Hanging in ~

Since my last post, I have not been in the mood to write. Part of it was being wrapped up in recovery from my surgery. That was really tough for me to try and take it easy and just get better. Any time I thought about writing, the words were all whiny. "Wine" of any kind, I don't want on my blog ... ;)

About a week or so after that post, yet another friend admitted to using. If I thought I was bothered before, yow ch. This time it was someone very close to me, that I truly love and consider family. I am still dealing with it to be honest. Concern for the person, and the other people involved. I am joyful over the fact that they are "back", and working on doing the next right thing in recovery. I really really mean it when I think or say NO SHAME for coming back. But I think for the first time too, I have really seen the havoc of a active user. Like I said, I am still dealing with it.

I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life because of AA, and over all it just seems like the past few months have not been very kind to them. Loss of jobs, family, health .... the list is actually rather lengthy. I think I have just felt kind of useless knowing that I can't do anything to fix these things for them, and I feel bad trying to cheer them up all the time if that makes any sence at all!! Like I am not "hearing" the pain they are in. Look for God in it ~ be glad you have clean socks!! Just because that works for me, gets me through my rough days, does not mean that is what they need to hear. So again, I did not feel like writing and have it all be downer stuff.

All that being said, I am looking for God in in the troubles that seem to be passing by my door. I really and honestly do not believe that God is punishing these people, life on life's terms. That saying "Why me? Why not?" a little harsh, but that is the reality. We all get crap, what are you going to do about it? God is always with me, that I know. It is my belief that He is with everyone, and is just waiting for you to say "ok God, You call the shots, and I will accept it". I still don't think you have to LIKE everything all the time. But I also believe that if you look, you can see Gods grace in everything. But you have to look.

This past weekend was hell at work. I am so lucky right now to complain that work was "too" busy!!! I gave thanks, even though my head was spinning. I had over scheduled a rental item, and could not get the back up as planned. So on Sunday I had to get the back up, then deliver it to the customer. I was not in a happy place. I continued in the crabby place until I got home ... pissed of that the boy who works for me did not follow MY plan ... arrrhhh raaahhh ..eh..whine.. So when I got home I was bitching out loud to my mother and sister. While I was doing that I told them about the little girl who I brought the rental item too. It was HER birthday. Oh she was SO excited to see me!! Was I going to stay for her party? She had blond bouncy hair, a bright colorful sundress on, and was literally DANCING with excitement!!!!

For just a few minutes I got to be a part of that. How cool. God showed me front and center how the job I do makes for happy kids, and it is fun when you see happy kids. God also gave me the grace to see that. Did it make the rest of the terrible day go away? No, it is what it is. But I did not care so much. I survived, and I knew I would. I did not get any phone calls people mad at me, though I am sure there were a couple who were less than happy. Hopefully when the day was done they were thinking of there own bits of dancing sun, and the success of the day.

I can't help it, there are days when the best thing is I have clean socks. But, I HAVE CLEAN SOCKS!!! They are mine, and I washed them and put them away. Because I am sober and I can. Thankfully though, I am able to raise the bar a bit, and also see beautiful 3 year old princess girls. Dancing 'cause it's their birthday!!!!

So as sad as I am, as frustrated, looks like I needed to post to keep my head in the game.
GRAD-AH-TUDE Amen