The past year in the AA community I belong to, has sadly brought the death of a few AA "icons" for lack of a better description. I personally did not know any of them well, and some not at all, but that did not keep there influence from touching my life, my recovery. Currently a dear friend who has had a very marked influence on the recovery community in this area, awards and buildings named after him for example, has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He has months left at the most.
This man has truly helped millions of people. Before I even knew him he had helped me, by helping others that came before me, so that they could help me. The very simple way AA works. We all help each other to the best of our ability.
I consider myself both fortunate and blessed to have him as a part of my life. He is a loving and generous spirit. I can't tell you what his hugs do to brighten my day. I will continue to cherish each visit until the God of his understanding brings him home.
All of this has had me thinking of a few things. A real basic fact of how blessed the people of AA really are. We too have a terminal illness. This disease will kill us, no doubt about it. But it does not have to. If we work our program the way it is laid out we can keep from dying of this disease. By following the basics, pray, go to meetings, talk, be active, don't drink, ask for help. Not a single shot or hospital room and we can choose NOT to DIE of this disease. Could that others have the same options when faces with a life sentence.
The other thing stems from a conversation I had with another "long timer". She has a number of years in the program, but is herself on the young side of life. She commented that all her mentors were dying. That it was time for herself and her hubby to start picking up the slack, that they would be the "old timers". She wondered aloud at how she could ever fill there shoes. The answer was quick. You can't. Not a one of us can hope to accomplish the same things that these people have. It just can't be done. Their shoes cannot be filled. However, because of their influence on this up and coming "old timer" .... New shoes are created, new paths are made. There is no saying if it will be better or worse, that is not the goal. It will be different. That too is how this program works. At the very core it stays the same, but the people in it change and adapt. Find new words or ways to express their own history so that others can learn from them. And the cycle will continue. It does not start again, it continues. This women learned from those before her, I learn from her, and down the line others may learn from me and continue to pass it on .......
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Up Up and ....
Not gonna let it take me away!! My new store opened this week, and I have been bushwhacked every single night. So I have a pretty good reason to stay home and not go to meetings right? Nope, nope, nope!!
Wednesday night, my step meeting. I used to love going to that meeting, but have not been as into it the past six months or so. I stopped going for a bit, and added another open meeting. But I knew something was missing, felt it. So when they started back on Step One to cycle through again I committed in my head to going back. I have already missed a couple and we are on Step Six. I missed last Wednesday .... no good reason other than I was tired and didn't want to go. That type of thinking is so very bad for me. This week I was on that same playing field. I also had the added "excuse" of how tired I was from opening the new place. I really did not want to go.
I live in complete fear of that first drink. Even two years away from the last drink. I have had enough days, both good and bad, were the thought of a drink still passes through my head. It does not shake me up the way it use to, I have accepted the fact that I am a alcoholic and these thoughts will plague me my entire life. I know this because I go to meetings and people have spoken of it. And today, I know that I am no different from them. I also know that the meeting I will really regret going to will be the one I did not go to at all.
My friend G speaks of a slip she had when she was five or six years sober. She went to lots of meetings and was pretty active. Then one day she did not go to her meeting. And she figured a nice glass of wine would be oh so tasty .... Took her another five years to get back. There is no knowing for sure, but there is a good chance that if she went to her meeting that day, she would not have had that glass of wine.
I have enough regrets on my hands, I don't want to add anymore. I don't want to drink. So I went to the meetings. And I did not regret one single minute of it. Because of the new store I will be missing my Sunday morning meeting. Tonight I will go to a different one. This meeting is actually were I got what I hope is my last 24 hour chip. I like to start my week off with a meeting, and how great it is that I can start this new chapter in my life in the place that in fact started a whole new book .........
Wednesday night, my step meeting. I used to love going to that meeting, but have not been as into it the past six months or so. I stopped going for a bit, and added another open meeting. But I knew something was missing, felt it. So when they started back on Step One to cycle through again I committed in my head to going back. I have already missed a couple and we are on Step Six. I missed last Wednesday .... no good reason other than I was tired and didn't want to go. That type of thinking is so very bad for me. This week I was on that same playing field. I also had the added "excuse" of how tired I was from opening the new place. I really did not want to go.
I live in complete fear of that first drink. Even two years away from the last drink. I have had enough days, both good and bad, were the thought of a drink still passes through my head. It does not shake me up the way it use to, I have accepted the fact that I am a alcoholic and these thoughts will plague me my entire life. I know this because I go to meetings and people have spoken of it. And today, I know that I am no different from them. I also know that the meeting I will really regret going to will be the one I did not go to at all.
My friend G speaks of a slip she had when she was five or six years sober. She went to lots of meetings and was pretty active. Then one day she did not go to her meeting. And she figured a nice glass of wine would be oh so tasty .... Took her another five years to get back. There is no knowing for sure, but there is a good chance that if she went to her meeting that day, she would not have had that glass of wine.
I have enough regrets on my hands, I don't want to add anymore. I don't want to drink. So I went to the meetings. And I did not regret one single minute of it. Because of the new store I will be missing my Sunday morning meeting. Tonight I will go to a different one. This meeting is actually were I got what I hope is my last 24 hour chip. I like to start my week off with a meeting, and how great it is that I can start this new chapter in my life in the place that in fact started a whole new book .........
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Bar room pipe dreams no more ....
How many, many, many, MANY times did I sit at the bar and tell people how to run their lives? I always had the answers. How many, many, many times did I sit at the bar and talk about "the things I could/would" do "some day". Lots and tons and then some.
Today I don't have to pretend to have the answers for other people. And I actually wait for a question (most of the time) before I venture a response of any kind. What a wonderful gift of sobriety that is. I don't have to be in charge of anyone other than myself. That includes my eighteen year old daughter and someday to be ex husband. I am free to be just me. I can offer and give my love and support, and mean it. More importantly, I can really give it.
As for those bar room pipe dreams ......... I can make those real now. Really real!! For EVER I have dreamed of running my own business. What business that would be changed from week to week, but the dream was there. When I was drinking of course part of the motivation was how convinced I was in my arrogant way that I could "do it better". I was a legend in my own mind.
Less than a week from now that dream of running my own business will be coming true. After many hurtles (I have a HUGE resentment against building inspectors at the moment....) ... I will be opening the doors to MY place. Really real. I am still kind of in a state of disbelief to be honest. Once I have the keys in hand and product in stock ... make that first sale ... it MIGHT all start to feel really real. In the tween time, I am getting ready.
Not just trying .. but doing. I am not so concerned about "doing it better than". I do of course want to do it better than the competition, be kind of silly if I didn't! But the arrogance of drunken me is gone. I will be asking for help and advise, and listening. I will implement ideas, some will work, some will not. And that is ok. God is giving me a shot. And if this is not what I was meant to do with my life, not going to be my success story, that is ok too. Instead of just talking about it, I am doing. Such a big improvement that I have already succeeded more than I ever would have sitting in a bar.
Today I don't have to pretend to have the answers for other people. And I actually wait for a question (most of the time) before I venture a response of any kind. What a wonderful gift of sobriety that is. I don't have to be in charge of anyone other than myself. That includes my eighteen year old daughter and someday to be ex husband. I am free to be just me. I can offer and give my love and support, and mean it. More importantly, I can really give it.
As for those bar room pipe dreams ......... I can make those real now. Really real!! For EVER I have dreamed of running my own business. What business that would be changed from week to week, but the dream was there. When I was drinking of course part of the motivation was how convinced I was in my arrogant way that I could "do it better". I was a legend in my own mind.
Less than a week from now that dream of running my own business will be coming true. After many hurtles (I have a HUGE resentment against building inspectors at the moment....) ... I will be opening the doors to MY place. Really real. I am still kind of in a state of disbelief to be honest. Once I have the keys in hand and product in stock ... make that first sale ... it MIGHT all start to feel really real. In the tween time, I am getting ready.
Not just trying .. but doing. I am not so concerned about "doing it better than". I do of course want to do it better than the competition, be kind of silly if I didn't! But the arrogance of drunken me is gone. I will be asking for help and advise, and listening. I will implement ideas, some will work, some will not. And that is ok. God is giving me a shot. And if this is not what I was meant to do with my life, not going to be my success story, that is ok too. Instead of just talking about it, I am doing. Such a big improvement that I have already succeeded more than I ever would have sitting in a bar.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Howard Be Thy Name....
So many people get turned off in AA because of the Higher Power / God part. That really is such a sad thing. AA is not about God, even if there is more than a few mentions of God. It is about believing that YOU are NOT God. That is really all you need to know. How, or what you choose in your life to be a Power Greater that YOURSELF ... is completely up to you. How you express your belief is entirely up to you. Yes, there are people who will put pressure on you to believe WHAT they believe ... but that is not a part of AA. "We are not allied with any sect or denomination" That is a AA fact.
I talked with someone today .. thus my little rant ... who just does not have any room for God in her life at the moment. I say moment not because I plan to convert her, but to leave it open. She has to leave before the Our Father. She has her reasons. Ok. I asked her to look around us right now. Huge trees, sun, snow covered ground .... could she do that?? No. Can you look around and see some of the beauty of it ... yes. Can you get some peace from that? She is going to work on that.
Prayer ... another issue. Meditation ... same page of issues. So how about making a wish? Start each day just making a wish. Wish for sobriety. Light a candle and blow it out ... make a wish. No God involved. Going to work on that as well.
And last, what I had to do for a bit in the beginning, when I was not ready for God. During the Our Father ... Howard Be Thy Name. I could deal with Howard. For me I knew there was a God .. for ME .. but I was not ready for Him. I could deal with Howard.
Whatever works .... that is the right way to do it. And it is whatever works for YOU. What works for me might not work for you. And vs verse. As long as you are working it, then you have a chance of it working for you.
I talked with someone today .. thus my little rant ... who just does not have any room for God in her life at the moment. I say moment not because I plan to convert her, but to leave it open. She has to leave before the Our Father. She has her reasons. Ok. I asked her to look around us right now. Huge trees, sun, snow covered ground .... could she do that?? No. Can you look around and see some of the beauty of it ... yes. Can you get some peace from that? She is going to work on that.
Prayer ... another issue. Meditation ... same page of issues. So how about making a wish? Start each day just making a wish. Wish for sobriety. Light a candle and blow it out ... make a wish. No God involved. Going to work on that as well.
And last, what I had to do for a bit in the beginning, when I was not ready for God. During the Our Father ... Howard Be Thy Name. I could deal with Howard. For me I knew there was a God .. for ME .. but I was not ready for Him. I could deal with Howard.
Whatever works .... that is the right way to do it. And it is whatever works for YOU. What works for me might not work for you. And vs verse. As long as you are working it, then you have a chance of it working for you.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Self Esteem
Ash Wednesday. Lent. How many many many times was I going to give up drinking for lent? I never actually DID, but perhapes if I had ????? Nah, I need AA. I might have been able to give up the drink for 40 days, but I shudder to think what would have happened on day 41. I am pretty sure that I would have tried to make up for the entire 40 days in one day. That would have been a good way to end up dead. So it is just as well I was not able to stop at all until I got to the halls of AA. Here I learn how to keep being stopped.
The past couple of weeks in the halls have been interesting. Just little things that have been going on that are different from my usual. I don't know how I am feeling about it all if I am honest. I was included in a very special dinner with some very special AA people. I was, am still, surprised that I was included. Most of the people have YEARS of AA, and are very well "conected" in AA. So why pick me? I had a great time btw. Dad & I set up the hall for my home group, and again, a surprise to be asked to do so. This time though it really did make sence as to why I was asked ... I have a very flexable schedule & live a stones throw away. I have been on a few commitments the past couple of weeks and was not asked to speak. That one is a funny one for me. I am more than ok with not having to speak, but there is that part of me that is reading to much into not being asked to share. Ego for sure. Actually, for all three ego plays a pretty big part in how I am feeling. Advantage of writing things down, now I can see it. Saying that I can take it a step further. Being me, with a fairly low self esteem, I am surpised to be included and thought of in a positive way. Because of that low self esteem I am also looking for reasons that people don't think of me in a positive way.
No big turn around even knowing better what is going on in my head. What I will do is turn it all over to God and ask Him to help me work on it. He gave me the flashlight to help see it, now I have to work on finding the light switch to see it even clearer.
The past couple of weeks in the halls have been interesting. Just little things that have been going on that are different from my usual. I don't know how I am feeling about it all if I am honest. I was included in a very special dinner with some very special AA people. I was, am still, surprised that I was included. Most of the people have YEARS of AA, and are very well "conected" in AA. So why pick me? I had a great time btw. Dad & I set up the hall for my home group, and again, a surprise to be asked to do so. This time though it really did make sence as to why I was asked ... I have a very flexable schedule & live a stones throw away. I have been on a few commitments the past couple of weeks and was not asked to speak. That one is a funny one for me. I am more than ok with not having to speak, but there is that part of me that is reading to much into not being asked to share. Ego for sure. Actually, for all three ego plays a pretty big part in how I am feeling. Advantage of writing things down, now I can see it. Saying that I can take it a step further. Being me, with a fairly low self esteem, I am surpised to be included and thought of in a positive way. Because of that low self esteem I am also looking for reasons that people don't think of me in a positive way.
No big turn around even knowing better what is going on in my head. What I will do is turn it all over to God and ask Him to help me work on it. He gave me the flashlight to help see it, now I have to work on finding the light switch to see it even clearer.
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