Meetings ~

Many Meetings, Many Chances!!! Meeting Makers Make it!!!

Just a couple of typical AA saying regarding meetings. I am positive that there are more, but those two I can remember. And I have to say with the oh so vast wisdom I have accumulated over the past 3 1/2 years that it seems to be truth.

My pondering of today is about what type of meetings should you go to? What counts as a meeting? I consider my Sunday mornings chatting w/ my buddy who is sober 20 years as a mini meeting. That time, anywhere from five minutes to twenty, starts my week of right. But, is it a meeting?

I go to a step meeting once a week, and a beginners / discussion meeting one a week. I speak at a de-tox every other week. I go to old timer meetings, young people meetings, and just plain open meetings. I have meetings online, in e-mail, and over the phone.

Someone today planted this seed, with a few 24hrs turned into years under his belt, he informed me that open meetings were pretty well useless to him and anyone else. Now I did not really give it to much of a thought coming from this particular person at the time, but I did start pondering .....

And ultimately I have to disagree. Although I think it IS very important to go to a mix of meetings, my time going to open meetings is not a waste for a couple of reasons. One of those reasons is part of why AA works. If I don't go to the open meetings, and others with some time be it years or decades, who is going to be there to show the newcomer that it works? If I am not in my seat, that newcomer just sees a chair. For that reason alone it is vital to go to meetings.

The other reason is pure selfish on my part. No, I don't really need to listen to drunkalogs. The stories that got people here will not keep me here. That being said, some of those stories do set a great example of the YETS should I pick up. So I get to hear what not to do, but more important I hear what TO DO!! and it always seems to be the same thing ~ GO TO MEETINGS.

My "goal" is still to be the type of person who is known as someone who kept going to meetings. To be a good example of that. 'Cause I want to make it, and meeting makers make it!!

12:30 am ~ do you know were

YOU were?

Last night I was woken up by the phone ringing, I had been asleep for about a hour or so. It was just after 12. I groggily sat up in the bed looking at the clock, and my heart started to pound. There is no such thing as good news at that time of night unless someone is having a baby!!! Nobody I know is having a baby!!!
My father answered the phone, and I could hear him walking towards my room. My entire body began to vibrate .. "no no no no ... not my room not my room" My thought was of course my daughter, who will be 20 in 11 days. He knocked, and it was her. Thankfully, thank You God!!, it was not major!! She had sliced her hand at work, was already at the hospital and needed her insurance information. Ended up not even needing stitches. Thank You God!!!

But I was pretty freaked out. Still am to be completely honest. One of the scariest moments in my life. And God was very good to me.

It has also had me thinking all day long about how it must have felt for her and my husband when I was out there drinking. All those nights I was out, not hurting anyone, and having fun, and occasionally I would call at 12, 1am ~ to drunk to drive so I am going to sleep it off at work. How did that make them feel? Not knowing if when that phone rang, was it me calling .. drunk... the cops? the morgue? And even, just how often did I torture them like that? I don't even know.

I justified it left and right. There was no need to worry, I was a big girl, plus all those "friends" at the bar were watching out for me too. Yah right, those same friends are still waiting for me to come out of the bathroom!!

I have a big ole lump of shame going on in my head right now. This experience has humbled me in a new way. I will continue to think on it for a few days, see what else I am suppose to learn from it. And I will make yet another amends to my daughter for that behavior in particular.

Then I will move on, and be glad in my heart that I am NOT that person anymore. That was then, this IS now. I might still have lots of work to do on me, but I am open to it. God let me see how my past behavior affected them, and gave me another lesson in humility. I will learn and grow. To the best of my ability.

Joy Of Living

Step 12, 12 and 12. Not sure if that is the very first line in that step, but it is right there. And tonight, as it has been for the past couple of weeks, right in my face. The Joy Of Living. I did not get sober to be miserable. I might have thought thats how it was going to be, but it is in fact the furthest thing from my life. Even when it is bad, it is still good.

For the past couple of weeks it seems everytime I turn around the theme has been some how or another the joy of living. Either a speaker talks on it, I read it in a book, the topic at a discussion meeting ... Follwed by the secret to living joyfully. Live in God. If you live in a power greater than yourself, for me God, then there is nothing that I can't handle. It is just that simple. It is keeping that thought in the top spot though ..... grabbing back my own will, not trusting God. Those are the things that dampen the joy of living.

So God has been pretty in my face about the joy of living, so today was yet another joyful day!

Just For Today

My day today ~

Woke up about 5 am. (as opposed to came too) Looked out the window and saw a brilliant sunrise. Thanked God for waking me up to see that, went back to sleep.

Hour later up and atom, walked down (as opposed to stumble) and made coffee. Ate a pastry. I could do that because I was did not feel like puking.

Off to work, a job that I have because I am sober and can handle it (most days anyways..lol), because I am sober. Did actual work instead of spending the day trying to remember the night before.

1:00 ~ went to the bank were I deposited MY money, into a account that has money, that so far (knock on wood) I have not ever taken out what was not there. That will have enough in it tomorrow for me to pay some bills.

2:00 ~ Picked up my great niece to spend the afternoon with. Same niece who's mother I "never hurt" with my drinking. How did it make her feel when she would find reasons to not have herself, or her daughter around me when I was drinking? Today she trust me with her children.

~ 7:00 Had a BLAST with the girl!!! Just plain fun that you can have when you are sober and not wrapped up in planning how fast you can lose the kid so you can get a drink!! Near the end of the day I offered to bring her home before I took my shower so she did not have so much driving to do ... she wanted nothing to do with that. " I want to stay with you!"

7:30 ~ 8:30 Meeting. Commitment with my group. When I spoke I pretty much said what I am writing here tonight. My day, my SOBER day, and all the gifts I received in my day TODAY: JUST FOR TODAY ... because I am sober.

How awesome.

Independence

Happy 4th of July!!!

The past couple of days I have heard many wishes for a Happy 4th, and happy Independence Day. Independence, what a word. Today, just for today, I have Independence from my addiction. Cue fireworks please!!!

I went to a meeting yesterday, and the commitment did not show up. Being the alkie I am, I started thinking about what I would say if I was asked to speak. The bare bones fact is anytime I get up I take a big breath and ask God to give me the words, but that does not stop me from thinking before hand ....

Anyways, here are the thoughts..........

We have people fighting a war across the sea right now. The hope is that when all is said in done, people will have a new freedom and new happiness. Sound familiar? How would we react as Americans if the government, or any one, started telling us what we could do? Who we could be friends with, were we could go, how much money we could spend, what we could eat, what we could drink, how late we could sleep or how late we could stay up?? WHAT??? How dare they!! This is America after all, NOBODY but NOBODY has the right to tell us those type of things. It would start a civil war.

Yet, when we were drinking and or drugging, did we not let our addiction dictate just those things? We would not go to Joe & Sally's house for a party because they did not use like we did. We would not buy things in order to have money to feed our addiction. We passed on jobs, promotions, because they would interfere with our lifestyle. Based our food on what type of drinking we planned, or had none at all. Our addiction controlled us with a iron fist any dictator would like to wield.

Thankfully, today at least, I have a army of Angels in my life. They come in all shapes and sizes with different tools to share with me. I do not have a bullet proof vest that will save me, but I have literally legions of people who have fought this war before me acting as a buffer. As long as I am surrounded by my Angels, and heed there advice. One day at a time I can doge the bullet of addiction and the punishing dictator that fires the gun.

So to all my Angels, Thank You.
Happy Independence Day!!

Hanging in ~

Since my last post, I have not been in the mood to write. Part of it was being wrapped up in recovery from my surgery. That was really tough for me to try and take it easy and just get better. Any time I thought about writing, the words were all whiny. "Wine" of any kind, I don't want on my blog ... ;)

About a week or so after that post, yet another friend admitted to using. If I thought I was bothered before, yow ch. This time it was someone very close to me, that I truly love and consider family. I am still dealing with it to be honest. Concern for the person, and the other people involved. I am joyful over the fact that they are "back", and working on doing the next right thing in recovery. I really really mean it when I think or say NO SHAME for coming back. But I think for the first time too, I have really seen the havoc of a active user. Like I said, I am still dealing with it.

I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life because of AA, and over all it just seems like the past few months have not been very kind to them. Loss of jobs, family, health .... the list is actually rather lengthy. I think I have just felt kind of useless knowing that I can't do anything to fix these things for them, and I feel bad trying to cheer them up all the time if that makes any sence at all!! Like I am not "hearing" the pain they are in. Look for God in it ~ be glad you have clean socks!! Just because that works for me, gets me through my rough days, does not mean that is what they need to hear. So again, I did not feel like writing and have it all be downer stuff.

All that being said, I am looking for God in in the troubles that seem to be passing by my door. I really and honestly do not believe that God is punishing these people, life on life's terms. That saying "Why me? Why not?" a little harsh, but that is the reality. We all get crap, what are you going to do about it? God is always with me, that I know. It is my belief that He is with everyone, and is just waiting for you to say "ok God, You call the shots, and I will accept it". I still don't think you have to LIKE everything all the time. But I also believe that if you look, you can see Gods grace in everything. But you have to look.

This past weekend was hell at work. I am so lucky right now to complain that work was "too" busy!!! I gave thanks, even though my head was spinning. I had over scheduled a rental item, and could not get the back up as planned. So on Sunday I had to get the back up, then deliver it to the customer. I was not in a happy place. I continued in the crabby place until I got home ... pissed of that the boy who works for me did not follow MY plan ... arrrhhh raaahhh ..eh..whine.. So when I got home I was bitching out loud to my mother and sister. While I was doing that I told them about the little girl who I brought the rental item too. It was HER birthday. Oh she was SO excited to see me!! Was I going to stay for her party? She had blond bouncy hair, a bright colorful sundress on, and was literally DANCING with excitement!!!!

For just a few minutes I got to be a part of that. How cool. God showed me front and center how the job I do makes for happy kids, and it is fun when you see happy kids. God also gave me the grace to see that. Did it make the rest of the terrible day go away? No, it is what it is. But I did not care so much. I survived, and I knew I would. I did not get any phone calls people mad at me, though I am sure there were a couple who were less than happy. Hopefully when the day was done they were thinking of there own bits of dancing sun, and the success of the day.

I can't help it, there are days when the best thing is I have clean socks. But, I HAVE CLEAN SOCKS!!! They are mine, and I washed them and put them away. Because I am sober and I can. Thankfully though, I am able to raise the bar a bit, and also see beautiful 3 year old princess girls. Dancing 'cause it's their birthday!!!!

So as sad as I am, as frustrated, looks like I needed to post to keep my head in the game.
GRAD-AH-TUDE Amen

Sober for Today

I hear it all the time, how people get sober, get a "life", and then do not need AA anymore, or how they were still going to meetings but had a medical issue that required pain pills, or they were going to meeting here and there and that was it. So many different variations of what they did or did not do with the end result the same. They picked up. So I hear it, and I do keep it in mind, but I have to admit it hit home the hardest when it was someone I know. Someone who heard the same stories and I did. Someone who I respect and consider a pretty smart person. Someone who picked up, and by the grace of God, came back. Prayers that they stay, and prayers that they keep in mind the stories of those that struggle and don't make it back at all.

It would be pretty easy to get all worked up and analytical as to why it happened. What was done right, what was done wrong. I honestly don't think the what is the important part though, it is the why. The WHY is the disease. I know for a fact that my WHY still resides in me, waiting waiting waiting for me to give it a WHAT. I can go to step meetings galore, counseling forever, and know as much as there is to know about me and my disease, yet it will never ever go away.

When I crossed that line, or activated the monster with my very first drink, I lost. No, I did not know I lost or how much I would lose, but I lost just the same. Today, just today, I know with out a doubt the road I would travel should I pick up. Before I hit that road I should just put everything out on the front lawn from my socks to my soul. FREE ~ Take it all I won't be needing it were I am going.

The WHY is still in me, I know many of the reasons that I drank, there are still many I don't too. Knowing WHY does not change the past, or even protect me against a future drink. It just is. Knowing WHY allows me to try and change in order to diminish the power of WHY. Today I am a stronger and better balanced person, sorta. Yet it would be so very easy to slip away from who I am today, and forget the WHY, so easy to fall into the false sense of security that I have conquered the WHY. Victory is mine, lets have a drink to celebrate!! Too easy as as I see through my friends actions.

As easy is the first drink.

So I am sober today, and grateful. I know WHY I am sober today as well. Because I have a God in my life who helps me on a daily basis, because I have people that that God has put in my life to talk to, learn from, and pray with, because I go to meetings and listen to the best of my ability and learn to the best of my ability, because I am willing to do the next right thing for myself and for others, because I do my best to stay honest about what is going on in myself.

Why? Because it works, for me, for today.......

Meetings

I have been laid up now for just about two weeks after having surgery. Blech!!

Literally I have been allowed to go downstairs twice a day and that's it. I have been keeping myself "connected" with AA through online meetings and talking to fellow AAers. And I thought
I was doing pretty good.

The online meetings work in a pinch as a meeting. The actual meetings that they hold are very similar to irl meetings. Someone shares the experience, strength and hope, then a topic is chosen and others share regarding that topic. So though it filled a need, it is kind of like eating pretzels when what you really wanted was french fries. Same food family, but not what you wanted.

Friends have been awesome calling in and seeing how I am doing. (Grateful nod to Nurse Deb and her daily calls!!!) Visits too have helped so much. Even if the talk is not really recovery AA talk, it is just so good to still have that connection to AA.

Friday night I got to go to my first meeting since April 14. That is a loooong time for me to not hit a meeting. I do still go pretty much every day. I tell you, it felt so good going to that meeting. It really felt like coming home. The hugs and seeing everyone was wonderful, missed my peeps big time. But it was the meeting itself that just made me feel so good. I did not realize how unbalanced I felt until after the meeting and I realized just how much better I felt!! I NEED my meetings. This enforced abstinence from meetings is really showing me just how big a part meetings play in my daily sobriety and mental health. Again, I had been feeling fine, no backslide thoughts or anything even remotely close to it. But I just felt so much BETTER after going to the meeting!!!

Saturday night dad and I hosted our traveling Steady Eddie meeting. Everyone was gracious enough to come over here because of my travel and stair restrictions. And again, I can't even tell you just how good I felt having that meeting. And yes, wonderful to see that group of peeps, some I only see at this meeting once a month, what made me feel good was the meeting itself. There is always good quality sharing at this meeting, and there was one person who had a bit more to share. What a privilege to be a part of that sharing. To be trusted with it, and to be able to respond with absolute love and no judgement. To see that happening around the room like that. So wonderful, such a gift.

Today, just for today at any rate, I understand why meeting makers make it!!

Amazing Amends

I have mentioned before my struggle with step 9. The who, the how, the when. I have surgery coming up on Wednesday. Pretty basic nothing to worry about I should be fine .... but there is always the "risk"........ So, if, God forbid, something does happen ...... I want my side of the street clean. Not so much thinking that if I stand before the God of my understanding I can say "see what a good doobie I am" ... but more because of that line in the promises.. " I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".
I will always regret the past if I don't try and do something about it. No, can't go back and change it, or fix up the screw ups. Done is done. But I can own it, and apologize for my bad behavior and judgement. Having done that, I no longer have to regret it.
Today I did, what for me, my most important amends. I talked with my 19yr old daughter. And she amazed me. She gave me the unmerited gift of forgiveness and understanding in a way beyond her years. She opened the door a bit to let me see into her life. It is still going to take a while before I am allowed all the way in, but I can't begin to tell you how full I feel right now with just the bit. I was not sure I would ever get that. The person I was did not deserve it, and how could I expect her to trust that I was worth having in her real life now.
We talked and talked, and listened and listened. She is such a smart person. Something she understood way more that I would have ever expected. People go to school for years and don't have the insight into this disease that this young women does. She is learning to accept that it is a disease, that it controlled my actions to the point that I would choose the booze over her and her father. She is trying to understand that although the disease controlled me, I am still responsible for what I did. This is all pretty weighty stuff for me at age 40, she is getting it a lot better and with more wisdom at age 19!!
So today, some burdens were lifted, for both of us. In place of those burdens that have been weighing down our relationship I really do believe that the seeds of something wonderful were planted. I received so many gifts today. All of them so undeserved, and cherished from the tips of my toes to the top of my head!!

Today, my daughter said " I am proud you are my mother"

Thank you God, thank you AA.

Earth People

For those that don't already know, my dad comes with me to just about all the open meetings. Dad is also a " earth person ". He is not a alcoholic.

Dad started coming with me a month or so into my sobriety. I would come home from meetings and head into his room. We watched a lot of CSI ..lol In between shows I would talk. Talk and talk and talk. I would talk about what I heard at the meeting, what I learned at the meeting, what I did not like at the meeting. Dad would listen, and sometimes ask questions. But I would have a hard time trying to explain. How do you explain AA to a earthling?

So dad started coming to meetings with me. He wanted to understand, he wanted to help. He loved me that much. I know for a fact that neither of us expected the journey we ended up on, together. We are still trying to figure it out!!!!

What I do know is that I see changes in my dad. Through coming to the meetings dad has opened up a entire new world for himself. He has made friends with people he never would have met. He is using what he hears in AA to make changes in himself. He will use the fact that he is not an alcoholic at times to skate on some of the self cleaning .... lol But for the most part he is trying to incorporate the principles of AA and the 12 steps in his life.

Dad has been going to church on a daily basis for about 7 or 8 years. He believes in God. Yet, it was just recently that he really started to "turn it over". He finally got it. If you give it over to God, well then you don't have to worry about it anymore. That's AA working in his life, for him.

Dad still comes to meetings with me. He gets me to go to meetings when I might have skipped. He still supports me and is there to listen to me when I need to talk. When we go tot he beginners he still says "Ron in support of Kris". But it is so much more. Its not just support of me, it is support of so many. People count on seeing dad at the meetings.

What dad would like to do most now is find a way to share what HE has learned with families of alcoholics. Kind of give them a short cut, but also try and jump start them into providing the support that could very well be life or death. As he says, before he started coming with me, he did not know what he did not know. He has turned that over to God as well.

He might be a Earthling, but I think he is hatching from his AA pod ......

MirAmar

This is the view from the patio area ........ if you are using the zoom on the camera, otherwise it is a big ole honking mc mansion. I have been told, repeatedly, that once upon a time it was all view. I never saw it to miss it, so I love what I do get. Even if I have to zoom in to get it!

I am not sure what I want to talk about regarding this retreat. The theme on Friday was the slogans of AA. Keep It Simple, One Day At A Time, WE Can, Easy Does It .... ALL the slogans. The focus by the end of the weekend was on FEEL, DEAL, HEAL.

As with every retreat I have been on, there are people who come through the door and the pain of life on life's terms just radiates off them. They are tight looking. Death, sickness, divorce, family, work, money ......... life. It is overwhelming them. Some come seeking the love and help to get over the crisis, other because they had paid for the room before the crisis hit.

Some are brave enough to share that first night in the open meeting, others in the small group, and others still just one on one a little bit at a time. I am sure too that there are some that never bring it to the table either. I pray hardest for them.

Never though does one person, one problem, take over the entire retreat. At least not when I have gone. Nor does the pain, problems, just plain bad crap take over. Instead I see a depth of love, care, and honesty shared. Feel, Deal, Heal. Laughter, oh so much laughter. You see, can actually SEE people unclench ... even if it is just a finger. Their heads lift up just a bit. Just a bit is such a good start.

As for the rest of us, with our smaller issues. We talk too. We draw strength from the people who walked in with the mountains on their shoulders. They have THIS going on, and they are HERE, not at a bar. They have THIS going on, and they are TRYING to move on. Their issues may be bigger, but that does not take away from the smaller issues. Instead, two things are going on. Learning. Learning how to DEAL, big or small. Giving. Giving those hugs, laughs, love, to help each other, and small issues just get smaller. Awesome.

For some reason the pattern of the patio area fascinated me this weekend. Just the texture of the stones, the way they fit together, and the view if you were like me and tucked in the corner hiding from the wind. It is kind of like the retreat itself. Some stones bigger than others, facing different ways, gaps between them, cracked... But taken at a whole, make up a whole, and a whole beautiful vista. WE CAN

Playing …..

Added a new thing , checking to see if it works.  So this post is really not a post… lol

Away away 'O

To Miramar I go!!! What wonders will await me this time? I know I shall find a peace that is unique to both the people and the place.

The countdown started pretty much the second I made the reservations. Just knowing in my heart that I had the retreat to look forward too ... well it made some bad days tolerable. I was a little disappointed this week to find out that a few people I thought would be going are not. And then I found out some other people I did not think would be going back, are!! And then .. tonight someone I did not know was even thinking of going will be there. And God was good and let me talk with this person for a few minutes tonight so that I knew a little more than I would. That is how God works with me .... sometimes ..lol

We leave tomorrow at 3, we will get there by 4. I Can't Wait!!!!!!!

Step 9

This is the step I have struggled with the most. MY thinking is let sleeping dogs ...........

I understand the need for it. I want the relief that will come with doing this step. But I have struggled a lot with it. How to do it, when to do it, what do I say when I do it. I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think of all the people I SHOULD make amends too!!! I think of the things I have done .... Fear and shame fill me.

I have had some little tiny baby step progress though. I have been talking with both AA people and my "house" family. I have been sincere in my heart about wanting to do this step, it has been the HOW. Honesty, Open mind, and Willing. That's what I had to start with. Again, baby steps, made a few.

Now, God doing His God thing again :

Step nine has not been to far from my mind. When ever I would drive by a former job place, I would think about how I should make amends. I just KNEW the guy I worked for would laugh his head off if I ever walked in and said " Hi, I am in AA now and want to tell you how sorry I am for drinking all your beer". No way would he get it.

Tonight, before going on a commitment with my new group that I joined last Friday, I was working on my amends to the rest of my family. Again, baby steps.

Get to the meeting and for what ever reason tonight I was really really nervous about talking. Heart pounding, shaking .. I had to keep my hands behind my back because the podium was shaking too!! Once I got going I was ok. Included in my story the part about drinking off the keg at work.

Here comes the God part ...

After the meeting, doing a little chit chatting .... and who jumps in front of me " HI KRIS". If you guessed my former employer you win!! Talk about a "oh shit" moment. Well, damn. No coincidences in AA. So I told him about my struggle as to making amends to him. And I apologized for all the beer I drank. And he gave me a hug and said it was ok, he was doing the same thing. And just like that, that one is off my list.

But it was a set up. I join a group Friday, work on my amends today, go with the new group ...'come on!!

Thank You God. Thank You.

Awakening of Spirit

The last couple of meetings for the AWOL we discussed having a “spiritual awakening”. It does say in Step 12 “Having had a spiritual awaking …” Most of the woman had some sort of significant experience. Like Bill W. they had a “hot flash”. A major how else to you explain this other than spiritual!!! Direct contact with the God of their understanding. It was pretty amazing, and humbling.

When it was my turn to speak, I did not have a knock your socks off spiritual awakening to share. No trumpets, bright lights, or ethereal hugs. What I have, what I am able to share is just as big though. At least for me.

I have awareness and acceptance. Things I did not have before joining AA, at least not to the extent I do now. Awareness of all the little God things in my life, as I have shared here in this blog a number of times. God doing his God thing. I love it when I catch onto one of those moments. It truly lifts me up. Awareness of how rich and wonderful my life is, even on the bad days, for the wonderful people God has put into my life. The awareness that the things I learn from these people are also gifts from God. The fact that I am learning, gift from God. And much much more.

Acceptance too has many different facets that create my spiritual awakening. Right off the bat, the fact that I believe the stories people share of their own “hot flash”. I don’t doubt it. Acceptance of the things I have become aware of, and that they are gifts from God. Hand in hand for me, acceptance and awareness. My own gifts from God on a daily basis.

One of the things said at the AWOL that has also altered how I viewed this entire spiritual awakening, something that absolutely FLUNG OPEN the door to a new way of thinking. Reverse it … instead of having a spiritual awakening, which does bring to mind the trumpets and bright lights … same words, different order … I have had an Awakening of Spirit. Wow.

When that was said, I have to admit it rocked my world. It really showed me what was at the very core of MY recovery. For as long as I can remember, I “just wanted to be happy”. I just had no clue as to how to go about it. I thought the fun I was having at the bar was as good as it was ever going to get. Now I take those words, and apply them to my life today, and you better believe I have had an awakening of spirit!! Back to the awareness, and acceptance being the core of it. AA is about change, and I have changed. Each change brings about additional “awakening”. Growth.

This is a subject that I really could go on and on and on and on and on…… It truly is wonderful to know that I have had a spiritual awakening, in the form of an awakening spirit. And I still have not rubbed the sleep out of my eyes ……..

Meetings

So much is fizzing in my head right now. Tonight's meeting was another one were I wanted to rip the hair out of my head. I am trying so hard to find "purpose", to remind myself that someone needs to hear what the person is saying. That maybe I need to hear what they are saying. But ohhhhh..... it is so hard at times!!!!

Suggestion for anyone who is sharing, please spare us every single drink you have ever had, all those black outs you don't remember .... they are not any funnier because you don't remember!! And don't make stuff up. Please, please please. We can tell.

I think that part of it for me is that I want to hear about recovery more than war stories. We all have our war stories, and a couple of them to qualify, ok ... but what is life like for you now? What have you learned? How have you learned it? What is going on in your life right now? Today? Good bad, happy sad, how are you doing??? When the shit hit the fan and you wanted to drink, what made you realize you didn't HAVE TO!!!!

Experience, STRENGTH and HOPE!!!!!!!

When I speak, I hate trying to figure out the pre-qualifying. I don't know when I crossed the line, I don't think it matters. I do know from my first drink to my last, it was about getting drunk. I would like to stop it right there. But I know it is important to share the how you got there, so I do talk a little bit about the progression, and the fact that I did not have any "jackpots". As fast as I can I try to jump to the now, what I have learned, why I love the fellowship, how the God of MY understanding is working in my life. Why AA is working in my life.

God Bless the person up there tonight. I hope that they got what they needed, that someone heard what they were suppose too. And I pray that God gives me the patience I need, and teaches me to stop being so damn judgemental!!! Progress .....

Bitter Sweet ....

Tomorow is my last AWOL. We will finish up Step 12 and have some dinner and snacks. Part of me is very excited. Yay, done!! I DID IT!! And I feel like I "did it" too. All good good good. I learned so much, and I know I grew too. I can't help feel good about that. Hopefully I don't get to smart for my own good, and keep in mind that these steps are ARE a daily project. I do plan to get back to my regular 12 step meeting.

Of course, I am sad too. This group of women has been so amazing. I will miss the gabbing, the meeting, the love, the friendship. A man said at the meeting last night that he was "wrapped up in love" by the people who 12 stepped him. Thats how I feel about this group. I thank God that got to be a part of it. I got to really know a group of women in a way that I can't even begin to explain.

Even though the group is ending, I will always have that.

There is a chance we will meet up again to discuss another book, but I am afraid that the way the world works it won't happen. So I put that in God's hands, and if it happens, I will be back.

With bells on!!

Lessons.........

So tonight was one of those nights were the meeting felt kind of flat. First speaker was a in and out for many years, and still working on his story. Second speaker I have heard before, but they were short on speakers so we got his LONG version.

The third speaker, called up five minutes before break .... Started off ok .. older person...but clear voice and seemed to have focus. Yah, no. Twenty minutes later there was still another 40 years or more of the story to go ......."Ah hahd mah first drink when Ah was two, Ah hahd mah second drink when Ah was two and a half ..."

I kept telling myself that there must have been somebody in the hall tonight that needed to hear that story. Then dad and I were talking, and had the additional thought that it might not have even been the story that was the lesson. The staying put and listening too it. That could be the lesson. Patients. Maybe someone in the hall was ten minutes away from having a drink at 8:10, but by 8:30 the compulsion to drink passed. I amdit I am spoofing on the speaker right now, but I did stay put out of respect, so respect could be lesson ....

When it comes right down to it, there were many different lessons, as there were many different people in the hall. I am still working out what my personal lesson was, other than it does NOT pay to chug coffee !!!

What I did get, once again, was that God does have purpose to everything. Even long winded speakers.

Nice End To The Day

http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/popup-frame.html

A awesome link.

And, just what I needed. Today was a rotten day for the most part. The condensed version is that my expectations of my daughter and reality is, well to say they are not even close sums it up. I know she loves me, but she has a funny way of showing it. For my part, I don't know how much of it is her age, or her anger at me. I keep praying, and try to keep the gratitude in my heart, but I still hurt on the inside. Time and prayer. I do know that God is with me and it will work out.

That was the start of my day, followed with the bank being closed .. hello .. MONDAY is the holiday .. then I tried to go to my nieces new house to help clean. Even w/ the GPS I got seriously lost. For a little bit it felt like Scary Movie lost because I was in the woods on what would be called a path more so than a road .. with no houses around. THAT was when my GPS told me I had "reached my destination". Nope. Never did find her house. She called me about 30 minutes ago, she just got my message. Had I gone right instead of left of the path she was right there. Hello ... WOODS????? What right?

That was the major stuff, and just little stupid stuff like pushing up on the cream dispenser at the gas station instead of down........ and pissing cream all over the place ........ to fill in the cracks.

But I am home safe and sound now, had a awesome dinner with my family and my friend sent me that lovely Interview With God. So it is all alright. Pretty much the end of the day, I did not drink, God Loves Me and I Love Him ... so life is pretty ok.

Happy Valentines Day!!

Step 11

I am still loving my AWOL.

It continues to amaze me how going through a step, that I have read over and over and over and over the past three years, all of the sudden becomes clear with these women. "Things that used to baffle us ...." Thank You God.

For the most part, with all of the steps, my good friend gratitude plays the biggest part. As long as my heart is grateful, that is the first action for me completing the step. Well, not completing, if I am doing it right I will be doing it for a long time to come.

Tonight, step 11, I learned two things. One being the importance for ME to take a few minutes each day and .... breath... relax....enjoy...be grateful. At LEAST a few minutes. And the other thing, is that those few minutes count. I don't have to pray and meditate for hours at a time for it to work. The point again, comes down to ~ am I at least trying? ~ is it to the best of my ability..THAT DAY? Because again, all I have is TODAY. This day is the one I have to do my best. Not yesterday, done deal. Not tomorrow, not here yet. Just today. Simple.

Again, amazing how when explained just right, it makes sense, makes it doable. Even makes it something I have been doing. Cool

Just Do It, It Is Fun

Today I went to a memorial for a very special man. Bobby was the 46 year old son of a fellow AA. Bobby had special needs, he had Williamson's, (similar to Downs Syndrome). He died of cancer.

The memorial was with out a doubt the most touching and sincere I have ever been too. Many of Bob's co/ workers got up to share about Bobby. All of those men and woman had disabilities of their own. All that spoke, got up in front of the room of at least 80 people. And even though they were all adults, they shared with a child like simplicity and sincerity that just blew me away. Bobby was all of their "very best friend". Every single one of them meant it too, from the bottom of their hearts was evident.

The finale, unplanned to this amazing tribute to a man who's love of life, and ginormous smile that was completely infectious, came in the form of one of his respite nurses. Again, a person being brave enough to stand in front of a room of strangers and offer her tribute to Bob in the form of song. Bob loved music. It was perfect. Bett Midlers "You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings"

People like Bobby are a gift. When you meet a Bobby you can't help but smile, help but fall in love, help but view the world just a little bit better. Smile.

My very first sober party I was still shake rattling and rolling. I went to the party because Steady Eddy asked me too. When I was hesitating about dancing ~ dancing SOBER ~ Bob was already on the floor. He looked over at me and said "Just do it, it is fun". And he smiled.

I danced that night. I look like a goober when I dance, but now I am a sober goober. And Bob was right, it's fun.

Minny Meeting

Last week I ran in to a guy that I have seen at meetings off and on. We have chatted a few times, have a common friend that we are saving a seat for. I don't know him well by any stretch of the imagination.
But there we were in the produce section of the store, start off with the hi how are yah's. Then the program of AA kicked in. He was not having the best of times. Nothing major, but for sure off the beam. So we chatted. About AA, about life on life's terms, stuff. Ended with Keep Coming, No Matter What!!
Saw him tonight at the meeting. He came over and thanked me for the mini meeting the other day.
"Hey, no problem, it is just so good to see you at the meeting tonight.""
His response:
"I Listened"

I know that mini meeting didn't solve his problems, but perhaps they made them a little smaller. At the very least, he was at a meeting tonight!!

Self Esteem

Tonight one of the speakers said a number of things I could identify with.

The one that really hit me was the many many times he would go to bed/ pass out, asking God to take his life. I was there. For many reasons, my nephew committing suicide, and my daughter being two big ones, I knew I would not attempt to take my own life. But I would pray that God would just "take me". I don't know how many times I prayed that.

The guy tonight said about 6 months into sobriety he was thinking of those days, and it came to him that God DID in fact take his life. Took it and gave him a new one. Completely blew my mind. Wow. Yup. Thank You God!!!!

It was just what I needed to hear tonight. I had been gazing at the pity pot most of the day. One of the houses I had to clean today was a former classmate. Just not a good feeling. Felt like I had a big L stamped on my head. Happy for her that things are going well, she was always a good person way back when. But still felt crummy that "my life today" is living with my parents and cleaning houses.

Once we left that house and went on to the next, I was able to put most of it in perspective. Honest days pay, honest days work, and I am really grateful to HAVE a job right now, and the blessing of living at home are many.

Hearing this guy talk though, really put the brakes on the self pity. God has given me a new life. He was that good to me. He gave me a second chance. It may never be in the cards for me to have a big house w/ a cleaning service. Thats ok. I HAVE so much. And I continue to receive so many gifts in sobriety. Like that guy tonight. And all the people I have in my life today because of AA.

Thank You God!!

Some Are Sicker Than Others

~~ And I am pretty sick!!!



Those of you that know me, know that is a fact. But you love me anyways ;) God bless you for that.



Today though, the sick is a cold of the New England Winter variety. The sick part of it is that while being slightly whiny about being sick, I am also ... grateful. What? Yes, grateful.



My head is stuffed up, my eyes feel like they want to pop out, my stomach is queasy, and I have no motivation to do anything. What does that sound like? Like my old life on a daily basis with the self inflicted misery of alcohol abuse. And I called that fun. I would wake up like that every morning. Swear it would be the last time. Then that afternoon .... well hell, it was not THAT bad. And off I would go, to do it all over again.

Today I have freedom from that old life.

~ I started writing this post on Sunday, today is Tuesday, and already I feel SOOOO much better. By the end of the week I should be at least 95% better. Having this cold did serve as a reminder of all those little day to day gifts I have in my life now that I am sober. Didn't stop me from being a little bit whiny, I don't do sick well. Baby.

Yet same as with sobriety, if I don't want to get sick again there are things I have to do. And just as important, things I should not do if I want to continue to be better. Sobriety, AA, the 12 steps has given me back a few brain cells to keep me on track with my health over all. To the best of my ability at any rate. So today will be another day of trying to relax and take it easy. Drink lots of water and stay warm. The world will continue to spin if I take a nap this afternoon.

Dance With God

(click on image to enlarge)

Thank you my lovely friend for sharing this poem with me (us). I did do a google search in hopes of being able to give the author credit, I could find the poem, but not the author. So who ever you are, Thank YOU too for these inspiring words.

Gifts

Let them eat cake!!! Cookies and brownies too!!!

Tonight one of the guys brought in amazing fantastic awesome brownies. I was lucky enough to be one of the people he shared with. ( Yes, I whined a bit..) So there we were, stuffing our faces and rolling our eyes enjoying our brownies when Bill W. pipes up with, " Do you think to be grateful for something like this? Think about it, if you were drinking, would you have even tried this brownie?" Nope. I use to think I did not like sweets, once I got sober I discovered that it was beer and cake that did not mix, not me and cake. Cake and I get along a little to well in sobriety ... lol

But Bill was so right, what a gift, on so many levels. The fact that I DO like these things, and WILL try them, and enjoy them ever so much (Dave, thanks again for the brownies you are my hero) That this is my life now, being able to sit with some awesome people and enjoy brownies for no reason. That I have these awesome people in my life.

There are times throughout my day that the gifts of sobriety are obvious to me, eating a brownie was not really on the list, until today. A very good reminder for me too how important ALL these gifts are. How good, how much better these gifts are, when I take the time to see them. I get to enjoy them twice as much :)

So, Thank You God, for clean socks, awesome brownies, and the most wonderful people on earth.

The Promises

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

(Alcoholics Anonymous, the Big Book)

Last night my AWOL group went over steps 8 & 9. Complete with reading from the Big Book, and reading the promises. I actually got a glimmer of WHY the promises are not until this step. A few weeks ago someone from the podium mentioned that the promises do not happen until after step 9. Being me, I got a resentment. That person was wrong, the promises are coming true in my life right now. Big Book thumper ...

The fact of the matter is, they ARE and HAVE been coming true in my life since the first day I really put myself in AA. But last night, after going over 8 & 9, reading from the Big Book, and talking about the steps, I understood more about the how's and whys of those promises and there fulfilment in my life. And why it is not until the completion of step 9 that they really come true.

One line that sticks out, was my light bulb turning on, is "Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us". I could never really figure that line out before. How could the fear of not having enough money leave me? I am always going to worry about money. And there were always be people that scare me a little..... there will always be something!!! After reading, and talking last night, I get it. Or at least I get it for me. If I am painstaking in the working of these steps, 8 & 9 in particular, I will have really cleared my side of the street. I will have made my amends to the people that I have "wronged", I will be doing the best I can to make restitution for owed money. I won't have to fear the phone, the mail, or running into people from my past.

Then, as I continue on my journey in sobriety, and continue to work the steps, I should not be putting myself in situations that piss people off. Thinking about that today, the past three years, I have not really done stuff to piss people off. Can't count my ex, he was pissed to begin with!!

The past three years has been about showing up to a step meeting, getting what I could out of it, trying to apply as much as I could in my life. Because it is a program of progress and not perfection, I have made progress. Doing this AWOL, I have made bigger progress. And when the AWOL is done, I will go back to my step meeting with a much better understanding of what I need to be doing on a daily basis to continue making progress. Pretty nice.

Stuff ~

It has been a very busy week. I had work of some sort or another every day, meetings every night, and fighting off a cold. Pretty much a bushwhacked kind of week.

Today I went with my group on a commitment. It was a return commitment to the group that my good friend Steady Eddie used to belong. I never made it to that meeting while he was alive, although he invited me on a regular basis. I never went for two reasons, lazy did not want to get up and moving on a Saturday morning, and fear. The meeting is in the fringes of Boston. Boston is BIG SCARY CITY. I did not want to drive. I always built up all kinds of scary situations for if I went. Even today I was more that a little bit worried about the drive, the parking, the neighborhood. I could have built it up built it up, and stayed home. But I did not. Progress. I invited a friend, not a friend of Bill, but huge friend of Kris :). I was going to ask (tell) him to drive. But I mapquested the meeting, have a gps, and a friend in the car. I can do this. And I did!! I only freaked out a little tiny bit about the parking. Progress.

It is taking those little steps, and being able to SEE that I am taking them. Last year I would either have not taken the step, or if I had, not seen it for the positive change in me that it is. I like this being aware, and more open to changes person I am becoming. Lots and lots of work left to do though.

So now I am home, and figured in for the day/night. We are due another snow storm at some point or another. I went on the commitment this morning, so figured I could skate on the detox tonight. I also know that there is a good size group going to the de-tox so I am not "needed". God has other plans for me. A good AA friend called, and we agreed she needed a meeting tonight. So we will go to the detox together. I am kind of hoping I can skate on the talking part, my brain is fried, but if I get called, well, Gods plan not mine. As I said to my friend, even just being the body that cared enough to show up sends a strong message. So I will be a body that cares enough to show up. Just hope I stay awake too ... lol

Windshield Wipers

Yes, windshield wipers. And God doing his God thing again.

During last weeks New Years Eve storm my windshield wipers got thrashed. I was one of those dopes who "ran just one more errand" before heading home. Dumb. I was a good girl though and went out NY's day to buy wipers. Even thought I was a cool chix using the computer at Walmart to purchase the correct size ... yah right!! Got them home, wrong size. I brought them back yesterday, and the computer told me to buy the same ones so I figured I should go someplace else to buy them.

I was going to buy them this afternoon. Want them on before whatever happens happens tonight!! But I drove right by the auto part store .. too crowded. Figured I would get to it.... Have I ever mentioned what a lazy procrastinator I can be?? I was hungry and cranky .. just didn't feel like it. So off I go to 5 Guys Burgers and Frys (very very good btw).

Now for God doing His God thing........

I got on the WRONG exit!! I only drive this way at least once a week!! Not a real big deal, just a dumb ass move. Figured I would just turn around. As I get to the top of the exit though, what is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET??? Another Auto Part store. Ok, ok, I get the drift. Wish all of God's little messages were so clear!! lol

And if we are in any doubt that this is a God thing ..... as I get out of my car one of the auto stores cars starts beeping at me ... the driver is waving away at me, big smile on his face. My own personal Bill W. from my step meeting!!! You know God is involved if a AA person shows up too... lol So we chit chat for a few and one of his co/workers comes back from lunch and Bill sets me up with the guy for new wipers and installation. Sike!! Wiper installation is just not something I am good at .....

It is just a fun little story about how I can see God doing His God thing in my life. He is involved in so many facets, I don't see it all the time. So it is always nice to have a in your face here I am :)

Grad-ah-tude

As you can see, my niece and I did make it sledding on Friday. Gift of sobriety. Going sledding with that little girl would have been a un-kept promise if I was still drinking. For one thing, I am sure I would have been hung over. I would have canceled saying a had a cold or the flu or something, and I probably would have believed that was the reason too. Thank God that is not the way I live today.

Because that is not how I live, I was able to take that little girl sledding for her very first time ever. And she "knew she really really loved sledding even though she had never gone before". Just so very neat to be able to spend the day with her like that. How BIG her eyes got when she saw the hill. Her willingness to try, even though I could tell she was a little scared, and the great big grin on her face after our first run down the hill. I got to be a part of that. Because I am sober, because her mom trust me with the care of her daughter, because I am sober, because I woke up that morning instead of "coming too". Gifts.

One of the things in life that I have always enjoyed are children. This little girls mom is my oldest niece, and she is just 7 years younger than me. Babies, toddlers, little kids, have been a part of my life since I was one!! As soon as I was able too I started babysitting. I was always watching my nieces and nephews when I was in my teens. I went right from my teens into my twenties and motherhood. I will admit that I slacked off a bit as the good auntie once I became a mommy, but I still loved to have the kids over. It was rare for hubby to come home and I did not have additional children in the house.

Then the drinking started to take off. As the drinking increased, the frequency of having other kids over went down. I did not enjoy it as much (it cut into my drinking). The kids were also getting older and Aunties house was not the thing to do. Could be part of why the drinking increased as well, I was suffering from empty nest syndrome!! Well, it could!! I was still very active in my daughters activity's, but the enjoyment was not there the way it would have been if I was not drinking. I know that now. She still got a pretty good mom, despite what she thinks at times, but I could have been much better. MUCH. That was then.

Now, having gone through so much angst as a parent, I really really enjoy being a Auntie and surrogate Auntie to friends children. I am able to do things, and take a great enjoyment in the doing because of what I have learned through AA. Back to having fun. I did not get sober to spend all my time at meetings, (though they are a BIG part of my life too!!). I got sober to be a person again. With a life. With the kids.

Yup, GRAD~AH~TUDE!!!!

Happy 2009!!!

(image from NASA website)

May this year bring joy, peace, and much love to all!!!!

My fifth sober New Years. Wicked Freaking Awesome :)

I was trying to think, and yes it hurt my head, if I had had a sober NY's before coming to AA. Not counting the ones when I was a little kid. I may have up until my 21'st birthday. I really can't remember. I kind of remember a party when I was 17, but I can't remember if I got high before I went. One of the things I do remember was that I was disappointed that there was NO booze or drugs. I felt I got ripped off. So, if that is how I felt at 17, and I was not drinking then on a regular basis at all, does it mean that my alcoholism HAD already started? Honestly it does not matter for me now. I am a alcoholic and that's that. But it does make me wonder, and worry more about the kids in my family and extended family. Not that it does any good to worry ... but I still do.

Anyways, my thoughts are pretty scattered today, that was then and this is now. I have today, and today is the first day of sobriety I have in 2009. Well, it will be once I lay my head down tonight. I feel pretty good about making it through the day.

I have no idea what 2009 will have in store for me. Some good, some not so good I am sure. I think I would like to make it a fun year. That does not mean I am heading to Disney Word (although I wouldn't MIND that). This past year, though filled with some great and awesome things, was a wee bit depressing too. I don't think you can live in the US right now and not be bummed out about money matters. This year, I want to take as much enjoyment as I can. Maybe plan less things and spend more time on the things I do plan. Ease up on life a bit. Relax, enjoy, and see the fun it what I am doing. Simple stuff, silly stuff. Laugh more.

My sister and I were home alone the other night. We were giggling like little kids because we got pizza for dinner instead of making what had been pulled out of the freezer, we also .. no telling on us ... ate in the living room!! Mind you, whenever there is a family gathering we eat there so it really was not a big deal, just not something we "do". So silly as that was, it was fun. Then ... we are easily amused too ... we took the picture my niece had sent, stuck a teeny little Santa hat on it, and took pictures of the picture with all the Christmas decorations (singing Hallmark penguins, things like that) Again, it was silly, but it was fun. I made a smile box creation out of it and sent it to everyone .... so then they had fun too. Little itty bitty fun ... but still, fun.

I was suppose to take another niece sledding today .... tooooooo cold. Not fun. So rather than both of us be cold and crabby I re-scheduled for tomorrow when it will be a balmy 32 out. THEN it will be fun. It is making those type of little adjustments, that's what I need to do to have more FUN this year.

So here's to a FUN, SOBER year for all!!!