Seven

Seven years and a day a go I had what I hope is my last drink.  I had at long last a desire to stop drinking.  For months leading up to the final drink I wandered in and out of the halls of AA.  Sometimes drunk sometimes hungover and sometimes with a couple of 24 hours under my belt.  Reflecting on that awful period  of my life though I can't say I had a "desire to stop drinking".  I had a desire for the pain to go, the trouble to go, for things to get better.  But through it all I wanted to drink more than I wanted to be sober.

Fear.  I was afraid.  I knew that my life would change if I stopped drinking.  I did not think I would HAVE a life if I stopped.  The brief period of sobriety I had had shown me I could not go to bars (were all my friends were at) and not drink.  I did not know how to do anything without drinking.

Seven years ago I woke up in my parents house with the intention of trying this sobriety thing one more time. I had gone to them earlier in the week and asked if I could stay with them for a few weeks to get "stable" in sobriety.  Little did I know I would be waking up in their house seven years later.  The deal was simple, if it did not work out then I would go to some other type of treatment.  Never mind fear, that was jumping out of a plane without a parachute type terror in my book.  The thing is though, I WANTED to get sober this time. I WANTED to stop drinking.  I WANTED to change.  Just as important, I was WILLING.

I have said before in the blog that if I knew what lay ahead of me in those early days of  recovery I would have drank.  The road has not always been easy.  At times it has felt like one big uphill journey. Life on life's terms.  Yet one day at a time I managed to get through it all.  Good and bad.  And I managed to grow with each experience.

This new life keeps changing on me.  Day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year.  I keep changing.  I have not stopped doing the work  I need to do in order to remain sober.  I still have that DESIRE.  I still stick to the basics, ask for help, go to meetings, be involved, work the steps, pray and don't drink.  I am still far from perfect.  Perfection stunts your growth.

It has been months and months since I have posted.  Life got busy.  New job, new hours, new routine.  Change.  I spend a lot of time writing about other people at work and when I get home my brain generally is feeling a tad muddled.  I love what I do for work though.  I can't get them drunk or sober but I can plant seeds.  A mix of what I have learned though the amazing people in AA and school.  It is up to them what path they follow.  For a short time I get to be a part of their journey and I am grateful for that opportunity.

So what changes will year seven bring?  I don't know for sure other than there will be some.  My daughter is going to be adventuring for six months and I won't be able to lay eyes on her in real life.  That is going to be a biggie.  I am her mom, and I will worry.  I will also be happy for her that she has the ability to go out in the world and chase her dreams.  AA taught me that.  As for the rest of the changes ... AA taught me that it is none of my business.  My job is to keep trying to do the next right thing and stay sober doing it.  So that is what I will do.