Self Esteem

Ash Wednesday. Lent. How many many many times was I going to give up drinking for lent? I never actually DID, but perhapes if I had ????? Nah, I need AA. I might have been able to give up the drink for 40 days, but I shudder to think what would have happened on day 41. I am pretty sure that I would have tried to make up for the entire 40 days in one day. That would have been a good way to end up dead. So it is just as well I was not able to stop at all until I got to the halls of AA. Here I learn how to keep being stopped.
The past couple of weeks in the halls have been interesting. Just little things that have been going on that are different from my usual. I don't know how I am feeling about it all if I am honest. I was included in a very special dinner with some very special AA people. I was, am still, surprised that I was included. Most of the people have YEARS of AA, and are very well "conected" in AA. So why pick me? I had a great time btw. Dad & I set up the hall for my home group, and again, a surprise to be asked to do so. This time though it really did make sence as to why I was asked ... I have a very flexable schedule & live a stones throw away. I have been on a few commitments the past couple of weeks and was not asked to speak. That one is a funny one for me. I am more than ok with not having to speak, but there is that part of me that is reading to much into not being asked to share. Ego for sure. Actually, for all three ego plays a pretty big part in how I am feeling. Advantage of writing things down, now I can see it. Saying that I can take it a step further. Being me, with a fairly low self esteem, I am surpised to be included and thought of in a positive way. Because of that low self esteem I am also looking for reasons that people don't think of me in a positive way.
No big turn around even knowing better what is going on in my head. What I will do is turn it all over to God and ask Him to help me work on it. He gave me the flashlight to help see it, now I have to work on finding the light switch to see it even clearer.