Step 12, 12 and 12. Not sure if that is the very first line in that step, but it is right there. And tonight, as it has been for the past couple of weeks, right in my face. The Joy Of Living. I did not get sober to be miserable. I might have thought thats how it was going to be, but it is in fact the furthest thing from my life. Even when it is bad, it is still good.
For the past couple of weeks it seems everytime I turn around the theme has been some how or another the joy of living. Either a speaker talks on it, I read it in a book, the topic at a discussion meeting ... Follwed by the secret to living joyfully. Live in God. If you live in a power greater than yourself, for me God, then there is nothing that I can't handle. It is just that simple. It is keeping that thought in the top spot though ..... grabbing back my own will, not trusting God. Those are the things that dampen the joy of living.
So God has been pretty in my face about the joy of living, so today was yet another joyful day!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Just For Today
My day today ~
Woke up about 5 am. (as opposed to came too) Looked out the window and saw a brilliant sunrise. Thanked God for waking me up to see that, went back to sleep.
Hour later up and atom, walked down (as opposed to stumble) and made coffee. Ate a pastry. I could do that because I was did not feel like puking.
Off to work, a job that I have because I am sober and can handle it (most days anyways..lol), because I am sober. Did actual work instead of spending the day trying to remember the night before.
1:00 ~ went to the bank were I deposited MY money, into a account that has money, that so far (knock on wood) I have not ever taken out what was not there. That will have enough in it tomorrow for me to pay some bills.
2:00 ~ Picked up my great niece to spend the afternoon with. Same niece who's mother I "never hurt" with my drinking. How did it make her feel when she would find reasons to not have herself, or her daughter around me when I was drinking? Today she trust me with her children.
~ 7:00 Had a BLAST with the girl!!! Just plain fun that you can have when you are sober and not wrapped up in planning how fast you can lose the kid so you can get a drink!! Near the end of the day I offered to bring her home before I took my shower so she did not have so much driving to do ... she wanted nothing to do with that. " I want to stay with you!"
7:30 ~ 8:30 Meeting. Commitment with my group. When I spoke I pretty much said what I am writing here tonight. My day, my SOBER day, and all the gifts I received in my day TODAY: JUST FOR TODAY ... because I am sober.
How awesome.
Woke up about 5 am. (as opposed to came too) Looked out the window and saw a brilliant sunrise. Thanked God for waking me up to see that, went back to sleep.
Hour later up and atom, walked down (as opposed to stumble) and made coffee. Ate a pastry. I could do that because I was did not feel like puking.
Off to work, a job that I have because I am sober and can handle it (most days anyways..lol), because I am sober. Did actual work instead of spending the day trying to remember the night before.
1:00 ~ went to the bank were I deposited MY money, into a account that has money, that so far (knock on wood) I have not ever taken out what was not there. That will have enough in it tomorrow for me to pay some bills.
2:00 ~ Picked up my great niece to spend the afternoon with. Same niece who's mother I "never hurt" with my drinking. How did it make her feel when she would find reasons to not have herself, or her daughter around me when I was drinking? Today she trust me with her children.
~ 7:00 Had a BLAST with the girl!!! Just plain fun that you can have when you are sober and not wrapped up in planning how fast you can lose the kid so you can get a drink!! Near the end of the day I offered to bring her home before I took my shower so she did not have so much driving to do ... she wanted nothing to do with that. " I want to stay with you!"
7:30 ~ 8:30 Meeting. Commitment with my group. When I spoke I pretty much said what I am writing here tonight. My day, my SOBER day, and all the gifts I received in my day TODAY: JUST FOR TODAY ... because I am sober.
How awesome.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Independence
Happy 4th of July!!!
The past couple of days I have heard many wishes for a Happy 4th, and happy Independence Day. Independence, what a word. Today, just for today, I have Independence from my addiction. Cue fireworks please!!!
I went to a meeting yesterday, and the commitment did not show up. Being the alkie I am, I started thinking about what I would say if I was asked to speak. The bare bones fact is anytime I get up I take a big breath and ask God to give me the words, but that does not stop me from thinking before hand ....
Anyways, here are the thoughts..........
We have people fighting a war across the sea right now. The hope is that when all is said in done, people will have a new freedom and new happiness. Sound familiar? How would we react as Americans if the government, or any one, started telling us what we could do? Who we could be friends with, were we could go, how much money we could spend, what we could eat, what we could drink, how late we could sleep or how late we could stay up?? WHAT??? How dare they!! This is America after all, NOBODY but NOBODY has the right to tell us those type of things. It would start a civil war.
Yet, when we were drinking and or drugging, did we not let our addiction dictate just those things? We would not go to Joe & Sally's house for a party because they did not use like we did. We would not buy things in order to have money to feed our addiction. We passed on jobs, promotions, because they would interfere with our lifestyle. Based our food on what type of drinking we planned, or had none at all. Our addiction controlled us with a iron fist any dictator would like to wield.
Thankfully, today at least, I have a army of Angels in my life. They come in all shapes and sizes with different tools to share with me. I do not have a bullet proof vest that will save me, but I have literally legions of people who have fought this war before me acting as a buffer. As long as I am surrounded by my Angels, and heed there advice. One day at a time I can doge the bullet of addiction and the punishing dictator that fires the gun.
So to all my Angels, Thank You.
Happy Independence Day!!
The past couple of days I have heard many wishes for a Happy 4th, and happy Independence Day. Independence, what a word. Today, just for today, I have Independence from my addiction. Cue fireworks please!!!
I went to a meeting yesterday, and the commitment did not show up. Being the alkie I am, I started thinking about what I would say if I was asked to speak. The bare bones fact is anytime I get up I take a big breath and ask God to give me the words, but that does not stop me from thinking before hand ....
Anyways, here are the thoughts..........
We have people fighting a war across the sea right now. The hope is that when all is said in done, people will have a new freedom and new happiness. Sound familiar? How would we react as Americans if the government, or any one, started telling us what we could do? Who we could be friends with, were we could go, how much money we could spend, what we could eat, what we could drink, how late we could sleep or how late we could stay up?? WHAT??? How dare they!! This is America after all, NOBODY but NOBODY has the right to tell us those type of things. It would start a civil war.
Yet, when we were drinking and or drugging, did we not let our addiction dictate just those things? We would not go to Joe & Sally's house for a party because they did not use like we did. We would not buy things in order to have money to feed our addiction. We passed on jobs, promotions, because they would interfere with our lifestyle. Based our food on what type of drinking we planned, or had none at all. Our addiction controlled us with a iron fist any dictator would like to wield.
Thankfully, today at least, I have a army of Angels in my life. They come in all shapes and sizes with different tools to share with me. I do not have a bullet proof vest that will save me, but I have literally legions of people who have fought this war before me acting as a buffer. As long as I am surrounded by my Angels, and heed there advice. One day at a time I can doge the bullet of addiction and the punishing dictator that fires the gun.
So to all my Angels, Thank You.
Happy Independence Day!!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Hanging in ~
Since my last post, I have not been in the mood to write. Part of it was being wrapped up in recovery from my surgery. That was really tough for me to try and take it easy and just get better. Any time I thought about writing, the words were all whiny. "Wine" of any kind, I don't want on my blog ... ;)
About a week or so after that post, yet another friend admitted to using. If I thought I was bothered before, yow ch. This time it was someone very close to me, that I truly love and consider family. I am still dealing with it to be honest. Concern for the person, and the other people involved. I am joyful over the fact that they are "back", and working on doing the next right thing in recovery. I really really mean it when I think or say NO SHAME for coming back. But I think for the first time too, I have really seen the havoc of a active user. Like I said, I am still dealing with it.
I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life because of AA, and over all it just seems like the past few months have not been very kind to them. Loss of jobs, family, health .... the list is actually rather lengthy. I think I have just felt kind of useless knowing that I can't do anything to fix these things for them, and I feel bad trying to cheer them up all the time if that makes any sence at all!! Like I am not "hearing" the pain they are in. Look for God in it ~ be glad you have clean socks!! Just because that works for me, gets me through my rough days, does not mean that is what they need to hear. So again, I did not feel like writing and have it all be downer stuff.
All that being said, I am looking for God in in the troubles that seem to be passing by my door. I really and honestly do not believe that God is punishing these people, life on life's terms. That saying "Why me? Why not?" a little harsh, but that is the reality. We all get crap, what are you going to do about it? God is always with me, that I know. It is my belief that He is with everyone, and is just waiting for you to say "ok God, You call the shots, and I will accept it". I still don't think you have to LIKE everything all the time. But I also believe that if you look, you can see Gods grace in everything. But you have to look.
This past weekend was hell at work. I am so lucky right now to complain that work was "too" busy!!! I gave thanks, even though my head was spinning. I had over scheduled a rental item, and could not get the back up as planned. So on Sunday I had to get the back up, then deliver it to the customer. I was not in a happy place. I continued in the crabby place until I got home ... pissed of that the boy who works for me did not follow MY plan ... arrrhhh raaahhh ..eh..whine.. So when I got home I was bitching out loud to my mother and sister. While I was doing that I told them about the little girl who I brought the rental item too. It was HER birthday. Oh she was SO excited to see me!! Was I going to stay for her party? She had blond bouncy hair, a bright colorful sundress on, and was literally DANCING with excitement!!!!
For just a few minutes I got to be a part of that. How cool. God showed me front and center how the job I do makes for happy kids, and it is fun when you see happy kids. God also gave me the grace to see that. Did it make the rest of the terrible day go away? No, it is what it is. But I did not care so much. I survived, and I knew I would. I did not get any phone calls people mad at me, though I am sure there were a couple who were less than happy. Hopefully when the day was done they were thinking of there own bits of dancing sun, and the success of the day.
I can't help it, there are days when the best thing is I have clean socks. But, I HAVE CLEAN SOCKS!!! They are mine, and I washed them and put them away. Because I am sober and I can. Thankfully though, I am able to raise the bar a bit, and also see beautiful 3 year old princess girls. Dancing 'cause it's their birthday!!!!
So as sad as I am, as frustrated, looks like I needed to post to keep my head in the game.
GRAD-AH-TUDE Amen
About a week or so after that post, yet another friend admitted to using. If I thought I was bothered before, yow ch. This time it was someone very close to me, that I truly love and consider family. I am still dealing with it to be honest. Concern for the person, and the other people involved. I am joyful over the fact that they are "back", and working on doing the next right thing in recovery. I really really mean it when I think or say NO SHAME for coming back. But I think for the first time too, I have really seen the havoc of a active user. Like I said, I am still dealing with it.
I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life because of AA, and over all it just seems like the past few months have not been very kind to them. Loss of jobs, family, health .... the list is actually rather lengthy. I think I have just felt kind of useless knowing that I can't do anything to fix these things for them, and I feel bad trying to cheer them up all the time if that makes any sence at all!! Like I am not "hearing" the pain they are in. Look for God in it ~ be glad you have clean socks!! Just because that works for me, gets me through my rough days, does not mean that is what they need to hear. So again, I did not feel like writing and have it all be downer stuff.
All that being said, I am looking for God in in the troubles that seem to be passing by my door. I really and honestly do not believe that God is punishing these people, life on life's terms. That saying "Why me? Why not?" a little harsh, but that is the reality. We all get crap, what are you going to do about it? God is always with me, that I know. It is my belief that He is with everyone, and is just waiting for you to say "ok God, You call the shots, and I will accept it". I still don't think you have to LIKE everything all the time. But I also believe that if you look, you can see Gods grace in everything. But you have to look.
This past weekend was hell at work. I am so lucky right now to complain that work was "too" busy!!! I gave thanks, even though my head was spinning. I had over scheduled a rental item, and could not get the back up as planned. So on Sunday I had to get the back up, then deliver it to the customer. I was not in a happy place. I continued in the crabby place until I got home ... pissed of that the boy who works for me did not follow MY plan ... arrrhhh raaahhh ..eh..whine.. So when I got home I was bitching out loud to my mother and sister. While I was doing that I told them about the little girl who I brought the rental item too. It was HER birthday. Oh she was SO excited to see me!! Was I going to stay for her party? She had blond bouncy hair, a bright colorful sundress on, and was literally DANCING with excitement!!!!
For just a few minutes I got to be a part of that. How cool. God showed me front and center how the job I do makes for happy kids, and it is fun when you see happy kids. God also gave me the grace to see that. Did it make the rest of the terrible day go away? No, it is what it is. But I did not care so much. I survived, and I knew I would. I did not get any phone calls people mad at me, though I am sure there were a couple who were less than happy. Hopefully when the day was done they were thinking of there own bits of dancing sun, and the success of the day.
I can't help it, there are days when the best thing is I have clean socks. But, I HAVE CLEAN SOCKS!!! They are mine, and I washed them and put them away. Because I am sober and I can. Thankfully though, I am able to raise the bar a bit, and also see beautiful 3 year old princess girls. Dancing 'cause it's their birthday!!!!
So as sad as I am, as frustrated, looks like I needed to post to keep my head in the game.
GRAD-AH-TUDE Amen
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sober for Today
I hear it all the time, how people get sober, get a "life", and then do not need AA anymore, or how they were still going to meetings but had a medical issue that required pain pills, or they were going to meeting here and there and that was it. So many different variations of what they did or did not do with the end result the same. They picked up. So I hear it, and I do keep it in mind, but I have to admit it hit home the hardest when it was someone I know. Someone who heard the same stories and I did. Someone who I respect and consider a pretty smart person. Someone who picked up, and by the grace of God, came back. Prayers that they stay, and prayers that they keep in mind the stories of those that struggle and don't make it back at all.
It would be pretty easy to get all worked up and analytical as to why it happened. What was done right, what was done wrong. I honestly don't think the what is the important part though, it is the why. The WHY is the disease. I know for a fact that my WHY still resides in me, waiting waiting waiting for me to give it a WHAT. I can go to step meetings galore, counseling forever, and know as much as there is to know about me and my disease, yet it will never ever go away.
When I crossed that line, or activated the monster with my very first drink, I lost. No, I did not know I lost or how much I would lose, but I lost just the same. Today, just today, I know with out a doubt the road I would travel should I pick up. Before I hit that road I should just put everything out on the front lawn from my socks to my soul. FREE ~ Take it all I won't be needing it were I am going.
The WHY is still in me, I know many of the reasons that I drank, there are still many I don't too. Knowing WHY does not change the past, or even protect me against a future drink. It just is. Knowing WHY allows me to try and change in order to diminish the power of WHY. Today I am a stronger and better balanced person, sorta. Yet it would be so very easy to slip away from who I am today, and forget the WHY, so easy to fall into the false sense of security that I have conquered the WHY. Victory is mine, lets have a drink to celebrate!! Too easy as as I see through my friends actions.
As easy is the first drink.
So I am sober today, and grateful. I know WHY I am sober today as well. Because I have a God in my life who helps me on a daily basis, because I have people that that God has put in my life to talk to, learn from, and pray with, because I go to meetings and listen to the best of my ability and learn to the best of my ability, because I am willing to do the next right thing for myself and for others, because I do my best to stay honest about what is going on in myself.
Why? Because it works, for me, for today.......
It would be pretty easy to get all worked up and analytical as to why it happened. What was done right, what was done wrong. I honestly don't think the what is the important part though, it is the why. The WHY is the disease. I know for a fact that my WHY still resides in me, waiting waiting waiting for me to give it a WHAT. I can go to step meetings galore, counseling forever, and know as much as there is to know about me and my disease, yet it will never ever go away.
When I crossed that line, or activated the monster with my very first drink, I lost. No, I did not know I lost or how much I would lose, but I lost just the same. Today, just today, I know with out a doubt the road I would travel should I pick up. Before I hit that road I should just put everything out on the front lawn from my socks to my soul. FREE ~ Take it all I won't be needing it were I am going.
The WHY is still in me, I know many of the reasons that I drank, there are still many I don't too. Knowing WHY does not change the past, or even protect me against a future drink. It just is. Knowing WHY allows me to try and change in order to diminish the power of WHY. Today I am a stronger and better balanced person, sorta. Yet it would be so very easy to slip away from who I am today, and forget the WHY, so easy to fall into the false sense of security that I have conquered the WHY. Victory is mine, lets have a drink to celebrate!! Too easy as as I see through my friends actions.
As easy is the first drink.
So I am sober today, and grateful. I know WHY I am sober today as well. Because I have a God in my life who helps me on a daily basis, because I have people that that God has put in my life to talk to, learn from, and pray with, because I go to meetings and listen to the best of my ability and learn to the best of my ability, because I am willing to do the next right thing for myself and for others, because I do my best to stay honest about what is going on in myself.
Why? Because it works, for me, for today.......
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