No Matter What ...

Don't pick up that first drink.

This past weekend my mother-in-law passed away. It was not really expected at all. I brought my daughter in to see her, and we talked with the Dr. who said she will walk out of here. The next afternoon hospice was called in. She died less that 48hrs after that.

This has been the biggest and worse thing I have gone through in my almost 2yrs of being sober. My blog .. so this is about me for right now.

My knee jerk reaction to all of it has been just what it is suppose to be. To drink. To get away from having to feel. Drinking is how I have dealt with just about everything in my life for the past 15 years or more. Happy, sad, it's a Tuesday. Drink. Don't feel, don't hurt. Drink.

My disease has been lying in a dormant state for almost two years. It jumped up and clapped its hands, drooled, did a little happy dance .... thought it was going to get to play. It was pretty freaking scary how fast that devil was right on top of me. Drink.

NO!!! I want to stay sober more than I want to drink. The devil gave me a drop kick in the gut, but he did not win. I have spent the past two years laying a strong foundation in sobriety. I had moves of my own to counter the devil.

I asked God to help me stay away from a drink. I went to meetings. I called my sponsor. I made sure I had a list of numbers at the ready in case the devil started making sense. I asked God to let me do His will. It is not God's will that I drink. Thank You God.

I am still a little shaky at just how fast the complete desire for a drink came back. Ok ... a drunk more than a drink. I am not beating myself up over it though. Drinking is how I use to deal, or not deal, with everything for so many years. This is the first real real big thing in my life during my sobriety. Knee jerk. When I get through the other side of all this, the next time something major hits ... I have started a new way to deal with things. May be my first thought will always be of a drink. I don't know. But I doubt it. My sponsors hubby said that I am getting new muscles. I think he is right.

I am going to miss my mother-in-law in a very big way. She was a women who enjoyed life, and the people in her life. I had lots of respect for her. She did not come up easy in this world, but you did not hear her bitch. She took pride in herself and her accomplishments, but not boastful. She loved with her complete heart. Good solid people. I hope someday I am a little bit like her.

12 StepS

Last night was my Step Meeting. I have been going to this meeting since my first faltering attempt at staying sober. Much of what I read is still beyond my ken, but I always get something out of going.
Last night was Step 7. Humbly ask Him to remove all faults. (I don't have my book in front of me to write it word for word)
The first time I went through this step I had a huge resentment to it. First of all ... it brought up the GOD thing again. Yup, this AA thing is a cult. They say no God, but here yah go again. It was not so much I had an issue with GOD ... but I have a problem with other people telling me I had to believe in THEIR GOD. Nope, no thank you, not interested. Thankfully I have progressed enough in AA to know that I just have to worry about MY God. MY Higher Power however I see fit to have Him in MY life. And He fits very well indeed.
The other thing I did not like about this step was the words HUMBLE and HUMILITY. I thought for sure .. again it is a cult ... that this was AA's way of breaking you down so they could take over your mind and send you to the airport to sell flowers or something. Humble and humility had no place in my life. That was for losers. I like words like strength, Independence, courage ...
What I have come to find, for me, is that humble and humility lead to those other words. AA is not saying to belittle yourself as I originally thought. Once you admit you have a fault, then you can work on it. That is strength. When you ask for help with it, that is courage. And the closer I build a connection between myself and my God ... I am actually more independent. I become free off some of the chains that have held me back. I grow.
Last night when we read the step I had thoughts pinging all over the place. But what I walked away with last night is how Humility leads to having the Grace of God in my life. I also see it around me, so when I doubt it in me ... God lets me know that it is still there for me. I just have to ask.

One Day At A Time

I am fast approaching two years of sobriety. And the only way it is going to happen is if I continue to keep it in the day. I have gotten to the point that yes, I can plan things, but I still have to stay away from projecting.

With the seasons switiching from summer to fall my thoughts have been trying to zoom into the future. My neices wedding next year (open bar), my daughters college graduation (4yrs away), and even the grandchildren I hope to have some day! I hope that they never know me to drink. But even closer are the holidays and the gatherings that will take place. I am fairly certain that if I keep doing what I am doing then I won't drink. What I have to do is stop worrying about these events in the future, I will deal with them WHEN THEY HAPPEN. And just worry about staying sober today.

Today is really all I have. And no, I don't think I will be drinking today.

Pineapple Upside Down Cake

I think it was my first or second AA meeting that I saw MB at. She was the sister of a guy who drank at one of "my" bars. Never would have thought her to be in AA. I just thought she stopped coming to that bar because she was a bit of a snob. Not that I had really thought about it. MB was not a part of my drinking world, so therefore not worthy of thought right?

So I was pretty surprised to see her there. She had been "in" the program for about 6mnths at that point. As I first came around I would see her here and there. God putting the right people in my life for His reasons. MB was having a hard time staying sober. It was very hard for me, being new, to see this. It was not long before I began my own slide back into drinking. Not because of MB ... all my own doing. I let her struggle be a "reason" that AA did not work, and would not work for me. My disease LOVES thoughts like that.

Many was the night one would call the other drunk. "Why can't I stay sober!! Why won't the promises come true in my life!! How do those people do it!! I want to be happy like them" Of course neither of us had anything resembling answers. How could we?

We did make and stick to one promise. We did not ever drink together. And God was it tough at times. The drinker was always looking to bring the other one down to the pits of hell for company. And when you have a foot in the door to begin with ..

God love R and S and M and all the people who helped us out during our struggle to get all the way IN AA. They were our life preservers in the sea of booze we were drowning in. A few of our own Eskimos.

Yesterday I made MB a pineapple upside down cake for her two years of sobriety!! YAY MB!! I am PROUD OF YOU and SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! May you always have a month more than me :)

MB is for me a real gift of sobriety. I have a forever friend in the woman. We have gone through and made it two years out of the worst part of our life. Together, drawing on each others strength. Being sober is work. Not as much work as being drunk, but it is still work. Having a friend like MB to stand with makes it possible!

We could not stay sober because we kept picking up that first drink.

Today, the promises are coming true for us, we have some of that happy "those" other people have. We are, one day at a time, getting better.

Two YEARS!! If we can do it ....