Resentment

Resentment - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary: "a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury"

My last go round with Step Four, when it came to the part about resentments I was surprised at how few I had. I had and continue to hear of other people having these GINORMOUS list of resentments. I worried that I was doing the step wrong just for the fact that I was not loaded with resentments!! How can this be when others have list after list after list of them?

I have very good people in my life, that is why my list of resentments continues to be one of the smaller ones for character defects. I was told that having a resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to get ill or die from it. The only one who is damaged by holding onto a resentment is ME. It also says in the big book that people like me should best leave these types of feelings to those that can handle them. Resentments will lead me to a drink.

The wonderful lady who ran that awol from a couple of years ago would just LIGHT UP when she talked about her life today, FREE OF RESENTMENTS. The freedom, the joy, the peace. When I feel a snarly one coming on, I remember today to pray for the person who is pissing me off ... lol And no, not for a piano to land on their head!! I pray that God gives them just what He thinks they need. And I don't worry about what that is. And that wonderful lady is right, freedom, joy, peace. I get to have it all as long as that list continues to stay small.

Getting it & Giving it away!!

There is a part in either the 12 & 12 or big book about the newly sober person working the program of AA and wanting to share it with everyone they know! From the first time I read that and right up until today I identify with that. I want to share what I have with EVERYONE I know ... AA or not.

Doing the AWOL tonight I really just wanted to wrap a few of the newer people up in "what I know today". As we start the writing for the fourth step and they are scared and not seeing past all the bad stuff in their life, I want to show them how good they are!! How absolutely wonderful they have always been deep down inside. I want to show them how much better they are going to continue to get as they continue their journey in recovery.

The things I "get" now that I did not get the start of my last awol ~ sigh ~ and as much as I want to "give" I know they have to "get" in their own time. But I can help if no other way that by being there and saying "hey, I walked through my fear and I am so happy with the results here I am doing it again!!"

There is just so much good in my life as the result of AA it is hard sometimes to not get carried away with "giving". I try all the time to remind myself that the absolute best way to "share" is to live according the the principles laid out in the program. To the best of my ability!! Progress, not perfection!!

I think the biggest thing I would just hand over as the best gift I could possibly give anyone, AA or Earthling, is the faith, belief and trust I have today in my Higher Power. It just feels so good. Better than good, GREAT! Having that Power Greater than me, turning my will and my life over to Her on a daily basis, never ever being alone again. Knowing that He loves me just the way I am. Amazing. Seeing those little day to day miracles and naming them as such. God doing His God thing. Blessed. Sooooo many gifts. I can't count them all and it would take me two lifetimes to give away all that I have been given in such a short time.

Can I get a Amen????

TODAY

Struggling a little to come up with a title tonight. Went to a meeting tonight and learned that one of their mainstays had passed away last Saturday. This man to them was like Steady Eddie to me. It comes as no surprise that Allan was also very much like Eddie. Always had his hand out to the new comer and always was working his program. Even when he (like Eddie) was on his way out the door he was still trying to reach his for the new person and show them how wonderful life is sober.
I am pondering a bit, are these people ~ THESE ~ people all along and they just get so very lost in the drinking they stop? Were they this kind hearted from the get go? Or is it learned in the halls? The gift of sobriety is so great and it literally just burst from me at times. I want to share from the rooftops this wonderful life I have. I would do anything to help a person "get" this. Has that always been in me and now I know how to do it? Or is it just this program?

Well, when it comes down to it ~ don't really matter. It is what it is TODAY. Today is the day I AM living. Today is the day that matters. Simple.

R.I.P Allen. You will be missed.

Like Learning To Drive A Car

Ok, so it may be kind of random however I believe the analogy fits. Getting sober is like learning to drive. Think about it. You go to an AA meeting and see all these sober people. Happy and satisfied with their sober lives. You want that and you know you can do it. How many times before you actually got behind the wheel did you know you could drive the car?? Want to drive the car??

Then came the first driving lesson. Turns out there is a bit more to driving the car than just moving the wheel around. You have to be aware of what is around you, speed limits, other cars, children, weather. Many many factors in order to drive the car safely. Adjusting the seat, the mirrors, ok even the radio!! How much gas to give the car, how hard to press on the brake? Were are the damn windshield wipers???? Wow, it is not as easy as it looks.

Hands sweat, stomach clenches, walking is not so bad right? You are encouraged by friends and family to do it anyways. Parents are praying that you understand the importance of being a safe driver and that they never get "that call".

You listen to the instructions of the person brave enough to take you out driving. You make some mistakes, forget to look in the mirror before starting the car, hands are not at 10 and 2..... That's ok, you are learning. You hit the open road, the stakes are pretty high. If you make a mistake now the potential is death for you, your passenger and other people in your path. Complete destruction. Scary.

You practice, you start paying more attention to what others do behind the wheel. You learn, you get better, you pass the test. With each repletion of driving you get better ( well hopefully you do .... ) You never stop learning though. Each road has its challenges to be over come. Each day with traffic and weather conditions require thought and skill to drive. But you do it.

So how is this like AA? What made me think of it in the first place was watching a student driver the other day. For whatever reason I was zapped back in time to the first time I officially drove. (we won't talk about the time I drove my sisters jeep in the driveway .... and got caught!!)

What first came to me was that sick sensation in my stomach. Today I know it as fear and anxiety. The sweaty hands. The "oh God help me" prayer because there was just to much to remember and I would NOT be able to do it!! Just like the first time I walked through the doors of AA.

When I walked in the doors I thought getting sober was going to be as easy as ... well, driving a car!! Just stop drinking. I quickly discovered that there was a lot MORE than just stop drinking. I did not understand half of half of half of it. And that was on a GOOD day!

I met some people that were willing and brave enough to give me instructions. They told me some mistakes were ok to make, others would be deadly. They told me some of the roads I would take would be challenging beyond belief but I would be able to navigate them if I was following the rules of the road. They told me some of the roads would be pretty and enjoyable, yet I should drive them with the same vigilance as the hard ones. You will be just as dead at 20mph as 100mph. Don't take stupid chances.

They told me if I listened to them and kept practicing it would get easier and less scary. That I would get better.

And they were right.