One to go....

At last nights meeting the speaker called it "the deadly triangle"  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years"  So true so true so true. 

I have another one under my belt, and Saturday night will be spent in celebration of friends from my home group getting married.  I know I really won't breath all the way easy though until it is all a done deal.  Down the road in my sobriety I hope the holidays get a bit easier.  Right now they are so filled with self induced stress that makes me more than a little scared.  Then I get cranky.  Character defects surface. 

The good news, I do have a defence.  I am no longer powerless against that first drink.  Instead I can call people, go to a meeting and identify what is going on and why I could even consider a drink.  God forbid that first drink reaches my lips though.  All the gains I have made in the past six years would be gone with that first sip.  I would once again be powerless over alcohol.

I have been debating going to a meeting tonight.  I went to one this afternoon, I went last night..  And it is apparent that I need to go to one tonight regardless of the fact that I still have laundry to put away and cleaning to do. 

Pick up the tools, use them.  THAT is what needs to be done on a daily basis.

Not at a Bar

Thanksgiving Eve.  Home.  Not at a bar.  The house is scented with nutmeg, squash, chocolate and onions.  Yep, onions.  The table is set, what can be cooked it cooked or cooking.  No chaos.  Calm.  Not at a bar.  Tomorrow will bring a little chaos, family.  Those last minute details.  Baby smiles.  Hugs.  Meetings.  More hugs.  A celebration of the joy of sobriety.  Honest emotions missing those that are no longer here.  Real emotions.  Not at a bar.  The day will end with over full belly.  Sleep.  Peace.  Not at a bar

Made it!

Well I made it to my six year mark and a day at a time I can't wait to see what year seven is going to bring!!  I know it will be a mix of good and bad, that is life on life's terms after all.  Moments of pure joy and gratitude as well as moments were I questions everything I believe and work for. 

Today I have choices though about how I will deal with things.  Even how I anticipate them.  I can wake up each morning and let the negative thoughts call the shots "oh the weather is bad, I have so much work to do, I have such a long day at work,  ............"  I could give you a full list of all the negative thoughts and fears but choose not to stir the nest so to speak.  I try really hard to stay out of that neighborhood in my head.  To much like Hotel California!! 

Instead I try each day to reach for the good stuff.  Through work and persistence the past few years doing that has paid off.  I really do find a simple joy in each day.  Bright red berry's that stand out in a gloomy day.  It is not a million dollars but it is still pretty nifty.  An unexpected text or phone call from someone I love.  My mom laughing when I come home at night "Hi  home I'm Honey" (I don't know why that tickles her but it does!! ) My dad talking about the meeting he went to or golf game he played.  Pictures of the wonderful amazing babies. 

As my friend Peter says, "Today is a Good Day"

One Week ~

A week from today, if I keep doing what I am suppose to be doing, I will have six years of sobriety.  Wow. 
I have a bit of the PMS (pre-medallion-syndrome) going on.  Reflecting on the past, goods and bads, recent and long ago. 
Time to take a look at my feet, where am I today?  Today is the day that matters.
Today I woke up and said "Hi God".  I woke up sober.  Because I woke up sober I feel pretty good about the day.  I have some "stuff" floating around in my life right now that is not so great but because I am sober I know that however it works out it will be ok.  Perhaps not the way I would like it but it will be ok.  I have things to look forward to today.  The babies are coming over this afternoon.  That will fill my heart with pure joy.  Because I am sober I will be with them all the way while they are here.  Such a huge gift.  I have my meeting tonight and will see people I care about and care about me.  I will learn something today.  Right now I don't know what it is, it may have already been presented to me and I don't see it yet.  But I KNOW I will learn something, I do everyday.  How wonderful.
I am wearing clean comfortable clothes.  I have a little (very little) money in my pocket but it is enough to cover all the needs I have.  Gas in the car, food in my belly. 
A God that loves me.
A life.
Yup, I have to keep myself in today.  Today is good.  Not perfect but it is good.  I am sober.  Today.

Short and sweet

Not a day goes by that I do not find something to be grateful for in my life.  It does not matter how bad things "feel" I know they can get worse, so rather than dwell on that I look for things to smile about.  I may not always smile smile on the outside but I feel a little lighter on the inside.

Today has been one of those days and that being said I will share a short but sweet gratitude list:

1. Belief in a power great than me that is taking care of me even as I type.

2. SOBRIETY

3. A family that loves me and I love back

4. BABIES ~ just looking at the pictures of the little ones we have running around fills my heart with joy.

5. Plants that hug bird feeders.  Just because.

See, simple.  I could and perhaps should go all out with a big list as a reminder to myself just how many things I have going on in my life that are positive.  It is important sometimes for me to take an inventory of all the good stuff.  One of the things I fear is that I will allow my negative thinking creep in for the take over again. 

Life is good.  Today

This is a picture of my "garden".  At the start of the summer it was dirt and leaves.  I cleaned it up and planted some seeds, a hodgepodge wildflower mix.  I had no idea what if anything would grow.  All summer long I watered and weeded, sometimes I am sure pulling out some of the flowers as well as the weeds. It made me happy to hunker down in the heat and tend to my little garden.  

 Little by slow things began to grow.  Finally some flowers.  And a random tomato plan.  The garden is not organized or lush and that is ok.  It works for me.  Many of the seeds did not grow.  That's ok too.  What is there makes me happy.

My sobriety is a lot like that garden.  When I first got sober I was all dirt and leaves.  I came in the halls of AA and cleaned up a bit.  A hodgepodge of ideas were presented to me.  Some grew and blossomed.  I still have to tend to me, watch out for the weeds and sometimes some good ideas get tossed because I don't recognize them as such.  And occasionally a random tomato plant grows.  And I am happy.  Not perfect, not landscaped but blooming. 

This past weekend I had to go to a wake for a special guy who never got to the point I am at today.  It broke my heart.  I made my plans to go and not until the day of did I realize that "oh shit" there were going to be people at this wake that do not like me.  They knew me when and don't know me now.  I had a little bit of anxiety.  Then I took a look at me, everything I have done to bloom and I was ok.  It was and is ok that they don't like me.  I did not give them much to like.  I am also not that pile of dirt today and I know that.  I neither needed or wanted their approval, it was not why I was going to the wake.  I was going because it was the right thing to do for me and my friend.  The right things were important.  The right seeds have been planted and grown in me. 

The fact that this is still itching me  a bit shows that some weeding needs to be done though.  I am hopeful that by putting it to words the last of the anxiety will leave.  I am fairly certain that some new seeds have been planted via this experience.  Like the ones for my garden I am not real sure what they are at the moment but I am going to tend to them and see what blooms.

Impact

It has been a minute or two since I have posted last. So many things have happened in the past six months it is amazing, for me at least. I am "done" with school, have a new job and continue to be blessed with amazing people in my life. All of the things that have happened in my life are gifts of sobriety and the God of my understanding!!

As always I have numerous thoughts twirling through my head. Right now what keeps popping up is how so much of my life revolves around my addiction. Thank you God today it is in a positive way but I would not be were I am today, doing the things I am doing, loving life on a daily basis if I was not an alcoholic.

Just as my active addiction touched and impacted those around me so does my recovery. The circle of recovery is bigger than that of active addiction and I consider that a twofold blessing. One that the damage I caused out right in active addiction was of far less impact than recovery. Second that my circle of living has grown so much.

Unlike when I was active, living in the denial that I was hurting anyone, I can see how being in recovery blankets those around me. A recent family trip that would have caused any sane person to drink ~ I did not. I rolled with what was going on for the majority of the trip and did not have to add to the drama. I could also see how AA's impact in my fathers life kept him from what could have been major explosions. Two days ago I was able to just sit with my daughter eating doughnuts and cider, relaxed, enjoying a fall day. My daughter informed me she was content. Peace that was shared. Two VIP's in my life that joined the fellowship and have remained. One celebrated a year last month and the other (God willing) will do the same in early November.

A few glimpses of how recovery is working in my life. From not believing I was hurting anyone, to seeing how my own sobriety impacts those around me, yet another gift from God.

Is there a bit of irony in the fact that it was denial that what I was doing impacted those around me (so I could keep doing it) and acceptance that what I do today impacts others and inspires me to keep doing what I do? Yah, a bit. I wish I could say that if I knew the pain I was causing that I would have stopped but I don't think it would have happened. I would have isolated more to try and lessen the damage or something along those lines and no doubt drank more to deal with the feelings of guilt and shame. It is crazy how the disease works.

Not today though. I am a far cry from perfect but I am a hell of a lot better. That is not ego talking either. If all that I did was stay sober that would be a huge improvement in my world and the impact I have on it but I also continue to make improvements to self so that I can be a better person. If I am a better person then I have a better impact.

My reward is moments in the sun with my daughter just being content.

Gremlin

Never having an original thought when it comes to

AA it did not surprise me to find out that one I DID think was my own is actually already out there!! For all I know I heard it at a meeting and made it mine, that happens a lot.

This particular thought had been buzzing in my head for a while and I brought it up in group to the men I work with. The disease of addiction is just like those fuzzy little creatures known as Mogwai in the movie GREMLINS.

When it is being taken care of it is pretty harmless. But if you forget the rules ( ask for help, go to meetings, use your sponsor, join a group, be active ) then you end up with the scary dudes that destroy everything in your world.

We all agreed it was a good comparison. I shared the story with my brother who informed me that he had heard the same comparison at a meeting the week before .. lol So much for original thought!!

It's all good though. The comparison stands, the lesson is valuable regardless of who thought it first.

I will stick with doing what I know is working and keep in mind that although my disease is wearing a cute little mogwai face right now, it takes very little for it to become a gremlin!

Snow sober

So far this year this has been the landscape. Along with some bitter cold. People, including myself, are tired and cranky from all the shoveling, bundling up to stay warm, the slush, ice, bad driving and other safety issues. The list goes on and on.
The first year of sobriety I would have been crawling out of my skin by now. This type of weather was drinking weather!! Sit at the bar and moan and groan and groan and moan. Oh MY back! Lets have another shot of the blue ones to make the hurts go away. Not that I really needed a reason for drinking but snow storms gave me a good one in my mind.
Due to a couple of people near and dear to my heart joining the fellowship of AA I have had a greater opportunity to take a look at both my drinking and early sobriety. I drank for everything and anything. It was how I could avoid dealing with life. Early in sobriety that first year in particular but even today, when certain emotions or situations arise my first instinct can still be to drink. Make the hurts go away.
The first year I started picking up the tools to combat that reaction at most and defer it at the least. I still have days or rather moments when the knee jerk response is DRINK. Today I can think that through and usually within seconds the thought is gone, I just have for to much to lose. But it still happens.
I keep going to meetings. I talk to people. I dream of the future that awaits this sober person. I try not to look at the landscape as being cold and barren, instead I look and see the vividness of the colors and diamond like wink of the sun dancing in the snow. I look for the beauty and the grace of each day. It is there, it just needs to be sought in order to be found.

Welcome 2011!!

If you are half as fun and interesting as 2010 then I am in for the ride of my life!!





I could never ever in a million years have predicted the drastic changes in my life from one year ago. One year ago the future I envisioned was pretty much what I had already done. Not that I thought it was as good as it was going to get but I figured I would just stay on the same plodding path. As long as I was keeping my sobriety in the number one spot then life was good.





Keeping sobriety number one remains the most important. I pray God that never changes. But so many other things changed. Relationships and jobs ended. What I thought was the end of the road turned out to just be the crest leading to a whole new vista. It has not been without it's storm clouds, life on life's terms after all, but it has also been filled with so much bright and shiny. Some of it is sparkly new right out of the box. Things I dreamed about from a slouched and slobbery stool at the bar, things I never even thought to dream about. Mixed in with that are some older dreams that had been tarnished and dulled through abuse and neglect. They too are starting to shine. Some of the tarnish may never come off ~ life on life's terms ~ but I am not giving up. The shine that is coming through has a depth and warmth that comes only from age and love.





I do not know why God has blessed me the way He has. I do know that I am grateful from the tippty top of my head to the bottom of my toes. I don't have all the details of His plans for me and that is ok. As long as I am willing to let Him call the shots and do the footwork I have not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that everything will work out the way it is suppose to.

One Day At A Time.