Happy New Year!!!

Three years of being sober. Amazing. When I started on this road, I was not sure if I was not in fact one of those who would be incapable of being completely honest, and therefore was doomed to drink again. I kind of looked at that line as my "out" if I drank again. I think that is why I hold so tight onto the fact that this is a disease and not a moral issue. If I based my recovery on my moral standing at the time, then I would certainly have failed.

When I made my way back into the halls after a brief yet forever period of six months or so, I had pushed all the buttons on the elevator to hell and got good and stuck on that second to last floor. I say second because I have no doubt in my mind that if I were to go out again, my life would descend yet another level into the bowels of hell. It would get worse. Fact. As to if I could get out of it, I don't know. I won't say absolutely not, because God forbid I do fall down. I won't take away all hope. I fear that I would not make it back though. More don't than do, and I am so grateful that I got back the first time. I have a much further distance to fall now too. That fall could kill me right off the bat. Scary. Very scary.

So here I am today, 3 years and some days into being a sober person. And life is pretty good. Far from perfect, way very far from perfect!! lol But I am sober, healthy, and my life is chock full of wonderful people. So my wallet may have dust in it, but my bank account is filled with gold. I am grateful.

I have some uphill climbs facing me at the moment. Like far to many right now, money being a huge issue. I have some health issues (nothing major) that need to be addressed, and money plays a part in what I can do. That is just plain sucky. I have itchy feet living at home right now, and I am waiting to see what God has to say about that ... lol Again comes back to money first. Then is it the best and smartest thing to do to move out??? That's a big can of worms. HUGE muddy gross. Oh the list goes on. But that's ok. If it was all perfect then something would be very wrong!!!!!!

One day, one hour, one minute at a time it will all get worked out to be just what it is suppose to be. I know I am not going to starve or have to run around naked.......... lol I also know that I will keep going to meetings, and be amazed at the people who have made their way back from that lower level of hell. I will be impressed with how they deal with life on life's terms TODAY. I will learn. I will accept that what is most important for me to do today is God's will, not mine. Ok, I will TRY REALLY REALLY HARD to accept that!!!! Always easier to do when things are going the way I want them to.

Year four will have new adventures, like the sober football game. New friends. So many new things will happen......... when it comes right down to it, I am excited about life. Bad stuff will happen too I am sure. I won't drink. Good or bad, as long as I keep doing what I am doing, and keep trying to do a little bit more than that!!!

My new year has begun!! Happy New Year!!!

Sober Fun

Just how fun can sober be?? TONS!!! Last night was another first for me in sobriety. A football game with three other sober woman. And yah know what? It was awesome!!

It was my second sober football game, and I had a great time at that as well. But last night was extra cool being in the company of three amazing wonderful sober women. We shared sober talk as well as everyday talk. It is amazing to me though how all of us apply the steps in our everyday life. Or at least try to. Not that that is how the converstation went ... "I went to the store and applied step 6 ......" No, not at all. But for myself, being aware of how the steps work in my life, listening and also knowing a bit about these gals, I could see how it is working in their lives. That was pretty damn cool too.

So today I am a little tired, legs hurt from walking, but my heart is happy. I had fun last night. And I am still new enough at this sober life that a fun night like that still amazes me. I did not have to drink to enjoy myself. And unlike say another 40,000 people or so who were also there last night .. I have no hangover today!!

Yup, life IS good!!

10 years ago .......

Tomorrow I turn 40. Happy to me ;) So today is 'birthday eve". Ten years ago, if my birthday fell on a Saturday, the party would have started no later than Thursday and continued ..... who knows!! I do remember for my 30Th I did not want a big deal. Looking back, or thinking back on it the reasons are a little more clear. There is no way that anyone could have put on a party that would have been "just what I wanted", so therefor I did not want a party. What would have been "just what I wanted" ... that I don't know, nor do I think I knew then. I just know it would not have been good enough. Not what I wanted. Again, not that I really knew what I wanted. Just that I wanted more more more and would not get it, so what was the point. And it not getting any anything, I knew I then had a "good" reason to go hang out at the bars. Or buy a case and drink it all. I wanted what I could not have, and did not want what I could have, and could not even name what it was I wanted. That was then.

Today........ I am not thrilled with the fact that I am hours away from entering yet another decade of life. 40 might be the new 30, but in my books it is still 40!! But neither am I depressed over the fact. 40 has some real potential after all. I have a slew of nieces and nephews that have the potential to marry and present me with more little babies to love love love!! And although I am hoping for some serious lag time between the now and when, my own child could potentially get married and have babies in the next ten years. So 40's may equal grammy. (50's would be better though....) 40 is going to bring new adventures in work. I have the opportunity to grow this business, and who knows what else!! 40 offers the chance to continue to make and maintain mature friendships (and immature friends ...;).

Most significant to me, 40 offers a new decade with out drinking. I am not one to say from the podium I had my first drink when I was 3 ... I don't know about that lol!! I do know that my brother and I use to sneak "licks" of the green stuff, kind of minty sweet sugary ... Some sort of schnapps or something that my parents kept in a decanter. We would unstop it and lick the cap. Don't know that I ever caught a buzz off it ... we just liked the sugar. But it was booze. So if I take that into consideration that makes being 40 even more special. It truly and really has the potential to be the first decade in my entire life that alcohol will not be a part of. I really really like that idea.

I am not going crazy trying to "project" the future. Today I am giving it some thought is all. I know damn straight that if that future has a chance at all, then I have to keep it all in today. One day. One more day. So today is my last day of being 39, and I will celebrate by not drinking. Tomorrow I enter the new decade of living, and have the gift of being able to do it sober. I will continue to do what I do to the best of my ability. Hopefully ~ and I don't use that word as a cop out~ I will continue to grow, to grow up, to expand my world and enjoy it .. all sober. One, just one .. day at a time.