Tri-Fecta

One down, two to go!!

Five years later and I have to admit I do still find the holiday season a bit of a struggle. Not a huge one, thank You God, but thoughts of drinking and a longing for the bar still flavors my thoughts.

I did this year for T-day what I have been doing ... went to meetings. I went to an alkathon in the morning with my dad. It was a great way to start my day. Surrounded by people who know just how I feel. Surrounded by people who just like me felt a tad bit off because it was a holiday.

It did not matter how many years of sobriety we had, it mattered not if we had family back in our lives or are still on the outs. Something about the holiday and the monster inside starts the jabbering that "it was not all that bad!! Remember that time ..." and some of the "fun" of drinking starts floating through.

But I did not have to drink.

Instead I met my family obligation and did in fact have an enjoyable time with them. I am blessed in that I do in fact like my family and they like me back. I played with my brothers girlfriends grand kids and did not have to worry about balancing a baby and a beer. I did have to balance a baby and a plate of food! (Only got a little bit in her hair) And in return this one year old would look up at me with big eyes full of trust, offer me a handful of smooshed stuffing and smile a big ole drooley baby smile when I gave her a kiss. Awesome.

I went to two more meetings after that. When I finally made it to bed I was tired and content with my life. I did not drink.

Five years One Week

And there just plain is not enough space in all the world to list the gifts God has given me.

Last week I went out to breakfast with my daughter. (gift) One of the topics of conversation was another vip in my life, who, a couple of years ago said to me "I am pretty sure I have a problem but I am not ready to do anything about it". Fair enough. I said to him at the time that I would not force stuff down his throat but would on occasion ask if he wanted to go to a meeting. No pressure.

I came home from work that day and found a e-mail from said vip. He was ready. (GINORMOUS GIFT). He went to his first meeting that night and will have a solid week tomorrow. One Day At A Time!!!

God doing His God thing all over the place in my life. I now have two very special people who have come into the halls of AA. They are now helping each other as well. It has been pretty special to see vip1 talk to vip2 about what he has learned so far in his journey.

With my crazy schedule right now I have felt bad that I am not "doing" enough for either of them, so I did what I did best and gave it over to God. Silly human that I am to be feeling bad in the first place. God had a plan from the start, I am just a little part of it. (gift).

I am so glad for my life right now and the people in it. I am constantly amazed by the people God has brought into my life. Both AA'ers and Earth People. He chose them well for me so that I may never forget the power of example they set. Good times and bad.

HOPE

The past month has been a topsy turvy one. Some goods, some not so goods. So I went to meetings. Lots of them!! The common theme that I heard was about HOPE. There is hope in the halls of AA. Regardless of any problems at this moment, regardless of any issues that lay in the past, regardless of potential problems in the future. Today there is hope. There is HOPE in the halls.
As I sat in the meetings and listened to others share their own hope, I thought about it. Hope. When did I start having it? How did I get it? Do I STILL have it?
Although I can't pin it down for certain, when I first came in I don't think I would have recognized HOPE if it was dressed in gold and wearing a name tag, I believe the first taste of hope came when I was sent to the emergency room for help. At that moment I had hope that my problems with the booze would end.
The meetings that came into the de-tox brought yet another taste of hope. That I too could be happy like those people.
My disease of course fought very hard against any and all versions of hope. Hope could lead to to a desire to change. Change could lead to elimination of a desire to drink. My disease did not want that!
Yet the seeds of hope had been planted. I had a little itty bit of hope. Those seeds fought very hard for the next year to grow roots. I did not make it easy for them. I neglected them and allowed weeds to grow all around. I gave the barest of nutrients to help them grow. I believed them to be dead. Still, they took root.
When the time arrived that I was ready to get sober those seeds of hope began to flourish. They grew and they grew and they grew. Instead of sitting at meetings and hear what I was not, I heard what I was and even more important what I could be. Happy.
By going to meetings and listening and watching those around me I continue to nurture the hope in my life. The people in the meetings are the sun, rain food of hope for me.
No matter HOW topsy turvy life gets, I have HOPE today. On those occasions when I am feeling a bit hopeless all I have to do is listen and watch. There is HOPE in the halls of AA.

Moments of Clarity

I have had the opportunity the past few weeks to really "see" were I am in my sobriety. Not that I understand it all, not by a LONG shot .. but I have been able to evaluate were I am today with a little more clarity than usual. Part of it is being involved in the AWOL. Right off the bat that has me taking a more in depth look at were am I now. Other bits and pieces of this eye opener have to do with the v.i.p. and hitting more meetings with him, a friend receiving his five year medallion, a wedding, school starting .... actually a pretty full plate of things.
A big part of this self evaluation had me wondering if I do in fact practice what I preach so to speak. My mouth makes the noise about practicing the twelve steps in all of my affairs but do I DO it? For real? In my heart of hearts?
Conclusion: There is room for improvement but I do believe in the things I say and I do in fact try to live my life according to the principles of AA. I have to watch my snarky tongue at times, amusement at the expense of others can be hurtful. I have to keep my ego, my fears, my self-centerdness "right sized" so that they do not overwhelm me or people around me. I need to be quicker to hand over the good stuff along with the bad to the God of my understanding. And the reason I need to do all this stuff is because I believe it works. I KNOW it works.
As I am about to embark on a new school year and work adventure knowing these things and shoring up the foundation of this new me will only make life better.
I need to stay open of mind and heart to let God show me when He is doing His God thing!!

Gifts

I am constantly amazed at the gifts of sobriety in my life. Ninty Nine percent of those gifts come in the form of people. God has put some pretty amazing and wonderful people in my life. To learn from, to laugh with. to love, to grow. Although most of them are AA, not all are. God just keeps blessing me were ever I go!!

Tonight I went out with a couple of classmates. We have been trying all summer to get together and we finally did it. A year ago I did not know these ladies at all. Today they are an important part of my life! We have not been in close contact since school let out but sitting with them tonight it was like a day had not passed. Nothing major was said or done tonight, chit chat and chowing on food. So nice to be able to sit and relax, not worry about when the waiter was going to come back with our drinks or how much I could drink in front of them or if I had enough money for another drink!

I really do like this new life!!

Seeing Assets?

Back to working on step four in this new AWOL. The part I am having such a hard time with on the writing are my assets. I can see them, see were I have made improvements. I can even acknowledge that there ARE assets to be found!! What an amazing change from the person who walked into the halls four years ago. I have worth, I have value, I am a good person ................ BUT..........

Every time I go to write out the asset I seem to add the BUT and go on to find all the ways I need to improve on what I have. What starts out as an asset ends up being a defect. In all honesty it is making me crazy.

Tonight at the AWOL what was suggested ~ because I am not the only one having the issue ~ is to just STOP at the BUT. Just end it. If I really really have to complete the character assassination on my self, go back to the defect and keep writing.

My personal reflection on these asset/ defects overall is that I want more growth and change and when it comes to Step Seven I am asking for help and God's will ...... then taking them right back. I need to just write as is, then prepare the list again so I can make those changes with God's help on Step Seven .......

Through Strangers Eyes .....

Recently a v.i.p in my life who is not an alcoholic has met a bunch of my AA buddies and went to a meeting with me. This is a little different from when Dad started coming with me for a number of reasons, one being BOTH Dad and I were "new" to AA when he started coming.



Now I have been around for a little bit and sitting in a hall is as comfortable as sitting at my kitchen table. As I sat next to my v.i.p last night I caught myself both wondering what he made of all this AA stuff and thinking about what it was like for me when I very first started to come to AA.



The very first go round in the halls I had my defences up. I really did NOT want to be an alcoholic and did not want to be at those meetings. They were a waste of my time!! How in God's name was I going to get sober listening to a bunch of people whining and exaggerating about their past. I "heard" about d.u.i's, living under bridges, broken homes, jail. suicide attempts. I heard that although they were sober today bad things continued to happen to them. Lost jobs, family, houses, health. What was the point in being sober if all the bad stuff was going to continue? Ya, not so much this AA thing for me.



I kept going to meetings even after I picked up though. Despite seeing and hearing so much negativity I also saw people laughing, smiling, content. Out of the corner of my eye I watched them, half the time not even aware that that was what I was doing.



When the day came that I hope I put the drink down for good, "enough" and penetrated for me to know that if I was going to get sober and stay sober I needed to become a "part of" AA. I still did not want to.



I went to the meetings and tried to "identify" instead of comparing with the speakers. Sometime, ok MOST of the time that was hard to do. Some of the things I just plain did not want to hear. But I kept going. Dad by my side. We would come home from the meetings and talk the meeting to death. In a good way. Trying to figure out how the message heard that night applied to my life now and in the future.

Somewhere along the line without me really noticing it, within seconds of entering a meeting that "home" feeling would settle in. What a wonderful wonderful gift. I know it is the same for Dad.

It is hard to comprehend when you first walk through the doors that the day will come when you are one of those happy smiling people. It is also very important for this drunk to never forget the pain and disbelief of when I first walked through the doors.

Resentment

Resentment - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary: "a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury"

My last go round with Step Four, when it came to the part about resentments I was surprised at how few I had. I had and continue to hear of other people having these GINORMOUS list of resentments. I worried that I was doing the step wrong just for the fact that I was not loaded with resentments!! How can this be when others have list after list after list of them?

I have very good people in my life, that is why my list of resentments continues to be one of the smaller ones for character defects. I was told that having a resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to get ill or die from it. The only one who is damaged by holding onto a resentment is ME. It also says in the big book that people like me should best leave these types of feelings to those that can handle them. Resentments will lead me to a drink.

The wonderful lady who ran that awol from a couple of years ago would just LIGHT UP when she talked about her life today, FREE OF RESENTMENTS. The freedom, the joy, the peace. When I feel a snarly one coming on, I remember today to pray for the person who is pissing me off ... lol And no, not for a piano to land on their head!! I pray that God gives them just what He thinks they need. And I don't worry about what that is. And that wonderful lady is right, freedom, joy, peace. I get to have it all as long as that list continues to stay small.

Getting it & Giving it away!!

There is a part in either the 12 & 12 or big book about the newly sober person working the program of AA and wanting to share it with everyone they know! From the first time I read that and right up until today I identify with that. I want to share what I have with EVERYONE I know ... AA or not.

Doing the AWOL tonight I really just wanted to wrap a few of the newer people up in "what I know today". As we start the writing for the fourth step and they are scared and not seeing past all the bad stuff in their life, I want to show them how good they are!! How absolutely wonderful they have always been deep down inside. I want to show them how much better they are going to continue to get as they continue their journey in recovery.

The things I "get" now that I did not get the start of my last awol ~ sigh ~ and as much as I want to "give" I know they have to "get" in their own time. But I can help if no other way that by being there and saying "hey, I walked through my fear and I am so happy with the results here I am doing it again!!"

There is just so much good in my life as the result of AA it is hard sometimes to not get carried away with "giving". I try all the time to remind myself that the absolute best way to "share" is to live according the the principles laid out in the program. To the best of my ability!! Progress, not perfection!!

I think the biggest thing I would just hand over as the best gift I could possibly give anyone, AA or Earthling, is the faith, belief and trust I have today in my Higher Power. It just feels so good. Better than good, GREAT! Having that Power Greater than me, turning my will and my life over to Her on a daily basis, never ever being alone again. Knowing that He loves me just the way I am. Amazing. Seeing those little day to day miracles and naming them as such. God doing His God thing. Blessed. Sooooo many gifts. I can't count them all and it would take me two lifetimes to give away all that I have been given in such a short time.

Can I get a Amen????

TODAY

Struggling a little to come up with a title tonight. Went to a meeting tonight and learned that one of their mainstays had passed away last Saturday. This man to them was like Steady Eddie to me. It comes as no surprise that Allan was also very much like Eddie. Always had his hand out to the new comer and always was working his program. Even when he (like Eddie) was on his way out the door he was still trying to reach his for the new person and show them how wonderful life is sober.
I am pondering a bit, are these people ~ THESE ~ people all along and they just get so very lost in the drinking they stop? Were they this kind hearted from the get go? Or is it learned in the halls? The gift of sobriety is so great and it literally just burst from me at times. I want to share from the rooftops this wonderful life I have. I would do anything to help a person "get" this. Has that always been in me and now I know how to do it? Or is it just this program?

Well, when it comes down to it ~ don't really matter. It is what it is TODAY. Today is the day I AM living. Today is the day that matters. Simple.

R.I.P Allen. You will be missed.

Like Learning To Drive A Car

Ok, so it may be kind of random however I believe the analogy fits. Getting sober is like learning to drive. Think about it. You go to an AA meeting and see all these sober people. Happy and satisfied with their sober lives. You want that and you know you can do it. How many times before you actually got behind the wheel did you know you could drive the car?? Want to drive the car??

Then came the first driving lesson. Turns out there is a bit more to driving the car than just moving the wheel around. You have to be aware of what is around you, speed limits, other cars, children, weather. Many many factors in order to drive the car safely. Adjusting the seat, the mirrors, ok even the radio!! How much gas to give the car, how hard to press on the brake? Were are the damn windshield wipers???? Wow, it is not as easy as it looks.

Hands sweat, stomach clenches, walking is not so bad right? You are encouraged by friends and family to do it anyways. Parents are praying that you understand the importance of being a safe driver and that they never get "that call".

You listen to the instructions of the person brave enough to take you out driving. You make some mistakes, forget to look in the mirror before starting the car, hands are not at 10 and 2..... That's ok, you are learning. You hit the open road, the stakes are pretty high. If you make a mistake now the potential is death for you, your passenger and other people in your path. Complete destruction. Scary.

You practice, you start paying more attention to what others do behind the wheel. You learn, you get better, you pass the test. With each repletion of driving you get better ( well hopefully you do .... ) You never stop learning though. Each road has its challenges to be over come. Each day with traffic and weather conditions require thought and skill to drive. But you do it.

So how is this like AA? What made me think of it in the first place was watching a student driver the other day. For whatever reason I was zapped back in time to the first time I officially drove. (we won't talk about the time I drove my sisters jeep in the driveway .... and got caught!!)

What first came to me was that sick sensation in my stomach. Today I know it as fear and anxiety. The sweaty hands. The "oh God help me" prayer because there was just to much to remember and I would NOT be able to do it!! Just like the first time I walked through the doors of AA.

When I walked in the doors I thought getting sober was going to be as easy as ... well, driving a car!! Just stop drinking. I quickly discovered that there was a lot MORE than just stop drinking. I did not understand half of half of half of it. And that was on a GOOD day!

I met some people that were willing and brave enough to give me instructions. They told me some mistakes were ok to make, others would be deadly. They told me some of the roads I would take would be challenging beyond belief but I would be able to navigate them if I was following the rules of the road. They told me some of the roads would be pretty and enjoyable, yet I should drive them with the same vigilance as the hard ones. You will be just as dead at 20mph as 100mph. Don't take stupid chances.

They told me if I listened to them and kept practicing it would get easier and less scary. That I would get better.

And they were right.

Isolation ..... Updating

So here I am, just shy of a year later writing again. Still sober ... Thank You God......

I am not sure if it counts as isolation if you stop doing something that nobody ever read anyways. I am not honestly sure if that is why I stopped or if life just got too busy. A little of both for sure. Bottom line is that I am going to start writing again. I go back and re-read what I have read and discover all over again some joyful reasons to stay sober. So even if I am the only person to ever read this blog, it is worth writing.

The quick year in review...........

In September I WENT TO SCHOOL!!!!! Me, a forty something year old high school dropout who has not been near a classroom (daughters not included) in over twenty years. Baby steps baby steps baby steps..... I can do ANYTHING I want today .... except drink. So off to school I went. I just took one class to see how I would do. Scared to freaking death. English. Writing. Start of easy right? WRONG ... For me it was tough stuff. After the first month though I discovered something very important. If I follow directions then I did good. Just like AA. Do the suggestions, stay sober. Imagine that?? I got a A.

January brought some good and bad. But the bad kind of forced the good. The party rental place I ran closed down. In a kind of nasty way with hurt feelings. That is the soft version of the bad. However, now we get to the good, in talking with my sponsor I followed her suggestion and signed up for a certification program to become a Drug and Alcohol Counselor. How AMAZING is THAT!! I never ever would have done that if I was doing the rental company. I could not have done it. That was a real obvious God shuts a door and opens a window!

February brought the start of classes. I was still pretty scared but not as much as in the fall. I walked into the class with a open mindedness and willingness I have never possessed for school. I love it. Love the class, the teachers, most of the other students .... Love the work. LOVE IT!!

School ended in May and does not start up again until September. I will, hopefully, be a very busy girl at that time. Work, school, internship. I am very much looking forward to it all.

Today, I can do ANYTHING I WANT ~ but drink.