Not at a Bar

Thanksgiving Eve.  Home.  Not at a bar.  The house is scented with nutmeg, squash, chocolate and onions.  Yep, onions.  The table is set, what can be cooked it cooked or cooking.  No chaos.  Calm.  Not at a bar.  Tomorrow will bring a little chaos, family.  Those last minute details.  Baby smiles.  Hugs.  Meetings.  More hugs.  A celebration of the joy of sobriety.  Honest emotions missing those that are no longer here.  Real emotions.  Not at a bar.  The day will end with over full belly.  Sleep.  Peace.  Not at a bar

Made it!

Well I made it to my six year mark and a day at a time I can't wait to see what year seven is going to bring!!  I know it will be a mix of good and bad, that is life on life's terms after all.  Moments of pure joy and gratitude as well as moments were I questions everything I believe and work for. 

Today I have choices though about how I will deal with things.  Even how I anticipate them.  I can wake up each morning and let the negative thoughts call the shots "oh the weather is bad, I have so much work to do, I have such a long day at work,  ............"  I could give you a full list of all the negative thoughts and fears but choose not to stir the nest so to speak.  I try really hard to stay out of that neighborhood in my head.  To much like Hotel California!! 

Instead I try each day to reach for the good stuff.  Through work and persistence the past few years doing that has paid off.  I really do find a simple joy in each day.  Bright red berry's that stand out in a gloomy day.  It is not a million dollars but it is still pretty nifty.  An unexpected text or phone call from someone I love.  My mom laughing when I come home at night "Hi  home I'm Honey" (I don't know why that tickles her but it does!! ) My dad talking about the meeting he went to or golf game he played.  Pictures of the wonderful amazing babies. 

As my friend Peter says, "Today is a Good Day"

One Week ~

A week from today, if I keep doing what I am suppose to be doing, I will have six years of sobriety.  Wow. 
I have a bit of the PMS (pre-medallion-syndrome) going on.  Reflecting on the past, goods and bads, recent and long ago. 
Time to take a look at my feet, where am I today?  Today is the day that matters.
Today I woke up and said "Hi God".  I woke up sober.  Because I woke up sober I feel pretty good about the day.  I have some "stuff" floating around in my life right now that is not so great but because I am sober I know that however it works out it will be ok.  Perhaps not the way I would like it but it will be ok.  I have things to look forward to today.  The babies are coming over this afternoon.  That will fill my heart with pure joy.  Because I am sober I will be with them all the way while they are here.  Such a huge gift.  I have my meeting tonight and will see people I care about and care about me.  I will learn something today.  Right now I don't know what it is, it may have already been presented to me and I don't see it yet.  But I KNOW I will learn something, I do everyday.  How wonderful.
I am wearing clean comfortable clothes.  I have a little (very little) money in my pocket but it is enough to cover all the needs I have.  Gas in the car, food in my belly. 
A God that loves me.
A life.
Yup, I have to keep myself in today.  Today is good.  Not perfect but it is good.  I am sober.  Today.

Short and sweet

Not a day goes by that I do not find something to be grateful for in my life.  It does not matter how bad things "feel" I know they can get worse, so rather than dwell on that I look for things to smile about.  I may not always smile smile on the outside but I feel a little lighter on the inside.

Today has been one of those days and that being said I will share a short but sweet gratitude list:

1. Belief in a power great than me that is taking care of me even as I type.

2. SOBRIETY

3. A family that loves me and I love back

4. BABIES ~ just looking at the pictures of the little ones we have running around fills my heart with joy.

5. Plants that hug bird feeders.  Just because.

See, simple.  I could and perhaps should go all out with a big list as a reminder to myself just how many things I have going on in my life that are positive.  It is important sometimes for me to take an inventory of all the good stuff.  One of the things I fear is that I will allow my negative thinking creep in for the take over again. 

Life is good.  Today

This is a picture of my "garden".  At the start of the summer it was dirt and leaves.  I cleaned it up and planted some seeds, a hodgepodge wildflower mix.  I had no idea what if anything would grow.  All summer long I watered and weeded, sometimes I am sure pulling out some of the flowers as well as the weeds. It made me happy to hunker down in the heat and tend to my little garden.  

 Little by slow things began to grow.  Finally some flowers.  And a random tomato plan.  The garden is not organized or lush and that is ok.  It works for me.  Many of the seeds did not grow.  That's ok too.  What is there makes me happy.

My sobriety is a lot like that garden.  When I first got sober I was all dirt and leaves.  I came in the halls of AA and cleaned up a bit.  A hodgepodge of ideas were presented to me.  Some grew and blossomed.  I still have to tend to me, watch out for the weeds and sometimes some good ideas get tossed because I don't recognize them as such.  And occasionally a random tomato plant grows.  And I am happy.  Not perfect, not landscaped but blooming. 

This past weekend I had to go to a wake for a special guy who never got to the point I am at today.  It broke my heart.  I made my plans to go and not until the day of did I realize that "oh shit" there were going to be people at this wake that do not like me.  They knew me when and don't know me now.  I had a little bit of anxiety.  Then I took a look at me, everything I have done to bloom and I was ok.  It was and is ok that they don't like me.  I did not give them much to like.  I am also not that pile of dirt today and I know that.  I neither needed or wanted their approval, it was not why I was going to the wake.  I was going because it was the right thing to do for me and my friend.  The right things were important.  The right seeds have been planted and grown in me. 

The fact that this is still itching me  a bit shows that some weeding needs to be done though.  I am hopeful that by putting it to words the last of the anxiety will leave.  I am fairly certain that some new seeds have been planted via this experience.  Like the ones for my garden I am not real sure what they are at the moment but I am going to tend to them and see what blooms.