Steady Eddie

" Hi everyone, my name is Steady Eddie and I am a alcoholic, and back in the day it use to be "Jesus Eddie ... Steady.............

I can't count the number of times I heard that, or a variation of that. And now I will never hear it again. On June 7, 2008 my very dear friend Steady Eddie passed on to what I hope is a better place. If anyone deserves to rest in peace it is this man. Not that I really think he will, rest in peace that is. If he has his way, then he is gathering up all the AA angels in heaven and working his magic with them. I am sure it will take weeks and weeks for him to dispense all the hugs to those who went before him. Then he will turn his eyes downward in search of a needy soul still here on earth. And some how, some way, he will continue to touch the lives of those of us left behind.

I can't really tell you the first time I met Eddie. Just seems like all of the sudden he was a part of my life. A part that had always been there. And perhaps he was always there for me, it just took me a while to find him. But find him I did. I joined the throngs of women who loved to dance with this man. 80 something years old, and he would dance us under the table. And he loved it. The Eddie smile would be on his face, and if you did not smile in return, well I am not sure what your problem is. I always had to smile back.

That first dance with him I was still pretty new to AA and being sober ~ for real. Smiling, dancing, none of that was really on my list of things to do. But he got me. Next thing I know, every Sunday when I went to the meeting, there he was standing up to get, and give a great big hug. I was being the gift of unconditional love. Thankfully it did not take me long to know this, and cherish it. Little by slow I got to know this kind hearted man. And he knew EVERYONE! Why then was he taking the time to know me? I don't have a "this is why" answer to that. Its just Eddy. His love and his friendship allowed me to begin my walk into the living. I thought my life was over when I stopped drinking, and here is the 80 something old man jumping out of airplanes, dancing the night away, and all the while calling to me .. Kris.. come on and join us.

Eddy literally "got me going". He got me to the Christmas Party, New Years Party, Retreat, Plays, Area Dances ........... The man had tickets for EVERYTHING AA in New England. And because it was Eddy asking, how could I say no? I can't tell you how much I needed to be at these things that first year. I did not know how badly at the time, but on reflection I can see how much, how very very much it helped me to do these things. Eddy knew. I am not saying that he knew just for me, but he knew how to bring people into the fold of AA. He lived by example and grabbed you to join him. Before you know it, you are enjoying life .... SOBER!! Your biggest regret is not the worse thing you did drunk, but rather the time wasted when you could have been living this wonderful sober life.

Eddys story is not mine to tell, but I can tell you how much of a impression and impact it made on me. He struggled for many many many years trying to get sober. He went into de-tox close to two hundred times. He kept trying. He got some sobriety, but was not really "working" AA. But he was on the fringes .. and sober. Then a fellow AA'er who was also a councilor at the de-tox he went to meetings ... ever so gently took a two by four upside his head and smacked him into AA. And away he went into his new sober life. Getting degrees, awards, making friends, helping, helping, helping.

From Eddys story I learned that the past is just that .. past. I can't change it no matter what. I don't have to be chained to it either. It does not matter how many times it takes a person to get to the halls of AA, the very very most important thing is that they are here TODAY ... today is the only day of sobriety that counts. It is not my place to judge another persons sobriety, if they are at a meeting .. and that is the only meeting they go to all week ... they are at a meeting. You can be sober and still in a lot of pain, it might take a while to want to move a little closer to the middle of AA. And at some point or another ... a two by four may be needed to give a little push. And there is a HUGE difference between helping and judging .

Dance Sober!!! If you are worried about how you "look" dancing, flash back onto some of the things you did drunk ......... Yah, your fine now. Dance and enjoy every single day given to you. I saw Eddy go through some hard stuff, but he always danced.

I honestly could go on and on and on and on about how much I got from Eddy. I am truly blessed to have had his living presence in my life, and continue to be blessed with him in my heart forever. I heard at a meeting the other night, that the death of Steady Eddy was not the death of a era, but rather the birth of a legacy. I have to agree.

Eddy, I hope that you know just how much your love helped me heal. Until we meet again, I am going to keep on dancing!!

Big Shoes

The past year in the AA community I belong to, has sadly brought the death of a few AA "icons" for lack of a better description. I personally did not know any of them well, and some not at all, but that did not keep there influence from touching my life, my recovery. Currently a dear friend who has had a very marked influence on the recovery community in this area, awards and buildings named after him for example, has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He has months left at the most.
This man has truly helped millions of people. Before I even knew him he had helped me, by helping others that came before me, so that they could help me. The very simple way AA works. We all help each other to the best of our ability.
I consider myself both fortunate and blessed to have him as a part of my life. He is a loving and generous spirit. I can't tell you what his hugs do to brighten my day. I will continue to cherish each visit until the God of his understanding brings him home.
All of this has had me thinking of a few things. A real basic fact of how blessed the people of AA really are. We too have a terminal illness. This disease will kill us, no doubt about it. But it does not have to. If we work our program the way it is laid out we can keep from dying of this disease. By following the basics, pray, go to meetings, talk, be active, don't drink, ask for help. Not a single shot or hospital room and we can choose NOT to DIE of this disease. Could that others have the same options when faces with a life sentence.
The other thing stems from a conversation I had with another "long timer". She has a number of years in the program, but is herself on the young side of life. She commented that all her mentors were dying. That it was time for herself and her hubby to start picking up the slack, that they would be the "old timers". She wondered aloud at how she could ever fill there shoes. The answer was quick. You can't. Not a one of us can hope to accomplish the same things that these people have. It just can't be done. Their shoes cannot be filled. However, because of their influence on this up and coming "old timer" .... New shoes are created, new paths are made. There is no saying if it will be better or worse, that is not the goal. It will be different. That too is how this program works. At the very core it stays the same, but the people in it change and adapt. Find new words or ways to express their own history so that others can learn from them. And the cycle will continue. It does not start again, it continues. This women learned from those before her, I learn from her, and down the line others may learn from me and continue to pass it on .......

Up Up and ....

Not gonna let it take me away!! My new store opened this week, and I have been bushwhacked every single night. So I have a pretty good reason to stay home and not go to meetings right? Nope, nope, nope!!

Wednesday night, my step meeting. I used to love going to that meeting, but have not been as into it the past six months or so. I stopped going for a bit, and added another open meeting. But I knew something was missing, felt it. So when they started back on Step One to cycle through again I committed in my head to going back. I have already missed a couple and we are on Step Six. I missed last Wednesday .... no good reason other than I was tired and didn't want to go. That type of thinking is so very bad for me. This week I was on that same playing field. I also had the added "excuse" of how tired I was from opening the new place. I really did not want to go.

I live in complete fear of that first drink. Even two years away from the last drink. I have had enough days, both good and bad, were the thought of a drink still passes through my head. It does not shake me up the way it use to, I have accepted the fact that I am a alcoholic and these thoughts will plague me my entire life. I know this because I go to meetings and people have spoken of it. And today, I know that I am no different from them. I also know that the meeting I will really regret going to will be the one I did not go to at all.

My friend G speaks of a slip she had when she was five or six years sober. She went to lots of meetings and was pretty active. Then one day she did not go to her meeting. And she figured a nice glass of wine would be oh so tasty .... Took her another five years to get back. There is no knowing for sure, but there is a good chance that if she went to her meeting that day, she would not have had that glass of wine.

I have enough regrets on my hands, I don't want to add anymore. I don't want to drink. So I went to the meetings. And I did not regret one single minute of it. Because of the new store I will be missing my Sunday morning meeting. Tonight I will go to a different one. This meeting is actually were I got what I hope is my last 24 hour chip. I like to start my week off with a meeting, and how great it is that I can start this new chapter in my life in the place that in fact started a whole new book .........

Bar room pipe dreams no more ....

How many, many, many, MANY times did I sit at the bar and tell people how to run their lives? I always had the answers. How many, many, many times did I sit at the bar and talk about "the things I could/would" do "some day". Lots and tons and then some.

Today I don't have to pretend to have the answers for other people. And I actually wait for a question (most of the time) before I venture a response of any kind. What a wonderful gift of sobriety that is. I don't have to be in charge of anyone other than myself. That includes my eighteen year old daughter and someday to be ex husband. I am free to be just me. I can offer and give my love and support, and mean it. More importantly, I can really give it.

As for those bar room pipe dreams ......... I can make those real now. Really real!! For EVER I have dreamed of running my own business. What business that would be changed from week to week, but the dream was there. When I was drinking of course part of the motivation was how convinced I was in my arrogant way that I could "do it better". I was a legend in my own mind.

Less than a week from now that dream of running my own business will be coming true. After many hurtles (I have a HUGE resentment against building inspectors at the moment....) ... I will be opening the doors to MY place. Really real. I am still kind of in a state of disbelief to be honest. Once I have the keys in hand and product in stock ... make that first sale ... it MIGHT all start to feel really real. In the tween time, I am getting ready.

Not just trying .. but doing. I am not so concerned about "doing it better than". I do of course want to do it better than the competition, be kind of silly if I didn't! But the arrogance of drunken me is gone. I will be asking for help and advise, and listening. I will implement ideas, some will work, some will not. And that is ok. God is giving me a shot. And if this is not what I was meant to do with my life, not going to be my success story, that is ok too. Instead of just talking about it, I am doing. Such a big improvement that I have already succeeded more than I ever would have sitting in a bar.

Howard Be Thy Name....

So many people get turned off in AA because of the Higher Power / God part. That really is such a sad thing. AA is not about God, even if there is more than a few mentions of God. It is about believing that YOU are NOT God. That is really all you need to know. How, or what you choose in your life to be a Power Greater that YOURSELF ... is completely up to you. How you express your belief is entirely up to you. Yes, there are people who will put pressure on you to believe WHAT they believe ... but that is not a part of AA. "We are not allied with any sect or denomination" That is a AA fact.
I talked with someone today .. thus my little rant ... who just does not have any room for God in her life at the moment. I say moment not because I plan to convert her, but to leave it open. She has to leave before the Our Father. She has her reasons. Ok. I asked her to look around us right now. Huge trees, sun, snow covered ground .... could she do that?? No. Can you look around and see some of the beauty of it ... yes. Can you get some peace from that? She is going to work on that.
Prayer ... another issue. Meditation ... same page of issues. So how about making a wish? Start each day just making a wish. Wish for sobriety. Light a candle and blow it out ... make a wish. No God involved. Going to work on that as well.
And last, what I had to do for a bit in the beginning, when I was not ready for God. During the Our Father ... Howard Be Thy Name. I could deal with Howard. For me I knew there was a God .. for ME .. but I was not ready for Him. I could deal with Howard.
Whatever works .... that is the right way to do it. And it is whatever works for YOU. What works for me might not work for you. And vs verse. As long as you are working it, then you have a chance of it working for you.