Before my drinking took off my favorite thing to do was read. Stories ..romance, mysteries, crime, horror. Little to no brain feed, but enjoyable to me read. Somewhere along the line I was introduced to Robert Fulghum. I loved him. His stories and life observations both made me laugh and made me think.
The previous post that references his elephant ride always stuck with me. When I began my trip down sobriety lane it came to mind again. Elephants and Drunks ...kind of like peanut butter and jelly ..
The symbolism of drunks & elephants may be what brought it to mind, but I needed it to stay for other reasons.
My climb into alcoholism was so very similar to Fulghums description of climbing onto the elephant. A shaky ladder leading to a shaky platform. I don't believe the road to addiction is ever set on firm ground. Be it a defect of character or defect of life that led us to "one more, one more, one more" I can't say for sure, but I have yet to meet a person who's life when they crossed the line was on solid footing. And I know for me that my addiction and its progression was loaded with anxiety and fear. Even if I was unable to admit it at the time. Or even see it for my own sake.
Once of the elephants back, the ride of addiction. Again, filled with fear and anxiety. Never knowing if the platform is going to let loose and you will be trampled by the thousand pound elephant that is your addiction. If you have traveled my road, then you know what I am talking about. Though it was not without its thrill. Fulghum does not allude to the thrill in this passage, but I can picture it. Way high up on top of an elephant. Top of the WORLD! "Look at ME, Look at ME.... Look Mom... NO HANDS" The cheap thrill when the elephant lurches and the platform moves .. yet you are still on.. How many times did I feel like that when I was drinking? Or managed a near miss for some alcoholic misadventure?
Time for the dismount. The very profound part of the passage. The part that can assist anyone, any day. And helps this alcoholic on a daily basis.
High atop the elephants back, a shaky ladder leaning against the elephant. How do I get down? It is a LONG way down!! I am afraid. What if the ladder breaks? What if I slip! What if the elephant MOVES while I am climbing down!! Better maybe to stay right were I am.
NOTICE: INSTRUCTIONS FOR DISMOUNTING FROM ELEPHANT.
FIRST, COMPOSE YOUR MIND.
MUCH EASIER TO GET DOWN THAN UP.
Simplistic? Maybe. Addicts like me like to make things as hard as possible. The more road blocks I throw up the happier my disease is. The closer I am to picking up another drink. What I am finding is the simpler I keep my recovery, the easier it is. Ask for help, go to meetings, compose my mind. It really is much easier to get down than it was to get up.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Looking Down From The Elephant
Thank you Mr.Fulghum for allowing me to share a passage that has helped me so much in my sobriety!!
This passage is h0w my blog got its name. The why is for another blog:
Robert Fulghum “Maybe (Maybe Not)
Story referring to a trip Mr. Fulghum took to Thailand in 1984 with his wife.
He writes:
An acquaintance arranged for us to visit a forest reserve north of Chiang Mai where elephants are still used for all the heavy work of logging. We were to view the operation from elephant back. A shaky ladder was tilted against the side of an elephant. We cautiously climbed up and onto an equally shaky wooden platform strapped to the elephants back. The anxiety of getting on was matched by the anxiety of riding. We were a long way off the ground, and it felt as if we would be catapulted in that direction at any moment by the great lurching march of the beast.
When the ladder was raised again for us to get off, I noticed a small sign attached to the top step.
NOTICE: INSTRUCTIONS FOR DIMOUNTING FROM ELEPHANT.
FIRST, COMPOSE YOUR MIND.
MUCH EASIER TO GET DOWN THAN UP.
In the ensuing years, much of that trip around the world has faded from conscious memory. But indelibly written in the operating instructions for my life is that admonition from the top rung of that ladder in Thailand. The instructions continued concerning holding on with both hands and not poking the elephant. But it was that first line that spoke to me.
Even now, when I am about to make a move of consequence, small or large, a warning light flashes from the control panel in my head: “This is an elephant dismount.” And sometimes, sometimes, I actually manage to compose my mind.
Story referring to a trip Mr. Fulghum took to Thailand in 1984 with his wife.
He writes:
An acquaintance arranged for us to visit a forest reserve north of Chiang Mai where elephants are still used for all the heavy work of logging. We were to view the operation from elephant back. A shaky ladder was tilted against the side of an elephant. We cautiously climbed up and onto an equally shaky wooden platform strapped to the elephants back. The anxiety of getting on was matched by the anxiety of riding. We were a long way off the ground, and it felt as if we would be catapulted in that direction at any moment by the great lurching march of the beast.
When the ladder was raised again for us to get off, I noticed a small sign attached to the top step.
NOTICE: INSTRUCTIONS FOR DIMOUNTING FROM ELEPHANT.
FIRST, COMPOSE YOUR MIND.
MUCH EASIER TO GET DOWN THAN UP.
In the ensuing years, much of that trip around the world has faded from conscious memory. But indelibly written in the operating instructions for my life is that admonition from the top rung of that ladder in Thailand. The instructions continued concerning holding on with both hands and not poking the elephant. But it was that first line that spoke to me.
Even now, when I am about to make a move of consequence, small or large, a warning light flashes from the control panel in my head: “This is an elephant dismount.” And sometimes, sometimes, I actually manage to compose my mind.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
They Always Clap ....
So last Sat night my AA group had a commitment. (speaking engagement) I had been out to dinner with my family up the road from the meeting. I had no excuse not to go. Although I DID try and show up a little late .... I did not want to be chairperson. Well ... I was the ONLY one who showed up from my group!! I hate when that happens!! Even when it is an incoming group. I really don't like when the person feels duty bound to talk the entire meeting if they are the only ones to show. Makes for a LONG meeting .. in my opinion. I like short and sweet. I really don't need to hear about every single drink you ever had. I try and remind myself that yes, I did ask for help that morning .. and THIS is who God sent!! :) Doesn't always work ..lol
So when I was the only one to show .. and I had to chair ... I told them from the git go that they would have to help me out. I would NOT be speaking for the entire meeting. My story is boring, and I would get bored .. then babble and be done! lol One of my group members did end up showing up while I was talking, so I called him and told him to wrap it up!! He did pretty good. Brought us up to 5 minutes before the break. I asked if anyone would like to share for the last 5 minutes. Nope, no takers. Soooo... I asked if they wanted to hear a joke? lol And they did .. so I told it ... and yup, they clapped.
Such an ego boost!
So when I was the only one to show .. and I had to chair ... I told them from the git go that they would have to help me out. I would NOT be speaking for the entire meeting. My story is boring, and I would get bored .. then babble and be done! lol One of my group members did end up showing up while I was talking, so I called him and told him to wrap it up!! He did pretty good. Brought us up to 5 minutes before the break. I asked if anyone would like to share for the last 5 minutes. Nope, no takers. Soooo... I asked if they wanted to hear a joke? lol And they did .. so I told it ... and yup, they clapped.
Such an ego boost!
Friday, September 7, 2007
Intervention....t.v.......
Intervention ... I think it is on Bravo. I have not watched it all the way through ..
I watched it tonight a little more than I have in the past. And I don't see how anyone could watch it for "amusement", or "entertainment". Even before I got sober it would not have appealed to me.
Having said that ... What a powerful show it is. If you are in recovery, or if you have someone in your life that should be. Or if you are thinking YOU should be.
I saw pretty clearly tonight some of my bad behaviors. I saw how I treated my family. I saw how they did not know what they were suppose to be doing.
One sister would go out with the girl. She did not want her active sister to feel "left out". How often had my sibling included me in things that they maybe really did not want to, but did not want to hurt me further. More than once or twice ... Gets me thinking.
For now I will finish with how brave the family is to put on an intervention, and even more so on t.v.. Active drunks are not very nice.
I watched it tonight a little more than I have in the past. And I don't see how anyone could watch it for "amusement", or "entertainment". Even before I got sober it would not have appealed to me.
Having said that ... What a powerful show it is. If you are in recovery, or if you have someone in your life that should be. Or if you are thinking YOU should be.
I saw pretty clearly tonight some of my bad behaviors. I saw how I treated my family. I saw how they did not know what they were suppose to be doing.
One sister would go out with the girl. She did not want her active sister to feel "left out". How often had my sibling included me in things that they maybe really did not want to, but did not want to hurt me further. More than once or twice ... Gets me thinking.
For now I will finish with how brave the family is to put on an intervention, and even more so on t.v.. Active drunks are not very nice.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
That God Thing
The God "thing" in AA. I have already stated I have a God of MY understanding, and He and I do just fine together thank you very much. He helps me stay sober, because I can't do it by myself and He loves me just that much.
I have a few people that go to AA but have a very hard time with the God thing. They can't get past it. The literature in AA has lots of references to God. Step 2 is all about believing in a Higher Power ... called God. And when I first came into AA I DID NOT want to hear about GOD!!! When I first started going through the steps and came to step 2 I felt I had been TRICKED!!! AA IS a CULT! It IS ALL about GOD .. just READ IT!!! Hmmm ... but then again... I started listening too. It is really so much more.
They did good, the founding fathers and mothers of AA. A Higher Power. A Power Greater Than YOU. Even at my worst in life I knew that there were power(s) greater than myself. Wind? Rain? Earth,Sun .. just a few basics. All more powerful than I could ever be. When I got back into AA, and opened my heart a little bit to the possibilty of not only a power greater than myself, but one that could, and would, help me become the sober person I wanted to be. I had to ..and this is what I had to do .. name Him. And I went with God. That is what I know. I could have called this Higher Power Fred .. and that would be fine. As long as I BELIEVED that this Power could help me. As long as I trusted those who came before me in AA that if I then turned my will over to this Higher Power every morning, asked to do His will instead of mine ... I would get the gift of sobriety for that day.
And from that ... little by slow ... I also get the gift of Grace and Peace in my life. If there is no Higher Power working in my life ... then how can this be working? I already tried it on my own. I could not stay sober on my own. I DID NOT stay sober on my own. I AM sober today.
But for the Grace of a Higher Power I call GOD!
I have a few people that go to AA but have a very hard time with the God thing. They can't get past it. The literature in AA has lots of references to God. Step 2 is all about believing in a Higher Power ... called God. And when I first came into AA I DID NOT want to hear about GOD!!! When I first started going through the steps and came to step 2 I felt I had been TRICKED!!! AA IS a CULT! It IS ALL about GOD .. just READ IT!!! Hmmm ... but then again... I started listening too. It is really so much more.
They did good, the founding fathers and mothers of AA. A Higher Power. A Power Greater Than YOU. Even at my worst in life I knew that there were power(s) greater than myself. Wind? Rain? Earth,Sun .. just a few basics. All more powerful than I could ever be. When I got back into AA, and opened my heart a little bit to the possibilty of not only a power greater than myself, but one that could, and would, help me become the sober person I wanted to be. I had to ..and this is what I had to do .. name Him. And I went with God. That is what I know. I could have called this Higher Power Fred .. and that would be fine. As long as I BELIEVED that this Power could help me. As long as I trusted those who came before me in AA that if I then turned my will over to this Higher Power every morning, asked to do His will instead of mine ... I would get the gift of sobriety for that day.
And from that ... little by slow ... I also get the gift of Grace and Peace in my life. If there is no Higher Power working in my life ... then how can this be working? I already tried it on my own. I could not stay sober on my own. I DID NOT stay sober on my own. I AM sober today.
But for the Grace of a Higher Power I call GOD!
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