One year ago .......

One year ago I was devastated by the death of my mother-in law. She was suppose to get better and come home, and instead she died. It knocked the wind right out of me. But I did not drink, even though I wanted to. For that I am grateful beyond belief.
Last year when I blogged about it, I blogged about me, and my grief, and the fact that I wanted to drink. Today I want to blog about her.
I lucked out when it came to a mother in law. I was 18 when I first met her, days away from 39 when she died. For just over 20 years she was a part of my life. She is still, and will forever be a part of my life.
Her son was my first serious boyfriend. At the time, I was the "only" serious "friend" of any of her six children. I don't think either of us were sure how we were suppose to proceed. It took me a little while to get use to her matter of fact comments. Very quickly she decided that if I wanted to be a part of her family, then that's how I would be treated. Translation .... get your own drink if you are still thirsty!!! Not to say she was not a gracious hostess, she was all that and more!! But, as silly as it may seem, by opening up her refrigerator door she opened up the entire hearth and home to me. I was not a guest, I was a part of.
I made her a grandmother two short years later. If she was not thrilled over the fact, or the choice of mates her son had picked, she never ever said. Not by word or deed. I am sure that she would have preferred that we had gotten married THEN started a family, but again, she never ever made me feel bad about the order it happened. It would surprise me if she was thrilled with me becoming a addition to her family on a permanent basis. I had already tortured her son in our relationship. Had it been MY son I would not have been thrilled.
Whatever she felt though, she made the best of the fact that I was there to stay, along with her granddaughter. She did like being a Nana!!!
She was not a spoil them rotten Nana, she was a sit back and enjoy them Nana. She baby proofed the house and picked up some toys that were forever Nana toys. Some spare diapers, baby food .... No converting a room into a nursery though. She was a very busy lady. And though she would happily watch the kids if she could, she was not a full time babysitter thank you very much. I grew up watching my own mother watch her grand kids ~ to the point that she went out and got a job so she could not watch them all the time. Ruth already had the job, and a life. I think it is wonderful that she kept them!!
One time, and one time only can I think of that I really could have killed her. I am still shaking my head over this today ..... She CUT MY DAUGHTERS HAIR!!!!!!!!!!! VERY VERY VERY BADLY!!!!!!!! And I am sure she is in heaven right now shaking her head with me and laughing ... it did grow back. That was the one and only time she ever did anything to piss me off. And we did get over it.
Sunday dinners at Nana's. I have missed those for years. A ham, a turkey, pasta ... depended on her mood. You could come or not ....it was not obligatory..... but it was your loss to miss out on the food. We went most Sundays. I can in fact just about smell the cooking in the kitchen. The boys would hang out in the living room watching whatever ... and her daughters and daughter-in-laws would sit in the kitchen drinking tea and instant coffee. We talked about everything and nothing at all. She would tell stories about her own children and we would share what the grand kids had been up too. It was a peaceful time.
Things change, time changes .... She moved in with her oldest daughter, the kids were growing up and into different things .... She retired and and was very busy with the seniors of her town ... Sunday dinners stopped. Like I said, I have been missing them for a long time.
Life got busy. But when we did see her, the comfort of Ruth was still there. I still swear she was busier in retirement than she was when she worked full time!! That women was a dynamo!!
I am sitting here now, just flashing back on all the many wonderful good times we had. What a wonderful good time lady she was. I miss her. I don't have words for all the things I am thinking of her. She raised good children. Yup, even the ones who don't like me I still respect their mother in them. Her heart was big and deep. She was smart, very smart!! I know that in the time I knew her I learned, and am a better person for having her in my life. I hope, and pray, that my own daughter will be like her Nana. Smart, independent, caring, loving, doing!!
Ruth, if you are looking down from heaven, know that I miss you and love you still and always.

Dirty Laundry

Step four ~ made a searching and fearless inventory

Does not sound that hard right? Until you actually sit down and try and do it!!

It has been interesting in the awol to see how others perceive Step 4. There is a mix of sobriety in the group, for some of us this will be our first attempt at Step 4, others have done several. Last night we talked about some of the "stuff" that has been plaguing us in our sobriety. As we went over different character defects people would share an experience of their own that related. I can't say that is the "norm" for Step 4 work or for an awol, but it is how this little group is working through it.

We all seem to have different yet similar ideas on what this Step will do for us. My own conclusion ....... Well you would have to know the t.v. commercial I am talking about to really get it ... The commercial has a huge GINORMOUS ball of dirty laundry rolling through yards, fences, playgrounds destroying everything in its path. It stops in the back yard of a family that had been peacefully relaxing, playing with the dog, enjoying life. Months of dirty laundry can be pretty scary says the commercial voice. The scenes flashes to the mother folding laundry with stacks and stacks and stacks of clean folded clothes in the background. The little boy goes over to the laundry basket and gives it a kick " not so scary now are you!"

That my friends, for ME, is Step 4. The entire laundry analogy fits. I came into this program with a great big ole freaking ball of dirty laundry. Tons and TONS of it!! It destroyed everything in its path and allowed no peace in my life. Very intimidating to look at. Over the course of the past three years I have been able to do some small loads here and there. But there is still a lot left to do!!! So now I approach Step Four the way I would doing laundry. I am going to have to start by sorting, the colors of my character defects ( fearful, anger, insecure, resentful, lazy, false pride, etc...) Then I have the heavy stuff ~ the jeans and sweatshirts that weigh more, take longer to dry ~ family, the people I really screwed over. Then the delicate, fragile things that might have to be hand washed. ~ family again, and my own heart. Step Four gives me the fancy shmancy washer and dryer on that commercial to work with. I can do some really big loads, along with those delicate. I can get it all done, just not in one day.

And see, the thing about laundry is, no matter how much you do, there is more. Step 10!!! I can do it on a daily basis after I get this monstrosity behind me. And because this is a life long program, when the time comes for me to do Step Four again, I am sure I will have another basket ready. It might just be washing the summer clothes, or the start of another scary ball!! Depends on how well I do step 10!!

So .... Off to the laundromat!!!!

mirmar

Ahhh .... Mirmar, how do I love thee ... let me count the ways ..............





When it comes right down to it, I don't really have the words to describe all I get out of retreat weekend at Mirmar. The basic fact is no matter how I walk through the door, I am improved when I walk out.





The very first trip to Mirmar I really had no clue what to expect. I knew it was a Catholic retreat center and the weekend was called Serenity Retreat and was based on the steps of AA. I knew I would know a couple of people and that was about it. I went because a trio of AA friends said I should not miss it. Ok, nothing ventured, nothing gained!! Thank You God for leading me to that retreat. What a wonderful and amazing part of my recovery it has become.





Each time there is a topic, a little something to think about. Each time there is someone there who has some serious pain going on in their heart. Each time there is healing. Each time there are people who are struggling, either with their program, God, family, work ... some sort of struggle. Each time they get to leave a bit of the struggle behind for at least a few days. Each time there is food ... lots and lots and lots of food!! Each time I am pampered and rested with a full belly and a full heart. Each time it is a new adventure of self and of opening my heart a little wider to let God in. Each time God grows in my heart my heart grows bigger. Each time my heart grows bigger I am able to let more love both in and out. Each time a new voice enters my road of recovery. Each time I learn. Each time I am amazed at the fortitude of my fellow man. Each time I pray. Each time, it is better than the last time.





Who knew that life, never mind sober life, could be this good. Filled with so many blessing both great and small. And that is what Mirmar is for me, blessings both great and small all weekend long!

mirmar

Willful Ways ......

So, if I am doing step 3 correct .............. then my day is in fact none of my business. By turning my will over to my Higher Power, I am giving Him the ok to call the shots for the day. I am willing to go along with what He says.
Its a good thing it says "to practice" these steps to the best of our ability!!!
When I was drinking, I was a victim of myself, and "self will run riot". If God had any ideas of how He thought my day should go, I was very quick to shut Him out. I knew best. HA!!
But how do I know that I AM doing Gods will instead of mine? It is not like He sends me a daily itinerary or fax of "things to do".
I don't think there is a clear cut way to determine it. I just don't. But I did hear last night a good yardarm to go by. If I am about to do something, and it is making me edgy or uncomfortable in ANY way .... stop. Be still. Just wait. If I am feeling serene about what I am doing, then it is ok. I am good to go!! The other thing that I have heard and read I believe in the 12 & 12 is that it really is not a smart idea on my part to think I do in fact KNOW what God's will is for me. I need to talk to people about what is going on in life, to get their take on what should or should not be done. God's will may then become clear. Maybe. Until then, I should just be still. Wait.
As usual, I heard, learned many many good things last night at the awol. I am so glad I that am able to take part in it. I feel good about it. I am constantly surprised at how much of it already feels right in my life. I know that is in large part from going to the step meeting for two years. I learned much more than I thought. I absorbed WAY more that I thought. The path that stretches out before me is a lifetime long and again, if I am doing this right it is none of my business were it leads me, I just have to be willing to follow and keep my mind and heart open to new lessons.

cotton candy ~ a food group????

As much as I would like it to be so, the good dr. told me that Cotton Candy is NOT a food group. But other than that and cut back on the caffine, I got a clean bill of health.

The Cotton Candy thing is killing me though. What started as a ~how cool I can make Cotton Candy whenever I want to, plus it is good to check out the machines ~ has become my new addiction. I can hardly walk by the damn thing without whipping up a "little" batch!! UGGGHH!! I know I have to stop. Between the CC and crunching on ice, I don't even want to know what the dentist would have to say ..

So I am thinking that insanity is still a key part of my mindset ...

That God Thing ..... Again

I am sure I will have more thoughts a pinging around when we get to step 3 with the awol, but God has His place in my thoughts now with step 2.
One of the things I really really like about AA is that I don't have to believe WHAT you believe. And nobody has to believe what or how I believe. It does seem that the majority of people, at least around the AA I go to, end up with God, and usually the Christian God. We have a few and then some CIA around here ( Catholic Irish Alcoholic ), so I think falling back into what you were brought up with is the way to go for most. Pretty much that is were I am. I still don't have a lot of faith in religion, but I do have faith in God.
Belief in a power greater than yourself, if you allow it, can really take the pressure off. I am finding more and more how nice it is to have this friend with me throughout the day and all things. I still have to remind myself, that no, I can't make it rain and there are many other things I am better of turning over. Progress not perfection.
Step 2 opens the door for a power greater than yourself to come in. I have always held a belief, very undefined, in a God, again undefined. I also figured for me to get the way I was, He did not like me to very much. That was a big one to get over. The more I think about this step, and how I got to the point I am at with it today, it really was osmosis!! Well, not all of it. I went to meetings, I went to step meetings, I listened, and in my pea brain bits and parts started to make a good kind of sense. I had to get over the "I am not worthy of Gods Love". Today I know I am. But walking through the doors of AA bruised and battered ......... I did not think it mattered HOW much I believed in a Power Greater Than Myself ... there was no way I was worthy of It's help.
Kind of like how I have no clue when I crossed the line into outright alcoholism, I don't know when I stopped believing I was not worthy. Even at my worst, I am worthy. And if I can accept that, then I can accept the help I will get from Him. Or Her ..........

Insane??? Who ~ ME????

Well, yes ME!! Step 2 Came to Believe a Power Greater Than Ourselves Can Restore Us To Sanity. Ok, but that means having to admit that I was insane if I need to be restored to sanity. I did not like that step all that much at first. Who wants to admit to being nuts AND alcoholic? One or the other please, not BOTH!!
I will admit, in the first go round I would have rather ed be insane. Then I could drink right? Not. Once I did get into the steps ... just the little baby toe on my left foot dipping in ... I really did not like the label of insane. I read what it had to say in the 12 & 12, and listened at the step meetings, and although it made sense I did not like it. I did not identify with it. I had done some stupid things, but I was not insane.
Two years straight of going to the step meetings, and regular meetings, without me even knowing it I started to resemble that step. I got the part about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results being a definition of insanity. After all, how many hundreds of times did I walk into a bar and KNOW that I was just going to have ONE drink. This time it will be different. And it never was. If for some reason I did actually limit myself to one or two drinks that day, I always made up for it the next time I drank. Insane.
Last night at the awol, we read some examples from the little red book. I found myself nodding my head FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM!! Insane?? Ya think??
Today though, I am walking around a little lighter in the soul department. Last night I really really was able to admit without reservation that yes, I WAS insane. Knowing that, accepting that, and key word being WAS ... really did bump me up a notch in my recovery. I feel better today. Admitting to the insane behaviour that was me did not buy me a stay in a padded room, it opened another door to recovery for me. The benches in this new room might be padded for safety reasons, but also for comfort.