mirmar

Willful Ways ......

So, if I am doing step 3 correct .............. then my day is in fact none of my business. By turning my will over to my Higher Power, I am giving Him the ok to call the shots for the day. I am willing to go along with what He says.
Its a good thing it says "to practice" these steps to the best of our ability!!!
When I was drinking, I was a victim of myself, and "self will run riot". If God had any ideas of how He thought my day should go, I was very quick to shut Him out. I knew best. HA!!
But how do I know that I AM doing Gods will instead of mine? It is not like He sends me a daily itinerary or fax of "things to do".
I don't think there is a clear cut way to determine it. I just don't. But I did hear last night a good yardarm to go by. If I am about to do something, and it is making me edgy or uncomfortable in ANY way .... stop. Be still. Just wait. If I am feeling serene about what I am doing, then it is ok. I am good to go!! The other thing that I have heard and read I believe in the 12 & 12 is that it really is not a smart idea on my part to think I do in fact KNOW what God's will is for me. I need to talk to people about what is going on in life, to get their take on what should or should not be done. God's will may then become clear. Maybe. Until then, I should just be still. Wait.
As usual, I heard, learned many many good things last night at the awol. I am so glad I that am able to take part in it. I feel good about it. I am constantly surprised at how much of it already feels right in my life. I know that is in large part from going to the step meeting for two years. I learned much more than I thought. I absorbed WAY more that I thought. The path that stretches out before me is a lifetime long and again, if I am doing this right it is none of my business were it leads me, I just have to be willing to follow and keep my mind and heart open to new lessons.

cotton candy ~ a food group????

As much as I would like it to be so, the good dr. told me that Cotton Candy is NOT a food group. But other than that and cut back on the caffine, I got a clean bill of health.

The Cotton Candy thing is killing me though. What started as a ~how cool I can make Cotton Candy whenever I want to, plus it is good to check out the machines ~ has become my new addiction. I can hardly walk by the damn thing without whipping up a "little" batch!! UGGGHH!! I know I have to stop. Between the CC and crunching on ice, I don't even want to know what the dentist would have to say ..

So I am thinking that insanity is still a key part of my mindset ...

That God Thing ..... Again

I am sure I will have more thoughts a pinging around when we get to step 3 with the awol, but God has His place in my thoughts now with step 2.
One of the things I really really like about AA is that I don't have to believe WHAT you believe. And nobody has to believe what or how I believe. It does seem that the majority of people, at least around the AA I go to, end up with God, and usually the Christian God. We have a few and then some CIA around here ( Catholic Irish Alcoholic ), so I think falling back into what you were brought up with is the way to go for most. Pretty much that is were I am. I still don't have a lot of faith in religion, but I do have faith in God.
Belief in a power greater than yourself, if you allow it, can really take the pressure off. I am finding more and more how nice it is to have this friend with me throughout the day and all things. I still have to remind myself, that no, I can't make it rain and there are many other things I am better of turning over. Progress not perfection.
Step 2 opens the door for a power greater than yourself to come in. I have always held a belief, very undefined, in a God, again undefined. I also figured for me to get the way I was, He did not like me to very much. That was a big one to get over. The more I think about this step, and how I got to the point I am at with it today, it really was osmosis!! Well, not all of it. I went to meetings, I went to step meetings, I listened, and in my pea brain bits and parts started to make a good kind of sense. I had to get over the "I am not worthy of Gods Love". Today I know I am. But walking through the doors of AA bruised and battered ......... I did not think it mattered HOW much I believed in a Power Greater Than Myself ... there was no way I was worthy of It's help.
Kind of like how I have no clue when I crossed the line into outright alcoholism, I don't know when I stopped believing I was not worthy. Even at my worst, I am worthy. And if I can accept that, then I can accept the help I will get from Him. Or Her ..........

Insane??? Who ~ ME????

Well, yes ME!! Step 2 Came to Believe a Power Greater Than Ourselves Can Restore Us To Sanity. Ok, but that means having to admit that I was insane if I need to be restored to sanity. I did not like that step all that much at first. Who wants to admit to being nuts AND alcoholic? One or the other please, not BOTH!!
I will admit, in the first go round I would have rather ed be insane. Then I could drink right? Not. Once I did get into the steps ... just the little baby toe on my left foot dipping in ... I really did not like the label of insane. I read what it had to say in the 12 & 12, and listened at the step meetings, and although it made sense I did not like it. I did not identify with it. I had done some stupid things, but I was not insane.
Two years straight of going to the step meetings, and regular meetings, without me even knowing it I started to resemble that step. I got the part about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results being a definition of insanity. After all, how many hundreds of times did I walk into a bar and KNOW that I was just going to have ONE drink. This time it will be different. And it never was. If for some reason I did actually limit myself to one or two drinks that day, I always made up for it the next time I drank. Insane.
Last night at the awol, we read some examples from the little red book. I found myself nodding my head FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM!! Insane?? Ya think??
Today though, I am walking around a little lighter in the soul department. Last night I really really was able to admit without reservation that yes, I WAS insane. Knowing that, accepting that, and key word being WAS ... really did bump me up a notch in my recovery. I feel better today. Admitting to the insane behaviour that was me did not buy me a stay in a padded room, it opened another door to recovery for me. The benches in this new room might be padded for safety reasons, but also for comfort.