Insane??? Who ~ ME????

Well, yes ME!! Step 2 Came to Believe a Power Greater Than Ourselves Can Restore Us To Sanity. Ok, but that means having to admit that I was insane if I need to be restored to sanity. I did not like that step all that much at first. Who wants to admit to being nuts AND alcoholic? One or the other please, not BOTH!!
I will admit, in the first go round I would have rather ed be insane. Then I could drink right? Not. Once I did get into the steps ... just the little baby toe on my left foot dipping in ... I really did not like the label of insane. I read what it had to say in the 12 & 12, and listened at the step meetings, and although it made sense I did not like it. I did not identify with it. I had done some stupid things, but I was not insane.
Two years straight of going to the step meetings, and regular meetings, without me even knowing it I started to resemble that step. I got the part about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results being a definition of insanity. After all, how many hundreds of times did I walk into a bar and KNOW that I was just going to have ONE drink. This time it will be different. And it never was. If for some reason I did actually limit myself to one or two drinks that day, I always made up for it the next time I drank. Insane.
Last night at the awol, we read some examples from the little red book. I found myself nodding my head FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM!! Insane?? Ya think??
Today though, I am walking around a little lighter in the soul department. Last night I really really was able to admit without reservation that yes, I WAS insane. Knowing that, accepting that, and key word being WAS ... really did bump me up a notch in my recovery. I feel better today. Admitting to the insane behaviour that was me did not buy me a stay in a padded room, it opened another door to recovery for me. The benches in this new room might be padded for safety reasons, but also for comfort.