Self Esteem

Tonight one of the speakers said a number of things I could identify with.

The one that really hit me was the many many times he would go to bed/ pass out, asking God to take his life. I was there. For many reasons, my nephew committing suicide, and my daughter being two big ones, I knew I would not attempt to take my own life. But I would pray that God would just "take me". I don't know how many times I prayed that.

The guy tonight said about 6 months into sobriety he was thinking of those days, and it came to him that God DID in fact take his life. Took it and gave him a new one. Completely blew my mind. Wow. Yup. Thank You God!!!!

It was just what I needed to hear tonight. I had been gazing at the pity pot most of the day. One of the houses I had to clean today was a former classmate. Just not a good feeling. Felt like I had a big L stamped on my head. Happy for her that things are going well, she was always a good person way back when. But still felt crummy that "my life today" is living with my parents and cleaning houses.

Once we left that house and went on to the next, I was able to put most of it in perspective. Honest days pay, honest days work, and I am really grateful to HAVE a job right now, and the blessing of living at home are many.

Hearing this guy talk though, really put the brakes on the self pity. God has given me a new life. He was that good to me. He gave me a second chance. It may never be in the cards for me to have a big house w/ a cleaning service. Thats ok. I HAVE so much. And I continue to receive so many gifts in sobriety. Like that guy tonight. And all the people I have in my life today because of AA.

Thank You God!!

Some Are Sicker Than Others

~~ And I am pretty sick!!!



Those of you that know me, know that is a fact. But you love me anyways ;) God bless you for that.



Today though, the sick is a cold of the New England Winter variety. The sick part of it is that while being slightly whiny about being sick, I am also ... grateful. What? Yes, grateful.



My head is stuffed up, my eyes feel like they want to pop out, my stomach is queasy, and I have no motivation to do anything. What does that sound like? Like my old life on a daily basis with the self inflicted misery of alcohol abuse. And I called that fun. I would wake up like that every morning. Swear it would be the last time. Then that afternoon .... well hell, it was not THAT bad. And off I would go, to do it all over again.

Today I have freedom from that old life.

~ I started writing this post on Sunday, today is Tuesday, and already I feel SOOOO much better. By the end of the week I should be at least 95% better. Having this cold did serve as a reminder of all those little day to day gifts I have in my life now that I am sober. Didn't stop me from being a little bit whiny, I don't do sick well. Baby.

Yet same as with sobriety, if I don't want to get sick again there are things I have to do. And just as important, things I should not do if I want to continue to be better. Sobriety, AA, the 12 steps has given me back a few brain cells to keep me on track with my health over all. To the best of my ability at any rate. So today will be another day of trying to relax and take it easy. Drink lots of water and stay warm. The world will continue to spin if I take a nap this afternoon.

Dance With God

(click on image to enlarge)

Thank you my lovely friend for sharing this poem with me (us). I did do a google search in hopes of being able to give the author credit, I could find the poem, but not the author. So who ever you are, Thank YOU too for these inspiring words.

Gifts

Let them eat cake!!! Cookies and brownies too!!!

Tonight one of the guys brought in amazing fantastic awesome brownies. I was lucky enough to be one of the people he shared with. ( Yes, I whined a bit..) So there we were, stuffing our faces and rolling our eyes enjoying our brownies when Bill W. pipes up with, " Do you think to be grateful for something like this? Think about it, if you were drinking, would you have even tried this brownie?" Nope. I use to think I did not like sweets, once I got sober I discovered that it was beer and cake that did not mix, not me and cake. Cake and I get along a little to well in sobriety ... lol

But Bill was so right, what a gift, on so many levels. The fact that I DO like these things, and WILL try them, and enjoy them ever so much (Dave, thanks again for the brownies you are my hero) That this is my life now, being able to sit with some awesome people and enjoy brownies for no reason. That I have these awesome people in my life.

There are times throughout my day that the gifts of sobriety are obvious to me, eating a brownie was not really on the list, until today. A very good reminder for me too how important ALL these gifts are. How good, how much better these gifts are, when I take the time to see them. I get to enjoy them twice as much :)

So, Thank You God, for clean socks, awesome brownies, and the most wonderful people on earth.

The Promises

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

(Alcoholics Anonymous, the Big Book)

Last night my AWOL group went over steps 8 & 9. Complete with reading from the Big Book, and reading the promises. I actually got a glimmer of WHY the promises are not until this step. A few weeks ago someone from the podium mentioned that the promises do not happen until after step 9. Being me, I got a resentment. That person was wrong, the promises are coming true in my life right now. Big Book thumper ...

The fact of the matter is, they ARE and HAVE been coming true in my life since the first day I really put myself in AA. But last night, after going over 8 & 9, reading from the Big Book, and talking about the steps, I understood more about the how's and whys of those promises and there fulfilment in my life. And why it is not until the completion of step 9 that they really come true.

One line that sticks out, was my light bulb turning on, is "Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us". I could never really figure that line out before. How could the fear of not having enough money leave me? I am always going to worry about money. And there were always be people that scare me a little..... there will always be something!!! After reading, and talking last night, I get it. Or at least I get it for me. If I am painstaking in the working of these steps, 8 & 9 in particular, I will have really cleared my side of the street. I will have made my amends to the people that I have "wronged", I will be doing the best I can to make restitution for owed money. I won't have to fear the phone, the mail, or running into people from my past.

Then, as I continue on my journey in sobriety, and continue to work the steps, I should not be putting myself in situations that piss people off. Thinking about that today, the past three years, I have not really done stuff to piss people off. Can't count my ex, he was pissed to begin with!!

The past three years has been about showing up to a step meeting, getting what I could out of it, trying to apply as much as I could in my life. Because it is a program of progress and not perfection, I have made progress. Doing this AWOL, I have made bigger progress. And when the AWOL is done, I will go back to my step meeting with a much better understanding of what I need to be doing on a daily basis to continue making progress. Pretty nice.