The Shack

www.theshackbook.com

God picked out a book for me. Really!! God doing His God thing. I had been having a God day. For whatever reason, God, praying, meditation, had all been on my mind off and on. I have my "list" of people I pray for and was thinking that there are some people who are close to me that I don't really pray enough for. They get the random thought prayers. I always feel good after I pray, I feel good about praying, and I should pray more. That was the conclusion I came to. I should also work on being more open to God in my life. And I should at least try the meditation cd I bought ... lol

Those were the thoughts I was having the day God picked out the book. I had gone to Borders in search of a couple of Christmas Gifts. I was in shopping mode, and had no thoughts good or bad of God floating around in my head. Buy Buy Buy .... that's were the brain mush was at. I was searching through Military History area for a book I did not know the name of, but was hoping if I saw it I would remember the dust cover. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a display of books. Kind of it a odd spot, not in the main area of displays. Almost but not really tucked away. Hmm.. I picked it up and read the back. It was a God book. ( In the history section??)

Right away I thought, God picked this out for me. That is not normal thinking for me. But the thought was there, and I figured I had to get it. It's not like I buy this type of book, or go looking for it ....but there you go. God picked it out for me. Thank You!!

The super short description of this book, is that a man suffers one of the most horrendous losses a person can, the death, murder, of his 6yr old daughter. He is not liking God to much. A few years pass and the man receives a invite back to the place of this horrible event ........ from God? Just as bizzar, he goes. He spends the weekend with God and comes back a changed man.

That is the very short version. The time spent with God ~ well it is hard to give words to describe it all. If you are uber religious you will most likely take offence. For me, the presentation of God and His love for us, reflected many of my own personal beliefs. Some of the thoughts have caused me to re-think other thoughts. I laughed out loud, and I was sad. The sign of a well written book for me too!

What really amazed me though is how much of the book reminded me of AA. Simplified, it showed how and why AA works so well. And no, this was not a AA book. Not a single mention of AA. The author I am willing to bet, has no clue about AA. But there yah go. God's perfect love can be found in AA. So many of the philosophies that are found in AA were in this book. How many times have you heard people say they wish that non-AA's could "get" what we have? What a great world we would live in if everyone did the 12 steps? That was this book!! lol

Again, it is hard to put into words all that I got out of this book. I have passed it on to my mom to read, but what I can't wait for is to have another AA read this book. I want to know if it is just me that saw all the parallels.

AA or not AA, it was still a great book. A book to make you go hmmmmm.... And if you let it, could open the door to a loving God of your own understanding. Very cool!!

Trusting In God ~

Today is one of those days were I know in order to feel better, what I have to do is turn the day over, turn my life and my will, over to God. But I am having a hard time doing it at the moment. I found out today that I am going to have to have a medical procedure that will knock me out for a few weeks and cost a chunk of change. I don't know which it is that has me more bummed out. I honestly can't picture myself "staying still" for six weeks. I might be able to do it for a week, but then once I start feeling better ........ I get itchy just thinking about staying home for that long!! Then I think about the cost, and hey I can't work for six weeks ........ ahhh. I am wallowing, is that the right word?? in self pity at the moment.
On the plus side, I know this little pity party won't last. Same as the thought of staying low for a extended amount of time is impossible for me to wrap my little pea brain around, so is letting myself be brought down and stay down.
Today was the day of the bad news. So I am sad and stressed about the "me" part of it. But I do have a positive too. I was able to (I hope) help someone today with some AA questions for their friend.
So, goods & bads. Life on lifes terms. And tomorrow I will spend a few more minutes asking the God of MY understanding to help me through the day, and to help me do His will instead of mine. And I know for a fact that tomorrow will be a better day!!

Happy New Year!!!

Three years of being sober. Amazing. When I started on this road, I was not sure if I was not in fact one of those who would be incapable of being completely honest, and therefore was doomed to drink again. I kind of looked at that line as my "out" if I drank again. I think that is why I hold so tight onto the fact that this is a disease and not a moral issue. If I based my recovery on my moral standing at the time, then I would certainly have failed.

When I made my way back into the halls after a brief yet forever period of six months or so, I had pushed all the buttons on the elevator to hell and got good and stuck on that second to last floor. I say second because I have no doubt in my mind that if I were to go out again, my life would descend yet another level into the bowels of hell. It would get worse. Fact. As to if I could get out of it, I don't know. I won't say absolutely not, because God forbid I do fall down. I won't take away all hope. I fear that I would not make it back though. More don't than do, and I am so grateful that I got back the first time. I have a much further distance to fall now too. That fall could kill me right off the bat. Scary. Very scary.

So here I am today, 3 years and some days into being a sober person. And life is pretty good. Far from perfect, way very far from perfect!! lol But I am sober, healthy, and my life is chock full of wonderful people. So my wallet may have dust in it, but my bank account is filled with gold. I am grateful.

I have some uphill climbs facing me at the moment. Like far to many right now, money being a huge issue. I have some health issues (nothing major) that need to be addressed, and money plays a part in what I can do. That is just plain sucky. I have itchy feet living at home right now, and I am waiting to see what God has to say about that ... lol Again comes back to money first. Then is it the best and smartest thing to do to move out??? That's a big can of worms. HUGE muddy gross. Oh the list goes on. But that's ok. If it was all perfect then something would be very wrong!!!!!!

One day, one hour, one minute at a time it will all get worked out to be just what it is suppose to be. I know I am not going to starve or have to run around naked.......... lol I also know that I will keep going to meetings, and be amazed at the people who have made their way back from that lower level of hell. I will be impressed with how they deal with life on life's terms TODAY. I will learn. I will accept that what is most important for me to do today is God's will, not mine. Ok, I will TRY REALLY REALLY HARD to accept that!!!! Always easier to do when things are going the way I want them to.

Year four will have new adventures, like the sober football game. New friends. So many new things will happen......... when it comes right down to it, I am excited about life. Bad stuff will happen too I am sure. I won't drink. Good or bad, as long as I keep doing what I am doing, and keep trying to do a little bit more than that!!!

My new year has begun!! Happy New Year!!!

Sober Fun

Just how fun can sober be?? TONS!!! Last night was another first for me in sobriety. A football game with three other sober woman. And yah know what? It was awesome!!

It was my second sober football game, and I had a great time at that as well. But last night was extra cool being in the company of three amazing wonderful sober women. We shared sober talk as well as everyday talk. It is amazing to me though how all of us apply the steps in our everyday life. Or at least try to. Not that that is how the converstation went ... "I went to the store and applied step 6 ......" No, not at all. But for myself, being aware of how the steps work in my life, listening and also knowing a bit about these gals, I could see how it is working in their lives. That was pretty damn cool too.

So today I am a little tired, legs hurt from walking, but my heart is happy. I had fun last night. And I am still new enough at this sober life that a fun night like that still amazes me. I did not have to drink to enjoy myself. And unlike say another 40,000 people or so who were also there last night .. I have no hangover today!!

Yup, life IS good!!

10 years ago .......

Tomorrow I turn 40. Happy to me ;) So today is 'birthday eve". Ten years ago, if my birthday fell on a Saturday, the party would have started no later than Thursday and continued ..... who knows!! I do remember for my 30Th I did not want a big deal. Looking back, or thinking back on it the reasons are a little more clear. There is no way that anyone could have put on a party that would have been "just what I wanted", so therefor I did not want a party. What would have been "just what I wanted" ... that I don't know, nor do I think I knew then. I just know it would not have been good enough. Not what I wanted. Again, not that I really knew what I wanted. Just that I wanted more more more and would not get it, so what was the point. And it not getting any anything, I knew I then had a "good" reason to go hang out at the bars. Or buy a case and drink it all. I wanted what I could not have, and did not want what I could have, and could not even name what it was I wanted. That was then.

Today........ I am not thrilled with the fact that I am hours away from entering yet another decade of life. 40 might be the new 30, but in my books it is still 40!! But neither am I depressed over the fact. 40 has some real potential after all. I have a slew of nieces and nephews that have the potential to marry and present me with more little babies to love love love!! And although I am hoping for some serious lag time between the now and when, my own child could potentially get married and have babies in the next ten years. So 40's may equal grammy. (50's would be better though....) 40 is going to bring new adventures in work. I have the opportunity to grow this business, and who knows what else!! 40 offers the chance to continue to make and maintain mature friendships (and immature friends ...;).

Most significant to me, 40 offers a new decade with out drinking. I am not one to say from the podium I had my first drink when I was 3 ... I don't know about that lol!! I do know that my brother and I use to sneak "licks" of the green stuff, kind of minty sweet sugary ... Some sort of schnapps or something that my parents kept in a decanter. We would unstop it and lick the cap. Don't know that I ever caught a buzz off it ... we just liked the sugar. But it was booze. So if I take that into consideration that makes being 40 even more special. It truly and really has the potential to be the first decade in my entire life that alcohol will not be a part of. I really really like that idea.

I am not going crazy trying to "project" the future. Today I am giving it some thought is all. I know damn straight that if that future has a chance at all, then I have to keep it all in today. One day. One more day. So today is my last day of being 39, and I will celebrate by not drinking. Tomorrow I enter the new decade of living, and have the gift of being able to do it sober. I will continue to do what I do to the best of my ability. Hopefully ~ and I don't use that word as a cop out~ I will continue to grow, to grow up, to expand my world and enjoy it .. all sober. One, just one .. day at a time.