2013 and ............

I came back to my blog to get the address and was surprised and a little disappointed  in myself that it had been a full year since I have posted.  Life has changed.

It is a few days before I get to claim eight full years of recovery.  This last year has been proof that I can get through things I did not know I could get through .. and no .. I did not drink.  Instead I was present and available for those around me.  And in large part because of that ... well I have been wandering this labyrinth of life .. not putting focus on me and my recovery  ... dangerous very very dangerous.

This picture is from Mirmar.  A retreat center.  I "allowed" myself to be convinced I should go to the most recent retreat.  I have not gone for YEARS ... because that is what resentment does, keeps you out of homes you love.

I went, still harboring some resentment.  Still am a bit.  However, I got a piece of what I needed.  So many things have in fact happened the past year.  So much .. and to be honest at this moment in time my heart is still to heavy, to sad and angry to share at length.  Many losses ... death of friends and family. Dreams dashed.  Relationships changed or lost.  Lots.

With each even or situation I did what I have been taught.  I went to meetings.  At the meetings I was told to suit up, show up, shut up.  I did that.  This stuff was not about me.  And it was the right thing to do.

What I did not do?  Talk about me, how I was feeling or dealing.  Everything is ok .. doing good .. nod head .. yup yup .. all good Thanks for offering .. no no .. all set....  No problems.

After all .. I am a counselor so I know how to process all this stuff right?  Plus I have to be strong and available for others right?

Very dangerous place to be, believing in your own press.

I needed this weekend to remind me of that.  I still have a long way to go before I hear the "POP" of my head coming out of my ass again ... but I think I have at the very least .. found a more productive path through the labyrinth!

Seven

Seven years and a day a go I had what I hope is my last drink.  I had at long last a desire to stop drinking.  For months leading up to the final drink I wandered in and out of the halls of AA.  Sometimes drunk sometimes hungover and sometimes with a couple of 24 hours under my belt.  Reflecting on that awful period  of my life though I can't say I had a "desire to stop drinking".  I had a desire for the pain to go, the trouble to go, for things to get better.  But through it all I wanted to drink more than I wanted to be sober.

Fear.  I was afraid.  I knew that my life would change if I stopped drinking.  I did not think I would HAVE a life if I stopped.  The brief period of sobriety I had had shown me I could not go to bars (were all my friends were at) and not drink.  I did not know how to do anything without drinking.

Seven years ago I woke up in my parents house with the intention of trying this sobriety thing one more time. I had gone to them earlier in the week and asked if I could stay with them for a few weeks to get "stable" in sobriety.  Little did I know I would be waking up in their house seven years later.  The deal was simple, if it did not work out then I would go to some other type of treatment.  Never mind fear, that was jumping out of a plane without a parachute type terror in my book.  The thing is though, I WANTED to get sober this time. I WANTED to stop drinking.  I WANTED to change.  Just as important, I was WILLING.

I have said before in the blog that if I knew what lay ahead of me in those early days of  recovery I would have drank.  The road has not always been easy.  At times it has felt like one big uphill journey. Life on life's terms.  Yet one day at a time I managed to get through it all.  Good and bad.  And I managed to grow with each experience.

This new life keeps changing on me.  Day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year.  I keep changing.  I have not stopped doing the work  I need to do in order to remain sober.  I still have that DESIRE.  I still stick to the basics, ask for help, go to meetings, be involved, work the steps, pray and don't drink.  I am still far from perfect.  Perfection stunts your growth.

It has been months and months since I have posted.  Life got busy.  New job, new hours, new routine.  Change.  I spend a lot of time writing about other people at work and when I get home my brain generally is feeling a tad muddled.  I love what I do for work though.  I can't get them drunk or sober but I can plant seeds.  A mix of what I have learned though the amazing people in AA and school.  It is up to them what path they follow.  For a short time I get to be a part of their journey and I am grateful for that opportunity.

So what changes will year seven bring?  I don't know for sure other than there will be some.  My daughter is going to be adventuring for six months and I won't be able to lay eyes on her in real life.  That is going to be a biggie.  I am her mom, and I will worry.  I will also be happy for her that she has the ability to go out in the world and chase her dreams.  AA taught me that.  As for the rest of the changes ... AA taught me that it is none of my business.  My job is to keep trying to do the next right thing and stay sober doing it.  So that is what I will do.

Around the bend ..

When I wrote about my anniversary, I stated "I can't wait to see what year 7 has in store for me"  Well, I am at a bend in the road right now.  In a weeks time I will wrap up nine months of full time work at a detox and head back to the half way house I did my practicum at.  In my kinda sorta thoughts I had hoped to end up back in a half way house but kinda sorta thought it would be in another year or two.  Well, looks like it is now.  I am filled with all the fear, doubt and insecurity that I am afraid will plague every big move in my life.  I am also filled with hope, excitement and energy to start another new adventure in sobriety. 

 So far nothing has been exactly like what I thought it would be.  Which I suppose is just how it suppose to be!!  At two years sober I was terrified to leave the comfort of the locksmith and open a party rental store.  I was encouraged and supported to do it anyways.  I worked my ass off for it to prove that the faith put in me was justified.  I don't know that the people that put the money up feel I came through for them, but I know in my heart that worked it to the best of my ability and had some success.  I also learned straight up that it is far easier to sit at a bar and talk about being the boss than it is to be one!!  I learned so much in that period of living though.  Honestly, I learned how to live. Come out of my shell and try some things I had talked about.  I went to school.  Just one class, it was all I could afford both financially and emotionally if I am really honest about it.  I learned that I could go to school.  God doing His God thing, because next thing I knew the store was gone and I was off for more school to become a drug and alcohol counselor.  I was not ready to do that at year two of sobriety, I needed to go through the growth that the store gave me.

Now, living year six.  Nine months in a detox, the start of recovery for but a chosen few, even though I have met hundreds.  I needed to be there to learn more.  More about myself and what I am capable.  In school and in the fellowship I have met many people who worked detoxes and they all talked about how frustrating it is, the emotional tole it takes on you to see the same people in and out, in and out.  Perhaps it is because I was not there long enough but I don't feel that way.  As much as I would a thousand times rather see a client at a meeting, it made my heart happy to see them back.  If they come back then they still seek hope and help.  I can still try.

This next bend in the road ~ I don't know what is on that other side.  I know that I have learned a lot about recovery, relapse and addiction.  I have a new appreciation for people who keep trying and make it as far as a half way house.  It may be born in desperation but it still takes courage.  My hope is that I will be able to pass some of this on to them so they remain hopeful and grow in their own recovery.  I know that is what I will try.

A day at a time, so many many many gifts.

And .... DONE!!

Even in weakness there is strength. 

As much of a struggle it was at times this year to stay positive throughout the holidays I did.  Perhaps not in a grand manner like the tree that pulled up the boulder ~ yet the picture for me symbolizes so well how even when you are down you can be strong. 

I am feeling as though I have crossed the line back into the "safe" zone now that the holidays are a done deal.  The stress is ebbing from my body and my head is not in a million and one places trying to keep track of all I have left to do. 

For the most part anyways!  I have a major decision I have to make in the next day or so and like a typical alkie I have twisted and turned, flattened and stretched out all the possible scenarios trying to make it fit into what I WANT vs. what I NEED.  ~ sigh~   More will be reveled ... I hope!!

I am grateful I have made it through "the deadly triangle" once again, managed to have some good fun despite the self induced stress and best of all have an entire year before I have to start it up again!!

HAPPY SOBER 2012!!

One to go....

At last nights meeting the speaker called it "the deadly triangle"  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years"  So true so true so true. 

I have another one under my belt, and Saturday night will be spent in celebration of friends from my home group getting married.  I know I really won't breath all the way easy though until it is all a done deal.  Down the road in my sobriety I hope the holidays get a bit easier.  Right now they are so filled with self induced stress that makes me more than a little scared.  Then I get cranky.  Character defects surface. 

The good news, I do have a defence.  I am no longer powerless against that first drink.  Instead I can call people, go to a meeting and identify what is going on and why I could even consider a drink.  God forbid that first drink reaches my lips though.  All the gains I have made in the past six years would be gone with that first sip.  I would once again be powerless over alcohol.

I have been debating going to a meeting tonight.  I went to one this afternoon, I went last night..  And it is apparent that I need to go to one tonight regardless of the fact that I still have laundry to put away and cleaning to do. 

Pick up the tools, use them.  THAT is what needs to be done on a daily basis.

Not at a Bar

Thanksgiving Eve.  Home.  Not at a bar.  The house is scented with nutmeg, squash, chocolate and onions.  Yep, onions.  The table is set, what can be cooked it cooked or cooking.  No chaos.  Calm.  Not at a bar.  Tomorrow will bring a little chaos, family.  Those last minute details.  Baby smiles.  Hugs.  Meetings.  More hugs.  A celebration of the joy of sobriety.  Honest emotions missing those that are no longer here.  Real emotions.  Not at a bar.  The day will end with over full belly.  Sleep.  Peace.  Not at a bar

Made it!

Well I made it to my six year mark and a day at a time I can't wait to see what year seven is going to bring!!  I know it will be a mix of good and bad, that is life on life's terms after all.  Moments of pure joy and gratitude as well as moments were I questions everything I believe and work for. 

Today I have choices though about how I will deal with things.  Even how I anticipate them.  I can wake up each morning and let the negative thoughts call the shots "oh the weather is bad, I have so much work to do, I have such a long day at work,  ............"  I could give you a full list of all the negative thoughts and fears but choose not to stir the nest so to speak.  I try really hard to stay out of that neighborhood in my head.  To much like Hotel California!! 

Instead I try each day to reach for the good stuff.  Through work and persistence the past few years doing that has paid off.  I really do find a simple joy in each day.  Bright red berry's that stand out in a gloomy day.  It is not a million dollars but it is still pretty nifty.  An unexpected text or phone call from someone I love.  My mom laughing when I come home at night "Hi  home I'm Honey" (I don't know why that tickles her but it does!! ) My dad talking about the meeting he went to or golf game he played.  Pictures of the wonderful amazing babies. 

As my friend Peter says, "Today is a Good Day"

One Week ~

A week from today, if I keep doing what I am suppose to be doing, I will have six years of sobriety.  Wow. 
I have a bit of the PMS (pre-medallion-syndrome) going on.  Reflecting on the past, goods and bads, recent and long ago. 
Time to take a look at my feet, where am I today?  Today is the day that matters.
Today I woke up and said "Hi God".  I woke up sober.  Because I woke up sober I feel pretty good about the day.  I have some "stuff" floating around in my life right now that is not so great but because I am sober I know that however it works out it will be ok.  Perhaps not the way I would like it but it will be ok.  I have things to look forward to today.  The babies are coming over this afternoon.  That will fill my heart with pure joy.  Because I am sober I will be with them all the way while they are here.  Such a huge gift.  I have my meeting tonight and will see people I care about and care about me.  I will learn something today.  Right now I don't know what it is, it may have already been presented to me and I don't see it yet.  But I KNOW I will learn something, I do everyday.  How wonderful.
I am wearing clean comfortable clothes.  I have a little (very little) money in my pocket but it is enough to cover all the needs I have.  Gas in the car, food in my belly. 
A God that loves me.
A life.
Yup, I have to keep myself in today.  Today is good.  Not perfect but it is good.  I am sober.  Today.

Short and sweet

Not a day goes by that I do not find something to be grateful for in my life.  It does not matter how bad things "feel" I know they can get worse, so rather than dwell on that I look for things to smile about.  I may not always smile smile on the outside but I feel a little lighter on the inside.

Today has been one of those days and that being said I will share a short but sweet gratitude list:

1. Belief in a power great than me that is taking care of me even as I type.

2. SOBRIETY

3. A family that loves me and I love back

4. BABIES ~ just looking at the pictures of the little ones we have running around fills my heart with joy.

5. Plants that hug bird feeders.  Just because.

See, simple.  I could and perhaps should go all out with a big list as a reminder to myself just how many things I have going on in my life that are positive.  It is important sometimes for me to take an inventory of all the good stuff.  One of the things I fear is that I will allow my negative thinking creep in for the take over again. 

Life is good.  Today

This is a picture of my "garden".  At the start of the summer it was dirt and leaves.  I cleaned it up and planted some seeds, a hodgepodge wildflower mix.  I had no idea what if anything would grow.  All summer long I watered and weeded, sometimes I am sure pulling out some of the flowers as well as the weeds. It made me happy to hunker down in the heat and tend to my little garden.  

 Little by slow things began to grow.  Finally some flowers.  And a random tomato plan.  The garden is not organized or lush and that is ok.  It works for me.  Many of the seeds did not grow.  That's ok too.  What is there makes me happy.

My sobriety is a lot like that garden.  When I first got sober I was all dirt and leaves.  I came in the halls of AA and cleaned up a bit.  A hodgepodge of ideas were presented to me.  Some grew and blossomed.  I still have to tend to me, watch out for the weeds and sometimes some good ideas get tossed because I don't recognize them as such.  And occasionally a random tomato plant grows.  And I am happy.  Not perfect, not landscaped but blooming. 

This past weekend I had to go to a wake for a special guy who never got to the point I am at today.  It broke my heart.  I made my plans to go and not until the day of did I realize that "oh shit" there were going to be people at this wake that do not like me.  They knew me when and don't know me now.  I had a little bit of anxiety.  Then I took a look at me, everything I have done to bloom and I was ok.  It was and is ok that they don't like me.  I did not give them much to like.  I am also not that pile of dirt today and I know that.  I neither needed or wanted their approval, it was not why I was going to the wake.  I was going because it was the right thing to do for me and my friend.  The right things were important.  The right seeds have been planted and grown in me. 

The fact that this is still itching me  a bit shows that some weeding needs to be done though.  I am hopeful that by putting it to words the last of the anxiety will leave.  I am fairly certain that some new seeds have been planted via this experience.  Like the ones for my garden I am not real sure what they are at the moment but I am going to tend to them and see what blooms.

Impact

It has been a minute or two since I have posted last. So many things have happened in the past six months it is amazing, for me at least. I am "done" with school, have a new job and continue to be blessed with amazing people in my life. All of the things that have happened in my life are gifts of sobriety and the God of my understanding!!

As always I have numerous thoughts twirling through my head. Right now what keeps popping up is how so much of my life revolves around my addiction. Thank you God today it is in a positive way but I would not be were I am today, doing the things I am doing, loving life on a daily basis if I was not an alcoholic.

Just as my active addiction touched and impacted those around me so does my recovery. The circle of recovery is bigger than that of active addiction and I consider that a twofold blessing. One that the damage I caused out right in active addiction was of far less impact than recovery. Second that my circle of living has grown so much.

Unlike when I was active, living in the denial that I was hurting anyone, I can see how being in recovery blankets those around me. A recent family trip that would have caused any sane person to drink ~ I did not. I rolled with what was going on for the majority of the trip and did not have to add to the drama. I could also see how AA's impact in my fathers life kept him from what could have been major explosions. Two days ago I was able to just sit with my daughter eating doughnuts and cider, relaxed, enjoying a fall day. My daughter informed me she was content. Peace that was shared. Two VIP's in my life that joined the fellowship and have remained. One celebrated a year last month and the other (God willing) will do the same in early November.

A few glimpses of how recovery is working in my life. From not believing I was hurting anyone, to seeing how my own sobriety impacts those around me, yet another gift from God.

Is there a bit of irony in the fact that it was denial that what I was doing impacted those around me (so I could keep doing it) and acceptance that what I do today impacts others and inspires me to keep doing what I do? Yah, a bit. I wish I could say that if I knew the pain I was causing that I would have stopped but I don't think it would have happened. I would have isolated more to try and lessen the damage or something along those lines and no doubt drank more to deal with the feelings of guilt and shame. It is crazy how the disease works.

Not today though. I am a far cry from perfect but I am a hell of a lot better. That is not ego talking either. If all that I did was stay sober that would be a huge improvement in my world and the impact I have on it but I also continue to make improvements to self so that I can be a better person. If I am a better person then I have a better impact.

My reward is moments in the sun with my daughter just being content.

Gremlin

Never having an original thought when it comes to

AA it did not surprise me to find out that one I DID think was my own is actually already out there!! For all I know I heard it at a meeting and made it mine, that happens a lot.

This particular thought had been buzzing in my head for a while and I brought it up in group to the men I work with. The disease of addiction is just like those fuzzy little creatures known as Mogwai in the movie GREMLINS.

When it is being taken care of it is pretty harmless. But if you forget the rules ( ask for help, go to meetings, use your sponsor, join a group, be active ) then you end up with the scary dudes that destroy everything in your world.

We all agreed it was a good comparison. I shared the story with my brother who informed me that he had heard the same comparison at a meeting the week before .. lol So much for original thought!!

It's all good though. The comparison stands, the lesson is valuable regardless of who thought it first.

I will stick with doing what I know is working and keep in mind that although my disease is wearing a cute little mogwai face right now, it takes very little for it to become a gremlin!

Snow sober

So far this year this has been the landscape. Along with some bitter cold. People, including myself, are tired and cranky from all the shoveling, bundling up to stay warm, the slush, ice, bad driving and other safety issues. The list goes on and on.
The first year of sobriety I would have been crawling out of my skin by now. This type of weather was drinking weather!! Sit at the bar and moan and groan and groan and moan. Oh MY back! Lets have another shot of the blue ones to make the hurts go away. Not that I really needed a reason for drinking but snow storms gave me a good one in my mind.
Due to a couple of people near and dear to my heart joining the fellowship of AA I have had a greater opportunity to take a look at both my drinking and early sobriety. I drank for everything and anything. It was how I could avoid dealing with life. Early in sobriety that first year in particular but even today, when certain emotions or situations arise my first instinct can still be to drink. Make the hurts go away.
The first year I started picking up the tools to combat that reaction at most and defer it at the least. I still have days or rather moments when the knee jerk response is DRINK. Today I can think that through and usually within seconds the thought is gone, I just have for to much to lose. But it still happens.
I keep going to meetings. I talk to people. I dream of the future that awaits this sober person. I try not to look at the landscape as being cold and barren, instead I look and see the vividness of the colors and diamond like wink of the sun dancing in the snow. I look for the beauty and the grace of each day. It is there, it just needs to be sought in order to be found.

Welcome 2011!!

If you are half as fun and interesting as 2010 then I am in for the ride of my life!!





I could never ever in a million years have predicted the drastic changes in my life from one year ago. One year ago the future I envisioned was pretty much what I had already done. Not that I thought it was as good as it was going to get but I figured I would just stay on the same plodding path. As long as I was keeping my sobriety in the number one spot then life was good.





Keeping sobriety number one remains the most important. I pray God that never changes. But so many other things changed. Relationships and jobs ended. What I thought was the end of the road turned out to just be the crest leading to a whole new vista. It has not been without it's storm clouds, life on life's terms after all, but it has also been filled with so much bright and shiny. Some of it is sparkly new right out of the box. Things I dreamed about from a slouched and slobbery stool at the bar, things I never even thought to dream about. Mixed in with that are some older dreams that had been tarnished and dulled through abuse and neglect. They too are starting to shine. Some of the tarnish may never come off ~ life on life's terms ~ but I am not giving up. The shine that is coming through has a depth and warmth that comes only from age and love.





I do not know why God has blessed me the way He has. I do know that I am grateful from the tippty top of my head to the bottom of my toes. I don't have all the details of His plans for me and that is ok. As long as I am willing to let Him call the shots and do the footwork I have not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that everything will work out the way it is suppose to.

One Day At A Time.

Tri-Fecta

One down, two to go!!

Five years later and I have to admit I do still find the holiday season a bit of a struggle. Not a huge one, thank You God, but thoughts of drinking and a longing for the bar still flavors my thoughts.

I did this year for T-day what I have been doing ... went to meetings. I went to an alkathon in the morning with my dad. It was a great way to start my day. Surrounded by people who know just how I feel. Surrounded by people who just like me felt a tad bit off because it was a holiday.

It did not matter how many years of sobriety we had, it mattered not if we had family back in our lives or are still on the outs. Something about the holiday and the monster inside starts the jabbering that "it was not all that bad!! Remember that time ..." and some of the "fun" of drinking starts floating through.

But I did not have to drink.

Instead I met my family obligation and did in fact have an enjoyable time with them. I am blessed in that I do in fact like my family and they like me back. I played with my brothers girlfriends grand kids and did not have to worry about balancing a baby and a beer. I did have to balance a baby and a plate of food! (Only got a little bit in her hair) And in return this one year old would look up at me with big eyes full of trust, offer me a handful of smooshed stuffing and smile a big ole drooley baby smile when I gave her a kiss. Awesome.

I went to two more meetings after that. When I finally made it to bed I was tired and content with my life. I did not drink.

Five years One Week

And there just plain is not enough space in all the world to list the gifts God has given me.

Last week I went out to breakfast with my daughter. (gift) One of the topics of conversation was another vip in my life, who, a couple of years ago said to me "I am pretty sure I have a problem but I am not ready to do anything about it". Fair enough. I said to him at the time that I would not force stuff down his throat but would on occasion ask if he wanted to go to a meeting. No pressure.

I came home from work that day and found a e-mail from said vip. He was ready. (GINORMOUS GIFT). He went to his first meeting that night and will have a solid week tomorrow. One Day At A Time!!!

God doing His God thing all over the place in my life. I now have two very special people who have come into the halls of AA. They are now helping each other as well. It has been pretty special to see vip1 talk to vip2 about what he has learned so far in his journey.

With my crazy schedule right now I have felt bad that I am not "doing" enough for either of them, so I did what I did best and gave it over to God. Silly human that I am to be feeling bad in the first place. God had a plan from the start, I am just a little part of it. (gift).

I am so glad for my life right now and the people in it. I am constantly amazed by the people God has brought into my life. Both AA'ers and Earth People. He chose them well for me so that I may never forget the power of example they set. Good times and bad.

HOPE

The past month has been a topsy turvy one. Some goods, some not so goods. So I went to meetings. Lots of them!! The common theme that I heard was about HOPE. There is hope in the halls of AA. Regardless of any problems at this moment, regardless of any issues that lay in the past, regardless of potential problems in the future. Today there is hope. There is HOPE in the halls.
As I sat in the meetings and listened to others share their own hope, I thought about it. Hope. When did I start having it? How did I get it? Do I STILL have it?
Although I can't pin it down for certain, when I first came in I don't think I would have recognized HOPE if it was dressed in gold and wearing a name tag, I believe the first taste of hope came when I was sent to the emergency room for help. At that moment I had hope that my problems with the booze would end.
The meetings that came into the de-tox brought yet another taste of hope. That I too could be happy like those people.
My disease of course fought very hard against any and all versions of hope. Hope could lead to to a desire to change. Change could lead to elimination of a desire to drink. My disease did not want that!
Yet the seeds of hope had been planted. I had a little itty bit of hope. Those seeds fought very hard for the next year to grow roots. I did not make it easy for them. I neglected them and allowed weeds to grow all around. I gave the barest of nutrients to help them grow. I believed them to be dead. Still, they took root.
When the time arrived that I was ready to get sober those seeds of hope began to flourish. They grew and they grew and they grew. Instead of sitting at meetings and hear what I was not, I heard what I was and even more important what I could be. Happy.
By going to meetings and listening and watching those around me I continue to nurture the hope in my life. The people in the meetings are the sun, rain food of hope for me.
No matter HOW topsy turvy life gets, I have HOPE today. On those occasions when I am feeling a bit hopeless all I have to do is listen and watch. There is HOPE in the halls of AA.

Moments of Clarity

I have had the opportunity the past few weeks to really "see" were I am in my sobriety. Not that I understand it all, not by a LONG shot .. but I have been able to evaluate were I am today with a little more clarity than usual. Part of it is being involved in the AWOL. Right off the bat that has me taking a more in depth look at were am I now. Other bits and pieces of this eye opener have to do with the v.i.p. and hitting more meetings with him, a friend receiving his five year medallion, a wedding, school starting .... actually a pretty full plate of things.
A big part of this self evaluation had me wondering if I do in fact practice what I preach so to speak. My mouth makes the noise about practicing the twelve steps in all of my affairs but do I DO it? For real? In my heart of hearts?
Conclusion: There is room for improvement but I do believe in the things I say and I do in fact try to live my life according to the principles of AA. I have to watch my snarky tongue at times, amusement at the expense of others can be hurtful. I have to keep my ego, my fears, my self-centerdness "right sized" so that they do not overwhelm me or people around me. I need to be quicker to hand over the good stuff along with the bad to the God of my understanding. And the reason I need to do all this stuff is because I believe it works. I KNOW it works.
As I am about to embark on a new school year and work adventure knowing these things and shoring up the foundation of this new me will only make life better.
I need to stay open of mind and heart to let God show me when He is doing His God thing!!

Gifts

I am constantly amazed at the gifts of sobriety in my life. Ninty Nine percent of those gifts come in the form of people. God has put some pretty amazing and wonderful people in my life. To learn from, to laugh with. to love, to grow. Although most of them are AA, not all are. God just keeps blessing me were ever I go!!

Tonight I went out with a couple of classmates. We have been trying all summer to get together and we finally did it. A year ago I did not know these ladies at all. Today they are an important part of my life! We have not been in close contact since school let out but sitting with them tonight it was like a day had not passed. Nothing major was said or done tonight, chit chat and chowing on food. So nice to be able to sit and relax, not worry about when the waiter was going to come back with our drinks or how much I could drink in front of them or if I had enough money for another drink!

I really do like this new life!!

Seeing Assets?

Back to working on step four in this new AWOL. The part I am having such a hard time with on the writing are my assets. I can see them, see were I have made improvements. I can even acknowledge that there ARE assets to be found!! What an amazing change from the person who walked into the halls four years ago. I have worth, I have value, I am a good person ................ BUT..........

Every time I go to write out the asset I seem to add the BUT and go on to find all the ways I need to improve on what I have. What starts out as an asset ends up being a defect. In all honesty it is making me crazy.

Tonight at the AWOL what was suggested ~ because I am not the only one having the issue ~ is to just STOP at the BUT. Just end it. If I really really have to complete the character assassination on my self, go back to the defect and keep writing.

My personal reflection on these asset/ defects overall is that I want more growth and change and when it comes to Step Seven I am asking for help and God's will ...... then taking them right back. I need to just write as is, then prepare the list again so I can make those changes with God's help on Step Seven .......