Tomorrow I turn 40. Happy to me ;) So today is 'birthday eve". Ten years ago, if my birthday fell on a Saturday, the party would have started no later than Thursday and continued ..... who knows!! I do remember for my 30Th I did not want a big deal. Looking back, or thinking back on it the reasons are a little more clear. There is no way that anyone could have put on a party that would have been "just what I wanted", so therefor I did not want a party. What would have been "just what I wanted" ... that I don't know, nor do I think I knew then. I just know it would not have been good enough. Not what I wanted. Again, not that I really knew what I wanted. Just that I wanted more more more and would not get it, so what was the point. And it not getting any anything, I knew I then had a "good" reason to go hang out at the bars. Or buy a case and drink it all. I wanted what I could not have, and did not want what I could have, and could not even name what it was I wanted. That was then.
Today........ I am not thrilled with the fact that I am hours away from entering yet another decade of life. 40 might be the new 30, but in my books it is still 40!! But neither am I depressed over the fact. 40 has some real potential after all. I have a slew of nieces and nephews that have the potential to marry and present me with more little babies to love love love!! And although I am hoping for some serious lag time between the now and when, my own child could potentially get married and have babies in the next ten years. So 40's may equal grammy. (50's would be better though....) 40 is going to bring new adventures in work. I have the opportunity to grow this business, and who knows what else!! 40 offers the chance to continue to make and maintain mature friendships (and immature friends ...;).
Most significant to me, 40 offers a new decade with out drinking. I am not one to say from the podium I had my first drink when I was 3 ... I don't know about that lol!! I do know that my brother and I use to sneak "licks" of the green stuff, kind of minty sweet sugary ... Some sort of schnapps or something that my parents kept in a decanter. We would unstop it and lick the cap. Don't know that I ever caught a buzz off it ... we just liked the sugar. But it was booze. So if I take that into consideration that makes being 40 even more special. It truly and really has the potential to be the first decade in my entire life that alcohol will not be a part of. I really really like that idea.
I am not going crazy trying to "project" the future. Today I am giving it some thought is all. I know damn straight that if that future has a chance at all, then I have to keep it all in today. One day. One more day. So today is my last day of being 39, and I will celebrate by not drinking. Tomorrow I enter the new decade of living, and have the gift of being able to do it sober. I will continue to do what I do to the best of my ability. Hopefully ~ and I don't use that word as a cop out~ I will continue to grow, to grow up, to expand my world and enjoy it .. all sober. One, just one .. day at a time.
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