This is a picture of my "garden". At the start of the summer it was dirt and leaves. I cleaned it up and planted some seeds, a hodgepodge wildflower mix. I had no idea what if anything would grow. All summer long I watered and weeded, sometimes I am sure pulling out some of the flowers as well as the weeds. It made me happy to hunker down in the heat and tend to my little garden.
Little by slow things began to grow. Finally some flowers. And a random tomato plan. The garden is not organized or lush and that is ok. It works for me. Many of the seeds did not grow. That's ok too. What is there makes me happy.
My sobriety is a lot like that garden. When I first got sober I was all dirt and leaves. I came in the halls of AA and cleaned up a bit. A hodgepodge of ideas were presented to me. Some grew and blossomed. I still have to tend to me, watch out for the weeds and sometimes some good ideas get tossed because I don't recognize them as such. And occasionally a random tomato plant grows. And I am happy. Not perfect, not landscaped but blooming.
This past weekend I had to go to a wake for a special guy who never got to the point I am at today. It broke my heart. I made my plans to go and not until the day of did I realize that "oh shit" there were going to be people at this wake that do not like me. They knew me when and don't know me now. I had a little bit of anxiety. Then I took a look at me, everything I have done to bloom and I was ok. It was and is ok that they don't like me. I did not give them much to like. I am also not that pile of dirt today and I know that. I neither needed or wanted their approval, it was not why I was going to the wake. I was going because it was the right thing to do for me and my friend. The right things were important. The right seeds have been planted and grown in me.
The fact that this is still itching me a bit shows that some weeding needs to be done though. I am hopeful that by putting it to words the last of the anxiety will leave. I am fairly certain that some new seeds have been planted via this experience. Like the ones for my garden I am not real sure what they are at the moment but I am going to tend to them and see what blooms.
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