One of the lines from the promises in AA's big book. I will admit to having mixed feelings on that one some of the time. There are plenty of moments from my past that I wish I could deadbolt behind a closed door never to be seen or heard from again. I have just such a situation going on in my life at the moment. BUT .... ahh, there is always a but... Even though I know I have made some pretty ginourmouslycolosal mistakes in my past, and no doubt still have a few ahead of me too ... The promises are correct. I can't regret the past, even the screw ups. They are all what has made me the person that I am today.
Corny as the shows on t.v are, the ones that are about having a "do over" for something you might have wished different in your past, never leads to the person being happy with this "new" life. The baseball they should have hit, the man they should have married, the paper they shouldn't have cheated on... Does not really matter if it is something you should have, or should not have done. It is what has brought you to today. And when it comes right down to it, TODAY is all that matters.
When crap from the past does surface, like right now, my first instinct is to deny, lie, and hide. But I am learning. I accept that what is done is just that, done. I can't go back and change it. What I can do now is learn from it, accept responsiblity for my actions, and even more important is that I have to accept that sometimes I am not going to be forgiven. Just because I am sorry does not make it all ok. Be nice if it did ... but that is not how the real world works. Not everybody has the 12 steps in their life!! And when I am not forgiven, I don't have to drink, I don't have to continue to beat myself up over what is done, and I don't have to grovel and beg for forgiveness that may never come. What I do have to do is accept responsiblity for what has been done, and now just do the next right thing. That is really all I can do, try on a daily basis to do the next right thing. I am not always going to get it. Sometimes my "try" is going to be a little lackluster. I might take my will back from God. But when I catch myself doing that, I just have to start all over again. And TRY.
And I do have to keep that door to the past open, sometimes I have to look back to readjust the journy forward.
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