Five years One Week

And there just plain is not enough space in all the world to list the gifts God has given me.

Last week I went out to breakfast with my daughter. (gift) One of the topics of conversation was another vip in my life, who, a couple of years ago said to me "I am pretty sure I have a problem but I am not ready to do anything about it". Fair enough. I said to him at the time that I would not force stuff down his throat but would on occasion ask if he wanted to go to a meeting. No pressure.

I came home from work that day and found a e-mail from said vip. He was ready. (GINORMOUS GIFT). He went to his first meeting that night and will have a solid week tomorrow. One Day At A Time!!!

God doing His God thing all over the place in my life. I now have two very special people who have come into the halls of AA. They are now helping each other as well. It has been pretty special to see vip1 talk to vip2 about what he has learned so far in his journey.

With my crazy schedule right now I have felt bad that I am not "doing" enough for either of them, so I did what I did best and gave it over to God. Silly human that I am to be feeling bad in the first place. God had a plan from the start, I am just a little part of it. (gift).

I am so glad for my life right now and the people in it. I am constantly amazed by the people God has brought into my life. Both AA'ers and Earth People. He chose them well for me so that I may never forget the power of example they set. Good times and bad.

HOPE

The past month has been a topsy turvy one. Some goods, some not so goods. So I went to meetings. Lots of them!! The common theme that I heard was about HOPE. There is hope in the halls of AA. Regardless of any problems at this moment, regardless of any issues that lay in the past, regardless of potential problems in the future. Today there is hope. There is HOPE in the halls.
As I sat in the meetings and listened to others share their own hope, I thought about it. Hope. When did I start having it? How did I get it? Do I STILL have it?
Although I can't pin it down for certain, when I first came in I don't think I would have recognized HOPE if it was dressed in gold and wearing a name tag, I believe the first taste of hope came when I was sent to the emergency room for help. At that moment I had hope that my problems with the booze would end.
The meetings that came into the de-tox brought yet another taste of hope. That I too could be happy like those people.
My disease of course fought very hard against any and all versions of hope. Hope could lead to to a desire to change. Change could lead to elimination of a desire to drink. My disease did not want that!
Yet the seeds of hope had been planted. I had a little itty bit of hope. Those seeds fought very hard for the next year to grow roots. I did not make it easy for them. I neglected them and allowed weeds to grow all around. I gave the barest of nutrients to help them grow. I believed them to be dead. Still, they took root.
When the time arrived that I was ready to get sober those seeds of hope began to flourish. They grew and they grew and they grew. Instead of sitting at meetings and hear what I was not, I heard what I was and even more important what I could be. Happy.
By going to meetings and listening and watching those around me I continue to nurture the hope in my life. The people in the meetings are the sun, rain food of hope for me.
No matter HOW topsy turvy life gets, I have HOPE today. On those occasions when I am feeling a bit hopeless all I have to do is listen and watch. There is HOPE in the halls of AA.

Moments of Clarity

I have had the opportunity the past few weeks to really "see" were I am in my sobriety. Not that I understand it all, not by a LONG shot .. but I have been able to evaluate were I am today with a little more clarity than usual. Part of it is being involved in the AWOL. Right off the bat that has me taking a more in depth look at were am I now. Other bits and pieces of this eye opener have to do with the v.i.p. and hitting more meetings with him, a friend receiving his five year medallion, a wedding, school starting .... actually a pretty full plate of things.
A big part of this self evaluation had me wondering if I do in fact practice what I preach so to speak. My mouth makes the noise about practicing the twelve steps in all of my affairs but do I DO it? For real? In my heart of hearts?
Conclusion: There is room for improvement but I do believe in the things I say and I do in fact try to live my life according to the principles of AA. I have to watch my snarky tongue at times, amusement at the expense of others can be hurtful. I have to keep my ego, my fears, my self-centerdness "right sized" so that they do not overwhelm me or people around me. I need to be quicker to hand over the good stuff along with the bad to the God of my understanding. And the reason I need to do all this stuff is because I believe it works. I KNOW it works.
As I am about to embark on a new school year and work adventure knowing these things and shoring up the foundation of this new me will only make life better.
I need to stay open of mind and heart to let God show me when He is doing His God thing!!

Gifts

I am constantly amazed at the gifts of sobriety in my life. Ninty Nine percent of those gifts come in the form of people. God has put some pretty amazing and wonderful people in my life. To learn from, to laugh with. to love, to grow. Although most of them are AA, not all are. God just keeps blessing me were ever I go!!

Tonight I went out with a couple of classmates. We have been trying all summer to get together and we finally did it. A year ago I did not know these ladies at all. Today they are an important part of my life! We have not been in close contact since school let out but sitting with them tonight it was like a day had not passed. Nothing major was said or done tonight, chit chat and chowing on food. So nice to be able to sit and relax, not worry about when the waiter was going to come back with our drinks or how much I could drink in front of them or if I had enough money for another drink!

I really do like this new life!!

Seeing Assets?

Back to working on step four in this new AWOL. The part I am having such a hard time with on the writing are my assets. I can see them, see were I have made improvements. I can even acknowledge that there ARE assets to be found!! What an amazing change from the person who walked into the halls four years ago. I have worth, I have value, I am a good person ................ BUT..........

Every time I go to write out the asset I seem to add the BUT and go on to find all the ways I need to improve on what I have. What starts out as an asset ends up being a defect. In all honesty it is making me crazy.

Tonight at the AWOL what was suggested ~ because I am not the only one having the issue ~ is to just STOP at the BUT. Just end it. If I really really have to complete the character assassination on my self, go back to the defect and keep writing.

My personal reflection on these asset/ defects overall is that I want more growth and change and when it comes to Step Seven I am asking for help and God's will ...... then taking them right back. I need to just write as is, then prepare the list again so I can make those changes with God's help on Step Seven .......