To What Lengths..

To what lengths am I willing to go to stay sober?
The first time around, thinking I was giving it my all, I went to an Intensive Outpatient Program that the detox I had gone to offered. I learned so much about addiction. Not just alcohol, but drugs and mental obsessions. Many many people in the halls of AA have dual addictions. Drug/booze would have to be the number one .. but you also see gambling, sex, food, shopping addictions. Not surprising when you think about it. The most important thing I learned though is that I have a disease called alcoholism. Cunning, baffling, evil. This disease wants me dead. And has no problem maiming or killing others as it takes me down. That rant is for another post though.
So I did the IOP and I did learn a lot more than I thought I did. They told me at the IOP that I should go to AA, Join a Group, Get a Sponsor, Get Active. Ok, I did that. And I sat in those seats and did not believe most of what I heard. So..... I stopped that. And I picked up my first drink just shy of 3mnths sober. And yah know what? Nothing happened. Hey, I was CURED .. say AMEN Brother!! See, I knew I was not like THEM....
The thing is though, if you are one of THEM .. and any of what you heard or learned stuck in the gooey stuff up top .... it does affect your drinking. At least it did mine. It really never was that far away from my thoughts that I was an alcoholic.
Skipping forward, there came another day were I knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt I was a alcoholic. I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. I still had a job, still had a husband and daughter, family that loved me. But I had no .. ME. I admitted to myself that I had been lost for such a very long time, and I wanted to be happy. I did not want to be a drunk anymore.