Now I sit, more than a few 24 hours later, still at Mom and Dads. I am still keeping my recovery number 1 in my life. I go to a meeting 6 out of 7 days a week most of the time and also onnline meetings. I no longer hang out in bars or with people who drink heavy. I start my day thanking God and request His help throughout the day as needed. I also give Him thanks throughout the day for the little things, like pretty flowers, a smiling baby, those simple yet amazing things He puts in my path to continueally show me what a wonderful life I DO have.
And I work the 12 Steps to the best of my ability on a daily basis. I go to a step meeting once a week and hear how others have done it before me, and how they are doing it today. And I learn.
Jumping back to still being at Mom and Dads. That is still the hardest thing I am doing. They have been positively wonderful and supportive. They are also pretty good about leaving me to do my growing on my own terms. The hard part about being here is I am not with my daughter. My husband decided he did not love me anymore due to my alcoholic behaviors. He did not want me back. Does not want me back. I did not fight him or force it because of the fear of picking up a drink. And that, I believe, was my Higher Power looking out for me and guiding me. But I miss my daughter. She is 17 and graduating high school this weekend. She is a wonderful person. And the fact of the matter is, I spend as much if not more time with her now than if I was at home with her. But I miss being at home with her on a daily basis. That is still a huge hole in the pit of my recovery. But, I don't have to drink over it. I can be sad, that's OK. What I can't do is jump up on the pity pot. And knowing that, well that is a sign of my recovery.
What lengths will I go to stay sober today? Whatever it takes, for however long it takes. Keeping in mind, all I really have to do it for is today.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
What Lenghts II
I did not want to be drunk anymore, but I could not stay sober. A very sad, and scary place to be. I knew from the meetings I had gone to that people do in fact stay sober with the help of AA. The ones I saw sober and happy, those were the ones I wanted to be like. So to what lengths was a willing to go this time?
First, I got real serious about my recovery. I had heard that I had to put that first. So, that was my game plan. Put my recovery first for a while. I was not ready in the beginning to even think about recovery being a life long process. I grabbed hold of the "one day at a time", and clung. The other very huge thing was change. I knew I had no hope of staying sober if I did not make some major changes.
I was at the point in my drinking that my husband and daughter were so disgusted with me that when I came home drunk they would ask if I had been drinking, I would say yes and go pass out. The next day we treated it like had not happened. The pink elephant in the middle of the living room. We all know it is there, but if we don't talk about it we can pretend it does not exist. I knew I needed to be held accountable. Sooo... I went to Mom and Dad. My plan was to stay with them a couple of weeks and get a good foundation in sobriety. I asked them to be my sober house. No excuses for not going to meetings. No driving at night. Keep track of were I am. .... I put them in charge of my life in the way I had been rebelling against since I was a teenager and knew everything!
And I think it just might have saved my life.
First, I got real serious about my recovery. I had heard that I had to put that first. So, that was my game plan. Put my recovery first for a while. I was not ready in the beginning to even think about recovery being a life long process. I grabbed hold of the "one day at a time", and clung. The other very huge thing was change. I knew I had no hope of staying sober if I did not make some major changes.
I was at the point in my drinking that my husband and daughter were so disgusted with me that when I came home drunk they would ask if I had been drinking, I would say yes and go pass out. The next day we treated it like had not happened. The pink elephant in the middle of the living room. We all know it is there, but if we don't talk about it we can pretend it does not exist. I knew I needed to be held accountable. Sooo... I went to Mom and Dad. My plan was to stay with them a couple of weeks and get a good foundation in sobriety. I asked them to be my sober house. No excuses for not going to meetings. No driving at night. Keep track of were I am. .... I put them in charge of my life in the way I had been rebelling against since I was a teenager and knew everything!
And I think it just might have saved my life.
Friday, May 25, 2007
To What Lengths..
To what lengths am I willing to go to stay sober?
The first time around, thinking I was giving it my all, I went to an Intensive Outpatient Program that the detox I had gone to offered. I learned so much about addiction. Not just alcohol, but drugs and mental obsessions. Many many people in the halls of AA have dual addictions. Drug/booze would have to be the number one .. but you also see gambling, sex, food, shopping addictions. Not surprising when you think about it. The most important thing I learned though is that I have a disease called alcoholism. Cunning, baffling, evil. This disease wants me dead. And has no problem maiming or killing others as it takes me down. That rant is for another post though.
So I did the IOP and I did learn a lot more than I thought I did. They told me at the IOP that I should go to AA, Join a Group, Get a Sponsor, Get Active. Ok, I did that. And I sat in those seats and did not believe most of what I heard. So..... I stopped that. And I picked up my first drink just shy of 3mnths sober. And yah know what? Nothing happened. Hey, I was CURED .. say AMEN Brother!! See, I knew I was not like THEM....
The thing is though, if you are one of THEM .. and any of what you heard or learned stuck in the gooey stuff up top .... it does affect your drinking. At least it did mine. It really never was that far away from my thoughts that I was an alcoholic.
Skipping forward, there came another day were I knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt I was a alcoholic. I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. I still had a job, still had a husband and daughter, family that loved me. But I had no .. ME. I admitted to myself that I had been lost for such a very long time, and I wanted to be happy. I did not want to be a drunk anymore.
The first time around, thinking I was giving it my all, I went to an Intensive Outpatient Program that the detox I had gone to offered. I learned so much about addiction. Not just alcohol, but drugs and mental obsessions. Many many people in the halls of AA have dual addictions. Drug/booze would have to be the number one .. but you also see gambling, sex, food, shopping addictions. Not surprising when you think about it. The most important thing I learned though is that I have a disease called alcoholism. Cunning, baffling, evil. This disease wants me dead. And has no problem maiming or killing others as it takes me down. That rant is for another post though.
So I did the IOP and I did learn a lot more than I thought I did. They told me at the IOP that I should go to AA, Join a Group, Get a Sponsor, Get Active. Ok, I did that. And I sat in those seats and did not believe most of what I heard. So..... I stopped that. And I picked up my first drink just shy of 3mnths sober. And yah know what? Nothing happened. Hey, I was CURED .. say AMEN Brother!! See, I knew I was not like THEM....
The thing is though, if you are one of THEM .. and any of what you heard or learned stuck in the gooey stuff up top .... it does affect your drinking. At least it did mine. It really never was that far away from my thoughts that I was an alcoholic.
Skipping forward, there came another day were I knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt I was a alcoholic. I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. I still had a job, still had a husband and daughter, family that loved me. But I had no .. ME. I admitted to myself that I had been lost for such a very long time, and I wanted to be happy. I did not want to be a drunk anymore.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Onnline AA
I still go to meetings, face to face, pretty much everyday. A friend once commented that it made no sense to stay home and watch a show about Survivors when he could come to a meeting and be with the real deal. I thought then, and now, that it was a very valid point. So I go to a meeting every weeknight and Sunday mornings.
But once in a while .. I just don't feel like going. But I still think it is important to be in the fellowship of AA everyday if I can. In comes AA online. www.aaonline.net to be exact. They have a topic meeting several times a day. Then open chat the rest of the time if you have something on your mind. As with all the online communities I have got involved with over the years, 90% of them are great people. A privilege to get to listen to.
The part that has amazed me, with so many AA meetings around me, are the people who are in the boonies and may have to travel an hour or more to get to the closest meeting to them. They do it. They might only get one face to face meeting a week, but it is that important to them that the do it. I have three meetings that I go to that are less than 5 minute walking. So it is not something I think all that much about. Seeing these people online has been great to know what lengths people really do go to to stay sober.
But once in a while .. I just don't feel like going. But I still think it is important to be in the fellowship of AA everyday if I can. In comes AA online. www.aaonline.net to be exact. They have a topic meeting several times a day. Then open chat the rest of the time if you have something on your mind. As with all the online communities I have got involved with over the years, 90% of them are great people. A privilege to get to listen to.
The part that has amazed me, with so many AA meetings around me, are the people who are in the boonies and may have to travel an hour or more to get to the closest meeting to them. They do it. They might only get one face to face meeting a week, but it is that important to them that the do it. I have three meetings that I go to that are less than 5 minute walking. So it is not something I think all that much about. Seeing these people online has been great to know what lengths people really do go to to stay sober.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Missing Friendship
I consider myself very fortunate. I have a wonderful and supportive family, some great friends outside of AA, an amazing bunch of women that I e-mail with (we started as a book club and are so much more now!) and now I have a group of sober friends as well.
When I was drinking I would tell myself I did not need or want any new friends. What I did not know was that the thought of a new friend, and the possibility of time a way from my drinking was what I was avoiding. Oh I had plenty of bar friends. I think they are still waiting for me to come back from the bathroom. But I did not open myself up to having any friends that did not drink the way I did. And there is no way I would have believed you had you told me this when I was active.
I look back at that and wonder what did I miss? I don't dwell on it, but I do wonder about it. People are, and have always been a big part of my life. I am very social. For the longest time I have shut myself away from getting to really know anyone new.
I have to watch myself with my AA people. There are many whom I care about a great deal, but have found myself holding back crossing the line into a real friendship. The past 18 months my main objective has been me. And I think that has been good .. I am still sober! However, AA is teaching me to be well, and be a productive member of society. The goal is not to live out my years in basements listening to a bunch of drunks. The goal is to LIVE! And that includes having real friends. It is a little scary after so many years of bar friends. In the back of my head were the bad stuff hangs out are whispers of what will I do if my new friend goes out. How will I deal with that? What I am coming to realize though is that there are risks in all relationships, so it is pretty stupid to hold back on AA people on the chance that they may go out and drink. If I keep that attitude up, I will be looking back someday and wondering again, What did I miss?
When I was drinking I would tell myself I did not need or want any new friends. What I did not know was that the thought of a new friend, and the possibility of time a way from my drinking was what I was avoiding. Oh I had plenty of bar friends. I think they are still waiting for me to come back from the bathroom. But I did not open myself up to having any friends that did not drink the way I did. And there is no way I would have believed you had you told me this when I was active.
I look back at that and wonder what did I miss? I don't dwell on it, but I do wonder about it. People are, and have always been a big part of my life. I am very social. For the longest time I have shut myself away from getting to really know anyone new.
I have to watch myself with my AA people. There are many whom I care about a great deal, but have found myself holding back crossing the line into a real friendship. The past 18 months my main objective has been me. And I think that has been good .. I am still sober! However, AA is teaching me to be well, and be a productive member of society. The goal is not to live out my years in basements listening to a bunch of drunks. The goal is to LIVE! And that includes having real friends. It is a little scary after so many years of bar friends. In the back of my head were the bad stuff hangs out are whispers of what will I do if my new friend goes out. How will I deal with that? What I am coming to realize though is that there are risks in all relationships, so it is pretty stupid to hold back on AA people on the chance that they may go out and drink. If I keep that attitude up, I will be looking back someday and wondering again, What did I miss?
Monday, May 21, 2007
I made it to the halls of AA. And a day at a time here I stay. I have not done it all the way it has been suggested, I just got a sponsor about a month ago. At first I think part of me was resisting the AA thing just because. I knew AA worked .. I had met some amazing people who had been in AA for years. But I was still thinking I could do it on my own. I would just go to AA for back up :) I think also I still had the concern that AA was a cult. All the GOD stuff... ewww, must be a cult. Well, if you are new to AA .. it is not a cult. Higher Power ... believe that I believe if you don't have one. The openness of how your Higher Power can be whatever works for you is really one of the amazing things about the AA program. I have met but a few out of thousands that insist on the HP being GOD. It really allows each person to make there own program. That really is a pretty cool thing. Now my Higher Power is the God of MY understanding. I was brought up Catholic, and I do get comfort from going to church now and then, but my spirituality is something I treasure now. My God is really great ... loves me He does. Always has. And now He is happy that I have found my way back to Him. A day at a time.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Who knew? I sure as heck didn't. My name is Kris, and I am a alcoholic. This will be my third attempt at blogging my recovery. Do not expect a fourth or fifth step here, would not be all that interesting anyways :) What I hope to do is talk about my recovery on a daily basis, same way I deal with it.
Anything I might say on this blog about AA would be my interpretation unless I quote and give credit to AA literature.
I will now briefly claim my seat.
I have plenty of YET's and nothing major to report in the way of jackpots. No DUI's, pc's, wrecked cars, jail, and I never lived on the street. I did not drink when I was a kid, my parents are not drunks or abusive. But I am still a drunk. Like I said, who knew?
I was 21 when I started drinking on anything that could be considered a regular basis. I have not a clue as to when I started crossing the line. I do know now that I never once drank for anything but the buzz. I felt cheated if I went someplace and could not drink and get a high off it.
At first it was a little by slow progression. From drinking in the weekend warrior style, to during the week, to every day. My husband and daughter wanted me to stop drinking, I would "control" the drinking for a bit to get them off my case. The last 5 years of my drinking found me in bars, and the last year I upgraded from beer to more and more vodka and shots. The joke was I had had enough to drink when I started ordering the Absolute and Vodka drinks .....
The first time anyone told me I was a alcoholic was when I went to see a doctor about a surgery. She told me not to stop stop drinking because I was in danger of having seizures. I of course did not believe her. But I did listen to her, and I thought about it. About two months later I was pulling a typical drunk move of getting cocked two days before the new year so I could have a day to recover and be ready to really party on New Years Eve. Leading up to that I had given lots of thought to what the Dr had told me. (I did say briefly, so going to jump ahead for now).
That night something happened to me. I realized that I could not stop drinking. Not on my own, not without help. I honestly did not know HOW to stop, or even what I should do. That night when my husband tracked me down in a bar ... I told him I needed help, and needed it now, tonight. Because tomorrow I would not have a problem.
That night, December 27, 2004 was the beginning of my journey into sobriety. I wish I could say that I have been sober all that time, but I was not done living my story. Relapse is not a requirement of sobriety, however it does happen far to often. And it is part of my story. I had what I hope was my last drink November 3, 2005.
When I got back on the wagon I went to were people go to get, and stay sober. I went to the halls of AA. And one day at a time I have stayed sober. It has been an incredible journey. Many ups, many downs, but I am working of having the tools to deal with both .... WITHOUT picking up a drink.
And that is enough for this post I think. Unless I want to stay up all night!
Anything I might say on this blog about AA would be my interpretation unless I quote and give credit to AA literature.
I will now briefly claim my seat.
I have plenty of YET's and nothing major to report in the way of jackpots. No DUI's, pc's, wrecked cars, jail, and I never lived on the street. I did not drink when I was a kid, my parents are not drunks or abusive. But I am still a drunk. Like I said, who knew?
I was 21 when I started drinking on anything that could be considered a regular basis. I have not a clue as to when I started crossing the line. I do know now that I never once drank for anything but the buzz. I felt cheated if I went someplace and could not drink and get a high off it.
At first it was a little by slow progression. From drinking in the weekend warrior style, to during the week, to every day. My husband and daughter wanted me to stop drinking, I would "control" the drinking for a bit to get them off my case. The last 5 years of my drinking found me in bars, and the last year I upgraded from beer to more and more vodka and shots. The joke was I had had enough to drink when I started ordering the Absolute and Vodka drinks .....
The first time anyone told me I was a alcoholic was when I went to see a doctor about a surgery. She told me not to stop stop drinking because I was in danger of having seizures. I of course did not believe her. But I did listen to her, and I thought about it. About two months later I was pulling a typical drunk move of getting cocked two days before the new year so I could have a day to recover and be ready to really party on New Years Eve. Leading up to that I had given lots of thought to what the Dr had told me. (I did say briefly, so going to jump ahead for now).
That night something happened to me. I realized that I could not stop drinking. Not on my own, not without help. I honestly did not know HOW to stop, or even what I should do. That night when my husband tracked me down in a bar ... I told him I needed help, and needed it now, tonight. Because tomorrow I would not have a problem.
That night, December 27, 2004 was the beginning of my journey into sobriety. I wish I could say that I have been sober all that time, but I was not done living my story. Relapse is not a requirement of sobriety, however it does happen far to often. And it is part of my story. I had what I hope was my last drink November 3, 2005.
When I got back on the wagon I went to were people go to get, and stay sober. I went to the halls of AA. And one day at a time I have stayed sober. It has been an incredible journey. Many ups, many downs, but I am working of having the tools to deal with both .... WITHOUT picking up a drink.
And that is enough for this post I think. Unless I want to stay up all night!
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