No Matter What ...

Don't pick up that first drink.

This past weekend my mother-in-law passed away. It was not really expected at all. I brought my daughter in to see her, and we talked with the Dr. who said she will walk out of here. The next afternoon hospice was called in. She died less that 48hrs after that.

This has been the biggest and worse thing I have gone through in my almost 2yrs of being sober. My blog .. so this is about me for right now.

My knee jerk reaction to all of it has been just what it is suppose to be. To drink. To get away from having to feel. Drinking is how I have dealt with just about everything in my life for the past 15 years or more. Happy, sad, it's a Tuesday. Drink. Don't feel, don't hurt. Drink.

My disease has been lying in a dormant state for almost two years. It jumped up and clapped its hands, drooled, did a little happy dance .... thought it was going to get to play. It was pretty freaking scary how fast that devil was right on top of me. Drink.

NO!!! I want to stay sober more than I want to drink. The devil gave me a drop kick in the gut, but he did not win. I have spent the past two years laying a strong foundation in sobriety. I had moves of my own to counter the devil.

I asked God to help me stay away from a drink. I went to meetings. I called my sponsor. I made sure I had a list of numbers at the ready in case the devil started making sense. I asked God to let me do His will. It is not God's will that I drink. Thank You God.

I am still a little shaky at just how fast the complete desire for a drink came back. Ok ... a drunk more than a drink. I am not beating myself up over it though. Drinking is how I use to deal, or not deal, with everything for so many years. This is the first real real big thing in my life during my sobriety. Knee jerk. When I get through the other side of all this, the next time something major hits ... I have started a new way to deal with things. May be my first thought will always be of a drink. I don't know. But I doubt it. My sponsors hubby said that I am getting new muscles. I think he is right.

I am going to miss my mother-in-law in a very big way. She was a women who enjoyed life, and the people in her life. I had lots of respect for her. She did not come up easy in this world, but you did not hear her bitch. She took pride in herself and her accomplishments, but not boastful. She loved with her complete heart. Good solid people. I hope someday I am a little bit like her.