One down, two to go in the holiday tri-fecta of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Interestingly, for me, I think this third year is harder so far. Thankfully I am not being hounded by thoughts of drinking, but I am "missing" the good times drinking during the holidays. I am keeping myself in check, trying very hard not to let the romance even get started. It is easy to sit back and remember all the fun that I did have this time of year with my friends at the bars. What I have to keep in mind is all the chaos that went hand in hand. Rushing like crazy to buy gifts with money that I already spent at the bar is a very key point/ fact to remember as well.
But I did in fact have many good times this time of year at the bar. It was fun to chat with people about their holiday plans, shopping, kids, grandkids. See new faces taking a break from the holidays, seeing old faces back in town for the holidays.
So I miss it a bit. And just a bit more this year than the past two. Stopping and thinking about it, it may be because of all the changes in the past couple of years. Couple that with the recent death of my mother -in-law, and of my Aunt last winter and I suppose it really is not much of a reach to see why I am feeling a little blue and wistful for what use to be.
I think it is ok to miss it. As long as I know that I absolutely can't go back to it. I have to keep it up front that at the end, there really was no fun in it, and even though I have not had a drink in two years ... my disease does not care. It is just waiting to bring me right back to the pitts of hell, and down yet another level if it can.
I also have to work on keeping my thoughts positive. Many many of the changes in the past two years have been very positive, and as I continue this path of sobriety, many more changes await me. And again, most of them will be positive.
One down, two to go ... but all taken one day at a time.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Two Years, and TODAY!!
Well, I did it. Two years without a drink. I did not think I would make it a week. But by doing what was suggested in the program of AA, I have put a few 24 hours behind me. One day at a time. That continues to be my mantra. In good times and bad, the most important thing for me to remember is it is just for today. All I have to deal with is today. Who knows what tomorow is going to bring? I'm good .. but I am not that good. Sober does not bring ESP!! Wish it did, then I could play the numbers and win!
So what has been the most important lesson of the past two years? A very tough question. You would think, considering I am the one who just asked it I might have an answer! I have learned so much in the past two years. About living, about life, about myself, and I am still learning. Each time something new comes along I think it might be the most important thing I have learned, but then something else comes along. And well, THAT becomes the most important thing I have learned. Brings it back to being in the day. The lesson I learn today, that is the most important. Today remains the most important day in my sobriety!!
So what has been the most important lesson of the past two years? A very tough question. You would think, considering I am the one who just asked it I might have an answer! I have learned so much in the past two years. About living, about life, about myself, and I am still learning. Each time something new comes along I think it might be the most important thing I have learned, but then something else comes along. And well, THAT becomes the most important thing I have learned. Brings it back to being in the day. The lesson I learn today, that is the most important. Today remains the most important day in my sobriety!!
Monday, October 29, 2007
No Matter What ...
Don't pick up that first drink.
This past weekend my mother-in-law passed away. It was not really expected at all. I brought my daughter in to see her, and we talked with the Dr. who said she will walk out of here. The next afternoon hospice was called in. She died less that 48hrs after that.
This has been the biggest and worse thing I have gone through in my almost 2yrs of being sober. My blog .. so this is about me for right now.
My knee jerk reaction to all of it has been just what it is suppose to be. To drink. To get away from having to feel. Drinking is how I have dealt with just about everything in my life for the past 15 years or more. Happy, sad, it's a Tuesday. Drink. Don't feel, don't hurt. Drink.
My disease has been lying in a dormant state for almost two years. It jumped up and clapped its hands, drooled, did a little happy dance .... thought it was going to get to play. It was pretty freaking scary how fast that devil was right on top of me. Drink.
NO!!! I want to stay sober more than I want to drink. The devil gave me a drop kick in the gut, but he did not win. I have spent the past two years laying a strong foundation in sobriety. I had moves of my own to counter the devil.
I asked God to help me stay away from a drink. I went to meetings. I called my sponsor. I made sure I had a list of numbers at the ready in case the devil started making sense. I asked God to let me do His will. It is not God's will that I drink. Thank You God.
I am still a little shaky at just how fast the complete desire for a drink came back. Ok ... a drunk more than a drink. I am not beating myself up over it though. Drinking is how I use to deal, or not deal, with everything for so many years. This is the first real real big thing in my life during my sobriety. Knee jerk. When I get through the other side of all this, the next time something major hits ... I have started a new way to deal with things. May be my first thought will always be of a drink. I don't know. But I doubt it. My sponsors hubby said that I am getting new muscles. I think he is right.
I am going to miss my mother-in-law in a very big way. She was a women who enjoyed life, and the people in her life. I had lots of respect for her. She did not come up easy in this world, but you did not hear her bitch. She took pride in herself and her accomplishments, but not boastful. She loved with her complete heart. Good solid people. I hope someday I am a little bit like her.
This past weekend my mother-in-law passed away. It was not really expected at all. I brought my daughter in to see her, and we talked with the Dr. who said she will walk out of here. The next afternoon hospice was called in. She died less that 48hrs after that.
This has been the biggest and worse thing I have gone through in my almost 2yrs of being sober. My blog .. so this is about me for right now.
My knee jerk reaction to all of it has been just what it is suppose to be. To drink. To get away from having to feel. Drinking is how I have dealt with just about everything in my life for the past 15 years or more. Happy, sad, it's a Tuesday. Drink. Don't feel, don't hurt. Drink.
My disease has been lying in a dormant state for almost two years. It jumped up and clapped its hands, drooled, did a little happy dance .... thought it was going to get to play. It was pretty freaking scary how fast that devil was right on top of me. Drink.
NO!!! I want to stay sober more than I want to drink. The devil gave me a drop kick in the gut, but he did not win. I have spent the past two years laying a strong foundation in sobriety. I had moves of my own to counter the devil.
I asked God to help me stay away from a drink. I went to meetings. I called my sponsor. I made sure I had a list of numbers at the ready in case the devil started making sense. I asked God to let me do His will. It is not God's will that I drink. Thank You God.
I am still a little shaky at just how fast the complete desire for a drink came back. Ok ... a drunk more than a drink. I am not beating myself up over it though. Drinking is how I use to deal, or not deal, with everything for so many years. This is the first real real big thing in my life during my sobriety. Knee jerk. When I get through the other side of all this, the next time something major hits ... I have started a new way to deal with things. May be my first thought will always be of a drink. I don't know. But I doubt it. My sponsors hubby said that I am getting new muscles. I think he is right.
I am going to miss my mother-in-law in a very big way. She was a women who enjoyed life, and the people in her life. I had lots of respect for her. She did not come up easy in this world, but you did not hear her bitch. She took pride in herself and her accomplishments, but not boastful. She loved with her complete heart. Good solid people. I hope someday I am a little bit like her.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
12 StepS
Last night was my Step Meeting. I have been going to this meeting since my first faltering attempt at staying sober. Much of what I read is still beyond my ken, but I always get something out of going.
Last night was Step 7. Humbly ask Him to remove all faults. (I don't have my book in front of me to write it word for word)
The first time I went through this step I had a huge resentment to it. First of all ... it brought up the GOD thing again. Yup, this AA thing is a cult. They say no God, but here yah go again. It was not so much I had an issue with GOD ... but I have a problem with other people telling me I had to believe in THEIR GOD. Nope, no thank you, not interested. Thankfully I have progressed enough in AA to know that I just have to worry about MY God. MY Higher Power however I see fit to have Him in MY life. And He fits very well indeed.
The other thing I did not like about this step was the words HUMBLE and HUMILITY. I thought for sure .. again it is a cult ... that this was AA's way of breaking you down so they could take over your mind and send you to the airport to sell flowers or something. Humble and humility had no place in my life. That was for losers. I like words like strength, Independence, courage ...
What I have come to find, for me, is that humble and humility lead to those other words. AA is not saying to belittle yourself as I originally thought. Once you admit you have a fault, then you can work on it. That is strength. When you ask for help with it, that is courage. And the closer I build a connection between myself and my God ... I am actually more independent. I become free off some of the chains that have held me back. I grow.
Last night when we read the step I had thoughts pinging all over the place. But what I walked away with last night is how Humility leads to having the Grace of God in my life. I also see it around me, so when I doubt it in me ... God lets me know that it is still there for me. I just have to ask.
Last night was Step 7. Humbly ask Him to remove all faults. (I don't have my book in front of me to write it word for word)
The first time I went through this step I had a huge resentment to it. First of all ... it brought up the GOD thing again. Yup, this AA thing is a cult. They say no God, but here yah go again. It was not so much I had an issue with GOD ... but I have a problem with other people telling me I had to believe in THEIR GOD. Nope, no thank you, not interested. Thankfully I have progressed enough in AA to know that I just have to worry about MY God. MY Higher Power however I see fit to have Him in MY life. And He fits very well indeed.
The other thing I did not like about this step was the words HUMBLE and HUMILITY. I thought for sure .. again it is a cult ... that this was AA's way of breaking you down so they could take over your mind and send you to the airport to sell flowers or something. Humble and humility had no place in my life. That was for losers. I like words like strength, Independence, courage ...
What I have come to find, for me, is that humble and humility lead to those other words. AA is not saying to belittle yourself as I originally thought. Once you admit you have a fault, then you can work on it. That is strength. When you ask for help with it, that is courage. And the closer I build a connection between myself and my God ... I am actually more independent. I become free off some of the chains that have held me back. I grow.
Last night when we read the step I had thoughts pinging all over the place. But what I walked away with last night is how Humility leads to having the Grace of God in my life. I also see it around me, so when I doubt it in me ... God lets me know that it is still there for me. I just have to ask.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
One Day At A Time
I am fast approaching two years of sobriety. And the only way it is going to happen is if I continue to keep it in the day. I have gotten to the point that yes, I can plan things, but I still have to stay away from projecting.
With the seasons switiching from summer to fall my thoughts have been trying to zoom into the future. My neices wedding next year (open bar), my daughters college graduation (4yrs away), and even the grandchildren I hope to have some day! I hope that they never know me to drink. But even closer are the holidays and the gatherings that will take place. I am fairly certain that if I keep doing what I am doing then I won't drink. What I have to do is stop worrying about these events in the future, I will deal with them WHEN THEY HAPPEN. And just worry about staying sober today.
Today is really all I have. And no, I don't think I will be drinking today.
With the seasons switiching from summer to fall my thoughts have been trying to zoom into the future. My neices wedding next year (open bar), my daughters college graduation (4yrs away), and even the grandchildren I hope to have some day! I hope that they never know me to drink. But even closer are the holidays and the gatherings that will take place. I am fairly certain that if I keep doing what I am doing then I won't drink. What I have to do is stop worrying about these events in the future, I will deal with them WHEN THEY HAPPEN. And just worry about staying sober today.
Today is really all I have. And no, I don't think I will be drinking today.
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