Two Down ~

Two down and one to go!! Much easier this year than last, and easier still than the first. New Years will actually be my fifth New Years spent sober. I spent New Years 04/05 in detox. I don't know if that can REALLY count as sober though. I was not drinking, but I was on whatever they gave me to detox on.

It was the start of my journey into recovery though. New Years was on a Friday, and I went into detox on a Thursday after getting completely hammered on Wednesday. Hit every bar in town, some of them twice. I had no idea that I would end up in a detox that night. I had even less of a clue that the road I am on now would be filled with both so many joys and pains. To be honest, had I known I don't think I would have had the courage to step foot onto it. The more I think about it, there is no way I would have done it. I had spent far to many years using the booze as my way to deal with things. I would have looked at all that I have had to do to get were I am and gone running to the bar. You would have needed a crow bar to pry me off my bar stool.

All that being said, I am SO glad that I am here and not there. Despite all the growing pains to get here, my life is filled with MUCH joy!! Just the fact that I got up this morning and had no hang over or regrets from the day before. What a gift, what a joy. Even the ability to appreciate that it is a gift, is a gift!! lol To many gifts to count on a daily basis, that is the core of my sobriety now.

The growth I have gone through as a person is pretty neat too. And again, the ability to SEE it now. So even though I would have gone running if I knew what I was in for, I am so glad that is not how it worked out. I like being this new person who is working on a daily basis to be better. There will always be room for improvement. Always room to grow just a little bit more. And always room in my heart for more more more of the love I am finding in the world I live in. How great is that? It is freaking awesome!!! That's how great!!

Happy New Year!!

New Look ...

It was time for a new look. I am a pretty basic blogger, I use what they give me ..lol Still, I like it. Change is good. Even for a alkie.
Tonight brings lots of different thoughts on change. How MUCH has changed in the past four years. I was at a party tonight that sober friends have been hosting for the past four years. Of the original guest list, myself and one other person continue to be there. Most of the others are still in AA (Thank God) and sober, but the circle of friends have changed from that first rough year of sobriety. The tone of the party has changed as well from last year to this. Most of the people there tonight are in a "private" AA group that meets once a month. We do some heavy sharing at the meeting. Tonight nothing was heavy, we were all relaxed and enjoyed and laughed and laughed. Even when nothing was funny .... the ladies just wanted to be as loud as the guys!!
Some changes in life are good, some bad, and some like the look of this blog have no impact whatsoever other than to amuse me :)

AWOL

Have I mentioned how much I am enjoying my AWOL? I really do enjoy it, for several reasons. The most important, it is helping me to stay sober. A pretty good reason to keep doing it I think.

I have to be honest about this. The snippets of contriversy over if a AWOL counts, bugs me!!

I had been going to a step meeting for 2 1/2 years faithfully. A 12 & 12, but really just a 12, we never did the traditions. So I heard that "my" step meeting did not really count. But it was helping me stay sober. So I kept going. And each week I got something out of the meeting. Each week I grew a little bit more as a person. A sober person. So because it was not an AA sanctioned meeting, does that make me any less sober?

The same thing goes for the AWOL. My understanding of those against it, the reason is we are not "really" "working" the steps. Well I just don't get that at all. I know for a fact that I AM working the steps to the best of my ability and knowledge at this stage of my sobriety. I am gaining insight into myself and my relationship with God. And ... I am staying sober. Am I less sober if I don't do the steps "just so"??

And people wonder why earth people think AA is a cult!! lol

Thank God the people who are a part of my daily AA don't hold these views. I am not sure I would have stayed with AA if my only option was to get sober just one way. I have instead been given the gift of a amazing fellowship in the form of the meetings I go to and all their various flavors. Because of, and in spite of, the old school/new school/tough love/soft love etc differences I am able to go to meetings that suit me best. And as I grow as a sober person, so do my needs and expectations of and for myself. And because I have such a great fellowship to teach me, learn from ..more growth.

Everybody learns differently. I am very grateful that the halls of AA were able to spawn some options that may not have made the approved list, but were able to get through to me. I am not talking about a easier softer way, those cards are not ones I try to play. I am talking about using different words or methods that make more sense to me. Down the line would I like to do a Big Book Step Study? Yes, and I am sure I will. When I am ready. When I am able to sort out the words without being overwhelmed. When God says I am ready for that step in my life. Right now, going the the 12 step meeting, and now the AWOL, I am getting a good foundation in AA. I am learning the ABC's of the Big Book. And I feel good. I feel good. Wow. Very cool :)

Oh yah, I think I read somewere too that the ONLY requirment for AA is a desire to stop drinking.............

The Shack

www.theshackbook.com

God picked out a book for me. Really!! God doing His God thing. I had been having a God day. For whatever reason, God, praying, meditation, had all been on my mind off and on. I have my "list" of people I pray for and was thinking that there are some people who are close to me that I don't really pray enough for. They get the random thought prayers. I always feel good after I pray, I feel good about praying, and I should pray more. That was the conclusion I came to. I should also work on being more open to God in my life. And I should at least try the meditation cd I bought ... lol

Those were the thoughts I was having the day God picked out the book. I had gone to Borders in search of a couple of Christmas Gifts. I was in shopping mode, and had no thoughts good or bad of God floating around in my head. Buy Buy Buy .... that's were the brain mush was at. I was searching through Military History area for a book I did not know the name of, but was hoping if I saw it I would remember the dust cover. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a display of books. Kind of it a odd spot, not in the main area of displays. Almost but not really tucked away. Hmm.. I picked it up and read the back. It was a God book. ( In the history section??)

Right away I thought, God picked this out for me. That is not normal thinking for me. But the thought was there, and I figured I had to get it. It's not like I buy this type of book, or go looking for it ....but there you go. God picked it out for me. Thank You!!

The super short description of this book, is that a man suffers one of the most horrendous losses a person can, the death, murder, of his 6yr old daughter. He is not liking God to much. A few years pass and the man receives a invite back to the place of this horrible event ........ from God? Just as bizzar, he goes. He spends the weekend with God and comes back a changed man.

That is the very short version. The time spent with God ~ well it is hard to give words to describe it all. If you are uber religious you will most likely take offence. For me, the presentation of God and His love for us, reflected many of my own personal beliefs. Some of the thoughts have caused me to re-think other thoughts. I laughed out loud, and I was sad. The sign of a well written book for me too!

What really amazed me though is how much of the book reminded me of AA. Simplified, it showed how and why AA works so well. And no, this was not a AA book. Not a single mention of AA. The author I am willing to bet, has no clue about AA. But there yah go. God's perfect love can be found in AA. So many of the philosophies that are found in AA were in this book. How many times have you heard people say they wish that non-AA's could "get" what we have? What a great world we would live in if everyone did the 12 steps? That was this book!! lol

Again, it is hard to put into words all that I got out of this book. I have passed it on to my mom to read, but what I can't wait for is to have another AA read this book. I want to know if it is just me that saw all the parallels.

AA or not AA, it was still a great book. A book to make you go hmmmmm.... And if you let it, could open the door to a loving God of your own understanding. Very cool!!

Trusting In God ~

Today is one of those days were I know in order to feel better, what I have to do is turn the day over, turn my life and my will, over to God. But I am having a hard time doing it at the moment. I found out today that I am going to have to have a medical procedure that will knock me out for a few weeks and cost a chunk of change. I don't know which it is that has me more bummed out. I honestly can't picture myself "staying still" for six weeks. I might be able to do it for a week, but then once I start feeling better ........ I get itchy just thinking about staying home for that long!! Then I think about the cost, and hey I can't work for six weeks ........ ahhh. I am wallowing, is that the right word?? in self pity at the moment.
On the plus side, I know this little pity party won't last. Same as the thought of staying low for a extended amount of time is impossible for me to wrap my little pea brain around, so is letting myself be brought down and stay down.
Today was the day of the bad news. So I am sad and stressed about the "me" part of it. But I do have a positive too. I was able to (I hope) help someone today with some AA questions for their friend.
So, goods & bads. Life on lifes terms. And tomorrow I will spend a few more minutes asking the God of MY understanding to help me through the day, and to help me do His will instead of mine. And I know for a fact that tomorrow will be a better day!!