of the PMS (pre-medallion-syndrome) going on.  Reflecting on the past, goods and bads, recent and long ago. 
Time to take a look at my feet, where am I today?  Today is the day that matters.
Today I woke up and said "Hi God".  I woke up sober.  Because I woke up sober I feel pretty good about the day.  I have some "stuff" floating around in my life right now that is not so great but because I am sober I know that however it works out it will be ok.  Perhaps not the way I would like it but it will be ok.  I have things to look forward to today.  The babies are coming over this afternoon.  That will fill my heart with pure joy.  Because I am sober I will be with them all the way while they are here.  Such a huge gift.  I have my meeting tonight and will see people I care about and care about me.  I will learn something today.  Right now I don't know what it is, it may have already been presented to me and I don't see it yet.  But I KNOW I will learn something, I do everyday.  How wonderful.
I am wearing clean comfortable clothes.  I have a little (very little) money in my pocket but it is enough to cover all the needs I have.  Gas in the car, food in my belly. 
A God that loves me.
A life.
Yup, I have to keep myself in today.  Today is good.  Not perfect but it is good.  I am sober.  Today.

Short and sweet

Not a day goes by that I do not find something to be grateful for in my life.  It does not matter how bad things "feel" I know they can get worse, so rather than dwell on that I look for things to smile about.  I may not always smile smile on the outside but I feel a little lighter on the inside.

Today has been one of those days and that being said I will share a short but sweet gratitude list:

1. Belief in a power great than me that is taking care of me even as I type.

2. SOBRIETY

3. A family that loves me and I love back

4. BABIES ~ just looking at the pictures of the little ones we have running around fills my heart with joy.

5. Plants that hug bird feeders.  Just because.

See, simple.  I could and perhaps should go all out with a big list as a reminder to myself just how many things I have going on in my life that are positive.  It is important sometimes for me to take an inventory of all the good stuff.  One of the things I fear is that I will allow my negative thinking creep in for the take over again. 

Life is good.  Today

Welcome 2011!!

If you are half as fun and interesting as 2010 then I am in for the ride of my life!!





I could never ever in a million years have predicted the drastic changes in my life from one year ago. One year ago the future I envisioned was pretty much what I had already done. Not that I thought it was as good as it was going to get but I figured I would just stay on the same plodding path. As long as I was keeping my sobriety in the number one spot then life was good.





Keeping sobriety number one remains the most important. I pray God that never changes. But so many other things changed. Relationships and jobs ended. What I thought was the end of the road turned out to just be the crest leading to a whole new vista. It has not been without it's storm clouds, life on life's terms after all, but it has also been filled with so much bright and shiny. Some of it is sparkly new right out of the box. Things I dreamed about from a slouched and slobbery stool at the bar, things I never even thought to dream about. Mixed in with that are some older dreams that had been tarnished and dulled through abuse and neglect. They too are starting to shine. Some of the tarnish may never come off ~ life on life's terms ~ but I am not giving up. The shine that is coming through has a depth and warmth that comes only from age and love.





I do not know why God has blessed me the way He has. I do know that I am grateful from the tippty top of my head to the bottom of my toes. I don't have all the details of His plans for me and that is ok. As long as I am willing to let Him call the shots and do the footwork I have not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that everything will work out the way it is suppose to.

One Day At A Time.

Getting it & Giving it away!!

There is a part in either the 12 & 12 or big book about the newly sober person working the program of AA and wanting to share it with everyone they know! From the first time I read that and right up until today I identify with that. I want to share what I have with EVERYONE I know ... AA or not.

Doing the AWOL tonight I really just wanted to wrap a few of the newer people up in "what I know today". As we start the writing for the fourth step and they are scared and not seeing past all the bad stuff in their life, I want to show them how good they are!! How absolutely wonderful they have always been deep down inside. I want to show them how much better they are going to continue to get as they continue their journey in recovery.

The things I "get" now that I did not get the start of my last awol ~ sigh ~ and as much as I want to "give" I know they have to "get" in their own time. But I can help if no other way that by being there and saying "hey, I walked through my fear and I am so happy with the results here I am doing it again!!"

There is just so much good in my life as the result of AA it is hard sometimes to not get carried away with "giving". I try all the time to remind myself that the absolute best way to "share" is to live according the the principles laid out in the program. To the best of my ability!! Progress, not perfection!!

I think the biggest thing I would just hand over as the best gift I could possibly give anyone, AA or Earthling, is the faith, belief and trust I have today in my Higher Power. It just feels so good. Better than good, GREAT! Having that Power Greater than me, turning my will and my life over to Her on a daily basis, never ever being alone again. Knowing that He loves me just the way I am. Amazing. Seeing those little day to day miracles and naming them as such. God doing His God thing. Blessed. Sooooo many gifts. I can't count them all and it would take me two lifetimes to give away all that I have been given in such a short time.

Can I get a Amen????

Hanging in ~

Since my last post, I have not been in the mood to write. Part of it was being wrapped up in recovery from my surgery. That was really tough for me to try and take it easy and just get better. Any time I thought about writing, the words were all whiny. "Wine" of any kind, I don't want on my blog ... ;)

About a week or so after that post, yet another friend admitted to using. If I thought I was bothered before, yow ch. This time it was someone very close to me, that I truly love and consider family. I am still dealing with it to be honest. Concern for the person, and the other people involved. I am joyful over the fact that they are "back", and working on doing the next right thing in recovery. I really really mean it when I think or say NO SHAME for coming back. But I think for the first time too, I have really seen the havoc of a active user. Like I said, I am still dealing with it.

I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life because of AA, and over all it just seems like the past few months have not been very kind to them. Loss of jobs, family, health .... the list is actually rather lengthy. I think I have just felt kind of useless knowing that I can't do anything to fix these things for them, and I feel bad trying to cheer them up all the time if that makes any sence at all!! Like I am not "hearing" the pain they are in. Look for God in it ~ be glad you have clean socks!! Just because that works for me, gets me through my rough days, does not mean that is what they need to hear. So again, I did not feel like writing and have it all be downer stuff.

All that being said, I am looking for God in in the troubles that seem to be passing by my door. I really and honestly do not believe that God is punishing these people, life on life's terms. That saying "Why me? Why not?" a little harsh, but that is the reality. We all get crap, what are you going to do about it? God is always with me, that I know. It is my belief that He is with everyone, and is just waiting for you to say "ok God, You call the shots, and I will accept it". I still don't think you have to LIKE everything all the time. But I also believe that if you look, you can see Gods grace in everything. But you have to look.

This past weekend was hell at work. I am so lucky right now to complain that work was "too" busy!!! I gave thanks, even though my head was spinning. I had over scheduled a rental item, and could not get the back up as planned. So on Sunday I had to get the back up, then deliver it to the customer. I was not in a happy place. I continued in the crabby place until I got home ... pissed of that the boy who works for me did not follow MY plan ... arrrhhh raaahhh ..eh..whine.. So when I got home I was bitching out loud to my mother and sister. While I was doing that I told them about the little girl who I brought the rental item too. It was HER birthday. Oh she was SO excited to see me!! Was I going to stay for her party? She had blond bouncy hair, a bright colorful sundress on, and was literally DANCING with excitement!!!!

For just a few minutes I got to be a part of that. How cool. God showed me front and center how the job I do makes for happy kids, and it is fun when you see happy kids. God also gave me the grace to see that. Did it make the rest of the terrible day go away? No, it is what it is. But I did not care so much. I survived, and I knew I would. I did not get any phone calls people mad at me, though I am sure there were a couple who were less than happy. Hopefully when the day was done they were thinking of there own bits of dancing sun, and the success of the day.

I can't help it, there are days when the best thing is I have clean socks. But, I HAVE CLEAN SOCKS!!! They are mine, and I washed them and put them away. Because I am sober and I can. Thankfully though, I am able to raise the bar a bit, and also see beautiful 3 year old princess girls. Dancing 'cause it's their birthday!!!!

So as sad as I am, as frustrated, looks like I needed to post to keep my head in the game.
GRAD-AH-TUDE Amen

Meetings

I have been laid up now for just about two weeks after having surgery. Blech!!

Literally I have been allowed to go downstairs twice a day and that's it. I have been keeping myself "connected" with AA through online meetings and talking to fellow AAers. And I thought
I was doing pretty good.

The online meetings work in a pinch as a meeting. The actual meetings that they hold are very similar to irl meetings. Someone shares the experience, strength and hope, then a topic is chosen and others share regarding that topic. So though it filled a need, it is kind of like eating pretzels when what you really wanted was french fries. Same food family, but not what you wanted.

Friends have been awesome calling in and seeing how I am doing. (Grateful nod to Nurse Deb and her daily calls!!!) Visits too have helped so much. Even if the talk is not really recovery AA talk, it is just so good to still have that connection to AA.

Friday night I got to go to my first meeting since April 14. That is a loooong time for me to not hit a meeting. I do still go pretty much every day. I tell you, it felt so good going to that meeting. It really felt like coming home. The hugs and seeing everyone was wonderful, missed my peeps big time. But it was the meeting itself that just made me feel so good. I did not realize how unbalanced I felt until after the meeting and I realized just how much better I felt!! I NEED my meetings. This enforced abstinence from meetings is really showing me just how big a part meetings play in my daily sobriety and mental health. Again, I had been feeling fine, no backslide thoughts or anything even remotely close to it. But I just felt so much BETTER after going to the meeting!!!

Saturday night dad and I hosted our traveling Steady Eddie meeting. Everyone was gracious enough to come over here because of my travel and stair restrictions. And again, I can't even tell you just how good I felt having that meeting. And yes, wonderful to see that group of peeps, some I only see at this meeting once a month, what made me feel good was the meeting itself. There is always good quality sharing at this meeting, and there was one person who had a bit more to share. What a privilege to be a part of that sharing. To be trusted with it, and to be able to respond with absolute love and no judgement. To see that happening around the room like that. So wonderful, such a gift.

Today, just for today at any rate, I understand why meeting makers make it!!

Amazing Amends

I have mentioned before my struggle with step 9. The who, the how, the when. I have surgery coming up on Wednesday. Pretty basic nothing to worry about I should be fine .... but there is always the "risk"........ So, if, God forbid, something does happen ...... I want my side of the street clean. Not so much thinking that if I stand before the God of my understanding I can say "see what a good doobie I am" ... but more because of that line in the promises.. " I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".
I will always regret the past if I don't try and do something about it. No, can't go back and change it, or fix up the screw ups. Done is done. But I can own it, and apologize for my bad behavior and judgement. Having done that, I no longer have to regret it.
Today I did, what for me, my most important amends. I talked with my 19yr old daughter. And she amazed me. She gave me the unmerited gift of forgiveness and understanding in a way beyond her years. She opened the door a bit to let me see into her life. It is still going to take a while before I am allowed all the way in, but I can't begin to tell you how full I feel right now with just the bit. I was not sure I would ever get that. The person I was did not deserve it, and how could I expect her to trust that I was worth having in her real life now.
We talked and talked, and listened and listened. She is such a smart person. Something she understood way more that I would have ever expected. People go to school for years and don't have the insight into this disease that this young women does. She is learning to accept that it is a disease, that it controlled my actions to the point that I would choose the booze over her and her father. She is trying to understand that although the disease controlled me, I am still responsible for what I did. This is all pretty weighty stuff for me at age 40, she is getting it a lot better and with more wisdom at age 19!!
So today, some burdens were lifted, for both of us. In place of those burdens that have been weighing down our relationship I really do believe that the seeds of something wonderful were planted. I received so many gifts today. All of them so undeserved, and cherished from the tips of my toes to the top of my head!!

Today, my daughter said " I am proud you are my mother"

Thank you God, thank you AA.

Some Are Sicker Than Others

~~ And I am pretty sick!!!



Those of you that know me, know that is a fact. But you love me anyways ;) God bless you for that.



Today though, the sick is a cold of the New England Winter variety. The sick part of it is that while being slightly whiny about being sick, I am also ... grateful. What? Yes, grateful.



My head is stuffed up, my eyes feel like they want to pop out, my stomach is queasy, and I have no motivation to do anything. What does that sound like? Like my old life on a daily basis with the self inflicted misery of alcohol abuse. And I called that fun. I would wake up like that every morning. Swear it would be the last time. Then that afternoon .... well hell, it was not THAT bad. And off I would go, to do it all over again.

Today I have freedom from that old life.

~ I started writing this post on Sunday, today is Tuesday, and already I feel SOOOO much better. By the end of the week I should be at least 95% better. Having this cold did serve as a reminder of all those little day to day gifts I have in my life now that I am sober. Didn't stop me from being a little bit whiny, I don't do sick well. Baby.

Yet same as with sobriety, if I don't want to get sick again there are things I have to do. And just as important, things I should not do if I want to continue to be better. Sobriety, AA, the 12 steps has given me back a few brain cells to keep me on track with my health over all. To the best of my ability at any rate. So today will be another day of trying to relax and take it easy. Drink lots of water and stay warm. The world will continue to spin if I take a nap this afternoon.

Grad-ah-tude

As you can see, my niece and I did make it sledding on Friday. Gift of sobriety. Going sledding with that little girl would have been a un-kept promise if I was still drinking. For one thing, I am sure I would have been hung over. I would have canceled saying a had a cold or the flu or something, and I probably would have believed that was the reason too. Thank God that is not the way I live today.

Because that is not how I live, I was able to take that little girl sledding for her very first time ever. And she "knew she really really loved sledding even though she had never gone before". Just so very neat to be able to spend the day with her like that. How BIG her eyes got when she saw the hill. Her willingness to try, even though I could tell she was a little scared, and the great big grin on her face after our first run down the hill. I got to be a part of that. Because I am sober, because her mom trust me with the care of her daughter, because I am sober, because I woke up that morning instead of "coming too". Gifts.

One of the things in life that I have always enjoyed are children. This little girls mom is my oldest niece, and she is just 7 years younger than me. Babies, toddlers, little kids, have been a part of my life since I was one!! As soon as I was able too I started babysitting. I was always watching my nieces and nephews when I was in my teens. I went right from my teens into my twenties and motherhood. I will admit that I slacked off a bit as the good auntie once I became a mommy, but I still loved to have the kids over. It was rare for hubby to come home and I did not have additional children in the house.

Then the drinking started to take off. As the drinking increased, the frequency of having other kids over went down. I did not enjoy it as much (it cut into my drinking). The kids were also getting older and Aunties house was not the thing to do. Could be part of why the drinking increased as well, I was suffering from empty nest syndrome!! Well, it could!! I was still very active in my daughters activity's, but the enjoyment was not there the way it would have been if I was not drinking. I know that now. She still got a pretty good mom, despite what she thinks at times, but I could have been much better. MUCH. That was then.

Now, having gone through so much angst as a parent, I really really enjoy being a Auntie and surrogate Auntie to friends children. I am able to do things, and take a great enjoyment in the doing because of what I have learned through AA. Back to having fun. I did not get sober to spend all my time at meetings, (though they are a BIG part of my life too!!). I got sober to be a person again. With a life. With the kids.

Yup, GRAD~AH~TUDE!!!!