2013 and ............

I came back to my blog to get the address and was surprised and a little disappointed  in myself that it had been a full year since I have posted.  Life has changed.

It is a few days before I get to claim eight full years of recovery.  This last year has been proof that I can get through things I did not know I could get through .. and no .. I did not drink.  Instead I was present and available for those around me.  And in large part because of that ... well I have been wandering this labyrinth of life .. not putting focus on me and my recovery  ... dangerous very very dangerous.

This picture is from Mirmar.  A retreat center.  I "allowed" myself to be convinced I should go to the most recent retreat.  I have not gone for YEARS ... because that is what resentment does, keeps you out of homes you love.

I went, still harboring some resentment.  Still am a bit.  However, I got a piece of what I needed.  So many things have in fact happened the past year.  So much .. and to be honest at this moment in time my heart is still to heavy, to sad and angry to share at length.  Many losses ... death of friends and family. Dreams dashed.  Relationships changed or lost.  Lots.

With each even or situation I did what I have been taught.  I went to meetings.  At the meetings I was told to suit up, show up, shut up.  I did that.  This stuff was not about me.  And it was the right thing to do.

What I did not do?  Talk about me, how I was feeling or dealing.  Everything is ok .. doing good .. nod head .. yup yup .. all good Thanks for offering .. no no .. all set....  No problems.

After all .. I am a counselor so I know how to process all this stuff right?  Plus I have to be strong and available for others right?

Very dangerous place to be, believing in your own press.

I needed this weekend to remind me of that.  I still have a long way to go before I hear the "POP" of my head coming out of my ass again ... but I think I have at the very least .. found a more productive path through the labyrinth!

Seven

Seven years and a day a go I had what I hope is my last drink.  I had at long last a desire to stop drinking.  For months leading up to the final drink I wandered in and out of the halls of AA.  Sometimes drunk sometimes hungover and sometimes with a couple of 24 hours under my belt.  Reflecting on that awful period  of my life though I can't say I had a "desire to stop drinking".  I had a desire for the pain to go, the trouble to go, for things to get better.  But through it all I wanted to drink more than I wanted to be sober.

Fear.  I was afraid.  I knew that my life would change if I stopped drinking.  I did not think I would HAVE a life if I stopped.  The brief period of sobriety I had had shown me I could not go to bars (were all my friends were at) and not drink.  I did not know how to do anything without drinking.

Seven years ago I woke up in my parents house with the intention of trying this sobriety thing one more time. I had gone to them earlier in the week and asked if I could stay with them for a few weeks to get "stable" in sobriety.  Little did I know I would be waking up in their house seven years later.  The deal was simple, if it did not work out then I would go to some other type of treatment.  Never mind fear, that was jumping out of a plane without a parachute type terror in my book.  The thing is though, I WANTED to get sober this time. I WANTED to stop drinking.  I WANTED to change.  Just as important, I was WILLING.

I have said before in the blog that if I knew what lay ahead of me in those early days of  recovery I would have drank.  The road has not always been easy.  At times it has felt like one big uphill journey. Life on life's terms.  Yet one day at a time I managed to get through it all.  Good and bad.  And I managed to grow with each experience.

This new life keeps changing on me.  Day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year.  I keep changing.  I have not stopped doing the work  I need to do in order to remain sober.  I still have that DESIRE.  I still stick to the basics, ask for help, go to meetings, be involved, work the steps, pray and don't drink.  I am still far from perfect.  Perfection stunts your growth.

It has been months and months since I have posted.  Life got busy.  New job, new hours, new routine.  Change.  I spend a lot of time writing about other people at work and when I get home my brain generally is feeling a tad muddled.  I love what I do for work though.  I can't get them drunk or sober but I can plant seeds.  A mix of what I have learned though the amazing people in AA and school.  It is up to them what path they follow.  For a short time I get to be a part of their journey and I am grateful for that opportunity.

So what changes will year seven bring?  I don't know for sure other than there will be some.  My daughter is going to be adventuring for six months and I won't be able to lay eyes on her in real life.  That is going to be a biggie.  I am her mom, and I will worry.  I will also be happy for her that she has the ability to go out in the world and chase her dreams.  AA taught me that.  As for the rest of the changes ... AA taught me that it is none of my business.  My job is to keep trying to do the next right thing and stay sober doing it.  So that is what I will do.

Around the bend ..

When I wrote about my anniversary, I stated "I can't wait to see what year 7 has in store for me"  Well, I am at a bend in the road right now.  In a weeks time I will wrap up nine months of full time work at a detox and head back to the half way house I did my practicum at.  In my kinda sorta thoughts I had hoped to end up back in a half way house but kinda sorta thought it would be in another year or two.  Well, looks like it is now.  I am filled with all the fear, doubt and insecurity that I am afraid will plague every big move in my life.  I am also filled with hope, excitement and energy to start another new adventure in sobriety. 

 So far nothing has been exactly like what I thought it would be.  Which I suppose is just how it suppose to be!!  At two years sober I was terrified to leave the comfort of the locksmith and open a party rental store.  I was encouraged and supported to do it anyways.  I worked my ass off for it to prove that the faith put in me was justified.  I don't know that the people that put the money up feel I came through for them, but I know in my heart that worked it to the best of my ability and had some success.  I also learned straight up that it is far easier to sit at a bar and talk about being the boss than it is to be one!!  I learned so much in that period of living though.  Honestly, I learned how to live. Come out of my shell and try some things I had talked about.  I went to school.  Just one class, it was all I could afford both financially and emotionally if I am really honest about it.  I learned that I could go to school.  God doing His God thing, because next thing I knew the store was gone and I was off for more school to become a drug and alcohol counselor.  I was not ready to do that at year two of sobriety, I needed to go through the growth that the store gave me.

Now, living year six.  Nine months in a detox, the start of recovery for but a chosen few, even though I have met hundreds.  I needed to be there to learn more.  More about myself and what I am capable.  In school and in the fellowship I have met many people who worked detoxes and they all talked about how frustrating it is, the emotional tole it takes on you to see the same people in and out, in and out.  Perhaps it is because I was not there long enough but I don't feel that way.  As much as I would a thousand times rather see a client at a meeting, it made my heart happy to see them back.  If they come back then they still seek hope and help.  I can still try.

This next bend in the road ~ I don't know what is on that other side.  I know that I have learned a lot about recovery, relapse and addiction.  I have a new appreciation for people who keep trying and make it as far as a half way house.  It may be born in desperation but it still takes courage.  My hope is that I will be able to pass some of this on to them so they remain hopeful and grow in their own recovery.  I know that is what I will try.

A day at a time, so many many many gifts.

And .... DONE!!

Even in weakness there is strength. 

As much of a struggle it was at times this year to stay positive throughout the holidays I did.  Perhaps not in a grand manner like the tree that pulled up the boulder ~ yet the picture for me symbolizes so well how even when you are down you can be strong. 

I am feeling as though I have crossed the line back into the "safe" zone now that the holidays are a done deal.  The stress is ebbing from my body and my head is not in a million and one places trying to keep track of all I have left to do. 

For the most part anyways!  I have a major decision I have to make in the next day or so and like a typical alkie I have twisted and turned, flattened and stretched out all the possible scenarios trying to make it fit into what I WANT vs. what I NEED.  ~ sigh~   More will be reveled ... I hope!!

I am grateful I have made it through "the deadly triangle" once again, managed to have some good fun despite the self induced stress and best of all have an entire year before I have to start it up again!!

HAPPY SOBER 2012!!

One to go....

At last nights meeting the speaker called it "the deadly triangle"  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years"  So true so true so true. 

I have another one under my belt, and Saturday night will be spent in celebration of friends from my home group getting married.  I know I really won't breath all the way easy though until it is all a done deal.  Down the road in my sobriety I hope the holidays get a bit easier.  Right now they are so filled with self induced stress that makes me more than a little scared.  Then I get cranky.  Character defects surface. 

The good news, I do have a defence.  I am no longer powerless against that first drink.  Instead I can call people, go to a meeting and identify what is going on and why I could even consider a drink.  God forbid that first drink reaches my lips though.  All the gains I have made in the past six years would be gone with that first sip.  I would once again be powerless over alcohol.

I have been debating going to a meeting tonight.  I went to one this afternoon, I went last night..  And it is apparent that I need to go to one tonight regardless of the fact that I still have laundry to put away and cleaning to do. 

Pick up the tools, use them.  THAT is what needs to be done on a daily basis.