Around the bend ..

When I wrote about my anniversary, I stated "I can't wait to see what year 7 has in store for me"  Well, I am at a bend in the road right now.  In a weeks time I will wrap up nine months of full time work at a detox and head back to the half way house I did my practicum at.  In my kinda sorta thoughts I had hoped to end up back in a half way house but kinda sorta thought it would be in another year or two.  Well, looks like it is now.  I am filled with all the fear, doubt and insecurity that I am afraid will plague every big move in my life.  I am also filled with hope, excitement and energy to start another new adventure in sobriety. 

 So far nothing has been exactly like what I thought it would be.  Which I suppose is just how it suppose to be!!  At two years sober I was terrified to leave the comfort of the locksmith and open a party rental store.  I was encouraged and supported to do it anyways.  I worked my ass off for it to prove that the faith put in me was justified.  I don't know that the people that put the money up feel I came through for them, but I know in my heart that worked it to the best of my ability and had some success.  I also learned straight up that it is far easier to sit at a bar and talk about being the boss than it is to be one!!  I learned so much in that period of living though.  Honestly, I learned how to live. Come out of my shell and try some things I had talked about.  I went to school.  Just one class, it was all I could afford both financially and emotionally if I am really honest about it.  I learned that I could go to school.  God doing His God thing, because next thing I knew the store was gone and I was off for more school to become a drug and alcohol counselor.  I was not ready to do that at year two of sobriety, I needed to go through the growth that the store gave me.

Now, living year six.  Nine months in a detox, the start of recovery for but a chosen few, even though I have met hundreds.  I needed to be there to learn more.  More about myself and what I am capable.  In school and in the fellowship I have met many people who worked detoxes and they all talked about how frustrating it is, the emotional tole it takes on you to see the same people in and out, in and out.  Perhaps it is because I was not there long enough but I don't feel that way.  As much as I would a thousand times rather see a client at a meeting, it made my heart happy to see them back.  If they come back then they still seek hope and help.  I can still try.

This next bend in the road ~ I don't know what is on that other side.  I know that I have learned a lot about recovery, relapse and addiction.  I have a new appreciation for people who keep trying and make it as far as a half way house.  It may be born in desperation but it still takes courage.  My hope is that I will be able to pass some of this on to them so they remain hopeful and grow in their own recovery.  I know that is what I will try.

A day at a time, so many many many gifts.

Happy New Year!!!

Three years of being sober. Amazing. When I started on this road, I was not sure if I was not in fact one of those who would be incapable of being completely honest, and therefore was doomed to drink again. I kind of looked at that line as my "out" if I drank again. I think that is why I hold so tight onto the fact that this is a disease and not a moral issue. If I based my recovery on my moral standing at the time, then I would certainly have failed.

When I made my way back into the halls after a brief yet forever period of six months or so, I had pushed all the buttons on the elevator to hell and got good and stuck on that second to last floor. I say second because I have no doubt in my mind that if I were to go out again, my life would descend yet another level into the bowels of hell. It would get worse. Fact. As to if I could get out of it, I don't know. I won't say absolutely not, because God forbid I do fall down. I won't take away all hope. I fear that I would not make it back though. More don't than do, and I am so grateful that I got back the first time. I have a much further distance to fall now too. That fall could kill me right off the bat. Scary. Very scary.

So here I am today, 3 years and some days into being a sober person. And life is pretty good. Far from perfect, way very far from perfect!! lol But I am sober, healthy, and my life is chock full of wonderful people. So my wallet may have dust in it, but my bank account is filled with gold. I am grateful.

I have some uphill climbs facing me at the moment. Like far to many right now, money being a huge issue. I have some health issues (nothing major) that need to be addressed, and money plays a part in what I can do. That is just plain sucky. I have itchy feet living at home right now, and I am waiting to see what God has to say about that ... lol Again comes back to money first. Then is it the best and smartest thing to do to move out??? That's a big can of worms. HUGE muddy gross. Oh the list goes on. But that's ok. If it was all perfect then something would be very wrong!!!!!!

One day, one hour, one minute at a time it will all get worked out to be just what it is suppose to be. I know I am not going to starve or have to run around naked.......... lol I also know that I will keep going to meetings, and be amazed at the people who have made their way back from that lower level of hell. I will be impressed with how they deal with life on life's terms TODAY. I will learn. I will accept that what is most important for me to do today is God's will, not mine. Ok, I will TRY REALLY REALLY HARD to accept that!!!! Always easier to do when things are going the way I want them to.

Year four will have new adventures, like the sober football game. New friends. So many new things will happen......... when it comes right down to it, I am excited about life. Bad stuff will happen too I am sure. I won't drink. Good or bad, as long as I keep doing what I am doing, and keep trying to do a little bit more than that!!!

My new year has begun!! Happy New Year!!!

Life is a chair of bowlies. Sometimes. Other times, if you are having a really good day, it might be a bowl of cherries! But life on lifes terms for me is usually the chair of bowlies. I am not saying that is a bad thing to be honest with you. I think if I was living on high, with a bowl of cherries everyday, then I might start thinking I was cured or something silly like that. My chair of bowlie days are not so bad. I can look back on just about everyday and find some good in it. I am sure I could find some not so good as well, but that really serves no purpose. When I lived in a bottle that is what I did all the time. It is amazing how easy it is to inventory how the world at large has wronged us. Those days were just the pitts.
I don't miss those days. Today I sit in my warm room listening to the wind whip around, content in the Super Bowl match ups and able to remember last nights games. I will go to work for a bit, but not before I have my mini meeting when I get my coffee. And I will go about my day. I do have a possible big stresser facing me today. I will ask God to help me, and He will. I might not care for the answer, but I will get one. And then I will continue on my day. Reminding myself not to dwell on the things that are not going "my" way.
And I am sure, today will in fact be a chair full of bowlies!!