Self Esteem

Tonight one of the speakers said a number of things I could identify with.

The one that really hit me was the many many times he would go to bed/ pass out, asking God to take his life. I was there. For many reasons, my nephew committing suicide, and my daughter being two big ones, I knew I would not attempt to take my own life. But I would pray that God would just "take me". I don't know how many times I prayed that.

The guy tonight said about 6 months into sobriety he was thinking of those days, and it came to him that God DID in fact take his life. Took it and gave him a new one. Completely blew my mind. Wow. Yup. Thank You God!!!!

It was just what I needed to hear tonight. I had been gazing at the pity pot most of the day. One of the houses I had to clean today was a former classmate. Just not a good feeling. Felt like I had a big L stamped on my head. Happy for her that things are going well, she was always a good person way back when. But still felt crummy that "my life today" is living with my parents and cleaning houses.

Once we left that house and went on to the next, I was able to put most of it in perspective. Honest days pay, honest days work, and I am really grateful to HAVE a job right now, and the blessing of living at home are many.

Hearing this guy talk though, really put the brakes on the self pity. God has given me a new life. He was that good to me. He gave me a second chance. It may never be in the cards for me to have a big house w/ a cleaning service. Thats ok. I HAVE so much. And I continue to receive so many gifts in sobriety. Like that guy tonight. And all the people I have in my life today because of AA.

Thank You God!!

Some Are Sicker Than Others

~~ And I am pretty sick!!!



Those of you that know me, know that is a fact. But you love me anyways ;) God bless you for that.



Today though, the sick is a cold of the New England Winter variety. The sick part of it is that while being slightly whiny about being sick, I am also ... grateful. What? Yes, grateful.



My head is stuffed up, my eyes feel like they want to pop out, my stomach is queasy, and I have no motivation to do anything. What does that sound like? Like my old life on a daily basis with the self inflicted misery of alcohol abuse. And I called that fun. I would wake up like that every morning. Swear it would be the last time. Then that afternoon .... well hell, it was not THAT bad. And off I would go, to do it all over again.

Today I have freedom from that old life.

~ I started writing this post on Sunday, today is Tuesday, and already I feel SOOOO much better. By the end of the week I should be at least 95% better. Having this cold did serve as a reminder of all those little day to day gifts I have in my life now that I am sober. Didn't stop me from being a little bit whiny, I don't do sick well. Baby.

Yet same as with sobriety, if I don't want to get sick again there are things I have to do. And just as important, things I should not do if I want to continue to be better. Sobriety, AA, the 12 steps has given me back a few brain cells to keep me on track with my health over all. To the best of my ability at any rate. So today will be another day of trying to relax and take it easy. Drink lots of water and stay warm. The world will continue to spin if I take a nap this afternoon.

Dance With God

(click on image to enlarge)

Thank you my lovely friend for sharing this poem with me (us). I did do a google search in hopes of being able to give the author credit, I could find the poem, but not the author. So who ever you are, Thank YOU too for these inspiring words.

Gifts

Let them eat cake!!! Cookies and brownies too!!!

Tonight one of the guys brought in amazing fantastic awesome brownies. I was lucky enough to be one of the people he shared with. ( Yes, I whined a bit..) So there we were, stuffing our faces and rolling our eyes enjoying our brownies when Bill W. pipes up with, " Do you think to be grateful for something like this? Think about it, if you were drinking, would you have even tried this brownie?" Nope. I use to think I did not like sweets, once I got sober I discovered that it was beer and cake that did not mix, not me and cake. Cake and I get along a little to well in sobriety ... lol

But Bill was so right, what a gift, on so many levels. The fact that I DO like these things, and WILL try them, and enjoy them ever so much (Dave, thanks again for the brownies you are my hero) That this is my life now, being able to sit with some awesome people and enjoy brownies for no reason. That I have these awesome people in my life.

There are times throughout my day that the gifts of sobriety are obvious to me, eating a brownie was not really on the list, until today. A very good reminder for me too how important ALL these gifts are. How good, how much better these gifts are, when I take the time to see them. I get to enjoy them twice as much :)

So, Thank You God, for clean socks, awesome brownies, and the most wonderful people on earth.

The Promises

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

(Alcoholics Anonymous, the Big Book)

Last night my AWOL group went over steps 8 & 9. Complete with reading from the Big Book, and reading the promises. I actually got a glimmer of WHY the promises are not until this step. A few weeks ago someone from the podium mentioned that the promises do not happen until after step 9. Being me, I got a resentment. That person was wrong, the promises are coming true in my life right now. Big Book thumper ...

The fact of the matter is, they ARE and HAVE been coming true in my life since the first day I really put myself in AA. But last night, after going over 8 & 9, reading from the Big Book, and talking about the steps, I understood more about the how's and whys of those promises and there fulfilment in my life. And why it is not until the completion of step 9 that they really come true.

One line that sticks out, was my light bulb turning on, is "Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us". I could never really figure that line out before. How could the fear of not having enough money leave me? I am always going to worry about money. And there were always be people that scare me a little..... there will always be something!!! After reading, and talking last night, I get it. Or at least I get it for me. If I am painstaking in the working of these steps, 8 & 9 in particular, I will have really cleared my side of the street. I will have made my amends to the people that I have "wronged", I will be doing the best I can to make restitution for owed money. I won't have to fear the phone, the mail, or running into people from my past.

Then, as I continue on my journey in sobriety, and continue to work the steps, I should not be putting myself in situations that piss people off. Thinking about that today, the past three years, I have not really done stuff to piss people off. Can't count my ex, he was pissed to begin with!!

The past three years has been about showing up to a step meeting, getting what I could out of it, trying to apply as much as I could in my life. Because it is a program of progress and not perfection, I have made progress. Doing this AWOL, I have made bigger progress. And when the AWOL is done, I will go back to my step meeting with a much better understanding of what I need to be doing on a daily basis to continue making progress. Pretty nice.

Stuff ~

It has been a very busy week. I had work of some sort or another every day, meetings every night, and fighting off a cold. Pretty much a bushwhacked kind of week.

Today I went with my group on a commitment. It was a return commitment to the group that my good friend Steady Eddie used to belong. I never made it to that meeting while he was alive, although he invited me on a regular basis. I never went for two reasons, lazy did not want to get up and moving on a Saturday morning, and fear. The meeting is in the fringes of Boston. Boston is BIG SCARY CITY. I did not want to drive. I always built up all kinds of scary situations for if I went. Even today I was more that a little bit worried about the drive, the parking, the neighborhood. I could have built it up built it up, and stayed home. But I did not. Progress. I invited a friend, not a friend of Bill, but huge friend of Kris :). I was going to ask (tell) him to drive. But I mapquested the meeting, have a gps, and a friend in the car. I can do this. And I did!! I only freaked out a little tiny bit about the parking. Progress.

It is taking those little steps, and being able to SEE that I am taking them. Last year I would either have not taken the step, or if I had, not seen it for the positive change in me that it is. I like this being aware, and more open to changes person I am becoming. Lots and lots of work left to do though.

So now I am home, and figured in for the day/night. We are due another snow storm at some point or another. I went on the commitment this morning, so figured I could skate on the detox tonight. I also know that there is a good size group going to the de-tox so I am not "needed". God has other plans for me. A good AA friend called, and we agreed she needed a meeting tonight. So we will go to the detox together. I am kind of hoping I can skate on the talking part, my brain is fried, but if I get called, well, Gods plan not mine. As I said to my friend, even just being the body that cared enough to show up sends a strong message. So I will be a body that cares enough to show up. Just hope I stay awake too ... lol

Windshield Wipers

Yes, windshield wipers. And God doing his God thing again.

During last weeks New Years Eve storm my windshield wipers got thrashed. I was one of those dopes who "ran just one more errand" before heading home. Dumb. I was a good girl though and went out NY's day to buy wipers. Even thought I was a cool chix using the computer at Walmart to purchase the correct size ... yah right!! Got them home, wrong size. I brought them back yesterday, and the computer told me to buy the same ones so I figured I should go someplace else to buy them.

I was going to buy them this afternoon. Want them on before whatever happens happens tonight!! But I drove right by the auto part store .. too crowded. Figured I would get to it.... Have I ever mentioned what a lazy procrastinator I can be?? I was hungry and cranky .. just didn't feel like it. So off I go to 5 Guys Burgers and Frys (very very good btw).

Now for God doing His God thing........

I got on the WRONG exit!! I only drive this way at least once a week!! Not a real big deal, just a dumb ass move. Figured I would just turn around. As I get to the top of the exit though, what is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET??? Another Auto Part store. Ok, ok, I get the drift. Wish all of God's little messages were so clear!! lol

And if we are in any doubt that this is a God thing ..... as I get out of my car one of the auto stores cars starts beeping at me ... the driver is waving away at me, big smile on his face. My own personal Bill W. from my step meeting!!! You know God is involved if a AA person shows up too... lol So we chit chat for a few and one of his co/workers comes back from lunch and Bill sets me up with the guy for new wipers and installation. Sike!! Wiper installation is just not something I am good at .....

It is just a fun little story about how I can see God doing His God thing in my life. He is involved in so many facets, I don't see it all the time. So it is always nice to have a in your face here I am :)

Grad-ah-tude

As you can see, my niece and I did make it sledding on Friday. Gift of sobriety. Going sledding with that little girl would have been a un-kept promise if I was still drinking. For one thing, I am sure I would have been hung over. I would have canceled saying a had a cold or the flu or something, and I probably would have believed that was the reason too. Thank God that is not the way I live today.

Because that is not how I live, I was able to take that little girl sledding for her very first time ever. And she "knew she really really loved sledding even though she had never gone before". Just so very neat to be able to spend the day with her like that. How BIG her eyes got when she saw the hill. Her willingness to try, even though I could tell she was a little scared, and the great big grin on her face after our first run down the hill. I got to be a part of that. Because I am sober, because her mom trust me with the care of her daughter, because I am sober, because I woke up that morning instead of "coming too". Gifts.

One of the things in life that I have always enjoyed are children. This little girls mom is my oldest niece, and she is just 7 years younger than me. Babies, toddlers, little kids, have been a part of my life since I was one!! As soon as I was able too I started babysitting. I was always watching my nieces and nephews when I was in my teens. I went right from my teens into my twenties and motherhood. I will admit that I slacked off a bit as the good auntie once I became a mommy, but I still loved to have the kids over. It was rare for hubby to come home and I did not have additional children in the house.

Then the drinking started to take off. As the drinking increased, the frequency of having other kids over went down. I did not enjoy it as much (it cut into my drinking). The kids were also getting older and Aunties house was not the thing to do. Could be part of why the drinking increased as well, I was suffering from empty nest syndrome!! Well, it could!! I was still very active in my daughters activity's, but the enjoyment was not there the way it would have been if I was not drinking. I know that now. She still got a pretty good mom, despite what she thinks at times, but I could have been much better. MUCH. That was then.

Now, having gone through so much angst as a parent, I really really enjoy being a Auntie and surrogate Auntie to friends children. I am able to do things, and take a great enjoyment in the doing because of what I have learned through AA. Back to having fun. I did not get sober to spend all my time at meetings, (though they are a BIG part of my life too!!). I got sober to be a person again. With a life. With the kids.

Yup, GRAD~AH~TUDE!!!!

Happy 2009!!!

(image from NASA website)

May this year bring joy, peace, and much love to all!!!!

My fifth sober New Years. Wicked Freaking Awesome :)

I was trying to think, and yes it hurt my head, if I had had a sober NY's before coming to AA. Not counting the ones when I was a little kid. I may have up until my 21'st birthday. I really can't remember. I kind of remember a party when I was 17, but I can't remember if I got high before I went. One of the things I do remember was that I was disappointed that there was NO booze or drugs. I felt I got ripped off. So, if that is how I felt at 17, and I was not drinking then on a regular basis at all, does it mean that my alcoholism HAD already started? Honestly it does not matter for me now. I am a alcoholic and that's that. But it does make me wonder, and worry more about the kids in my family and extended family. Not that it does any good to worry ... but I still do.

Anyways, my thoughts are pretty scattered today, that was then and this is now. I have today, and today is the first day of sobriety I have in 2009. Well, it will be once I lay my head down tonight. I feel pretty good about making it through the day.

I have no idea what 2009 will have in store for me. Some good, some not so good I am sure. I think I would like to make it a fun year. That does not mean I am heading to Disney Word (although I wouldn't MIND that). This past year, though filled with some great and awesome things, was a wee bit depressing too. I don't think you can live in the US right now and not be bummed out about money matters. This year, I want to take as much enjoyment as I can. Maybe plan less things and spend more time on the things I do plan. Ease up on life a bit. Relax, enjoy, and see the fun it what I am doing. Simple stuff, silly stuff. Laugh more.

My sister and I were home alone the other night. We were giggling like little kids because we got pizza for dinner instead of making what had been pulled out of the freezer, we also .. no telling on us ... ate in the living room!! Mind you, whenever there is a family gathering we eat there so it really was not a big deal, just not something we "do". So silly as that was, it was fun. Then ... we are easily amused too ... we took the picture my niece had sent, stuck a teeny little Santa hat on it, and took pictures of the picture with all the Christmas decorations (singing Hallmark penguins, things like that) Again, it was silly, but it was fun. I made a smile box creation out of it and sent it to everyone .... so then they had fun too. Little itty bitty fun ... but still, fun.

I was suppose to take another niece sledding today .... tooooooo cold. Not fun. So rather than both of us be cold and crabby I re-scheduled for tomorrow when it will be a balmy 32 out. THEN it will be fun. It is making those type of little adjustments, that's what I need to do to have more FUN this year.

So here's to a FUN, SOBER year for all!!!