The only requirement for AA. A desire to stop drinking. Talking with one of my AA friends a few weeks ago he made the comment that the last thing he wanted to do was stop drinking. He wanted the rest of the crap to stop. That is what his desire was.
I have thought about that comment a lot since then. 20 months into sobriety, and honestly I still don't have a desire to stop drinking. If I could drink in safety and not have all the bad stuff come back, could continue to grow in spirituality.... well I would be at the bar. More proof I am an alcoholic. It bothers me to be honest. The lure of the booze. I work very hard to stay sober, I work very hard to grow, I appreciate the gifts that sobriety has given me more than words can express. Yet the thought of being able to drink is still there. I KNOW I can NOT drink in safety. I Know that .. but the thought ... Cunning.
Smoking, I have a very real desire to stop smoking. I want the health benefits, to stop stinking, and the extra cash. I never felt this way about drinking. I do know different now about the lies I told myself regarding drinking, and am enjoying the obvious and not so obvious benefits. But I would not believe in these benefits when I was drinking. Whats more, I would not have thought myself worthy of them, or in need of them. Baffling and Cunning.
It is a powerful enemy that I fight ... one day at a time... today I win again. And someday I will be able to say I have a desire to stop drinking, and my life is second to none. I am not there yet. YET ... one of those yets I want in my life. It will happen, God's time. One day at a time.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Eskimo's
I figured I should share what an Eskimo is ...
Two men were sitting in an Alaskan bar chatting. One was a spiritual man, the other an atheist. The Atheist said to the spiritual man .. " I gave your God a chance once, and it did not work"
The spiritual man asked " In what manner did you give God a chance?"
"Well," said the atheist " A few months back I kind of lost my way outside of the village. Before I knew it I was stuck in a horrible blizzard. I was a goner for sure. So I prayed to your God for help"
"Wow" said the spiritual man " He must have answered your prayers! You are here, hale and hearty!"
"Nah" said the atheist " He didn't do nothing. Some Eskimo showed up and brought me back home!"
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My you know your own Eskimos when they find you!
Two men were sitting in an Alaskan bar chatting. One was a spiritual man, the other an atheist. The Atheist said to the spiritual man .. " I gave your God a chance once, and it did not work"
The spiritual man asked " In what manner did you give God a chance?"
"Well," said the atheist " A few months back I kind of lost my way outside of the village. Before I knew it I was stuck in a horrible blizzard. I was a goner for sure. So I prayed to your God for help"
"Wow" said the spiritual man " He must have answered your prayers! You are here, hale and hearty!"
"Nah" said the atheist " He didn't do nothing. Some Eskimo showed up and brought me back home!"
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My you know your own Eskimos when they find you!
Better and Better
Did I say July was going to slow down? Did I lie or what?
I heard a man the other night, he said that his life may not be second to none, but it was better and better, gooder and gooder. That is true for me as well.
I still have to many issues floating around to be at that second to none stage of the game, however life is still a 100% better than it would be if I was drinking or drugging. I know that with all my heart.
I have been getting back to meetings everyday this past month. I slacked off for a little while and was doing more of the online meetings. And though I am very grateful to have the online option, I get more out of the f2f meetings. Not that they are without stress! One of the facts that I had to accept early on is that regardless of the lofty purpose of AA, and the perfect ideals set before us in AA ... it is still a group of people above all else. And some of them are great, and some not so great.
One of my Eskimos put it in perspective for me the other day. I am hoping that I can hold on to these wise words. "Did you ask a power greater than yourself for help today in staying away from a drink or a drug" Yes " Ok then, that bozo up at the podium is who was sent!" Allrighty then ....
I will try to remember that. Not saying it will be easy, there are countless times when someone is up there and the msg is more preachy than sharing. And that will drive me nuts. But I will try to listen, and if I don't like what I hear, then I wil try to pray for the person and those in the room that they are not pushed away from AA.
I don't think I will ever be "old school" AA. Or maybe I am too old school! One of the many many gifts of AA, in my opinion, is that we are all unique just like everyone else!! Everyone can work their own program in a way that works for them. My program is not for you to judge any more than I should judge yours. Mine works for me, let yours work for you. And that IS how it seems to work. Thank God!
For me, the really important thing is to keep on keeping it in the today. I just have to make it through the right now of the day. Sometimes the right now will last longer than others, but as long as I don't pick up a drink. Just ONE drink .. for ONE minute .. then I can make it through. And if I really want to be smart about it, when I am having a hard time I will let someone know. Sometimes it might just be a mood, come and go just like that. Sometimes there might be a reason ... H.A.L.T (hungry, angry,lonely,tired) Those times I really need to share so I can work through it, and decrease the chance of it happening again.
I heard a man the other night, he said that his life may not be second to none, but it was better and better, gooder and gooder. That is true for me as well.
I still have to many issues floating around to be at that second to none stage of the game, however life is still a 100% better than it would be if I was drinking or drugging. I know that with all my heart.
I have been getting back to meetings everyday this past month. I slacked off for a little while and was doing more of the online meetings. And though I am very grateful to have the online option, I get more out of the f2f meetings. Not that they are without stress! One of the facts that I had to accept early on is that regardless of the lofty purpose of AA, and the perfect ideals set before us in AA ... it is still a group of people above all else. And some of them are great, and some not so great.
One of my Eskimos put it in perspective for me the other day. I am hoping that I can hold on to these wise words. "Did you ask a power greater than yourself for help today in staying away from a drink or a drug" Yes " Ok then, that bozo up at the podium is who was sent!" Allrighty then ....
I will try to remember that. Not saying it will be easy, there are countless times when someone is up there and the msg is more preachy than sharing. And that will drive me nuts. But I will try to listen, and if I don't like what I hear, then I wil try to pray for the person and those in the room that they are not pushed away from AA.
I don't think I will ever be "old school" AA. Or maybe I am too old school! One of the many many gifts of AA, in my opinion, is that we are all unique just like everyone else!! Everyone can work their own program in a way that works for them. My program is not for you to judge any more than I should judge yours. Mine works for me, let yours work for you. And that IS how it seems to work. Thank God!
For me, the really important thing is to keep on keeping it in the today. I just have to make it through the right now of the day. Sometimes the right now will last longer than others, but as long as I don't pick up a drink. Just ONE drink .. for ONE minute .. then I can make it through. And if I really want to be smart about it, when I am having a hard time I will let someone know. Sometimes it might just be a mood, come and go just like that. Sometimes there might be a reason ... H.A.L.T (hungry, angry,lonely,tired) Those times I really need to share so I can work through it, and decrease the chance of it happening again.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
It has been a very very busy month. My daughter graduated from high school. Amazing. I do not have the words for just how proud of her I am. The extra zing for me is that I quit a few months before I should have graduated. I was never able to do any of those high school things like dances, proms, graduate. At that point in my life it was not because of my drinking. I really did not drink all that much in school. It was those inside feelings that kept me looking on the outside. So again, I am so thrilled that was not something that I passed on to her. And she certainly had some hurdles growing up. Her mother was a drunk. Can't say I was to good about milk and cookies and how was your day chats. But I wasn't hurting anyone ... yah right. So she just amazes me. She is a great kid and I love and respect her very much. And little by slow I am getting her respect back.
July I hope will be a little less crazy and I will be a little better about writing. It is good for me to write.
July I hope will be a little less crazy and I will be a little better about writing. It is good for me to write.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Gifts
Gifts of sobriety are numerous and wonderful. Tonight was one of those gifts. The town I live in has a celebration every year. And even when I was a little kid I always looked forward to it. As I got older, it became another reason to drink. Last year I wondered how it would be sober. I still loved it. This year, I had family visiting .. My sister, her daughter, and my great niece and nephew. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was to play with those babies and know that I was not a danger to them, or that I would stink out my sister with my beer breath. And the icing on the cake for me, was holding my 11 month old nephew in the glider as we watched the fireworks light up the sky. Amazing.
I have my higher power to thank for my sobriety, and AA to thank for teaching me, so that when these gifts show up in my life, I am not just there for it, but aware of it.
I have my higher power to thank for my sobriety, and AA to thank for teaching me, so that when these gifts show up in my life, I am not just there for it, but aware of it.
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