I have lots of thoughts jumbling in my head today, so I beg your pardon in advance for being all over the place.
First and foremost in my thoughts today is a friend of mine who is going through what has to be the worst thing in the world. The death of a child. Compounded by the fact that this child took his own life. I don't think there is recovery from that.
My own nephew took his life coming up on five years ago Nov 1. He had always been a troubled kid, the kind that if it could go wrong for him, it would. Had he lived there is a good chance he could have been one of us. At the point were he took his life, drugs and booze were not an issue, though he had some minor brushes with the law that were alcohol related. They really were of the stupid kind though. He was once arrested for transporting alcohol illegally. True storey, he drank in Canada were it was legal for him to drink, was a back seat passenger when he got back to good ole USA were he was underage. He was arrested. They were pulled over for car trouble. ?????? That one still blows my mind. Yet that was the "luck" this boy had. I wonder, often actually, had he been given the gift of the 12 steps, could he have found his way out of the hell he thought his life was? Could he have moved on, and found a life that was second to none? Could he have found a life he wanted to live?
Sadly it is not something I will have an answer for in this life time. But I think of him when I hear, many many many times, people at the podium talk about failed suicide attempts, of picking out the tree or bridge they could ram into to end the hell they were going through as active alcoholics. I am always so glad that they failed. I know the pain, the absolute devastation of a suicide in the family.
I would be lying to say I don't understand. Though I never made a attempt on my life as a active alcoholic, I had tried when I was in my teens. I look back on that portion of my life and still wonder about it. The pain that I felt was not really my own if you can follow that. I had (have) a good family, I was not abused, I had a job, friends. But it was not enough to make me happy. Instead I dwell ed on the suffering of people I knew, and people I did not know but read about in the news. Life did not seem worth living. I wanted things to be better, but felt helpless as to how it could happen. So dying seemed like the best way to deal with it. Then I would not have to deal with it anymore. It just would all be over.
Now I am years later, a member of AA, and one of the sayings that has stuck in my head "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" I have had days in sobriety were I wanted to just toss it all overboard, then I think about that saying. I think about all I would have missed out on had one of my attempts in my teens been successful. I think about the loss of my nephew. What we are missing out on not having him today. I know today that whatever is going on, how ever black the hole is ... this too shall pass. It is not a trite saying, to offer minor comfort, but an actual fact of life. Granted, whatever is going on will in fact pass and there is no promise that the next thing on the agenda will be any better .... but it will be different. And I will grow stronger for sticking it out.
And I wish with all my heart and soul that I could reach out to people like my friends son, my nephew, BEFORE they take that final route. Give them a glimmer of the life that could be for them. Show that it is not all so bad. Get them to make a gratitude list of their own. Because even in the darkest of times of my past two years, there has always been something worth being grateful for.
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