My parents have always been of the "if something is wrong call the doctor" type. Children and pets in our household, always got their shots!! Although not as good as mom and dad about my own health, I do try and get to the doctor every couple of years. Sobriety has given me the gift of improved health. Working my tail off this summer has whittled me down size wise, and given me muscles I never knew I could have!! So I figure I am in good health, right?
At the first AWOL one of the things that we went over was health. How taking good care of yourself is a very important part of sobriety. Bad health can lead to re-lapse. It made sense to me. I last saw my primary when I was a few months sober. After the AWOL I made a appointment with my primary, so he could tell me I am as healthy as I think I am.
Then I fainted. Yes, really fainted!! Never had that happen ever before. Not even passed out in a bar and pretend it was fainting! Can't say it is on my list of things to do again real quick. I was chatting during break at a meeting a week ago today. My tummy had been upset, and I still blame that ~ bbq ribs, pepsi, and a sweet flavored latte ~. The tummy ache got worse, I felt a little queasy, moved off to the side and next thing I know I am looking up at all these faces wondering why they are in my bedroom??????? Apparently I was out for a couple of minutes. My embarrassment was acute I can tell you that much!! 911 was on the way .. joy joy joy... Nobody would let me get up, and it was just easier to give in. The boys in blue showed up and loaded me into the ambulance. ( I will admit to the very vain thought of how I was glad for the weight loss when they put me on the gurney!!) Everything checked out ok though .. bp ~fine sugar~fine temp~fine. They still wanted me to go to the hospital, they always want you to go to the hospital!! Cute though these guys were, I was all set thank you very much. If I had really thought there was something big wrong I would have gone. But spending the night being poked, prodded, and generally annoyed ~ all the while wondering how much this was going to COST .. nope, pass.
But I still can't believe I fainted!! lol I did call the dr. the next day. He never called back. I am scheduled for my appointment next week. And I know he won't know why it happened anymore next week that he would had I gone in the next day. Just one of those things.
I am so glad we covered health in the AWOL ....
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
AWOL
A Way Of Life ............
I just started a AWOL last week. I am still very curious as to what all it will be about, and what we will do. My understanding, at this time, is that we will go over the steps, DO the steps, and the point of the entire thing is to incorporate the 12 steps better into our day to day living. I am down with that!!
I am actually very excited about it. I think there were 12 of us, all women, and I knew all but one, and "know" about half of them fairly good. I like all of them, a real plus!! Doing something like this with a group of women is a real first for me, and I think a very important one. I have always been a guys girl, getting along far better with the men in my little part of the world than the women. I have found in AA that I am able to have good relationships with the women as well, although I have to add that is more due to the generosity of spirit of the women I have met than my own doing. But I am learning!!
The first exercise that we did showed me a few things right off the bat. First off just how intense this group can potentially be. The first exercise was to meditate back onto a moment of powerlessness over alcohol. Then share it. Again, it is a really good group of people and the sincerity of the sharing was very humbling, and uplifting at the same time. It takes courage to share like that. For my own part, going back and focusing on a moment of powerlessness was kind of a earth shaker for me. I honestly don't think about it all that much. I don't think I am so much giving lip service to Step One, but I don't dwell on it or think about the powerlessness I had (have) over alcohol. But after doing, thinking about it the way we did .... It is pretty important to keep that in mind. Kind of like a flash card that needs to be pulled out when I think of that step. Powerlessness over alcohol ~ going to the bar when I don't want to, staying in the bar when I want to go home, sneaking out of the house to go to the bar, hiding the booze, lying about were I have been or were I am going, being with people that are not good for me because I can drink with them. The list is of course longer, but the part that rocked me the other night was the going to the bar and not being able to leave. It is a pure fact that that was me. I was glued to the seat until my alcoholism said I could go home. And not a second before ....
I am so glad that is not a part of my day to day. I love having the freedom to do the next right thing now. Might not always do it ... but at least I have the freedom to NOT do it as well ... ;) Freedom.......... Amen
I just started a AWOL last week. I am still very curious as to what all it will be about, and what we will do. My understanding, at this time, is that we will go over the steps, DO the steps, and the point of the entire thing is to incorporate the 12 steps better into our day to day living. I am down with that!!
I am actually very excited about it. I think there were 12 of us, all women, and I knew all but one, and "know" about half of them fairly good. I like all of them, a real plus!! Doing something like this with a group of women is a real first for me, and I think a very important one. I have always been a guys girl, getting along far better with the men in my little part of the world than the women. I have found in AA that I am able to have good relationships with the women as well, although I have to add that is more due to the generosity of spirit of the women I have met than my own doing. But I am learning!!
The first exercise that we did showed me a few things right off the bat. First off just how intense this group can potentially be. The first exercise was to meditate back onto a moment of powerlessness over alcohol. Then share it. Again, it is a really good group of people and the sincerity of the sharing was very humbling, and uplifting at the same time. It takes courage to share like that. For my own part, going back and focusing on a moment of powerlessness was kind of a earth shaker for me. I honestly don't think about it all that much. I don't think I am so much giving lip service to Step One, but I don't dwell on it or think about the powerlessness I had (have) over alcohol. But after doing, thinking about it the way we did .... It is pretty important to keep that in mind. Kind of like a flash card that needs to be pulled out when I think of that step. Powerlessness over alcohol ~ going to the bar when I don't want to, staying in the bar when I want to go home, sneaking out of the house to go to the bar, hiding the booze, lying about were I have been or were I am going, being with people that are not good for me because I can drink with them. The list is of course longer, but the part that rocked me the other night was the going to the bar and not being able to leave. It is a pure fact that that was me. I was glued to the seat until my alcoholism said I could go home. And not a second before ....
I am so glad that is not a part of my day to day. I love having the freedom to do the next right thing now. Might not always do it ... but at least I have the freedom to NOT do it as well ... ;) Freedom.......... Amen
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Babble
I have had so many different "topics" running around in head the past week. My heart continues to ache for my friend and her family. She had posted about the many people who said they could not imagine the pain she is going through. And how that was no comfort to her at all. My heart broke for her all over again with that statement. I may be cowardly in not responding directly to her, but I really feel she has enough on her plate and does not need my babble on that topic.
Can I imagine the pain she is in. Not all the way, no I can't. I know some of the pain she is in, but her pain in uniquely her own. Different even that that of her dh or even my sister. The same as when I hear a story in AA that is "like" mine. I can identify with some, or even most of it. Regardless, it does not make the story "worse" or "better" than my own. It is different. What I can do is ephathize. And pray for peace for her. Sooner rather than later.
Next I go back to gratitude. I had a commitment at the de-tox this past week. I speak there as often as I am able to with my group, and in this case with a group I go to all the time. Anyways, on the way in I met up with a person who I have seen off and on as long as I have been in AA. He was checking in. Really blew me away. I have seen other people I know in as patients before, but not anybody I knew as well as this man. Then when we got into the commitment, I saw another man I know. His brother is one of the people I depend on a lot in AA. A unofficial sponsor so to speak. This guy came in just about the same time as me 3yrs ago. He had been in and out of AA for a number of years, but if you had asked me a week ago about him I would have said without a doubt that he is one of the ones who got it this time. Looks like I was way wrong. At least he was there getting help ... again. But it really really blew my mind. When it was my turn to talk I started off saying I was grateful to be there. Well, that really surprised me. That is not one of my lines, gratitude list or no. I had to pause after saying it I was so surprised! I was not able to think all that much about it right then .. I still had to talk. But in reflecting, I was grateful to be there that night. I was with two strong AA people and got here hear their stories told a little different that how it sounds from the podium. I was able to be there for the first guy and help him in the door and give his wife a hug. I know he is struggling now and who knows, may be able to help him down the line. I got to see the second guy, and it showed me how dangerous is is to assume that everything is all right with people. And how important sticking with the meetings and my group is. And last, I was grateful that I was a VISITOR to the de-tox. I was grateful in a very basic way, that I was sober. As much as I think it is important to be grateful for all the "stuff" that goes with BEING sober ... it is also important that I not forget to be grateful for the fact that I AM sober .......
Can I imagine the pain she is in. Not all the way, no I can't. I know some of the pain she is in, but her pain in uniquely her own. Different even that that of her dh or even my sister. The same as when I hear a story in AA that is "like" mine. I can identify with some, or even most of it. Regardless, it does not make the story "worse" or "better" than my own. It is different. What I can do is ephathize. And pray for peace for her. Sooner rather than later.
Next I go back to gratitude. I had a commitment at the de-tox this past week. I speak there as often as I am able to with my group, and in this case with a group I go to all the time. Anyways, on the way in I met up with a person who I have seen off and on as long as I have been in AA. He was checking in. Really blew me away. I have seen other people I know in as patients before, but not anybody I knew as well as this man. Then when we got into the commitment, I saw another man I know. His brother is one of the people I depend on a lot in AA. A unofficial sponsor so to speak. This guy came in just about the same time as me 3yrs ago. He had been in and out of AA for a number of years, but if you had asked me a week ago about him I would have said without a doubt that he is one of the ones who got it this time. Looks like I was way wrong. At least he was there getting help ... again. But it really really blew my mind. When it was my turn to talk I started off saying I was grateful to be there. Well, that really surprised me. That is not one of my lines, gratitude list or no. I had to pause after saying it I was so surprised! I was not able to think all that much about it right then .. I still had to talk. But in reflecting, I was grateful to be there that night. I was with two strong AA people and got here hear their stories told a little different that how it sounds from the podium. I was able to be there for the first guy and help him in the door and give his wife a hug. I know he is struggling now and who knows, may be able to help him down the line. I got to see the second guy, and it showed me how dangerous is is to assume that everything is all right with people. And how important sticking with the meetings and my group is. And last, I was grateful that I was a VISITOR to the de-tox. I was grateful in a very basic way, that I was sober. As much as I think it is important to be grateful for all the "stuff" that goes with BEING sober ... it is also important that I not forget to be grateful for the fact that I AM sober .......
Monday, September 8, 2008
I have lots of thoughts jumbling in my head today, so I beg your pardon in advance for being all over the place.
First and foremost in my thoughts today is a friend of mine who is going through what has to be the worst thing in the world. The death of a child. Compounded by the fact that this child took his own life. I don't think there is recovery from that.
My own nephew took his life coming up on five years ago Nov 1. He had always been a troubled kid, the kind that if it could go wrong for him, it would. Had he lived there is a good chance he could have been one of us. At the point were he took his life, drugs and booze were not an issue, though he had some minor brushes with the law that were alcohol related. They really were of the stupid kind though. He was once arrested for transporting alcohol illegally. True storey, he drank in Canada were it was legal for him to drink, was a back seat passenger when he got back to good ole USA were he was underage. He was arrested. They were pulled over for car trouble. ?????? That one still blows my mind. Yet that was the "luck" this boy had. I wonder, often actually, had he been given the gift of the 12 steps, could he have found his way out of the hell he thought his life was? Could he have moved on, and found a life that was second to none? Could he have found a life he wanted to live?
Sadly it is not something I will have an answer for in this life time. But I think of him when I hear, many many many times, people at the podium talk about failed suicide attempts, of picking out the tree or bridge they could ram into to end the hell they were going through as active alcoholics. I am always so glad that they failed. I know the pain, the absolute devastation of a suicide in the family.
I would be lying to say I don't understand. Though I never made a attempt on my life as a active alcoholic, I had tried when I was in my teens. I look back on that portion of my life and still wonder about it. The pain that I felt was not really my own if you can follow that. I had (have) a good family, I was not abused, I had a job, friends. But it was not enough to make me happy. Instead I dwell ed on the suffering of people I knew, and people I did not know but read about in the news. Life did not seem worth living. I wanted things to be better, but felt helpless as to how it could happen. So dying seemed like the best way to deal with it. Then I would not have to deal with it anymore. It just would all be over.
Now I am years later, a member of AA, and one of the sayings that has stuck in my head "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" I have had days in sobriety were I wanted to just toss it all overboard, then I think about that saying. I think about all I would have missed out on had one of my attempts in my teens been successful. I think about the loss of my nephew. What we are missing out on not having him today. I know today that whatever is going on, how ever black the hole is ... this too shall pass. It is not a trite saying, to offer minor comfort, but an actual fact of life. Granted, whatever is going on will in fact pass and there is no promise that the next thing on the agenda will be any better .... but it will be different. And I will grow stronger for sticking it out.
And I wish with all my heart and soul that I could reach out to people like my friends son, my nephew, BEFORE they take that final route. Give them a glimmer of the life that could be for them. Show that it is not all so bad. Get them to make a gratitude list of their own. Because even in the darkest of times of my past two years, there has always been something worth being grateful for.
First and foremost in my thoughts today is a friend of mine who is going through what has to be the worst thing in the world. The death of a child. Compounded by the fact that this child took his own life. I don't think there is recovery from that.
My own nephew took his life coming up on five years ago Nov 1. He had always been a troubled kid, the kind that if it could go wrong for him, it would. Had he lived there is a good chance he could have been one of us. At the point were he took his life, drugs and booze were not an issue, though he had some minor brushes with the law that were alcohol related. They really were of the stupid kind though. He was once arrested for transporting alcohol illegally. True storey, he drank in Canada were it was legal for him to drink, was a back seat passenger when he got back to good ole USA were he was underage. He was arrested. They were pulled over for car trouble. ?????? That one still blows my mind. Yet that was the "luck" this boy had. I wonder, often actually, had he been given the gift of the 12 steps, could he have found his way out of the hell he thought his life was? Could he have moved on, and found a life that was second to none? Could he have found a life he wanted to live?
Sadly it is not something I will have an answer for in this life time. But I think of him when I hear, many many many times, people at the podium talk about failed suicide attempts, of picking out the tree or bridge they could ram into to end the hell they were going through as active alcoholics. I am always so glad that they failed. I know the pain, the absolute devastation of a suicide in the family.
I would be lying to say I don't understand. Though I never made a attempt on my life as a active alcoholic, I had tried when I was in my teens. I look back on that portion of my life and still wonder about it. The pain that I felt was not really my own if you can follow that. I had (have) a good family, I was not abused, I had a job, friends. But it was not enough to make me happy. Instead I dwell ed on the suffering of people I knew, and people I did not know but read about in the news. Life did not seem worth living. I wanted things to be better, but felt helpless as to how it could happen. So dying seemed like the best way to deal with it. Then I would not have to deal with it anymore. It just would all be over.
Now I am years later, a member of AA, and one of the sayings that has stuck in my head "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" I have had days in sobriety were I wanted to just toss it all overboard, then I think about that saying. I think about all I would have missed out on had one of my attempts in my teens been successful. I think about the loss of my nephew. What we are missing out on not having him today. I know today that whatever is going on, how ever black the hole is ... this too shall pass. It is not a trite saying, to offer minor comfort, but an actual fact of life. Granted, whatever is going on will in fact pass and there is no promise that the next thing on the agenda will be any better .... but it will be different. And I will grow stronger for sticking it out.
And I wish with all my heart and soul that I could reach out to people like my friends son, my nephew, BEFORE they take that final route. Give them a glimmer of the life that could be for them. Show that it is not all so bad. Get them to make a gratitude list of their own. Because even in the darkest of times of my past two years, there has always been something worth being grateful for.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Grad-ah-tude
Ahhh... the best laid plans of mice and men .... and alcoholics!!
I have not been nearly as good as I wanted to be writing everyday. The only really valid reason is when the computer is not playing well. That falls under "things I can not change" The rest of the time it has been a matter of spinning my wheels and not getting things done. Someday ... sooner rather than later ... I WILL be good about doing the things that are good for me to do... for me!! In the tween time, I take back the everyday posting and will be honest about doing it when I get a chance to. I am going to continue to keep the gratitude list going for myself though. I am grateful today for that list. It really does keep me going!!
I have not been nearly as good as I wanted to be writing everyday. The only really valid reason is when the computer is not playing well. That falls under "things I can not change" The rest of the time it has been a matter of spinning my wheels and not getting things done. Someday ... sooner rather than later ... I WILL be good about doing the things that are good for me to do... for me!! In the tween time, I take back the everyday posting and will be honest about doing it when I get a chance to. I am going to continue to keep the gratitude list going for myself though. I am grateful today for that list. It really does keep me going!!
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