I am fast approaching two years of sobriety. And the only way it is going to happen is if I continue to keep it in the day. I have gotten to the point that yes, I can plan things, but I still have to stay away from projecting.
With the seasons switiching from summer to fall my thoughts have been trying to zoom into the future. My neices wedding next year (open bar), my daughters college graduation (4yrs away), and even the grandchildren I hope to have some day! I hope that they never know me to drink. But even closer are the holidays and the gatherings that will take place. I am fairly certain that if I keep doing what I am doing then I won't drink. What I have to do is stop worrying about these events in the future, I will deal with them WHEN THEY HAPPEN. And just worry about staying sober today.
Today is really all I have. And no, I don't think I will be drinking today.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Pineapple Upside Down Cake
I think it was my first or second AA meeting that I saw MB at. She was the sister of a guy who drank at one of "my" bars. Never would have thought her to be in AA. I just thought she stopped coming to that bar because she was a bit of a snob. Not that I had really thought about it. MB was not a part of my drinking world, so therefore not worthy of thought right?
So I was pretty surprised to see her there. She had been "in" the program for about 6mnths at that point. As I first came around I would see her here and there. God putting the right people in my life for His reasons. MB was having a hard time staying sober. It was very hard for me, being new, to see this. It was not long before I began my own slide back into drinking. Not because of MB ... all my own doing. I let her struggle be a "reason" that AA did not work, and would not work for me. My disease LOVES thoughts like that.
Many was the night one would call the other drunk. "Why can't I stay sober!! Why won't the promises come true in my life!! How do those people do it!! I want to be happy like them" Of course neither of us had anything resembling answers. How could we?
We did make and stick to one promise. We did not ever drink together. And God was it tough at times. The drinker was always looking to bring the other one down to the pits of hell for company. And when you have a foot in the door to begin with ..
God love R and S and M and all the people who helped us out during our struggle to get all the way IN AA. They were our life preservers in the sea of booze we were drowning in. A few of our own Eskimos.
Yesterday I made MB a pineapple upside down cake for her two years of sobriety!! YAY MB!! I am PROUD OF YOU and SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! May you always have a month more than me :)
MB is for me a real gift of sobriety. I have a forever friend in the woman. We have gone through and made it two years out of the worst part of our life. Together, drawing on each others strength. Being sober is work. Not as much work as being drunk, but it is still work. Having a friend like MB to stand with makes it possible!
We could not stay sober because we kept picking up that first drink.
Today, the promises are coming true for us, we have some of that happy "those" other people have. We are, one day at a time, getting better.
Two YEARS!! If we can do it ....
So I was pretty surprised to see her there. She had been "in" the program for about 6mnths at that point. As I first came around I would see her here and there. God putting the right people in my life for His reasons. MB was having a hard time staying sober. It was very hard for me, being new, to see this. It was not long before I began my own slide back into drinking. Not because of MB ... all my own doing. I let her struggle be a "reason" that AA did not work, and would not work for me. My disease LOVES thoughts like that.
Many was the night one would call the other drunk. "Why can't I stay sober!! Why won't the promises come true in my life!! How do those people do it!! I want to be happy like them" Of course neither of us had anything resembling answers. How could we?
We did make and stick to one promise. We did not ever drink together. And God was it tough at times. The drinker was always looking to bring the other one down to the pits of hell for company. And when you have a foot in the door to begin with ..
God love R and S and M and all the people who helped us out during our struggle to get all the way IN AA. They were our life preservers in the sea of booze we were drowning in. A few of our own Eskimos.
Yesterday I made MB a pineapple upside down cake for her two years of sobriety!! YAY MB!! I am PROUD OF YOU and SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! May you always have a month more than me :)
MB is for me a real gift of sobriety. I have a forever friend in the woman. We have gone through and made it two years out of the worst part of our life. Together, drawing on each others strength. Being sober is work. Not as much work as being drunk, but it is still work. Having a friend like MB to stand with makes it possible!
We could not stay sober because we kept picking up that first drink.
Today, the promises are coming true for us, we have some of that happy "those" other people have. We are, one day at a time, getting better.
Two YEARS!! If we can do it ....
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Now For Why ...
Before my drinking took off my favorite thing to do was read. Stories ..romance, mysteries, crime, horror. Little to no brain feed, but enjoyable to me read. Somewhere along the line I was introduced to Robert Fulghum. I loved him. His stories and life observations both made me laugh and made me think.
The previous post that references his elephant ride always stuck with me. When I began my trip down sobriety lane it came to mind again. Elephants and Drunks ...kind of like peanut butter and jelly ..
The symbolism of drunks & elephants may be what brought it to mind, but I needed it to stay for other reasons.
My climb into alcoholism was so very similar to Fulghums description of climbing onto the elephant. A shaky ladder leading to a shaky platform. I don't believe the road to addiction is ever set on firm ground. Be it a defect of character or defect of life that led us to "one more, one more, one more" I can't say for sure, but I have yet to meet a person who's life when they crossed the line was on solid footing. And I know for me that my addiction and its progression was loaded with anxiety and fear. Even if I was unable to admit it at the time. Or even see it for my own sake.
Once of the elephants back, the ride of addiction. Again, filled with fear and anxiety. Never knowing if the platform is going to let loose and you will be trampled by the thousand pound elephant that is your addiction. If you have traveled my road, then you know what I am talking about. Though it was not without its thrill. Fulghum does not allude to the thrill in this passage, but I can picture it. Way high up on top of an elephant. Top of the WORLD! "Look at ME, Look at ME.... Look Mom... NO HANDS" The cheap thrill when the elephant lurches and the platform moves .. yet you are still on.. How many times did I feel like that when I was drinking? Or managed a near miss for some alcoholic misadventure?
Time for the dismount. The very profound part of the passage. The part that can assist anyone, any day. And helps this alcoholic on a daily basis.
High atop the elephants back, a shaky ladder leaning against the elephant. How do I get down? It is a LONG way down!! I am afraid. What if the ladder breaks? What if I slip! What if the elephant MOVES while I am climbing down!! Better maybe to stay right were I am.
NOTICE: INSTRUCTIONS FOR DISMOUNTING FROM ELEPHANT.
FIRST, COMPOSE YOUR MIND.
MUCH EASIER TO GET DOWN THAN UP.
Simplistic? Maybe. Addicts like me like to make things as hard as possible. The more road blocks I throw up the happier my disease is. The closer I am to picking up another drink. What I am finding is the simpler I keep my recovery, the easier it is. Ask for help, go to meetings, compose my mind. It really is much easier to get down than it was to get up.
The previous post that references his elephant ride always stuck with me. When I began my trip down sobriety lane it came to mind again. Elephants and Drunks ...kind of like peanut butter and jelly ..
The symbolism of drunks & elephants may be what brought it to mind, but I needed it to stay for other reasons.
My climb into alcoholism was so very similar to Fulghums description of climbing onto the elephant. A shaky ladder leading to a shaky platform. I don't believe the road to addiction is ever set on firm ground. Be it a defect of character or defect of life that led us to "one more, one more, one more" I can't say for sure, but I have yet to meet a person who's life when they crossed the line was on solid footing. And I know for me that my addiction and its progression was loaded with anxiety and fear. Even if I was unable to admit it at the time. Or even see it for my own sake.
Once of the elephants back, the ride of addiction. Again, filled with fear and anxiety. Never knowing if the platform is going to let loose and you will be trampled by the thousand pound elephant that is your addiction. If you have traveled my road, then you know what I am talking about. Though it was not without its thrill. Fulghum does not allude to the thrill in this passage, but I can picture it. Way high up on top of an elephant. Top of the WORLD! "Look at ME, Look at ME.... Look Mom... NO HANDS" The cheap thrill when the elephant lurches and the platform moves .. yet you are still on.. How many times did I feel like that when I was drinking? Or managed a near miss for some alcoholic misadventure?
Time for the dismount. The very profound part of the passage. The part that can assist anyone, any day. And helps this alcoholic on a daily basis.
High atop the elephants back, a shaky ladder leaning against the elephant. How do I get down? It is a LONG way down!! I am afraid. What if the ladder breaks? What if I slip! What if the elephant MOVES while I am climbing down!! Better maybe to stay right were I am.
NOTICE: INSTRUCTIONS FOR DISMOUNTING FROM ELEPHANT.
FIRST, COMPOSE YOUR MIND.
MUCH EASIER TO GET DOWN THAN UP.
Simplistic? Maybe. Addicts like me like to make things as hard as possible. The more road blocks I throw up the happier my disease is. The closer I am to picking up another drink. What I am finding is the simpler I keep my recovery, the easier it is. Ask for help, go to meetings, compose my mind. It really is much easier to get down than it was to get up.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Looking Down From The Elephant
Thank you Mr.Fulghum for allowing me to share a passage that has helped me so much in my sobriety!!
This passage is h0w my blog got its name. The why is for another blog:
Robert Fulghum “Maybe (Maybe Not)
Story referring to a trip Mr. Fulghum took to Thailand in 1984 with his wife.
He writes:
An acquaintance arranged for us to visit a forest reserve north of Chiang Mai where elephants are still used for all the heavy work of logging. We were to view the operation from elephant back. A shaky ladder was tilted against the side of an elephant. We cautiously climbed up and onto an equally shaky wooden platform strapped to the elephants back. The anxiety of getting on was matched by the anxiety of riding. We were a long way off the ground, and it felt as if we would be catapulted in that direction at any moment by the great lurching march of the beast.
When the ladder was raised again for us to get off, I noticed a small sign attached to the top step.
NOTICE: INSTRUCTIONS FOR DIMOUNTING FROM ELEPHANT.
FIRST, COMPOSE YOUR MIND.
MUCH EASIER TO GET DOWN THAN UP.
In the ensuing years, much of that trip around the world has faded from conscious memory. But indelibly written in the operating instructions for my life is that admonition from the top rung of that ladder in Thailand. The instructions continued concerning holding on with both hands and not poking the elephant. But it was that first line that spoke to me.
Even now, when I am about to make a move of consequence, small or large, a warning light flashes from the control panel in my head: “This is an elephant dismount.” And sometimes, sometimes, I actually manage to compose my mind.
Story referring to a trip Mr. Fulghum took to Thailand in 1984 with his wife.
He writes:
An acquaintance arranged for us to visit a forest reserve north of Chiang Mai where elephants are still used for all the heavy work of logging. We were to view the operation from elephant back. A shaky ladder was tilted against the side of an elephant. We cautiously climbed up and onto an equally shaky wooden platform strapped to the elephants back. The anxiety of getting on was matched by the anxiety of riding. We were a long way off the ground, and it felt as if we would be catapulted in that direction at any moment by the great lurching march of the beast.
When the ladder was raised again for us to get off, I noticed a small sign attached to the top step.
NOTICE: INSTRUCTIONS FOR DIMOUNTING FROM ELEPHANT.
FIRST, COMPOSE YOUR MIND.
MUCH EASIER TO GET DOWN THAN UP.
In the ensuing years, much of that trip around the world has faded from conscious memory. But indelibly written in the operating instructions for my life is that admonition from the top rung of that ladder in Thailand. The instructions continued concerning holding on with both hands and not poking the elephant. But it was that first line that spoke to me.
Even now, when I am about to make a move of consequence, small or large, a warning light flashes from the control panel in my head: “This is an elephant dismount.” And sometimes, sometimes, I actually manage to compose my mind.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
They Always Clap ....
So last Sat night my AA group had a commitment. (speaking engagement) I had been out to dinner with my family up the road from the meeting. I had no excuse not to go. Although I DID try and show up a little late .... I did not want to be chairperson. Well ... I was the ONLY one who showed up from my group!! I hate when that happens!! Even when it is an incoming group. I really don't like when the person feels duty bound to talk the entire meeting if they are the only ones to show. Makes for a LONG meeting .. in my opinion. I like short and sweet. I really don't need to hear about every single drink you ever had. I try and remind myself that yes, I did ask for help that morning .. and THIS is who God sent!! :) Doesn't always work ..lol
So when I was the only one to show .. and I had to chair ... I told them from the git go that they would have to help me out. I would NOT be speaking for the entire meeting. My story is boring, and I would get bored .. then babble and be done! lol One of my group members did end up showing up while I was talking, so I called him and told him to wrap it up!! He did pretty good. Brought us up to 5 minutes before the break. I asked if anyone would like to share for the last 5 minutes. Nope, no takers. Soooo... I asked if they wanted to hear a joke? lol And they did .. so I told it ... and yup, they clapped.
Such an ego boost!
So when I was the only one to show .. and I had to chair ... I told them from the git go that they would have to help me out. I would NOT be speaking for the entire meeting. My story is boring, and I would get bored .. then babble and be done! lol One of my group members did end up showing up while I was talking, so I called him and told him to wrap it up!! He did pretty good. Brought us up to 5 minutes before the break. I asked if anyone would like to share for the last 5 minutes. Nope, no takers. Soooo... I asked if they wanted to hear a joke? lol And they did .. so I told it ... and yup, they clapped.
Such an ego boost!
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