Amazing Amends

I have mentioned before my struggle with step 9. The who, the how, the when. I have surgery coming up on Wednesday. Pretty basic nothing to worry about I should be fine .... but there is always the "risk"........ So, if, God forbid, something does happen ...... I want my side of the street clean. Not so much thinking that if I stand before the God of my understanding I can say "see what a good doobie I am" ... but more because of that line in the promises.. " I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".
I will always regret the past if I don't try and do something about it. No, can't go back and change it, or fix up the screw ups. Done is done. But I can own it, and apologize for my bad behavior and judgement. Having done that, I no longer have to regret it.
Today I did, what for me, my most important amends. I talked with my 19yr old daughter. And she amazed me. She gave me the unmerited gift of forgiveness and understanding in a way beyond her years. She opened the door a bit to let me see into her life. It is still going to take a while before I am allowed all the way in, but I can't begin to tell you how full I feel right now with just the bit. I was not sure I would ever get that. The person I was did not deserve it, and how could I expect her to trust that I was worth having in her real life now.
We talked and talked, and listened and listened. She is such a smart person. Something she understood way more that I would have ever expected. People go to school for years and don't have the insight into this disease that this young women does. She is learning to accept that it is a disease, that it controlled my actions to the point that I would choose the booze over her and her father. She is trying to understand that although the disease controlled me, I am still responsible for what I did. This is all pretty weighty stuff for me at age 40, she is getting it a lot better and with more wisdom at age 19!!
So today, some burdens were lifted, for both of us. In place of those burdens that have been weighing down our relationship I really do believe that the seeds of something wonderful were planted. I received so many gifts today. All of them so undeserved, and cherished from the tips of my toes to the top of my head!!

Today, my daughter said " I am proud you are my mother"

Thank you God, thank you AA.