Gifts

I am constantly amazed at the gifts of sobriety in my life. Ninty Nine percent of those gifts come in the form of people. God has put some pretty amazing and wonderful people in my life. To learn from, to laugh with. to love, to grow. Although most of them are AA, not all are. God just keeps blessing me were ever I go!!

Tonight I went out with a couple of classmates. We have been trying all summer to get together and we finally did it. A year ago I did not know these ladies at all. Today they are an important part of my life! We have not been in close contact since school let out but sitting with them tonight it was like a day had not passed. Nothing major was said or done tonight, chit chat and chowing on food. So nice to be able to sit and relax, not worry about when the waiter was going to come back with our drinks or how much I could drink in front of them or if I had enough money for another drink!

I really do like this new life!!

Seeing Assets?

Back to working on step four in this new AWOL. The part I am having such a hard time with on the writing are my assets. I can see them, see were I have made improvements. I can even acknowledge that there ARE assets to be found!! What an amazing change from the person who walked into the halls four years ago. I have worth, I have value, I am a good person ................ BUT..........

Every time I go to write out the asset I seem to add the BUT and go on to find all the ways I need to improve on what I have. What starts out as an asset ends up being a defect. In all honesty it is making me crazy.

Tonight at the AWOL what was suggested ~ because I am not the only one having the issue ~ is to just STOP at the BUT. Just end it. If I really really have to complete the character assassination on my self, go back to the defect and keep writing.

My personal reflection on these asset/ defects overall is that I want more growth and change and when it comes to Step Seven I am asking for help and God's will ...... then taking them right back. I need to just write as is, then prepare the list again so I can make those changes with God's help on Step Seven .......

Through Strangers Eyes .....

Recently a v.i.p in my life who is not an alcoholic has met a bunch of my AA buddies and went to a meeting with me. This is a little different from when Dad started coming with me for a number of reasons, one being BOTH Dad and I were "new" to AA when he started coming.



Now I have been around for a little bit and sitting in a hall is as comfortable as sitting at my kitchen table. As I sat next to my v.i.p last night I caught myself both wondering what he made of all this AA stuff and thinking about what it was like for me when I very first started to come to AA.



The very first go round in the halls I had my defences up. I really did NOT want to be an alcoholic and did not want to be at those meetings. They were a waste of my time!! How in God's name was I going to get sober listening to a bunch of people whining and exaggerating about their past. I "heard" about d.u.i's, living under bridges, broken homes, jail. suicide attempts. I heard that although they were sober today bad things continued to happen to them. Lost jobs, family, houses, health. What was the point in being sober if all the bad stuff was going to continue? Ya, not so much this AA thing for me.



I kept going to meetings even after I picked up though. Despite seeing and hearing so much negativity I also saw people laughing, smiling, content. Out of the corner of my eye I watched them, half the time not even aware that that was what I was doing.



When the day came that I hope I put the drink down for good, "enough" and penetrated for me to know that if I was going to get sober and stay sober I needed to become a "part of" AA. I still did not want to.



I went to the meetings and tried to "identify" instead of comparing with the speakers. Sometime, ok MOST of the time that was hard to do. Some of the things I just plain did not want to hear. But I kept going. Dad by my side. We would come home from the meetings and talk the meeting to death. In a good way. Trying to figure out how the message heard that night applied to my life now and in the future.

Somewhere along the line without me really noticing it, within seconds of entering a meeting that "home" feeling would settle in. What a wonderful wonderful gift. I know it is the same for Dad.

It is hard to comprehend when you first walk through the doors that the day will come when you are one of those happy smiling people. It is also very important for this drunk to never forget the pain and disbelief of when I first walked through the doors.