Around the bend ..

When I wrote about my anniversary, I stated "I can't wait to see what year 7 has in store for me"  Well, I am at a bend in the road right now.  In a weeks time I will wrap up nine months of full time work at a detox and head back to the half way house I did my practicum at.  In my kinda sorta thoughts I had hoped to end up back in a half way house but kinda sorta thought it would be in another year or two.  Well, looks like it is now.  I am filled with all the fear, doubt and insecurity that I am afraid will plague every big move in my life.  I am also filled with hope, excitement and energy to start another new adventure in sobriety. 

 So far nothing has been exactly like what I thought it would be.  Which I suppose is just how it suppose to be!!  At two years sober I was terrified to leave the comfort of the locksmith and open a party rental store.  I was encouraged and supported to do it anyways.  I worked my ass off for it to prove that the faith put in me was justified.  I don't know that the people that put the money up feel I came through for them, but I know in my heart that worked it to the best of my ability and had some success.  I also learned straight up that it is far easier to sit at a bar and talk about being the boss than it is to be one!!  I learned so much in that period of living though.  Honestly, I learned how to live. Come out of my shell and try some things I had talked about.  I went to school.  Just one class, it was all I could afford both financially and emotionally if I am really honest about it.  I learned that I could go to school.  God doing His God thing, because next thing I knew the store was gone and I was off for more school to become a drug and alcohol counselor.  I was not ready to do that at year two of sobriety, I needed to go through the growth that the store gave me.

Now, living year six.  Nine months in a detox, the start of recovery for but a chosen few, even though I have met hundreds.  I needed to be there to learn more.  More about myself and what I am capable.  In school and in the fellowship I have met many people who worked detoxes and they all talked about how frustrating it is, the emotional tole it takes on you to see the same people in and out, in and out.  Perhaps it is because I was not there long enough but I don't feel that way.  As much as I would a thousand times rather see a client at a meeting, it made my heart happy to see them back.  If they come back then they still seek hope and help.  I can still try.

This next bend in the road ~ I don't know what is on that other side.  I know that I have learned a lot about recovery, relapse and addiction.  I have a new appreciation for people who keep trying and make it as far as a half way house.  It may be born in desperation but it still takes courage.  My hope is that I will be able to pass some of this on to them so they remain hopeful and grow in their own recovery.  I know that is what I will try.

A day at a time, so many many many gifts.

And .... DONE!!

Even in weakness there is strength. 

As much of a struggle it was at times this year to stay positive throughout the holidays I did.  Perhaps not in a grand manner like the tree that pulled up the boulder ~ yet the picture for me symbolizes so well how even when you are down you can be strong. 

I am feeling as though I have crossed the line back into the "safe" zone now that the holidays are a done deal.  The stress is ebbing from my body and my head is not in a million and one places trying to keep track of all I have left to do. 

For the most part anyways!  I have a major decision I have to make in the next day or so and like a typical alkie I have twisted and turned, flattened and stretched out all the possible scenarios trying to make it fit into what I WANT vs. what I NEED.  ~ sigh~   More will be reveled ... I hope!!

I am grateful I have made it through "the deadly triangle" once again, managed to have some good fun despite the self induced stress and best of all have an entire year before I have to start it up again!!

HAPPY SOBER 2012!!

One to go....

At last nights meeting the speaker called it "the deadly triangle"  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years"  So true so true so true. 

I have another one under my belt, and Saturday night will be spent in celebration of friends from my home group getting married.  I know I really won't breath all the way easy though until it is all a done deal.  Down the road in my sobriety I hope the holidays get a bit easier.  Right now they are so filled with self induced stress that makes me more than a little scared.  Then I get cranky.  Character defects surface. 

The good news, I do have a defence.  I am no longer powerless against that first drink.  Instead I can call people, go to a meeting and identify what is going on and why I could even consider a drink.  God forbid that first drink reaches my lips though.  All the gains I have made in the past six years would be gone with that first sip.  I would once again be powerless over alcohol.

I have been debating going to a meeting tonight.  I went to one this afternoon, I went last night..  And it is apparent that I need to go to one tonight regardless of the fact that I still have laundry to put away and cleaning to do. 

Pick up the tools, use them.  THAT is what needs to be done on a daily basis.

Not at a Bar

Thanksgiving Eve.  Home.  Not at a bar.  The house is scented with nutmeg, squash, chocolate and onions.  Yep, onions.  The table is set, what can be cooked it cooked or cooking.  No chaos.  Calm.  Not at a bar.  Tomorrow will bring a little chaos, family.  Those last minute details.  Baby smiles.  Hugs.  Meetings.  More hugs.  A celebration of the joy of sobriety.  Honest emotions missing those that are no longer here.  Real emotions.  Not at a bar.  The day will end with over full belly.  Sleep.  Peace.  Not at a bar

Made it!

Well I made it to my six year mark and a day at a time I can't wait to see what year seven is going to bring!!  I know it will be a mix of good and bad, that is life on life's terms after all.  Moments of pure joy and gratitude as well as moments were I questions everything I believe and work for. 

Today I have choices though about how I will deal with things.  Even how I anticipate them.  I can wake up each morning and let the negative thoughts call the shots "oh the weather is bad, I have so much work to do, I have such a long day at work,  ............"  I could give you a full list of all the negative thoughts and fears but choose not to stir the nest so to speak.  I try really hard to stay out of that neighborhood in my head.  To much like Hotel California!! 

Instead I try each day to reach for the good stuff.  Through work and persistence the past few years doing that has paid off.  I really do find a simple joy in each day.  Bright red berry's that stand out in a gloomy day.  It is not a million dollars but it is still pretty nifty.  An unexpected text or phone call from someone I love.  My mom laughing when I come home at night "Hi  home I'm Honey" (I don't know why that tickles her but it does!! ) My dad talking about the meeting he went to or golf game he played.  Pictures of the wonderful amazing babies. 

As my friend Peter says, "Today is a Good Day"