MirAmar

This is the view from the patio area ........ if you are using the zoom on the camera, otherwise it is a big ole honking mc mansion. I have been told, repeatedly, that once upon a time it was all view. I never saw it to miss it, so I love what I do get. Even if I have to zoom in to get it!

I am not sure what I want to talk about regarding this retreat. The theme on Friday was the slogans of AA. Keep It Simple, One Day At A Time, WE Can, Easy Does It .... ALL the slogans. The focus by the end of the weekend was on FEEL, DEAL, HEAL.

As with every retreat I have been on, there are people who come through the door and the pain of life on life's terms just radiates off them. They are tight looking. Death, sickness, divorce, family, work, money ......... life. It is overwhelming them. Some come seeking the love and help to get over the crisis, other because they had paid for the room before the crisis hit.

Some are brave enough to share that first night in the open meeting, others in the small group, and others still just one on one a little bit at a time. I am sure too that there are some that never bring it to the table either. I pray hardest for them.

Never though does one person, one problem, take over the entire retreat. At least not when I have gone. Nor does the pain, problems, just plain bad crap take over. Instead I see a depth of love, care, and honesty shared. Feel, Deal, Heal. Laughter, oh so much laughter. You see, can actually SEE people unclench ... even if it is just a finger. Their heads lift up just a bit. Just a bit is such a good start.

As for the rest of us, with our smaller issues. We talk too. We draw strength from the people who walked in with the mountains on their shoulders. They have THIS going on, and they are HERE, not at a bar. They have THIS going on, and they are TRYING to move on. Their issues may be bigger, but that does not take away from the smaller issues. Instead, two things are going on. Learning. Learning how to DEAL, big or small. Giving. Giving those hugs, laughs, love, to help each other, and small issues just get smaller. Awesome.

For some reason the pattern of the patio area fascinated me this weekend. Just the texture of the stones, the way they fit together, and the view if you were like me and tucked in the corner hiding from the wind. It is kind of like the retreat itself. Some stones bigger than others, facing different ways, gaps between them, cracked... But taken at a whole, make up a whole, and a whole beautiful vista. WE CAN

Playing …..

Added a new thing , checking to see if it works.  So this post is really not a post… lol

Away away 'O

To Miramar I go!!! What wonders will await me this time? I know I shall find a peace that is unique to both the people and the place.

The countdown started pretty much the second I made the reservations. Just knowing in my heart that I had the retreat to look forward too ... well it made some bad days tolerable. I was a little disappointed this week to find out that a few people I thought would be going are not. And then I found out some other people I did not think would be going back, are!! And then .. tonight someone I did not know was even thinking of going will be there. And God was good and let me talk with this person for a few minutes tonight so that I knew a little more than I would. That is how God works with me .... sometimes ..lol

We leave tomorrow at 3, we will get there by 4. I Can't Wait!!!!!!!

Step 9

This is the step I have struggled with the most. MY thinking is let sleeping dogs ...........

I understand the need for it. I want the relief that will come with doing this step. But I have struggled a lot with it. How to do it, when to do it, what do I say when I do it. I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think of all the people I SHOULD make amends too!!! I think of the things I have done .... Fear and shame fill me.

I have had some little tiny baby step progress though. I have been talking with both AA people and my "house" family. I have been sincere in my heart about wanting to do this step, it has been the HOW. Honesty, Open mind, and Willing. That's what I had to start with. Again, baby steps, made a few.

Now, God doing His God thing again :

Step nine has not been to far from my mind. When ever I would drive by a former job place, I would think about how I should make amends. I just KNEW the guy I worked for would laugh his head off if I ever walked in and said " Hi, I am in AA now and want to tell you how sorry I am for drinking all your beer". No way would he get it.

Tonight, before going on a commitment with my new group that I joined last Friday, I was working on my amends to the rest of my family. Again, baby steps.

Get to the meeting and for what ever reason tonight I was really really nervous about talking. Heart pounding, shaking .. I had to keep my hands behind my back because the podium was shaking too!! Once I got going I was ok. Included in my story the part about drinking off the keg at work.

Here comes the God part ...

After the meeting, doing a little chit chatting .... and who jumps in front of me " HI KRIS". If you guessed my former employer you win!! Talk about a "oh shit" moment. Well, damn. No coincidences in AA. So I told him about my struggle as to making amends to him. And I apologized for all the beer I drank. And he gave me a hug and said it was ok, he was doing the same thing. And just like that, that one is off my list.

But it was a set up. I join a group Friday, work on my amends today, go with the new group ...'come on!!

Thank You God. Thank You.

Awakening of Spirit

The last couple of meetings for the AWOL we discussed having a “spiritual awakening”. It does say in Step 12 “Having had a spiritual awaking …” Most of the woman had some sort of significant experience. Like Bill W. they had a “hot flash”. A major how else to you explain this other than spiritual!!! Direct contact with the God of their understanding. It was pretty amazing, and humbling.

When it was my turn to speak, I did not have a knock your socks off spiritual awakening to share. No trumpets, bright lights, or ethereal hugs. What I have, what I am able to share is just as big though. At least for me.

I have awareness and acceptance. Things I did not have before joining AA, at least not to the extent I do now. Awareness of all the little God things in my life, as I have shared here in this blog a number of times. God doing his God thing. I love it when I catch onto one of those moments. It truly lifts me up. Awareness of how rich and wonderful my life is, even on the bad days, for the wonderful people God has put into my life. The awareness that the things I learn from these people are also gifts from God. The fact that I am learning, gift from God. And much much more.

Acceptance too has many different facets that create my spiritual awakening. Right off the bat, the fact that I believe the stories people share of their own “hot flash”. I don’t doubt it. Acceptance of the things I have become aware of, and that they are gifts from God. Hand in hand for me, acceptance and awareness. My own gifts from God on a daily basis.

One of the things said at the AWOL that has also altered how I viewed this entire spiritual awakening, something that absolutely FLUNG OPEN the door to a new way of thinking. Reverse it … instead of having a spiritual awakening, which does bring to mind the trumpets and bright lights … same words, different order … I have had an Awakening of Spirit. Wow.

When that was said, I have to admit it rocked my world. It really showed me what was at the very core of MY recovery. For as long as I can remember, I “just wanted to be happy”. I just had no clue as to how to go about it. I thought the fun I was having at the bar was as good as it was ever going to get. Now I take those words, and apply them to my life today, and you better believe I have had an awakening of spirit!! Back to the awareness, and acceptance being the core of it. AA is about change, and I have changed. Each change brings about additional “awakening”. Growth.

This is a subject that I really could go on and on and on and on and on…… It truly is wonderful to know that I have had a spiritual awakening, in the form of an awakening spirit. And I still have not rubbed the sleep out of my eyes ……..

Meetings

So much is fizzing in my head right now. Tonight's meeting was another one were I wanted to rip the hair out of my head. I am trying so hard to find "purpose", to remind myself that someone needs to hear what the person is saying. That maybe I need to hear what they are saying. But ohhhhh..... it is so hard at times!!!!

Suggestion for anyone who is sharing, please spare us every single drink you have ever had, all those black outs you don't remember .... they are not any funnier because you don't remember!! And don't make stuff up. Please, please please. We can tell.

I think that part of it for me is that I want to hear about recovery more than war stories. We all have our war stories, and a couple of them to qualify, ok ... but what is life like for you now? What have you learned? How have you learned it? What is going on in your life right now? Today? Good bad, happy sad, how are you doing??? When the shit hit the fan and you wanted to drink, what made you realize you didn't HAVE TO!!!!

Experience, STRENGTH and HOPE!!!!!!!

When I speak, I hate trying to figure out the pre-qualifying. I don't know when I crossed the line, I don't think it matters. I do know from my first drink to my last, it was about getting drunk. I would like to stop it right there. But I know it is important to share the how you got there, so I do talk a little bit about the progression, and the fact that I did not have any "jackpots". As fast as I can I try to jump to the now, what I have learned, why I love the fellowship, how the God of MY understanding is working in my life. Why AA is working in my life.

God Bless the person up there tonight. I hope that they got what they needed, that someone heard what they were suppose too. And I pray that God gives me the patience I need, and teaches me to stop being so damn judgemental!!! Progress .....