YOU were?
Last night I was woken up by the phone ringing, I had been asleep for about a hour or so. It was just after 12. I groggily sat up in the bed looking at the clock, and my heart started to pound. There is no such thing as good news at that time of night unless someone is having a baby!!! Nobody I know is having a baby!!!
My father answered the phone, and I could hear him walking towards my room. My entire body began to vibrate .. "no no no no ... not my room not my room" My thought was of course my daughter, who will be 20 in 11 days. He knocked, and it was her. Thankfully, thank You God!!, it was not major!! She had sliced her hand at work, was already at the hospital and needed her insurance information. Ended up not even needing stitches. Thank You God!!!
But I was pretty freaked out. Still am to be completely honest. One of the scariest moments in my life. And God was very good to me.
It has also had me thinking all day long about how it must have felt for her and my husband when I was out there drinking. All those nights I was out, not hurting anyone, and having fun, and occasionally I would call at 12, 1am ~ to drunk to drive so I am going to sleep it off at work. How did that make them feel? Not knowing if when that phone rang, was it me calling .. drunk... the cops? the morgue? And even, just how often did I torture them like that? I don't even know.
I justified it left and right. There was no need to worry, I was a big girl, plus all those "friends" at the bar were watching out for me too. Yah right, those same friends are still waiting for me to come out of the bathroom!!
I have a big ole lump of shame going on in my head right now. This experience has humbled me in a new way. I will continue to think on it for a few days, see what else I am suppose to learn from it. And I will make yet another amends to my daughter for that behavior in particular.
Then I will move on, and be glad in my heart that I am NOT that person anymore. That was then, this IS now. I might still have lots of work to do on me, but I am open to it. God let me see how my past behavior affected them, and gave me another lesson in humility. I will learn and grow. To the best of my ability.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Joy Of Living
Step 12, 12 and 12. Not sure if that is the very first line in that step, but it is right there. And tonight, as it has been for the past couple of weeks, right in my face. The Joy Of Living. I did not get sober to be miserable. I might have thought thats how it was going to be, but it is in fact the furthest thing from my life. Even when it is bad, it is still good.
For the past couple of weeks it seems everytime I turn around the theme has been some how or another the joy of living. Either a speaker talks on it, I read it in a book, the topic at a discussion meeting ... Follwed by the secret to living joyfully. Live in God. If you live in a power greater than yourself, for me God, then there is nothing that I can't handle. It is just that simple. It is keeping that thought in the top spot though ..... grabbing back my own will, not trusting God. Those are the things that dampen the joy of living.
So God has been pretty in my face about the joy of living, so today was yet another joyful day!
For the past couple of weeks it seems everytime I turn around the theme has been some how or another the joy of living. Either a speaker talks on it, I read it in a book, the topic at a discussion meeting ... Follwed by the secret to living joyfully. Live in God. If you live in a power greater than yourself, for me God, then there is nothing that I can't handle. It is just that simple. It is keeping that thought in the top spot though ..... grabbing back my own will, not trusting God. Those are the things that dampen the joy of living.
So God has been pretty in my face about the joy of living, so today was yet another joyful day!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Just For Today
My day today ~
Woke up about 5 am. (as opposed to came too) Looked out the window and saw a brilliant sunrise. Thanked God for waking me up to see that, went back to sleep.
Hour later up and atom, walked down (as opposed to stumble) and made coffee. Ate a pastry. I could do that because I was did not feel like puking.
Off to work, a job that I have because I am sober and can handle it (most days anyways..lol), because I am sober. Did actual work instead of spending the day trying to remember the night before.
1:00 ~ went to the bank were I deposited MY money, into a account that has money, that so far (knock on wood) I have not ever taken out what was not there. That will have enough in it tomorrow for me to pay some bills.
2:00 ~ Picked up my great niece to spend the afternoon with. Same niece who's mother I "never hurt" with my drinking. How did it make her feel when she would find reasons to not have herself, or her daughter around me when I was drinking? Today she trust me with her children.
~ 7:00 Had a BLAST with the girl!!! Just plain fun that you can have when you are sober and not wrapped up in planning how fast you can lose the kid so you can get a drink!! Near the end of the day I offered to bring her home before I took my shower so she did not have so much driving to do ... she wanted nothing to do with that. " I want to stay with you!"
7:30 ~ 8:30 Meeting. Commitment with my group. When I spoke I pretty much said what I am writing here tonight. My day, my SOBER day, and all the gifts I received in my day TODAY: JUST FOR TODAY ... because I am sober.
How awesome.
Woke up about 5 am. (as opposed to came too) Looked out the window and saw a brilliant sunrise. Thanked God for waking me up to see that, went back to sleep.
Hour later up and atom, walked down (as opposed to stumble) and made coffee. Ate a pastry. I could do that because I was did not feel like puking.
Off to work, a job that I have because I am sober and can handle it (most days anyways..lol), because I am sober. Did actual work instead of spending the day trying to remember the night before.
1:00 ~ went to the bank were I deposited MY money, into a account that has money, that so far (knock on wood) I have not ever taken out what was not there. That will have enough in it tomorrow for me to pay some bills.
2:00 ~ Picked up my great niece to spend the afternoon with. Same niece who's mother I "never hurt" with my drinking. How did it make her feel when she would find reasons to not have herself, or her daughter around me when I was drinking? Today she trust me with her children.
~ 7:00 Had a BLAST with the girl!!! Just plain fun that you can have when you are sober and not wrapped up in planning how fast you can lose the kid so you can get a drink!! Near the end of the day I offered to bring her home before I took my shower so she did not have so much driving to do ... she wanted nothing to do with that. " I want to stay with you!"
7:30 ~ 8:30 Meeting. Commitment with my group. When I spoke I pretty much said what I am writing here tonight. My day, my SOBER day, and all the gifts I received in my day TODAY: JUST FOR TODAY ... because I am sober.
How awesome.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Independence
Happy 4th of July!!!
The past couple of days I have heard many wishes for a Happy 4th, and happy Independence Day. Independence, what a word. Today, just for today, I have Independence from my addiction. Cue fireworks please!!!
I went to a meeting yesterday, and the commitment did not show up. Being the alkie I am, I started thinking about what I would say if I was asked to speak. The bare bones fact is anytime I get up I take a big breath and ask God to give me the words, but that does not stop me from thinking before hand ....
Anyways, here are the thoughts..........
We have people fighting a war across the sea right now. The hope is that when all is said in done, people will have a new freedom and new happiness. Sound familiar? How would we react as Americans if the government, or any one, started telling us what we could do? Who we could be friends with, were we could go, how much money we could spend, what we could eat, what we could drink, how late we could sleep or how late we could stay up?? WHAT??? How dare they!! This is America after all, NOBODY but NOBODY has the right to tell us those type of things. It would start a civil war.
Yet, when we were drinking and or drugging, did we not let our addiction dictate just those things? We would not go to Joe & Sally's house for a party because they did not use like we did. We would not buy things in order to have money to feed our addiction. We passed on jobs, promotions, because they would interfere with our lifestyle. Based our food on what type of drinking we planned, or had none at all. Our addiction controlled us with a iron fist any dictator would like to wield.
Thankfully, today at least, I have a army of Angels in my life. They come in all shapes and sizes with different tools to share with me. I do not have a bullet proof vest that will save me, but I have literally legions of people who have fought this war before me acting as a buffer. As long as I am surrounded by my Angels, and heed there advice. One day at a time I can doge the bullet of addiction and the punishing dictator that fires the gun.
So to all my Angels, Thank You.
Happy Independence Day!!
The past couple of days I have heard many wishes for a Happy 4th, and happy Independence Day. Independence, what a word. Today, just for today, I have Independence from my addiction. Cue fireworks please!!!
I went to a meeting yesterday, and the commitment did not show up. Being the alkie I am, I started thinking about what I would say if I was asked to speak. The bare bones fact is anytime I get up I take a big breath and ask God to give me the words, but that does not stop me from thinking before hand ....
Anyways, here are the thoughts..........
We have people fighting a war across the sea right now. The hope is that when all is said in done, people will have a new freedom and new happiness. Sound familiar? How would we react as Americans if the government, or any one, started telling us what we could do? Who we could be friends with, were we could go, how much money we could spend, what we could eat, what we could drink, how late we could sleep or how late we could stay up?? WHAT??? How dare they!! This is America after all, NOBODY but NOBODY has the right to tell us those type of things. It would start a civil war.
Yet, when we were drinking and or drugging, did we not let our addiction dictate just those things? We would not go to Joe & Sally's house for a party because they did not use like we did. We would not buy things in order to have money to feed our addiction. We passed on jobs, promotions, because they would interfere with our lifestyle. Based our food on what type of drinking we planned, or had none at all. Our addiction controlled us with a iron fist any dictator would like to wield.
Thankfully, today at least, I have a army of Angels in my life. They come in all shapes and sizes with different tools to share with me. I do not have a bullet proof vest that will save me, but I have literally legions of people who have fought this war before me acting as a buffer. As long as I am surrounded by my Angels, and heed there advice. One day at a time I can doge the bullet of addiction and the punishing dictator that fires the gun.
So to all my Angels, Thank You.
Happy Independence Day!!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Hanging in ~
Since my last post, I have not been in the mood to write. Part of it was being wrapped up in recovery from my surgery. That was really tough for me to try and take it easy and just get better. Any time I thought about writing, the words were all whiny. "Wine" of any kind, I don't want on my blog ... ;)
About a week or so after that post, yet another friend admitted to using. If I thought I was bothered before, yow ch. This time it was someone very close to me, that I truly love and consider family. I am still dealing with it to be honest. Concern for the person, and the other people involved. I am joyful over the fact that they are "back", and working on doing the next right thing in recovery. I really really mean it when I think or say NO SHAME for coming back. But I think for the first time too, I have really seen the havoc of a active user. Like I said, I am still dealing with it.
I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life because of AA, and over all it just seems like the past few months have not been very kind to them. Loss of jobs, family, health .... the list is actually rather lengthy. I think I have just felt kind of useless knowing that I can't do anything to fix these things for them, and I feel bad trying to cheer them up all the time if that makes any sence at all!! Like I am not "hearing" the pain they are in. Look for God in it ~ be glad you have clean socks!! Just because that works for me, gets me through my rough days, does not mean that is what they need to hear. So again, I did not feel like writing and have it all be downer stuff.
All that being said, I am looking for God in in the troubles that seem to be passing by my door. I really and honestly do not believe that God is punishing these people, life on life's terms. That saying "Why me? Why not?" a little harsh, but that is the reality. We all get crap, what are you going to do about it? God is always with me, that I know. It is my belief that He is with everyone, and is just waiting for you to say "ok God, You call the shots, and I will accept it". I still don't think you have to LIKE everything all the time. But I also believe that if you look, you can see Gods grace in everything. But you have to look.
This past weekend was hell at work. I am so lucky right now to complain that work was "too" busy!!! I gave thanks, even though my head was spinning. I had over scheduled a rental item, and could not get the back up as planned. So on Sunday I had to get the back up, then deliver it to the customer. I was not in a happy place. I continued in the crabby place until I got home ... pissed of that the boy who works for me did not follow MY plan ... arrrhhh raaahhh ..eh..whine.. So when I got home I was bitching out loud to my mother and sister. While I was doing that I told them about the little girl who I brought the rental item too. It was HER birthday. Oh she was SO excited to see me!! Was I going to stay for her party? She had blond bouncy hair, a bright colorful sundress on, and was literally DANCING with excitement!!!!
For just a few minutes I got to be a part of that. How cool. God showed me front and center how the job I do makes for happy kids, and it is fun when you see happy kids. God also gave me the grace to see that. Did it make the rest of the terrible day go away? No, it is what it is. But I did not care so much. I survived, and I knew I would. I did not get any phone calls people mad at me, though I am sure there were a couple who were less than happy. Hopefully when the day was done they were thinking of there own bits of dancing sun, and the success of the day.
I can't help it, there are days when the best thing is I have clean socks. But, I HAVE CLEAN SOCKS!!! They are mine, and I washed them and put them away. Because I am sober and I can. Thankfully though, I am able to raise the bar a bit, and also see beautiful 3 year old princess girls. Dancing 'cause it's their birthday!!!!
So as sad as I am, as frustrated, looks like I needed to post to keep my head in the game.
GRAD-AH-TUDE Amen
About a week or so after that post, yet another friend admitted to using. If I thought I was bothered before, yow ch. This time it was someone very close to me, that I truly love and consider family. I am still dealing with it to be honest. Concern for the person, and the other people involved. I am joyful over the fact that they are "back", and working on doing the next right thing in recovery. I really really mean it when I think or say NO SHAME for coming back. But I think for the first time too, I have really seen the havoc of a active user. Like I said, I am still dealing with it.
I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life because of AA, and over all it just seems like the past few months have not been very kind to them. Loss of jobs, family, health .... the list is actually rather lengthy. I think I have just felt kind of useless knowing that I can't do anything to fix these things for them, and I feel bad trying to cheer them up all the time if that makes any sence at all!! Like I am not "hearing" the pain they are in. Look for God in it ~ be glad you have clean socks!! Just because that works for me, gets me through my rough days, does not mean that is what they need to hear. So again, I did not feel like writing and have it all be downer stuff.
All that being said, I am looking for God in in the troubles that seem to be passing by my door. I really and honestly do not believe that God is punishing these people, life on life's terms. That saying "Why me? Why not?" a little harsh, but that is the reality. We all get crap, what are you going to do about it? God is always with me, that I know. It is my belief that He is with everyone, and is just waiting for you to say "ok God, You call the shots, and I will accept it". I still don't think you have to LIKE everything all the time. But I also believe that if you look, you can see Gods grace in everything. But you have to look.
This past weekend was hell at work. I am so lucky right now to complain that work was "too" busy!!! I gave thanks, even though my head was spinning. I had over scheduled a rental item, and could not get the back up as planned. So on Sunday I had to get the back up, then deliver it to the customer. I was not in a happy place. I continued in the crabby place until I got home ... pissed of that the boy who works for me did not follow MY plan ... arrrhhh raaahhh ..eh..whine.. So when I got home I was bitching out loud to my mother and sister. While I was doing that I told them about the little girl who I brought the rental item too. It was HER birthday. Oh she was SO excited to see me!! Was I going to stay for her party? She had blond bouncy hair, a bright colorful sundress on, and was literally DANCING with excitement!!!!
For just a few minutes I got to be a part of that. How cool. God showed me front and center how the job I do makes for happy kids, and it is fun when you see happy kids. God also gave me the grace to see that. Did it make the rest of the terrible day go away? No, it is what it is. But I did not care so much. I survived, and I knew I would. I did not get any phone calls people mad at me, though I am sure there were a couple who were less than happy. Hopefully when the day was done they were thinking of there own bits of dancing sun, and the success of the day.
I can't help it, there are days when the best thing is I have clean socks. But, I HAVE CLEAN SOCKS!!! They are mine, and I washed them and put them away. Because I am sober and I can. Thankfully though, I am able to raise the bar a bit, and also see beautiful 3 year old princess girls. Dancing 'cause it's their birthday!!!!
So as sad as I am, as frustrated, looks like I needed to post to keep my head in the game.
GRAD-AH-TUDE Amen
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